Sorry for the delay in recapping this episode, it was a very busy week with breaking news on the reality show front and I got too busy to get to it. I’m excited to have a moment to catch up now though! And then the housewives grind begins again…
Well this is strange, the show seems to start a minute or so off even though the commercial came just before hand. It appears that Nev is unable and rocker, Chantal Claret, is filling in for him. Ah, for some reason they thought it necessary to place a preview for the show we are about to watch, at the beginning of the show. Does that make sense to anyone? No. Noe it does not. Nev is on paternity leave because his wife just had a baby when this episode was filmed. Awe. We even get to see the baby when Max Skypes Nev.
This week’s sucker is Marvin. He is 22 and lives in Joplin, Missouri. He thinks he is have text sex with a “model” named Austin that he met on Grindr for the last three months. Austin conveniently lives two miles away. And wait for it, they have never met of video chatted. Le sigh. Also Austin uses so many social media filters he looks like a warped version of Jesus on those catholic religious candles they sell at the Dollar Tree. Oh and Marvin is black and Austin is white Jesus, not black Jesus in case you didn’t watch the show. This may or may not matter in the future.
Chantal and Max wonder why Marvin is looking for love on Grindr instead of looking for dick like everyone else. Answer, Marvin be dumb.
The Staging of The Sucker’s House
At least Marvin, or in this case his mama got a nice new brown leather couch. Apparently, mama didn’t allow them to put any nail holes in her wall, so it has been either painted or digitally altered to a nice institution gray.
On Grindr, Marvin sends lots of dick pics to Austin and only after ponders who he is sending nude pictures to. Because, Marvin. Marvin has also spoken to “Austin’s sister” or as I shall refer to her, Suspect Number 1.
The Ridiculously Amateur Investigation
Chantal and Max head to an ice cream shop to do their investigation. They quickly discover, because they know how to use the Internet, that Austin is using a photo of some guy who is a model in Toronto and the editor of a fashion magazine. They find a guy on Austin’s social media who claims to know him. He works right up the street. So off we go. The name of the shop is C’est la Vie, which Max wrongly translates to “beautiful life.” This puts a tiny chink in my Max crush. Why is Max going in without Chantal? That seems like an odd production call. C’est La Vie is Woody’s hair salon. I’d be sure that Woody was a psuedonym that production came up with but there are giant letters on the wall that spell out Woody! This could be useful in case Woody forgets his own name, which is not out of the question because he is old enough for memory loss to be a problem. Woody, aka Suspect #2 gives Max the phone number of his friend Kurt who is supposedly had met Austin. Again, this whole episode is weird. When they call Kurt he says he has met Austin and his description matches the real Austin. Kurt claims to have been at a party with his boyfriend when they met him. Kurt says that Austin lives in Joplin. Kurt is stuck in several lies, but what does Woody have to do with all this? Kurt is suspect #3.
In the updating of Marvin, we are reminded that Woody claims to have cut Austin’s hair. Max makes it clear that the dick he has been sent doesn’t belong to the model. Because Nev is not around, Max has to call the catfish and he is not thrilled with that role. He doesn’t get an answer so he tries texting. The camera man pulls out (heh) the shot a couple of times to let us know that Max is wearing sweatpants that appear to be slightly revealing. Meanwhile, Marvin is worried about who he has been sending dic pics to.
Max gets a Facetime call. It’s Myles the real model. He let’s Marvin know that he is not the person he has been talking to. Marvin stares lovingly at Myles. Cue the sad music.
On the way home from Marvin’s house, Max gets a local call from Isaiah, Kurt’s boyfriend. He just had a conversation with Kurt about “their relationship with Austin.” He is sick of the drama and wants to meet with them tomorrow at his house. Yay more new couches! Fun Fact” we are almost 15 minutes past the part where the sucker meets the catfish in a park near a large body of water. What is going on with this episode?
At The Catfish’s House?
Max and Chantal meet at Isaiah’s house, which is appears to be in the two mile radius Grindr shows for the catfish. Things are fishy already. Get it? Fishy? #Kneeslap Also, no free couch for Isaiah because he was not let in the house. “Isaiah” claims that his boyfriend Kurt has been talking to him as Austin. I call bullshit. This is all Isaiah. Oh wait, Isaiah tells Max that Kurt is hiding out at a friend’s house. It is just a few houses down. There we find Kurt who is quite over weight, and a guy named Jason who seems like a prick and a fat chick named Kylie. Kylie is the fake sister, and the real catfish. Kurt says he just set up the profile for Kylie. The three of them all had access to the profile. Kylie said it was originally for the purpose of finding cheaters. Bitch? You aren’t grindr material. What’s your angle? Are you just the world’s worst fag hag? They claim to really like Marvin. At least they like him a lot more than the other 15 or so people they are fucking around with. I’m practicing my death wish skills on the three fat fucks. Jason seems to say it is Marvin’s fault for being dumb. And that’s true. But they are some assholes with no lives trolling the Internet. I’d rather be Marvin. He’s twenty-two, he can get smarter. They will always be pieces of shit.
They were filming on the front yard because they don’t deserve a new couch.
Actually, I didn’t think there would be a return visit. But as it turns out, Jason got the couch. Suddenly the fucktard trio has had a change of heart. No one believes them. Max does get them to take down the fake site and put up an announcement that it is fake.
I’m still honing my death wish skills on these fucktards.
UPDATE May 31 2017 Still Hooked episode. I am not done hating these three assholes for what they did to Marvin and we are already doing an update? The three fucktards took Marvin out to dinner. They want Marvin to be their friend. RUN! MARVIN! RUN! Max says they seem to be trying to absolve themselves of some of their guilt.
Marvin arrives and the three fucktards claim they feel bad. Noe. Noe. You. Do. Not. They are all still assholes in denial. This seems like it happened really close to when they were filming. OH MARVIN. Why do you want to give these asswipes a second chance? Do you have any friend standards AT ALL?