The Vanderpump Rules “kids” are in New Orleans and they’re trying to finish what Katrina started. Too soon? My bad, but you know it’s true. So far there have been tears (mostly Sandoval), drunken spats (Katie and Schwartz, obviously) and the main event: confronting Schwartz about cheating with Vegas girl. Yeah, Schwartz thought he swept that one under the rug back in season three but Kristen Doute isn’t going to let him off that easily. All cheating must be exposed and rehashed endlessly! Now, I’m not complaining. I’d much rather watch them argue than another boring scene of Katie’s wedding preparations but I’m still going to snark about it. It’s my right and my duty. Plus, these fools give me so much to work with!
We’re back in the hotel with Sandoval and Schwartz. After having his highly anticipated drag evening ruined by Kristen, Schwartz is done. Like, really done. For the first time, he says the six little words every viewer (and probably his therapist) have been waiting five season for: “I’m not going to marry Katie.” Now, we know it won’t stick. Schwartz is too much of a wussy pussy to actually follow through. But it’s nice to hear. It also makes me wonder how much footage they’ll reference in their divorce filing. And before you get too excited, no, I haven’t heard anything but you know it’s gonna happen sooner rather than later. Allegedly.
In another room, the mean girls are wearing their arms out fanning the flames of this fight. Katie is eating it up with a fork and spoon. She gets to blame Schwartz for all of her behavior. And it’s another thing to hang over his head whenever they fight. Win, win.
Sandoval works overtime enabling his best boyfriend. While Schwartz hides in the bedroom (probably contemplating his tight tuck), Sandoval rages at Scheana and Ariana. He knows Schwartz didn’t sleep with Vegas girl. Sure, he wasn’t there, but he knows. He practically gives a “Leave Britney Alone” speech punctuated by kicking the door open to reveal “abused wife” Schwartz in his wig cap and wedding dress. Sandoval needs to include this scene on his acting reel.
Making another incredibly stupid decision, Schwartz wanders into the lion’s den (ie: Katie’s room). He’s so drunk he has to be subtitled. He calls Katie a bitch and stumbles away. Now the hyenas have even more material to work with. Kristen blames Sandoval for Schwartz’s behavior. He never acts like this unless Sandoval is around! I still think Kristen started all of this because she wasn’t able to get Sandoval in trouble for Miami girl and figures getting one Tom is better than none. Your bias is showing, Kristen.
Jax, the voice of reason, counsels Schwartz to just tell the truth. It worked for him. Every. Single. Time. He asks Schwartz if he’s sober enough to do it. Schwartz is all, “Yeah, yeah, yeah,” and they ignore the fact that he’s dribbling beer all over the hallway. Jax pulls him into Katie’s bedroom but Katie refuses to talk. She’s a harpy about it but she’s not wrong. Schwartz is falling down drunk. They need to deal with this in the morning.
Meanwhile, I just wrote a full page on the first ten minutes of the show. Focus, LC!
Everyone wakes up hung over. They have group activities planned all day. Awkward. As they wait for Katie to arrive, Schwartz tells everyone he’s scared to see her. And Sandoval is still wearing his false nails. Everyone seems to have a good time because, instead of joining their friends, Stassi takes Katie and Kristen to her family home. We meet her grandmother (adorable) and they bitch about Schwartz. Why is this wedding happening?
I refuse to write about Lisa Vanderpump’s useless Sur scenes. They’re just filler and advertisement. No.
Finally we get the Katie/Schwartz showdown. Schwartz meekly tiptoes into the room. Katie is waiting with stank face firmly in place. Schwartz asks her why they’re fighting and she claims she’s having a great time. Sigh. Katie tells him to admit he had sex with Vegas girl and Schwartz sticks to his “it never happened” story. Katie morphs into victim mode and Schwartz tells her to just drop the Vegas thing. He tells her she was a nightmare the first four years they dated. She shoots back that he put a ring on her finger so he needs to stop complaining about her actions. Why is this wedding happening? To underline the seriousness of the conversation, Schwartz starts mainlining whipcream straight from the can. Katie tells him to stop reminding her of every shitty thing she does. She can remember herself. WHY IS THIS WEDDING HAPPENING? And then it’s over. They’re smiling and joking. I’m so confused. You know, maybe I should be happy they got married. They’re both such nightmares they deserve each other. There! Are you happy? You broke me.
The gang gets all dolled up for their last night in NOLA. Everyone is over the past few days and determined to have fun. They get trashed. Schwartz explains that heavy drinking is the glue that brings them together. It works. They naturally play spin the bottle because, thirty-year olds. The first spin is Schwartz and Sandoval. Schwartz tells us this is the last time he’s going to kiss someone else as a single man. Paging Dr Freud. Stassi gets Peter and he gets flashbacks to the time they dated. Eventually people just start kissing which leads to Stassi and Peter making out.
Kristen and Sandoval find themselves outside, alone. She tells him his weave is showing and I love her for it. And then she lays into him. He’s a giant asshole. He had no right to talk to Carter about her. She’s drunk and on fire. Sandoval tries to play Mr Cool. He’s not as good at it as Ariana is. While yelling at Sandoval, Kristen admits she slept with a ton of guys behind his back. Two in one weekend, Sandoval adds. Gee, I wonder why their relationship fell apart? Sandoval wants to have an emotional moment like they had in Miami but Kristen just wants to bash him. They hug and she acts like he has cooties. I don’t know, maybe he does. Maybe they’re hiding in his weave.
Over at Villa Rosa, LVP floats the idea of opening a new restaurant in the old sex shop they bought. She likes the idea of getting some young partners to do all the work and suggests Sandoval. Très scripted but funny nonetheless.
The drunken revelries continue in New Orleans. The bar has a murphy bed so Katie gets on and Schwartz grinds on her. Yeah, we get to see his stupid Bubba tattoo. While Sandoval makes it rain all over Katie, Schwartz pulls down his pants and searches for his penis. Again. Jax gets so excited he starts dancing like it’s the year 2000 and he’s in N’Sync. Bye, bye, bye.
As they pack to go home, Shay pontificates on marriage and Scheana totally tunes him out. This might be when we start seeing their relationship fall apart. Or this just might be par for the course for the Shays. The Schwartz’s, on the other hand, agree to just bottle things up. They’re getting married in two weeks. They don’t have time to deal with any of their issues. Great plan, kids. Way to build a solid marriage, for sure.
Next week: The annual Sur photoshoot! Scheana complains to Katie that she feels left out. Stassi internet dates. Katie and Schwartz ask Lisa to marry them and she questions whether they should be getting married at all.