It’s time to head to Mexico! Here are my real time exclusive spoilers from the trip. This Mexico trip is so good, we start in Mexico right away. I feel like this episode is going to be epic. Bethenny has the flu and exposed everyone on the plane. Ramona apparently sharted herself on the plane. Ramona had some sort of chemical peel right before getting on the flight. This explains why Sonja describes her faces as a pizza pie with no cheese. Before they even arrive at the house, Carole, who shows the traveling wisdom of Brielle Biermann, would like Taco Bell, and Bethenny says she would blow Simon Van Kempen for a Slurpee. Then they play Marry, Fuck, Kill with Tinsley, Luann and Carole. Ramona and Sonja both say they would kill Tinsley because she is not marriage material and doesn’t seem sexual. Adam and Scott are in Vegas. I wonder if they will crash the Mexico trip? There is so much interesting conversation in this van ride to the casa. Tinsley said that her first date with Scott lasted five days. They decided to run off to Miami together. Sonja got a dic pick from a wrong number. Every really likes the penis.
The villa is SPECTACULAR! I am adding Sonja and Ramona’s stupid room war to the list of things I will not be recapping. Bethenny is pissed about the nonsense as well. Especially because Ramona was not invited. Bethenny calls Ramona a “miserable, disgusting, grabby twat” in her talking head. Bethenny has everyone pick a number to choose their room. I would ask to go last because I’d just be so damn happy to be there. Bethenny says they are going to do the same thing for “Blow dries.” My source told me that it was all our war over who got the services of the Blow Dry lady that Bravo provided first. I do not understand this. Like even a little bit. Tinsley gets number one and suddenly Ramona and Sonja don’t want to kill her anymore. Tinsley gave first pick to Bethenny. Smart girl. Ramona and Sonja are pissed that Tinsley gave the room to Bethenny instead of Sonja. They want her in the worst room.Why am I recapping this? Bethenny got the room they wanted. Luann got the second master suite.
Dorinda is furious with Sonja and Ramona for trashing her house. Carole is disgusted by them as well. Ramona wants the rooms Carole and Dorinda have. Their rooms have two beds so they want one of them. I can’t believe we are still talking about this. Dorinda wants to just give it to them. Bethenny says absolutely not. SO MUCH SCREAMING. Except for Luann, who is quietly moving into the second master and complimenting the villa manager on the beauty of the place. Ramona plants herself in Dorinda’s room and refuses to leave it. Dorinda says she is not staying in her room and if she brings in her luggage she will throw it all in the ocean. Dorinda is furious. Did I mention that? Carole throws the bitches out.
Thirty minutes into the show, everyone finally settles in their own room.But Ramona is demanding that the staff unpack her, put on some music, bring her buckets of ice, pinot grigio every night at six and hot tea every morning at nine. I want to punch Ramona twice. Once in her bright red pizza pie face, and then again in her saggy cunt.
Carole brought fake mustaches, and Dorinda brought balloons to play the balloon game. Le sigh.
Dorinda is drunk before dinner and just wants to go to bed. Luann is not hearing it and forces her to get up and shower and dress for dinner. Ramona and Sonja are drunk and practically making out. Bethenny wants to get Sonja away from Ramona. Then they actually did make out.
Bethenny arrives to dinner an hour and a half late. She is the first to arrive. Upstairs, Tinsley tell Carole about a story on Page Six about her being ungrateful living in her house. That is NOT the way I ran the story. #BlindItemReveal Also I just realized they did not include the Dressed to Kilt even on an episode this season. It looked like so much fun! Tinsley suspects Ramona leaked the negative story about her to Page Six. Actually it was Sonja. Thank you Bethenny! She knew right away it was Sonja. All of the fake Page Six stories on the RHONY are from Sonja. She’s obsessed. Dorinda passed out. Bethenny, Carole, Luann and Tinsley start dinner without the others. The food looks amazing. Despite Carole talking about Luann having a “pirate leg” the reality I have witnessed is that Luann rarely drinks unless there is a pirate involved. So she is a bit of a lightweight and tonight she’s a bit drunk. She toasts to the hostess and Ramona says it’s a group trip (aka it’s a Bravo trip that they planned, which is true) but Bethenny goes in on Ramona for the comment anyway out of general principle. She wants to know why Ramona is such an asshole.
I am terrified watching this dinner because the dinner chairs are covered in a lovely ivory fabric and monogrammed and not one put a plastic sheet over Ramona’s chair.
Tinsley is also drunk. She goes off on Sonja about the Page Six story. Luann says Sonja is awful for her leaks to the press. Carole points out Sonja puts a lot of crap in the press. Sonja admits that she thinks Tinsley is not a considerate houseguest. SERIOUSLY? Tinsley has been sleeping with germy stuffed animals in her apartment full of brown water (allegedly, in actuality she had a long term hotel the entire time) and Sonja says she is not considerate? Tinsley has a major meltdown.
I love that Bethenny sees exactly who leaked the story. It’s Sonja. She does it all the time. She used to have her interns bring her breakfast in bed with a copy of the New York Post every morning with all of her “special vitamins.” Bitch is GUILTY.
Luann needs to go out and get some air. Ramona follows. Ramona doesn’t believe Sonja would put that in the press. Luann tells Ramona she is naïve.
Meanwhile, Bethenny hammers on with her plan to break Sonja away from Ramona. Bethenny wants Ramona off the show and is clearly trying to give Sonja an opportunity to stay. Someone close to the show who shall remain nameless recently told me that Bethenny has no control over storylines, or who comes and goes. But she does. Don’t believe me? Ask your friend Jill Zarin. Bethenny has the ear of Andy Cohen and even when they are not getting along, she has a deep army of people who listen to her regarding this franchise. Don’t be ridiculous. Bethenny is throwing Sonja a lifeline tonight. She better grab onto it and hold on for dear life.
Luann falls off the back steps into the bushes and just laughs and laughs. The staff comes out to help her. They stand her up so that Luann and Ramona can drunkenly sway on their heels and watch Bethenny draw a firm line with Sonja.
Then Luann turns to look at the ocean. She walks toward the water right off a three foot drop, Ramona asked if she was already when she fell into a bush. This time she just says, “You should have gone around!” But Ramona is drunk so after the mini lecture she checks on her to see if she is okay and says she could have broken her ankle. As someone with experience with bad ankles and drinking, I can assure you that while Luann is fine NOW, she may be in a world of hurt once she sobers up. She doesn’t no where her room is and a staff member has to escort her to her room.
Next Week: More insane drama in Mexico.