By Guest Contributor Becky J.
There was just one episode of Teen Mom OG this week, but it was A LOT. The parents of the teen moms and dads came off looking like a bunch of wack-jobs, which helps us understand how these folks ended up pregnant at 16. It also made me feel really great about my own dysfunction (which is the payoff of watching these shows, right?).
Surprise! Butch relapsed. Did I call that or what? In fact, I doubt he was ever really clean since his last vacation to jail (which he pretty much confirmed in a tweaky video interview on the aftershow, where he said the “relapse” was a three month crack binge). He tells Tyler the news over the phone couched in an announcement that he’s going to call Dr. Drew for help. Tyler is super disappointed, but trying to pretend that he’s not. Butch calls Dr. Drew, who states the obvious. He asks Butch how he can expect to stay clean without working on himself and being in a program. It’s pretty obvious Butch isn’t ready to commit to anything as healthy or sane as that. When Butch talks to Tyler, he says the only reason he hasn’t completely given up trying to get clean is cuz Tyler never turns his back on him. Aww, emotional blackmail is so sweet.
Tyler meets up with a his mom to talk about Butch at a restaurant that serves only bacon. They eat strips of bacon that are suspended from a wire rack with charred wooden clothespins. Tyler’s mom questions his terminally negative outlook on life. I can’t figure her out. I’ve always thought she seemed pretty normal, yet she had (not one, but) two kids with Butch, so there’s definitely something off. Maybe she’s not really sane, just heavily medicated?
Speaking of needing medication, Debra is still in town after Sophia’s b-day party. They discuss Debra’s relationship and wedding plans. Farrah is holding a huge grudge against Deb’s fiance, David, because he called her out on her bullshit. I hate her, but can’t really blame her on this one. The dude is creepy. He’s super condescending and picked a fight with Farrah the first time they ever met. What kind of mom’s boyfriend does that? I’ll tell you: A bowtie and one large gold hoop-wearing, attention-whoring 50-something doctor (allegedly) who openly admitted to watching Teen Mom before appearing on the show. I think this weirdo saw a really desperate and needy nut of a woman on TV and decided to jump in the middle of the drama.
Later, Farrah takes Sophia to meet David for the first time at a dinner in LA. She spends the whole meal complaining about the nanny to her mom, while David rubs his head and pretends to be exasperated. Also, he’s wearing a wedding band, WTF?
Farrah tells her mom she doesn’t take this David thing seriously and she’s not going to be around if she marries this guy. It would be super manipulative and rotten if she weren’t right about David. Shades of RHOC’s Brianna and Vicki during the Brooks years here. Here’s the thing, this guy sucks, but Farrah would be acting like this regardless because she’s a needy, fucked up narcissist who can’t stand if her parents are happy without her.
I take back everything nice I’ve ever said about Ryan’s fiancee Mackenzie, she’s an immature, two-faced little shit-stirrer. She had lunch with Maci last week, pretended to be all reasonable and understanding, then ran and told Jen and Larry everything Maci said. They’re pissed! They argue that it’s all “bullcrap” but we all know it’s not because we have eyes. Ryan doesn’t have visits at his own house and Benny does whine about having to go to Jen and Larry’s. Mackenzie is sitting back and admiring her handywork while Ryan looks like he wants to disappear and Larry goes off on a crazy rant. He says all kinds of stupid stuff, but the highlights are that he thinks he is entitled to make decisions for Bentley and Maci doesn’t know shit because she’s only 25.
My question is how the hell do these people not accept that Bentley’s mom calls the shots and knows what’s best for him? They’re the grandparents, which makes them not “entitled” to shit. They had their chance at parenting and they ended up with Mr. Dead Eyes, who doesn’t even have an opinion about his own kid because that would require too much effort. Maci is oblivious to Mackenzie’s duplicity and thinks Ryan and Mac would like to go on a double date to an escape room. This seems like a terrible idea and luckily Ryan blows her off. So, Maci and Taylor go to the escape room and there’s four minutes of my life I’m never getting back.
Amber is adding a makeup line to her web boutique. She’s doing a lot of work from her bed and Matt is pretending to be supportive by chopping tomatoes and frying spaghetti. The producer points out that she has never seen him cook before. That’s because he is too busy sitting on the couch and spending Amber’s money. In a rare lucid moment of self-care and self-reflection, Amber admits to her massage therapist that she doesn’t trust Matt and has serious reservations about getting married.
Amber takes her strange sidekick, Annette, to look at wedding dresses. I can’t figure out why Annette and her man are always hanging around Amber and Matt’s house. They seem much older (actually, they are probably Matt’s age) and like maybe they are getting paid to appear. So, allegedly Annette is getting married after 32 years with her fiance. This is the weak premise they use to get Amber into a wedding dress so she can have a full-on meltdown and admit she doesn’t want to marry Matt. This is a particularly timely segment since it’s been reported in the last couple days that Amber finally dumped Matt after he failed a polygraph amid cheating rumors. It sounds like that was all captured on camera, so I can’t wait to see it play out.
This stupid show always gives me a reason to come back for more.