Every episode of Vanderpump Rules brings us one step closer to the wedding that shouldn’t be. The whole gang has gathered at the wedding venue. Yay! Lisa Vanderpump has arrived (by private jet) to ordain the wedding. Whee! Jax and Sandoval are balls deep into a plan to surprise Schwartz by flying his triplet brothers to the festivities. Hip, hip, hooray! All that remains is the traditional pre-wedding tubing adventure, the rehearsal dinner and the main event. Oh, well. As commenter KyGee pointed out, once the wedding is done we won’t have to hear “Bridesmaids, ooh rah rah” ever again. Whoo hoo! And I actually mean that one.
The soon-to-be weds are going over last minute details with their wedding planner. She’s seems to know what she’s doing. They probably didn’t find her on Craig’s List. Schwartz’s mom arrives. Hey! Someone from his family actually agreed to participate in this nightmare. She’s a good sport about it. She takes a shot of Fireball and hugs her boy. Sometimes you just have to let your kids make their own mistakes. It’s the only way they learn.
Jax is freaking out because Schwartz’s
adult brothers missed their flight. Jax fully expected this to happen but, even so, he “couldn’t think of anything more worse.” And then we get several minutes of Jax questioning whether “more worse” is good grammar. He eventually gives up and we get to join the drama already in progress. Not only is the surprise in jeopardy, but now Jax has to shell out more money to get the triplets there. This is serious, folks.
Everyone else is day drinking. Brittany thinks her job as bridesmaid is to get everyone to party. Not too difficult with this crowd. Shay is miserable. Scheana deals with it like she does any other problem in her life. She glosses over it. I’m happy he made it out of that marriage in one piece but it’s pretty awkward to watch.
The gang goes tubing. It looks like a lot of fun. Big floaties, lots of beer. They even have a floatie just for the beer. That’s how you do tubing right. Of course, being a Northern California girl I can assure you that river is ice cold. And there are too many bugs for the complaining twins (Stassi and Scheana). Suddenly, over the horizon, comes Tom Sandoval. Schwartzie’s boyfriend made it! And he brought 50 twelve-packs of Coors Light with him. Schwartz tells us, “I love, love, love Tom Sandoval.” We know.
Sandoval, Jax and Ariana have a triplet huddle. The brothers missed their first flight, which led to them missing their connecting flight, but they’ll arrive by dinner. Jax continues to complain about the extra cost. Sandoval is just happy to see drunken Schwartz, in all his glory, floating down the river on a big pink flamingo. #priorities.
At the rehearsal, LVP shares that she’s gotten no guidance on the ceremony from Tom and Katie. This has to be storyline, right? Who plans the ceremony the night before? Katie doesn’t want it too drawn out but she also doesn’t want it too fast. Alrighty then. I think you’re on your own with this one, Lisa. Ken asks Schwartz about his vows and he hasn’t written them yet. You know what? This has to be scripted and I’m out.
Finally they move on to the Taco Tuesday rehearsal dinner. Jax won’t stop flirting with Schwartz’s mom. Stassi finds a way to make the moment about herself. Schwartz gives his mom a diamond ring. Some might find it odd but I think it’s adorable. Stassi’s mom is at Tom and Katie’s intimate wedding and I’m annoyed again.
And then it’s time for the big triplet reveal. Right off the bat it’s clear they are characters from Zach Galifianakis’ early stand up career. I consider that a compliment but take it as you like. Jax and Sandoval pull Schwartz aside and one by one the triplets join them. It’s like a clown car. Schwartz cries. The triplets cry. Sandoval cries. Even I get a little teary. Okay, I’ll admit it. I have a soft spot for Schwartz.
LVP confronts Stassi about the past. Stassi apologizes without any bitchy talking heads. I guess she learned a lesson about biting the hand that feeds you. Then LVP checks in with Scheana about her marriage. Scheana lies her ass off. Shay adds nothing to the conversation because he’s hiding in his cabin. LVP rounds things out by talking to Katie. She lets slip that she hasn’t finished her vows and Lisa is appalled. Schwartz joins them and I suddenly realize he’s going to give his vows in babytalk. Yeah, I’m over Schwartz.
Katie goes HAM on the pinata. Then Jax and Sandoval hump it. Sigh.
The morning of the wedding, the groomsmen (and Ariana) go fishing. Jax complains. He needs to join Stassi and Scheana’s club. Schwartz still hasn’t written his vows. Ariana is worried that he’ll ad lib and we’ll get a bunch of bubba this and bubba that. There’s a reason she’s my favorite.
The bridesmaids get their hair and makeup done. Katie is strangely calm. Did she eat an edible? Kristen tries to prove she’s the maid of honor by waiting on Katie hand and foot. The only thing Katie needs is someone to write her vows. Sheesh.
In the boys area, Jax has appointed himself shepherd of the triplets. He asks if they’ve showered. When they say yes, he asks, “Swear to god?” Sandoval gets annoyed. He has a point. It’s pretty obnoxious. They should be more concerned with Schwartz. He figures a dip in the river means he doesn’t need to shower. What he does need to do is write his vows. Seriously?
LVP gets to the wedding site early. She micromanages the setup and brags to Ken about all the decisions she made for Katie. I’ll give her one thing: she came prepared with her speech written out.
And then tragedy strikes: Katie doesn’t fit in her dress. She questions the wisdom of taco Tuesday, wedding Wednesday. But it all works out. The bridesmaids remove some boning and she looks truly lovely.
Katie’s dad cries when he sees her in her dress. Schwartz and Katie’s moms walk the groom down the aisle. Schwartz cries as Katie takes her own trip down the aisle. It’s really happening and I’m starting to get swept up in the glamor of it all. Damn.
Next week: The wedding and reception. LVP asks Katie about having babies. LVP talks to the Toms about opening a bar with her. Sandoval asks Ariana to think about marriage. Scheana finally admits that her marriage is faltering. And the Shays decide to divorce.