It’s been a great first day of 2017 here. I spent my last day of “vacation” making black eyed peas, collard greens and cornbread and stuffing my face. Everything came out great this year, especially the peas. I found fresh shelled ones this year and I’d never seen them in the store in previous years. So I am fat and happy and feeling a bit lazy after so many slothful days. But ready or not, it’s time for a new episode of RHOA and that marks the beginning of my work week. Let’s get to it!
Recently, Cynthia started a fifty day countdown to her fiftieth birthday. On the this episode, Cynthia invites Kandi and Kenya to her breast consultation to shoot a promo for her doctor. Because, free boob job. So this is the scene where Kandi tells the girls her version of events regarding her meeting with Phaedra. Kandi says she let Phaedra have it and told her to stop pretending like she wasn’t talking about marrying her boyfriend the day Apollo leaves for prison. Porsha, Sheree and Phaedra also arrive for Cynthia’s breast consult. This is awkward considering that it hasn’t been 24 hours since Phaedra and Kandi fought. This has to be the most ridiculous scene ever on Bravo. Cynthia asks the doctor to guess which of the housewives have implants. Kenya and Kandi both claim to have natural boobs.
Then Cynthia has everyone play with her breasts. And I mean everyone. The doctor says she still has some time before she needs to swap out her current implants that are almost ten years old. We also saw her breasts except for the blurred nipples.
Sheree is hysterical about Chateau Sheree. Still faking it. The interior designer is drowning in sweat due to the lack of HVAC. This Christmas Sheree posted photos with the family on the steps of Chateau Sheree. It was about 70 degrees on Christmas this year, so she might have overnighted in the monstrosity with no heat but there is still no kitchen appliances like a stove. There is no certificate of occupancy. This sham is getting old. She does appear to get free bedroom furniture from this guy though. So there is that.
Riley’s birthday is approaching and Kandi, Mama Joyce and Ace go shopping for a present. Kandi tells Mama Joyce about her confrontation with Phaedra. Mama Joyce says she is glad she finally aired it all out with Phaedra. Now she knows to leave Kandi the fuck alone.
Kandi and Mama Joyce talk about Riley and her lack of relationship with her father. Kandi hopes the two of them can go to a birthday lunch. And with that, Kandi has completed the infomercial for the store and secured some free jewelry for Riley. Apparently, they scored $5,000 worth of jewelry for Riley.
Next we get a scene of Cynthia talking to Noelle about spending time with Peter. This episode is so boring. Get to the drama.
But first Noelle and Peter meet up to take a yoga class. Noelle makes it clear she would like more contact with Peter. She feels like since the divorce filing he has pulled away. He said he was giving space because he didn’t want to make things difficult between her and her mother. Peter apologizes and says he will make it a point to keep in closer contact.
Porsha and a friend go to get ceramic eggs to shove up their vaginas. Sheree arrives late and claims she can’t participate because it’s her time of the month. Perhaps this is the most ridiculous scene ever in RHOA history. The actual point is to give Sheree an opportunity download Porsha on the gossip about Phaedra and her boyfriends. The random friend whose name I missed if they gave it says that when she was married, Phaedra hit on her husband and made all sorts of inappropriate remarks.
Can we please just get to the showdown? Or Ho Down? I’m dozing off.
The Big Scene
Finally we get to the lunch with Porsha, Sheree and Phaedra. Apparently there will be two this episode though because this one does not match the photo above.
First they tell Phaedra about the vaginal eggs and everyone has good giggle. Sheree is the designated carrier pigeon this season. She fills Phaedra in on the conversation that Phaedra had with Kandi. Yes, that is the way I meant to type that sentence. For whatever reason, production has Sheree recall the list of accusations that Kandi made to Phaedra. Phaedra pretends like she doesn’t have a clue why Kandi would be saying such hateful things about her. OH! That was Shamea talking about Phaedra when she had an egg up her twat! That explains why she was trashing Phaedra Shamea is Kandi’s girlfriend.
Phaedra tells Sheree that Shamea has sex with Kandi and Todd. This is not news to anyone in Atlanta, but Sheree pretends like it is news to her. Maybe it is. Sheree doesn’t pay much attention.
Before the next big dramatic episode. Cynthia takes her mama and Mal and Noelle to see her house. It’s the sixth anniversary of her marriage and she is a bit melancholy.
Finally we get to Porsha, Sheree and Kandi going to lunch. This is so ridiculous. Porsha says this lunch is about her standing up to the bully, Kandi. Why is any of this Porsha or Sheree’s business? Oh yeah, I forgot, they have no storyline. Once again, Sheree is the pigeon carrier. But Porsha starts coming for Kandi saying she has never heard Phaedra say anything about Kandi that was as below the belt as what Kandi said.
Kandi is not having that. She says, “Let me tell you something. I don’t give a fuck! Do you ever tell her that she’s hitting below the belt about me and my family? This bitch went around here and told people that they shouldn’t work with us. That was below the belt. That might not be no husband shit, but that’s money shit and you know I give a fuck about that!”
Porsha tries sticking up for Phaedra, but Kandi is not finished ranting,
“If she had done that to you, you would’ve never been down with that! Had she smashed your ass about different shit a long time ago, you would have been let her have it. This is the only way to really explain to people. When I say, ‘She was full of shit,’ they won’t have to guess what I meant by that. She was full of shit!”
Kandi said she can only hold her tongue so long after all the shit talking Phaedra has been doing and talking shit about her husband. Kandi is done. Kandi says that Porsha knows full well that Phaedra was seeing another guy before Apollo was even locked up. She knows that was true. Porsha says she is not about to say that. Porsha tries to deny that she knew Phaedra was messing around on Apollo. Kandi says Porsha knows she is not going to lie about it and if Porsha keeps asking about it she is going to tell her. Kandi tells us in a talking head that she sent the picture of Phaedra that Phaedra sent to Mr. Chocolate.
Kandi takes her water and leaves. In her talking head Kandi talks about how stupid Porsha is. I suppose that was just in case we didn’t all pick up on that. Sheree in her talking heads starts talking about how dumb Porsha is. It looks like Sheree is going to try to move over to team everyone else and off of team Frick and Frack. Kind of late in the game to do that, but it would have been a wise choice from the start.
Next week: One of Kandi’s employees goes to Phaedra to file a suit against Kandi. Chile, Phaedra hasn’t been in a courtroom since that fake shit with Bob Whitfield (that she lost) ten years ago. Cynthia shows up in Charlotte at Peter’s Club One opening. By the way, my Charlotte spies say that Sports One appears to be closed and that Club One isn’t doing any business. So much smoke and mirrors. Matt shows up at the Club One opening uninvited and angry and hits someone. Possibly Peter.
I wonder what was going on with Kenya this week? Did she take some time off due to the Matt drama or was she working in Vegas on Sharknado 4? I can’t remember when that happened but the episode was bland without her.