By Guest Contributor Becky J.
Well, all the TMOG assholes are back from Puerto Rico this week. After a long weekend of binge drinking, getting sunburnt and crying on camera, they’re home binge drinking, crying on camera and pretending to run companies.
We start with Amber complaining about how she missed a weekend with Leah because she was on vacation. WTF did she expect? She chose to go on a trip. Gary doesn’t feel like being flexible and switching weeks, maybe he already had plans for Leah because it was his weekend. She needs to accept it and move on. She reads a family autobiography Leah wrote in school, where she calls Matt her stepdad. Barf.
In other great parenting choices, Gary is moving to a new house while Leah is with Amber. Without telling her. Moving is pretty traumatic for kids and I think it’s weird and insensitive to spring a big life change on a kid this age. It makes me sad to think Gary wouldn’t realize it’s important for eight-year-old to be able to say goodbye to her old room, pick out her new bedspread herself and emotionally prepare to come home to a new house at the end of a weekend at mom’s.
Amber got her makeup samples so, while Leah is visiting, Amber does her make-up. Like really does it. She calls it “baby hooker makeup” twice. Which is a super appropriate thing for a mom to say to a little girl.
Later, Amber refuses to participate in taking Leah to Gary’s new house. Instead of the common-sense, motherly-type reasons I addressed above, Amber seems to be upset that Gary now has a nice house with 90 chickens and won’t let Leah stay for the afternoon. She’s upset she can’t have more time with Leah, so she’s voluntarily giving up time with Leah. Makes total sense. I’m disgusted that she allows Matt to take Leah to karate (in the Corvette, which sports a license plate that says MAMBER) then to the big reveal of Gary’s new house. If I were her mom, I would want to be there for that experience. Either to share in my kid’s excitement or offer support if the shock is a little overwhelming.
Once again, these guys all demonstrate they are fucking geniuses.
Despite the fact she officially broke it off with Simon again and is “trying to be single” (like he’s cigarettes she’s trying to quit or something), they are still talking a lot. Farrah is now reconsidering her plans to move to San Diego. Producer Kristen asks why Farrah doesn’t want to live in LA. To this, Farrah responds by saying she fell in with a bad (read: porn industry) last time she lived in LA and it changed her life. It’s all, “Oops! I fell down and ending up having buttsex on camera, that crowd was really a bad influence.” I guess she hasn’t covered the part about taking responsibility for your own life choices in therapy, yet.
Kristen suggests it would just be better for work for Farrah to live in LA. She would probably love it if Farrah lived in LA cuz then she would be able to at least sleep in her own bed after following an emotionally stunted narcissist around all day. I can’t blame her.
Farrah is in LA getting ready to shoot the after show that aired last week. You know, the stupid dating game. Guess who is hanging around while she gets her hair and makeup done? Simon, of course. Because it’s totally normal to have your ex accompany you to filming a game show designed to find you a new boyfriend.
Ryan and Mackenzie are talking about their wedding plans. Ryan seems almost normal except for the fact he is pretending to make a list, but when they show his notebook the paper is just covered with scribbles.
Maci talks about how Bently is afraid to poop at school. He tells her kids get bullied at school. She gives him permission to tell the bullies that he would rather poop at school than be full of shit. It’s funny, but poor Benny is obviously embarrassed.
Later, Maci is trying to paint Jade’s fingernails (ridiculous) and she and Tyler have a stupid fight about doing dishes. Her friend Keelie comes over (rocking pink Hunter boots and pink aviator glasses with a matronly dress and cardigan, hmm) and they talk about how Maci and Tyler need to go to counseling. Maci admits that when the camera leave they just get drunk and fight. Ick. So when they go to the counselor, the session goes pretty well. I like these guys and want them to do well, even though they’re annoying.
Catelynn talks to her adoption counselor about how she wants to use the (so far non-existent) profits of her kid’s clothing line to open a maternity home for teen girls. She wants to call it Carly House. I actually think this is a great idea, but she needs to get her shit together before she starts trying to mentor pregnant teens.
Tyler and Cate are bummed that Carly’s adoptive parents have cut off contact and they haven’t had a visit in nearly two years. Gosh, I can’t imagine why! Maybe because despite their request to not be discussed on camera, they’re still a regular topic. Or perhaps it’s Catelynn’s awesome behavior on the show last season, you know, the whole smoking pot with her recovering addict mom WHILE DRIVING. Maybe they were less than impressed to see Cate adopting a pig and then having a immediate regrets and getting rid of it. Wait till they see how these two left Nova with Butch to go to Puerto Rico. That will be the last nail in the coffin for sure.
Speaking of awesome parenting skills, the adoption counselor comes to visit and Nova picks up a piece of poop off her bedroom floor during the grand tour. An actual shit nugget that apparently Tyler missed while changing her diaper or pull-up after naptime. How fucking gross! I have no sympathy for this. I’m also potty training a two-year old (which really about trying not to go insane and emotionally scar my child with my frustration) and I understand it’s hard and messy. But, there is NO excuse for having shit laying on the floor of your kid’s room. Just no.
Next week looks like a doozy. We have Nova going to pre-school, Simon going to hypnotherapy with Farrah and somebody accusing Matt of being back on drugs (duh). I can’t wait for that! Matt may have gotten a break from me this week, but I promise I still hate him.