By Guest Contributor Becky J.
The title of this episode alone makes me laugh.
The maid who does Cary and Mark’s laundry and has put two of his special asymmetrical fit right socks together and it’s driving him nuts that he has on two right socks. I wonder why he is powerless to find his own left sock. I wish I could spend more time unpacking all that is wrong with this, but I need to keep it moving. Cary snuggles and has (watches) breakfast with her her adorable three-year-old daughter.
Kameron’s kids are super cute, too. The nanny brings them home from preschool and the private Spanish teacher arrives. She’s the most “sought-after” Spanish tutor around because “academics are super important in Dallas, so we want the kids to be tri-lingual if possible.” Look, I know kids’ ability to learn languages peaks around five or something, but EYE ROLL. Kameron is sure to mention in her talking head that she used to work full time (she says it like she’s a former Olympic gold medalist) but now she’s the CEO of her household. Yeah, welcome to the club lady. What woman isn’t? Still, she’s pink, fun and very housewifey. She’s the Monique of Dallas.
Stephanie has a Life Coach named Laurie! I love this so much because this lady needs help growing a backbone. Travis and Stephanie are looking for a new house in Dallas cuz they live in a far suburb and she’s spending too much time commuting to drop her boys off at their private schools. This is their third house together and she has never been involved in selecting the home before. This is crazy to me. They talk about seeing Brandi at Mark’s birthday party. Stephanie cries and says she felt rejected.
Maybe I’m being ridiculous, but I feel like this friendship breakup is for real. Laurie encourages Stephanie to sit down and talk with Brandi. They will be judging a dog costume contest together soon. So now we know what the episode title is all about and why the f— LeeAnne will be wearing a hot dog costume. No wait, there’s still no excuse for that.
Brandi is meeting Cary for lunch to catch up. Brandi is a little jealous that Stephanie and Cary have been hanging tight (Instagramming together) lately. Now they talk about the text message from Stephanie to Brandi about Cary allegedly saying LeeAnne is up to her old tricks. When Brandi brings it up, she says “carnival tricks” which is hilarious. She shows Cary the message. Cary starts crying, presumably cuz she’s mad at Stephanie for dropping her name. So, she’s done a great job of staying out of the middle of the conflict. Brandi says she’s not surprised Stephanie threw Cary under the bus because that’s what she does.
Brandi is not as stupid as she seems. For one thing, she properly used the word “leery” in her interview (leery, weary and wary are soo commonly misused). She has also has craftily figured out a way to use Stephanie’s text message, which I think was an olive branch, to drive a wedge between Cary and Stephanie.
Travis and Stephanie visit a insane mansion with a pool in the living room and a lake in the yard. This is super practical for a family with rowdy little boys. Also, there’s a toilet that can clean your butt like a bidet and also get you off. I think Luann has that same one in NY. Travis says the house is going to auction and he can get a good deal. I’m officially grossed out about the idea of a foreclosure mastrubatory toilet. Stephanie tells Travis he can’t buy the house. He looks like he might buy it anyway.
Mark is up for a “Culturemap Stylemaker Award” where he has to dress mannequins in stylish outfits. It’s super fun, like playing life-size Barbies in luxury fashions—sign me up. He absolutely glows when he’s describing his mannequin outfits. I want him to be a guest judge on Project Runway. He would SLAY. I like him more after this scene and find him less creepy. I think when they filmed him telling Cary what to wear last season it came off as bossy and chauvinistic. Now I see that he really just loves fashion, so that makes me love him. He loses the competition to another man in a tweed blazer. Poor Mark.
Cary confronts Stephanie over the text message. Stephanie is caught, she feels stupid. She realizes should have kept her mouth/phone shut when Cary told her about LeeAnne trying to meddle. I feel like she is learning a bunch of life lessons most of us figured out in junior high, right?
I can no longer avoid talking about the pink dog food. I was hoping it would go away, but it seems like Kameron is really committed to this idea. Her dad is in the dog treat business, so she thinks this is a logical next step. He husband feels the same way I do. I just want this idea to go away. Dog food is already kinda brownish pink, so what’s the point?
D’Andra has another awkward pseudo-casual meetings with her ball-buster of a mom. She wants to develop new products for the company, rebrand, update the marketing strategy. She explains that it’s time for social media instead of selling exclusively on Christian TV. LOL. I can’t believe they aren’t bankrupt already. Her mom is such a fabulous character! Totally unreasonable when it comes to the business, but seriously. She’s like some sort of hybrid of Sue Ellen Ewing, Erica Kane and Joy Mangano.
Poor De’Andra is clearly very pretty (except that weird eye thing) and probably really smart, but who cares? Her mom is the star. Move over Mama Elsa, there’s a new favorite crazy housewife mama.
Travis bought the f-ing house. Stephane is disgusted. He looks like a giant toddler with a cool new toy and she has to be his mean mommy and explain why it’s going to make a huge mess and he can’t play with it. Seriously, two big dogs and two little boys and a f-ing swimming pool in the living room? He’s a real asshole.
I just realized why I have been loving this episode so far: no LeeAnne!
Ugh, here she is. Dressing her dog in a hot dog costume. She has a matching one for herself, of course. She says people in Dallas are “cray-cray” about their animals. My friends and I banned each other from saying “cray-cray” in 2013. I’m dead serious.
Stephanie and Brandi are judging the dog costume contest. Then the women all sit down to talk. LeeAnne tries to confront Stephanie about the the text message. It’s not a fair fight. Stephanie still thinks she can just be honest and reasonable, explaining that she is scared of LeeAnne because she’s so manipulative and that’s what she meant in the text. Obviously, LeeAnne IS scary and manipulative and has no business in the middle of this Stephanie/Brandi feud, but that doesn’t stop her.
Stephanie and Brandi finally start talking. They are both hurt and they agree it would be better to meet one-on-one. Thank goodness! LeeAnne can’t make it about her if she’s not there. I hope…
So, next week the big sit-down, followed by a Halloween party. Housewives fighting in ridiculous costumes if my absolute favorite. I can’t wait!