I’m so excited that it is time for Catfish again! I can tell by the names that this episode is going to be fantastic. The weirder the names the dumber the people, in my experience. Um, except for those of your reading here with really dumb names. You are the exceptions.
This week’s catfish victim is 25 year old Alante (ah Lahn tay). Let’s just call him Al. Hell I might even Neveah, Betty now that Paul Simon has taken over my brain. See? Al and Betty seems smarter already, no?
So Al is a hardworking single father from Saginaw, Michgan. Betty is 24 and lives in Detroit. Despite living just one hundred miles away, the two have never met in the EIGHT YEARS they have known each other. Clearly, the next step is a Vegas wedding. No really, that is the plan. Betty is flaky as hell and doesn’t always keep in touch. But hey! Just get married and things will all work out. She left him hanging in the food court at the mall waiting on him once or twice. The good news is she does video chat with him, but she is always in complete darkness. Still, perfectly normal. Call the Elvis chapel. I almost feel sorry for Al.
At Al’s house there was no free paint job for the front porch. Or even just the door, but he got a great couch and an aquatic plant or two. The walls are white. I was expecting a weird green shade. If there is not consistent paint color for the walls this season, I’m going to be disappointed. Al seems like a nice guy. And nice guys finish last.
The Moronic Internet Search
The boys do their super sleuthy Google searches on Neveah, I mean Betty. The quickly realize that Betty is not the person in the photos she sent Al. Betty and Al have 46 mutual friends on Facebook so the text them all asking how they know Betty. There actually was a cool little Facebook hack involved in this investigation that shows mutual friends between two Facebook posters. The large majority of the names are also really fucking stupid. Clearly most of them are made up by Betty. It looks like they have found Betty whose real name is Latoya. Guess where she lives? Did you guess Saginaw? Because duh. This is either Al’s baby momma or another random girl he’s hooked up with. The good news is we don’t have to go to Detroit.
As it turns out, Betty (Latoya?) is an Internet THOT. She’s been chatting up with lots of guys in Saginaw online. People that Al knows. The boys fittingly break the news to Al at a wiener roast. Al doesn’t recognize Latoya, though. This recap needs a musical interlude. Take it away, Paul…
A man walks down the street
He says why am I short of attention
Got a short little span of attention
And wo my nights are so long
Where’s my wife and family
What if I die here
Who’ll be my role-model
Now that my role-model is
The Phone Call
It’s time for the whole Nev calls the catfish who reluctantly agrees to meet up at a park by a large body of water. They have to wait for her to call back. Al needs a shot of tequila. Shortly after they text Nevaeh asking for a callback, Seiairah calls. Because Latoya or whoever this is loves to make up tons of stupidly spelled nonsensical names on the Internet. Is there really nothing better to do in Saginaw? Like maybe get a job? Seiairah wants to meet up at a park by a large body of water. The boys decide not to go back for Al just yet. He needs a bit of time to cry into a pint of ice cream and watch some Lifetime movies.
Seiairah/Nevaeh apparently didn’t get the memo about the park next to a large body of water memo because they are meeting her on what appears to be her, um corner, next to a porta potty. I suppose we make do with what we have. This chick may win for worst weave ever on Catfish. That is saying a lot. In fact I should do a whole post on that. She has tons of Ronald McDonald read braids that begin midway on top of her head. I hope I can get a photo of this. Catfish is terrible about providing still photos.
Seiairah denies being Nevaeh and does a really fake sounding phone call. Nevaeh says to meet her at a park by a large body of water. So she is serious. Because that is where the big meets always happen. The meeting is in an hour so now they have to go interrupt Al’s Lifetime Movie.
He ducked back down the alley
With some roly-poly little bat-faced girl
All along along
There were incidents and accidents
There were hints and allegations
Al says he know Seiairah and she is a girl who has a crush on him. Nev said that Seirairah is attractive so he’s a bit confused. I’m guessing Al is a client of Seiairah’s. So off to the park we go. In a not so shocking turn of events, it’s Erika, Al’s god sister from the wiener roast.
Erika’s story makes absolutely no sense. Al just walks off and doesn’t have anything to say to his god sister Erika who has been catfishing him and lots of other guys in Saginaw for years. Hell even Nev doesn’t buy her story and he falls for everything.
The next day, Erika comes over to Max’s house for the reckoning. Erika’s new story is that Al didn’t warn her that the man she was in and out of a relationship with for seven years was not that in to her. Why is that Al’s job? He’s already got a job down at the factory!
Now Erika is giving the usual low self-esteem, dark skinned girl cop out. One the way out the door she tells Nev she loves Al to death and he is the closest thing to her. Really? Yanking his chain for eight years? Betty is one cold-hearted bitch. Again, Nev feels sorry for her. Al doesn’t and neither do I.
The follow up call is an unusual FIVE months later. And they are both together. They are back to being friends. He has moved but he is back in town because his father died. He needed a friend so they made up. Erika is pregnant by some dude.
If you’ll be my bodyguard
I can be your long lost pal
I can call you Betty
And Betty when you call me
You can call me Al
Call me Al