By Guest Contributor Becky J.
Some serious crazy went down with Amber and Matt since the last episode of TMOG, so I kinda feel like this whole week has been one big show. In case you missed it, you can read about what a sleazebag Matt is here.
Breaking news—Nova is wearing pants! Also Cate is planning a trip to Puerto Rico to celebrate her 25th b-day with Maci, Amber, husbands and gross old guys named Matt. She is leaving Butch as Nova’s primary caretaker because she specializes in good decisions. His only real question is how much money they are leaving him.
As soon as the group arrives at their destination, everybody goes in the pool and Cate wears the same swimming capris she wore in Jackson Hole, so I guess my eyes weren’t playing tricks on me. Cate keeps talking about how she wants to eat some good Spanish food. I think she means Puerto Rican or maybe South American, because map.
On the last night of the trip, the group has a fancy dinner to celebrate Cate’s birthday. Maci asks Amber and Matt about the wedding date. They say October, which is not what Amber tells Cate when they are alone.
Farrah is not invited to Puerto Rico, but she is invited to speak to a group of female entrepreneurs at SXSW. She’s in LA with her mom and they seem to be getting along great, which is a red flag that Farrah is about to have a major freak out over nothing soon. Over a casual lunch in full hair/makeup Farrah says she handles breakups better than most people because her first boyfriend died. Yuck.
Back in Austin, Farrah checks up on her dad, who is working at her yogurt shop in a black smock. She manages to insult and emasculate him within the first two minutes of being at the store. Then she passes a FaceTime from Simon off on him, which is awkward. She leaves in a flurry of tight yellow dress and real-looking rabbit fur vest (yuck), carrying a pair of those ridiculous yogurt shop promotional sunglasses with the intention of wearing them for her public speaking event.
I’m surprised she did well at the event, but not surprised that she uses the networking time after to talk about her personal life. She holds a lady hostage who makes the mistake of asking about her ethnic background and then tries to see if she can hook Farrah up with some dates. On the aftershow, they do some sort of gross dating game to try to find her a boyfriend. I’m disgusted by this storyline because I think she needs some time away in a mental hospital before she will be capable of real human interaction.
On the topic of mental health (or lack thereof) Amber and Matt are really not getting along since he acted like a total fucking psycho in Vegas. In their first scene, they are bickering about one of the 47 dogs banging into the door. Matt is dressed exclusively in vacation souvenirs (Capitol Records shirt and Aria Las Vegas beanie) and Amber is wearing a pink Victoria’s Secret knock-off warm up suit that not quite matches her hair. It’s a lot of look, as Tim Gunn would say.
Also, while explaining to Leah what Puerto Rico is, Gary and his wife reveal that they think it is “place people go in a different country” called Mexico. I wonder if there is one fucking person on this show who passed high school geography. Or high school for that matter. Maybe Maci and Tyler.
Over breakfast, Amber gets very emotional about her dad, who recently passed. She regrets that he didn’t get to see her get married, but he did know she got engaged. Her producer, Kerthy (of the Matt asking her to give oral pleasure fame) says the most ridiculous thing, something along the lines of at least Amber’s dad knew she was going to be taken care of. Taken care of, MY ASS. Amber leaves the table and Kerthy follows her all the way to her room, where she really falls apart.
In Puerto Rico (not Spain, not Mexico), Catelynn asks Amber (who wears a giant white hat the entire trip, even at a nice dinner) how the wedding plans are coming. She gives a wishy-washy answer about how they need therapy for their “trust issues” before moving forward. Meanwhile, Matt is flailing around on the beach with his giant gut hanging over his shorts. Hey Matt’s, it’s a called a rash guard and it’s basically a tankini for men. Google it.
The whole group gets a paddle-boarding lesson. Amber is fully clothed even though everybody else has on swimwear. Maci looks crazy hot in her black strappy bikini and impractical swimming choker. Amber, who expressed some insecurity about being in a bathing suit next to Maci, looks fine and I think Catelynn looks cute in boyshorts instead of swimming pants.
Maci and Tyler are excited to get away from their millions of kids. Tyler’s mom is coming to take care of them and Maci’s parents will help out. There is no mention of Ryan, Jen or Larry. In fact, the basketball coach is lined up to take Bentley to practice. Sad.
Speaking of sad, Maci opens up to the ladies about the situation with Ryan. Amber says she recognizes the signs of addiction in Ryan and he needs to hit a bottom before he can get help. Maci is super emotional because she feels like everybody in Ryan’s life, except her, is in denial of his problem and more concerned about appearances than what’s actually happening. Isn’t t that true of every person on this show?
I’m not sure about this Ryan on hard drugs storyline. I definitely agree that Ryan has some sort of personality disorder, but think maybe Maci is accentuating the drama. It is also possible his drug use has just escalated to the point where he can’t hide it any more. Time will tell.
Speaking of drama and addicts, Matt is drinking like a fish on this trip. The guys all go out to a bar and Matt pretends he’s 24 and doesn’t have problems with addiction. I’ve voiced my opinion about this before, but basically it’s like this. Drinking is absolutely fine unless you have publicly claimed to be a recovering alcoholic/addict who wants to build a rehab empire. There’s a word for people in recovery who drink: relapse.
Now I have to get back to a whole different bunch of ridiculous dysfunctional alcoholics on Bloodline.