Tonight Vanderpump Rules brings us Part Two of
Stassi’s Katie and Tom’s Katie’s bridal shower blowout in New Orleans. WeHo in NOLA, y’all! So far, Katie’s been smacked in the face with Mardi Gras beads (awesome), Scheana gave Shay a book of photographs of herself for their wedding anniversary (what a shocker), Stassi whined about her breakup (yawn) and Katie threw a drunken fit (run Tom, run). And that was just the beginning. So fasten your seatbelts, it’s going to be a vapid night!
Brittany wakes Jax up after a night of drinking. She wants to continue their discussion about why he can apologize for being mean to exes but continues to treat her poorly. He has selective hearing when it comes to Brittany. He whines that if he’s bad to girlfriends, he gets in trouble but if he’s good to girlfriends by apologizing, he’s in trouble. Oh, poor Jax. I feel so bad for him. Tom Schwartz wakes up an equally hung over Katie. In his stupid “Bubba” baby voice he tells her he slept on the couch because she was mean to him. Katie sees their night very differently. We get a montage of each of them telling the story. This couple has no business getting married.
The ladies head to Galatoire’s for a fancy brunch. Katie feels like she’s in The Notebook, except her fiancée is a total jerk. Kristen jumps right in, foaming at the mouth about Schwartz’s awful behaviour towards Katie. I guess being Katie’s bridesmaid means being her minion. And now I want to see a Caroline Stanbury and Juliet vs Katie and Kristen cage match. The food looks amazing. Scheana naturally complains about it because, Scheana.
Since Kristen is a vegetarian and the smells are getting to her, she pulls Scheana into the vestibule to bitch about Schwartz. During Katie’s drunken fit the night before, Kristen got her to admit that she was still angry about the cheating. And while Schwartz claims he only kissed the girl in Vegas, Kristen knows they fucked. Uh oh. You know how Kristen gets when she “knows” something. Kristen and Scheana agree that the Schwartz’s will never have a happy marriage until Katie gets over it. And to get over it, Schwartz needs to admit what really happened and apologize. They decide it’s their job to make that happen. Poor Schwartzy. He has no idea the pain he’s about to encounter.
The guys (and Ariana) take a swamp tour. Schwartz was scared of Vanderpump’s mini horses so alligators are way outside of his comfort zone. Sandoval hands Schwartz a box of donuts and he reaches in before he notices the snake. He is not amused. He goes to grab a beer and there are snakes in the beer. Ha ha ha. Schwartz is a pussy. We get it. And then Sandoval pulls down his pants and puts his naked ass on Schwartz’s head. Was it only two weeks ago they were bragging about their lack of homoerotic antics? They finish things off with a real Louisiana crab boil.
They ruin an amazing meal by talking about Katie. Sandoval encourages couple’s counseling but Schwartz knows it’s pointless. You need to be willing to take some responsibility for counseling to make a difference. Carter, Kristen’s boyfriend, follows the script she gave him and suggests that Katie’s still mad about the cheating. Schwartz wishes the cheating thing could be resolved but it sounds like he’s not really taking responsibility for his actions either. Have I mentioned that these two should NOT get married? The Toms pile on Carter and calls him out for spewing Kristen propaganda. Finally Jax addresses the elephant in the room: Schwartz doesn’t want to spend the rest of his life with Katie. I don’t know who’s writing Jax’s scripts lately, but he’s right on the money. Sandoval jumps into enabler mode and starts crying about how Schwartz is an abused wife. He’s not entirely wrong.
Kristen surprises Katie with a female stripper. She’s really proud of herself. She also thinks the boys are going to be super jealous that the girls got a stripper and they didn’t. Uh, Kristen. Right now the boys are getting ready for their night in drag. I don’t think they care what you’re doing.
Aubrey, Starr and Anastacia show up to mentor the boys through their drag transformation. As Sandoval explains, every boy needs a Drag Mother. Aubrey pulls out her duct tape and asks if anyone needs to tuck. Jax wasn’t prepared to go that far but quickly caves to peer pressure. Ariana ducks out for a visit to the girls’ room so she can pontificate on how cool they are for blurring gender boundaries. #CollegeGirl. She runs back to the boys so we can watch the Drag Queens beat the boy’s faces. And she can put on her Drag King outfit.
The boys, led by Schwartz’s alter ego Visa Manderhump, go to a sports bar. Uh, okay. Ariana has clearly based her character on a combination of Justin Bieber and James Kennedy and it’s rocking my world. Peter does a great impersonation of the mean girls when Ariana buys drinks for some ladies in the bar. Schwartz is absolutely trashed. He shows some bar patrons his tight tuck and asks if they know where his penis went. Jax blames his overdrinking on being a guy that’s going to get married and maybe shouldn’t be. Some guy finally buys him a drink and it makes his life. Jax, meanwhile, is trying to figure out how to pee without getting it on his dress. He fails.
Stassi schedules a murder tour for the girls. As their guide explains the gruesome deaths, Kristen slurs, “If they’re cheaters, I get it.” She’s working overtime to get Katie mad at Schwartz. She is determined a Tom will pay for cheating and if she can’t get Sandoval, Schwartz will have to do.
Eventually the boys join the girls and they get to see their partners in drag. They’re a big hit. Kristen, seeing Katie happy to see Schwartz, decides it’s time to confront him. So much for their fun. She informs him that all of his and Katie’s fights are because he fucked a girl in Vegas. Schwartz denies it and calls Kristen a basic bitch. Yeah, Schwartz isn’t very good at fighting. Kristen pleads with Schwartz to come clean and work it out before the wedding.
He runs away, pulling Sandoval and Carter with him. They end up in a hallway, arguing about Crazy Kristen. Stassi somehow manages to be in the right place at the right time and pulls a Vince Van Patten from a doorway. Carter gets frustrated hearing his girl defamed and tells the Toms they should just date each other. Jax and Brittany hear the fight from their room and Jax wisely decides to avoid the drama. Carter should follow his lead. Instead, he continues arguing that Schwartz slept with the girl in Vegas. Katie finally makes her way into the fray and takes Kristen’s side over Schwartz’s. Good thing she didn’t vow to have his back.
The Toms, Ariana and Scheana end up in a hotel room. Scheana tells them everyone knows Schwartz slept with the girl. He denies it. 100%. I mean, he can’t remember what happened that night but he definitely did not have sexual relations with that woman. Ariana and Scheana try to make him see that this is why Katie flies off the handle about small, unimportant issues but he’s over it. He storms out of the room claiming he’s not going to marry Katie. Ooh, cliffhanger.
Next week: Katie calls LVP to report about her fights with Schwartz. Sandoval calls Schwartz a battered wife. Jax tells Brittany that Schwartz did admit to sleeping with Vegas girl. Kristen talks to Sandoval about her infidelities. The gang gets drunk and plays spin the bottle.