By Guest Contributor Becky J.
In my opinion, Teen Mom OG is best consumed in a binge, so I’m thrilled that there were two new episodes and a hefty dose of aftershow this week.
The show opens with Farrah hosting an event at her furniture store in Austin. It’s for realtors because she stages homes that are for sale. Farrah’s pretend friend Paola is there and the rest of the guests appear to be men. Farrah is wearing the engagement ring she bought herself and making a big deal about it. It’s pathetic. Not because she bought herself a nice piece of jewelry, but because instead of getting it resized or wearing it on her right hand, she just keeps harping about how Simon doesn’t want to get engaged.
Farrah flies to San Diego and meets up with Simon, who is helping her house hunt. He is now acting like a realtor and they see a couple houses. Farrah is a royal cuntface as usual. She says she doesn’t want to live in a neighborhood with a HOA because it limits her life, animals and creativity. We can only assume she wants to leave the back door open for on-site animal porn in the future. She’s so rude to Simon that I can’t figure out why he doesn’t drop her off in a pasture somewhere and never look back. I’ve said it before, but there’s no paycheck big enough…
Meanwhile, as this airs, Farrah is whoring for attention on the MTV Movie & TV awards red carpet. She’s wearing/culturally appropriating a hot pink sari, a bindi and sporting henna tattoos. Wait, I thought she didn’t do hate crimes?
In other large purchases made with misguided intentions, Matt “bought” a Corvette with Amber’s money and gave it to her for Christmas. It’s really gross. It occurs to me that this situation is a trashy version of when Slade got Gretchen the Rolls Royce in Season 8 of RHOC. Anyone? Later, they decorate the Xmas tree wearing adult onesies and it’s even more nauseating. Then we are rewarded for our suffering when Amber starts crying because Leah can only make one Christmas ornament at school and she wants to hang it on Gary’s tree. Amber freaking out in her Rudolph onesie with a giant bag of McDonald’s on her lap is why I keep watching this fucking show.
Cate is surprising Tyler with a getaway to Jackson Hole, Wyoming. He charmingly refers to it as “good ole J Hole” when he finds out where they’re going. I’m sure the Jackson Hole visitors bureau appreciates that. The trip looks nice, they ride snowmobiles and take a dip in a hot spring. Cate, who appears to be swimming in pants, expresses her gratitude for Tyler being such a supportive husband and father.
In an incredibly awkward interview with Producer, Kiki, Ryan mumbles that he is planning to propose to Mackenzie for Christmas. There’s something wrong with his eyes. He doesn’t blink like a normal person and doesn’t make eye contact. I really wish he didn’t look so much like a serial killer while sharing this exciting news. Ryan’s parents want Bently for Xmas. Maci makes a good point by saying that Ryan is Bentley’s father and Ryan is not asking to spend the holiday with his kid.
Ryan has planned a romantic, private dinner on a riverboat to warm Mackenzie up for the proposal. Of course, it’s super clunky and he has a giant chew in his lip. She agrees to “deal with” him forever and support him through what is sure to be a long battle with mouth and throat cancer. Just kidding, I’m awful and made that last part up. Kissing a guy with dead eyes and a wad of chewing tobacco in his mouth must be super romantic.
Let’s Try to Get Along
Ryan FaceTimes Bentley to share his good news. Everybody is happy for him. Later, Maci meets Mackenzie for lunch and they discuss parenting. Apparently Bentley’s visitation with Ryan still takes place entirely at his parent’s home, even though Ryan and Mackenzie have a perfectly nice house. Maci confides that Benny begs her to stay home and it is revealed that Jen makes him sleep in bed with her when he stays. What the actual fuck?
Mackenzie is a miracle worker because later Ryan calls Bentley and asks if he would rather stay with him on visit weekends. Benny says yes of course and Ryan tells him okay cool. It’s all very reasonable and puts the best interests of the kid first. I can’t wait to see how that conversation goes with Jen and Larry.
Amber and Matt (why is Matt there? Can’t she do anything on her own?) are casting models for a fashion show to promote Amber’s dubiously dubbed online boutique, Forever Haute. Matt is super skeevy with the models. He takes a group pic with Amber surrounded by them and tells everyone to say “Forever Haute” but I swear it sounds like they say “Forever ‘Hoes.”
Amber’s business partner calls to check on the plans for the fashion show. They’re a month out and don’t have a budget, venue or theme. They don’t need an event coordinator because Amber knows how to “put together things.” Then, after realizing how much work it is to produce a fashion show, Amber decides to have a photo shoot instead.
Butch is patching holes in the walls at Ty and Cate’s old house. He seems depressed like he might go get high again. Cait and Tyler are bugging me this week. They seem to just hang around the house and go to see their pretend therapist a lot. Why aren’t they volunteering with pregnant teens considering adoption, in school or running businesses? Or Tyler could at least be over at the old house working with Butch to fix it up. And why is Nova always naked? I understand once or twice and I know two year olds are messy and wiggly (I have one), but she’s always in jammies or just a diaper. It’s creepy that they make a habit of letting her be on TV without clothes.
Farrah is planning Sophia’s eighth birthday has invited her mom, which is sure to be a shit show. The day of the event arrives and Farrah is busily abusing all the living creatures in her home. She screams at her dad, tells her mom to shut up and spray paints her mini horse in an effort to make it look like a magical unicorn. It’s a slumber party with six little girls, but there is a red carpet with a step and repeat, a hired princess and a eight-tier birthday cake. Debra has a belly shirt and a rainbow painted on her face. Farrah is wearing a bathrobe and complaining how her childhood birthday parties weren’t good enough. It’s insane and so are Farrah and her mom.
On the first aftershow, Nessa is reading my mind. She confronts Ryan about his chew during the proposal, but quickly drops it because she’s not as rude as me. She also interviews Javi from TM2, who reveals that Lincoln spilled the beans to him about Kailyn’s pregnancy. On the second aftershow, it’s hella awkward because Cate, Maci and Amber still aren’t filming with Farrah. So, Farrah gives slutty makeovers to some single moms while the other girls model Amber’s Haute clothes. Amber actually looks thinner when she isn’t buried in a hoody or stupid onesie! I have to eat my words cuz Catelynn talks about how she and Ty are launching a business. Guess what it is? Children’s clothing! Oh the irony.