By Dainty Feets
This first episode of the new season is jam packed with ridiculousness. While watching, I felt like I was in a time warp. A slow down time warp. This recap will be packed full of details because it is the first episode and I want everyone to suffer like I did watching it.
Our first booter to arrive is Farrah Abraham (16 and Pregnant and Teen Mom) and her parents, Michael and Debra. I don’t like her new face. Straight up though, I enjoy watching Farrah on anything. She is the second most delusional person I’ve ever watched and I find her fascinating. Farrah introduces herself and includes her sex tape in her resume. Apparently, Farrah’s storyline this episode involves a situation that took place back on 16 and Pregnant. She was fighting with her mother and Debra slapped her. Debra had a brief stay in jail over this incident. I remember watching that show and teenage Farrah was a monster teen. Farrah describes her Dad as a pansy. Debra has her first confessional and the only thing she says about Farrah is she can become angry in a matter of seconds. Michael says that his problem with Farrah is that she is inconsiderate and disrespectful. Then this grown ass man whines that Farrah kicked him out of her house. They are the first to arrive so they get to open the champagne. Debra proposes a toast – to health and happiness to their family. Farrah comments that was a weak ass toast and includes a threat to her parents in her retoast.
Mike (The Situation) Sorrentino (Jersey Shore and a previous season of Marriage Bootcamp, which Kendra was also on), Marc the middle brother and the oldest brother Frank, who prefers to be called Maximo arrive next. It quickly becomes obvious that Mike and Marc relentlessly bully Maximo. Mike doesnt agree with the man Maximo is. Apparently, Maximo announced on Twitter Mike was cheating on his girlfriend. When Mike confronted him, he was charged with assault. Marc considers himself exceptionally aggressive and feels he takes on a father role, with the brothers. Hey, he saved Mike’s life because if it hadn’t been for him Mike would be dead from drugs. Turns out Marc was also in charge of Mike’s business activities and he currently has a problem with the IRS. The understatement of the night goes to Marc when he claims that whole IRS thing causes friction.
Next up we have Chad (Ochocinco) Johnson (NFL football player, Basketball wives), and his mother Paula.In his confessional he introduces himself and says he lost it all after he had a domestic violence charge brought against him (by Evelyn Lozado, his ex wife and also on Basketball Wives).
Apparently when he was 5, Paula abandoned him when she dropped him off with his grandmother. Paula claims she didn’t abandon him, she just didn’t want to uproot him. Her first confessional quote “Chad is a damn fool. He has to leave his damn sperm in every motherfucking relationship.” Classy. He does have six kids though.
Oh shit, not her. Kendra Wilkerson and her mother, Patti are next to arrive. Kendra describes herself as most known as being a reality TV STAR.” She claims that her mother sold her out to the tabloids and she believes the devil is involved somehow. They have not spoken in 2 years.
We peek in on the conversation back in the living room, where we find Farrah asking Maximo if he’s gay or straight. Mike chimes in with “we don’t know” and Marc barks that he had a wife. Maximo responds that he is fully gay and would never go back.
Dr. Ish and Dr. V (otherwise known as the woman whose face does not move) arrive and it’s time for their first exercise. t’s Christmas time in the Bootcamp house (but not in the real world.) Little people are standing around a decorated tree with presents underneath, singing a vicious song to the tune of Deck The Halls, ” Deck the halls with boughs of baggage, fa la la la la la lah lah. Assault your loved ones with foul language, fa la la la la la lah lah.”
The exercise involves a discussion about the depression of holidays and the stress of holding in resentments. Santa opens his book and reads,” Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house, Mother Johnson left Chad alone at grandmother’s house. Three brothers from Jersey live as if on constant vacation, bringing only fist fights and alleged tax evasion…Marc interrupts and snaps at Santa that he knows nothing about that. Santa breaks character and looks kind of afraid, but he continues his tale.
Next they open presents. Debra opens her present and it’s a noose. Apparently, in the past Farrah has wished her mother dead. Yikes. Farrah once again brings up the incident from 6 years ago. Farrah claims her whole face was bleeding. Debra denies this and points to the corner of her own lip and says she had a little drop of blood right there. Farrah gets so upset she huffs her way out of the room. She gets the cameras all to herself while they film her meltdown. She has special one on one time with Dr V. Where she breaks down and cries and heaves with emotions. Dr V tells her to get her ass back in that room or she has to leave.
Michael’s gift is a pair of balls. He claims he has balls. Chad opens an empty box symbolizing what his mother has given him. Oh dear, I know I made a sad face watching this because he looked so sad. Paula’s gift is a box of shit. Horse shit to be specific. He wants answers and she is not giving him any.
Marc starts to trash talk Maximo. He says Mike and Marc are the big dogs and the little Chihuahua that’s always barking is Maximo. Marc calls Maximo a frail male because he came out as gay last year.
Farrah decides to pipe in questioning Mike and Marc. Farrah says she has bigger men than Mike and Marc in her life and she doesn’t think they should be talking down to their brother. Then she tells them to shut the fuck up. She tells Marc he is not a man and doesn’t have any man in him. Marc turns to her and quips “and you have had every man in YOU.” Best line ever.
Maximo’s gift is a jar of leeches. Michael’s gift is a jar of prescription drugs. Marc has handcuffs, which he think has to do with the legal matter. He thinks it was a stupid gift. Marc is afraid of getting busted for embezzlement, I think.
Kendra’s gift is a voodoo doll. WTF? Patties gift is stacks of money since Kendra claims she sells stories to the tabloid.
It’s time to check out the sleeping arrangements. Paula is unhappy with the drug reference signs in her room and takes them down. Of course, drama flows with cameras following along. Mike and Marc object to their room being fashioned as a jail cell. Marc really thinks he’s in jail so he gets aggressive and threatens to tear it down. Dr. Ish comes to talk him down (and, my guess, administer his meds).
Kendra and Patti have a room decorated with tabloid covers. Kendra says it’s awkward and neither is speaking to the other. Farrah, Debra and Michael have a room together. Her sex toys are decorating this room. Blow up dolls, whips and probably the mold of her vajayjay, even though they didn’t mention that.
NEXT WEEK: Farrah calls her mother a stupid dumb bitch. Paula breaks down because she doesn’t want to feel her feelings. Marc acts like a rebellious little boy.
Marriage Boot Camp: Family Edition airs Friday nights at 9 pm on WeTV.