We survived last week’s
Summer House promo Vanderpump Rules birthday extravaganza so I’m looking forward to getting back to our regular LA famewhoring. I’m sick of Montauk, I’m sick of Nascar. I’m sick of overgrown frat boys, I’m sick of that stinky RV. I’ve never missed Sur so much. It’s gotten so bad I’m even wondering what Peter and his Everybody Loves Raymond voice are up to. I’m going back to Cali, Cali, Cali. I’m going back to Cali…
Right off the bat we get a fake scene of Katie and Schwartz telling Lisa Vanderpump all about their respective vacays but it’s just a cover for showing off LVP’s dog fashion line (advertising by Bravo). Sigh. And, it gets better. We find out that Katie is having her bridal shower this week. Finally, a wedding event that’s all about Katie (unlike all the other wedding events we’ll have to endure). Double sigh. At least we’ll also get a Kristen comedy show and probably some Ariana scorn (because she takes sketch comedy very seriously).
Sandoval and Ariana confront Lala over ghosting out on the Nascar trip. She sticks to her story that she flaked because she doesn’t want to be around Jax (although she loves them to bits). Sandoval isn’t buying it. Just the day before they left she told them she was looking forward to it. Lala goes on the defensive but Sandoval doubles down. Lala may have alienated her last friends at Sur. And then Scheana jumps in because, bitch. Oh, and “she’s my best friend.” Lala realizes she’s outnumbered and flees. Drama!
Production bought Kristen time on the mainstage at the Improv for her sketch comedy troupe. I’m so excited! The whole crew (minus Sandoval and Ariana) sit in the front row. I wonder how they managed that? Kristen opens the show. Her first joke doesn’t get a single laugh. Then her friends remember to follow their scripts and hilarity ensues. Sure, every once in a while someone forgets they’re on camera and grimaces in pain, but other that that it’s a laugh riot. The comediennes do a sketch about dick pics and the girls notice something familiar. Kristen used a pic of Jax’s dick as her prop! Oops. Even Brittany sees the resemblance. Jason Cauchi’s first instinct is to lie (always) so he assures her it’s not him. But it is, and they all know it. Brittany confronts Kristen about not getting a heads up. Kristen claims it’s too hard to find a dick pic online so was forced to use it. It’s not her fault, guys!
The next day Kristen and Stassi visit Brittany to listen to Jax on Stassi’s podcast. Jax tells Kristen he has a bone to pick with her (I love all of the inadvertent puns this storyline brings). Kristen says using Jax’s D was a last minute choice like that makes a difference. Brittany is actually hurt over the lack of respect, especially since two of the comediennes (Kristen and Rachel) slept with Jax in the past. Stassi, another cast member who slept with Jax, doesn’t like that she’s not involved in the drama. Wasn’t this scene supposed to be about her podcast? Kristen is over the whole thing. She thinks using Jax was funny. I mean, who hasn’t see Jax’s dick at this point? I hate to say it, but I’m with Kristen on this one. It was the best joke in her show.
Moving on, they gossip about Lala. Kristen thinks the only good that can come from having James Kennedy on VPR would be a Lala takedown. Jax is downright giddy at the idea of them tearing into each other. Stassi, still annoyed that she’s not the star of the scene, suggests they sit James down and tell him Lala’s been talking shit about him. Wind him up and watch him go! All’s fair in love and slut shaming.
Speaking of the untouchables, Lala visits James at his posh Hollywood penthouse (ie: crashing in some random guy’s living room). James isn’t drinking and Lala
supports his sobriety like a good friend gives him a hard time about it. He asks about the Nascar trip. She regrets nothing (non, rien de rien). Instead she spent the weekend at the Beverly Hills Hotel. That her mom paid for. He calls her a liar. He’s so ready to turn on her. Pumped and primed. Lala either doesn’t notice or decides to ignore it since he’s all she has left. She invites him to Malibu in a helicopter. He asks her who’s paying for it. She doesn’t understand why everyone keeps counting her coins. As she explains, any semi-good looking girl with tits can get a ride on a private plane. That’s is just how things are done in LA.
Kristen and Stassi ask to see James. Kristen is dreading it but if it means screwing over Lala it’s totally worth it. Bitches. It’s super awkward when he gets there until Kristen blurts out that she “knows for a fact” that Lala does nothing but talk shit about James. James is shocked. And he quickly opens the vault. He shows them a confidentiality agreement Lala’s boyfriend gave him. James claims he never signed it but thinks Sandoval and Ariana did. Now the bitches have new targets. Well played, DJ James Kennedy. This is the first (and probably last) time you’ve impressed me.
Brittany’s mom is visiting from Kentucky. She reminds me of the overly tan lady from There’s Something About Mary. I’m judging her big time based solely on her looks (sorry not sorry). She asks Jax if he’s found a church yet and he hilariously describes Catholic mass like he’s an alien that’s never seen humans before. She’s very religious but she also supports her daughter dating man-slut Jax Taylor. I’d understand if she’d never seen VPR but Brittany told us she’s been a fan of the show since the beginning. Isn’t that special?
The bridesmaids are going all out for Katie’s bridal shower. They rented a mansion, put their lives on hold and bought $200 worth of Taco Bell. Oh, what I wouldn’t give to see Lisa Vanderpump eat a chalupa! The bitches tell Scheana about Lala’s NDA and she audibly gasps. The horror! But she refuses to believe that Sandoval and Ariana signed it. You know, because she’s best friends with Ariana again. Detective Stassi isn’t letting that stop her. She’s determined to ferret out the truth or at least the “truth.”
Brittany’s mom is pressuring Jax to marry her daughter. Ugh. I’m already dreading this spinoff.
Stassi is pissed that groomswoman Ariana is at the bridal shower. “Katie didn’t want you here. She didn’t want you here 0% and you’re here 100%.” Sure, Scheana’s mom is welcome but not Ariana. Bitch.
The men hide out at a Mexican restaurant. Jax won’t stop complaining about Brittany. Schwartz explains that he doesn’t like marriage but he wants Katie to be happy. #TrueLove.
Lisa is flabbergasted that Brittany’s mom wants Jax to marry Brittany. She warns the Kentucky contingent that he’s a dirty dog. They need to get him out of jail in order to get him to church. Amen. Then she whips out her gift for Katie, a sex doll called “Katie Cougar.” Katie points out that Schwartz will love it. The doll looks like a combination of her and LVP.
Stassi tells Katie and Ariana about Lala’s NDA. Ariana denies knowing anything about it. Stassi points out her fidgeting as “proof” that she’s lying. Now she “knows for a fact” that Ariana signed it. Tequila Katie makes a quick appearance and goes in on Ariana for supporting Lala even though she was horrible to Katie. Horrible! To Katie! Ariana stays calm. She hopes if she stays still enough, Katie will forget she’s there. Then suddenly they’re talking about who was worse to who, Kristen or Ariana. I’m confused about how this relates to Lala. Whatever. Just turn off your brain and enjoy the adults acting like children. Ahhhh…
We don’t get a preview for next week. Instead, we get a preview for the rest of the season. The girls have strippers at the bachelorette party. The boys dress in drag. Stassi and Peter make out. Stassi tries to come for Ariana again but Ariana is too cool to care. Katie cries that Ariana is going to be in her wedding. James lies to his girlfriend about being faithful and it blows up in his face. Jax gets roasted. Brittany’s mom asks him about the gay rumors. Katie uses her wedding as leverage against her friends. Tequila Katie rages out. Sandoval calls Schwartz a battered wife. Lisa Vanderpump is forced to get involved. Dun dun dun dun.