Before we start, let’s do a bit of housekeeping. First and foremost, on my last recap I may have insinuated that Kairo’s DUI was storyline. It was not. I’d just forgotten about it. I tend not to cover DUIs of kids who are spawn of reality show folks. Also, Kairo seems to be much like all of Sheree’s kids a great kid. Well, adult now. So I really just didn’t see it. Y’all know I can’t remember shit. But regardless, Kairo made a mistake. Shit happens. His parents dealt with it. That said, Sheree and Bob have no relationship other than to conspire in this fake “Will they or won’t they get back together ? bullshit storyline. It pays the bills. Well some of the bills. It’s a start.
Next, for the past few months I have tried to start trying to take Saturdays and at least the first half of Sundays off. I need to have some down time or I become even less tolerant of the bullshit than I already am. I can’t really take time off (Even if I am under general anesthesia trapped in the middle of nowhere recovering with no Internet so it seems) and I have to check in to moderate people’s ever so important stories about sitting on Santa’s lap posted multiple times or you get all dramatic. You would think, that since I’ve recently being told all of you are just imaginary people in my head and the comments are all me, I’d not have to fuck with moderating comments and getting emails all day about comments not showing up. After the new year, when therapy goes back into low season, I really need to see someone about multiple personality integration. Or at the very least give all of my personalities access to the moderation forum. I just hope I am the surviving personality, some of these people in the WLS seem really miserable.
Also while y’all were out living joyous lives, I FINALLY found out what was going on with Phaedra’s fake divorce. You don’t want to miss that. It confirms what I keep trying to tell y’all. Phaedra is NOT divorced, and things are just now getting started.
Also, I have some Southern Charm Tea. HERE.
Okay, I think I have gotten in the requisite links, that I slyly slipped in upfront tonight in an attempt to earn some money from this site. You know, this site, which is the business I own to make money and buy beer to bring you beer fueled recaps. Evil of me, right? I know, I’m diabolical! So let’s get this done so I can get back to my Hallmark Movie channel Christmas movies. OMG! Dick Van Dyke is being aired in prime time on CBS. I hope some of my personalities are watching that. And that it will be On Demand later.
We start with a fake scene at Phaedra’s fake office with fake paparazzi. Freddy O is one of the best known photographers of minor Atlanta celebrities around. He is there with his Freddy O shirt and four other people standing outside of what is probably the office she pays to let her film there. I’m not saying she doesn’t have an office. She does. It just not been the one we see on TV. Allegedly. So Mama Joyce says.
OMG. We saw Phaedra freaking the fuck out in the car last week. She was calling for her mama and Jesus. Then she put out the story about racial profiling. Why? Because Phaedra is the next savior of black people from the oppressive police. The next Jessie Jackson. The next Al Sharpton. The next black person running to whatever the media is focused on to get attention for themselves that doesn’t do a goddamn thing to help anyone. In fact they make it worse. So Phaedra has people coming asking about Drama literally coming after her making bomb threats and gives this response. Basically, Phaedra is saying she is really close with Drama and he was simply stopping by to drop off some of his new music and she knew he was coming.
So her friend is stopping by with some “bomb music” and she knows about it yet, he ain’t even at her real office, she ain’t even in Atlanta. Phaedra’s lies, people. They stopped making since in 2013. This is without mentioning that Drama is Angela Stanton’s baby daddy from way back when they were all involved with um… Apollo and I’ll be damned if everyone last one of them ain’t done time. Except, Phaedra. She is a fool for making this her storyline crusading against racial profiling. Ain’t no racial profiling happening at all. Neither the law office where he was or the majority of the cops is majority white. You are just drawing fire you do not need right now Phaedra Parks. Sometimes you need to just sit quietly and let shit blow over. You are already on borrowed time here in the land of the free. You are the last one who hasn’t done time, and I doubt Drama or any of the rest of them feel very warmly toward you. But hey, nice try at a cover to head down to the jail and buy him a lawyer and go talk to his mamanem about how you are there to help.
OMG. A board meeting with Phaedra’s babysitters, her mama and some … oh let me just shut up. So ridiculous.
Normally, I am excited by Kenya’s segments, but not this season. I know the Kenya haters think the Matt drama was not true but it was. And all you had to do was see the back and forth Instagram crap between these two where quite frankly both of them needed a time out. And then I had my own emails from Matt that were illiterate and childish. I feel like I am about to relive all of that.
Cynthia meets up with Kenya at Moore Manor, which is done and looks fabulous. To talk about Matt. Which is irrelevant and about Wendy Williams interview with Peter, which I recapped here. Wendy finally got herself on RHOA so now she is talking about it again. I see you Wendy Williams.
Kandi and Todd are struggling with getting the OLG restaurant up to speed within all of the limitations that are placed on such things. I heard they had a contractor that was not paying the subcontractors and all sorts of issues that are somewhat typical when opening a restaurant.
Porsha is buying a house. She blames Kordell for all of her credit issues. Actually her credit issues were only helped by Kordell.
Porsha forgot to tell her family to pretend like they know her “ex boyfriend Todd Stewart.”
Not only does Mama Joyce get her own header here, she needs her own damn peach. Mama Joyce is slipping into the offices of Kessler & Solomiany all incognito and shit. I am dying. Of course Randy Kessler is more than happy to film this scene. She seeks information about why the hell it is taking Phaedra so long to get a divorce from her incarcerated husband. You see, Mama Joyce knows all about Phaedra and Kandi and their issues. And she just told us in her confessional that when is comes to Phaedra, she would not “piss in her mouth if her guts were on fire.” Oh my. I feel the need to remind any stragglers. THIS SITE IS NOT A REGISTERED SAFE PLACE AND YOU MAY HEAR THINGS YOU DO NOT LIKE OR AGREE WITH WHICH MAY TRIGGER YOU.
I can’t stop laughing. Mama Joyce for the win. Randy is also kind of adorable as he tries to maintain his dignified attorney persona through this scene that I just watched TWICE. Randy says if both parties agree they can be divorced in 30 days in Georgia, which is the same for couples where one is not an incarcerated Felon By Bravo. This whole scene is ridiculous, and yet ever so delicious at the same time.
Alongside this scene, we have Phaedra’s spin on the divorce. Where she forgets the whole filing for divorce under names that were not their legal names in an attempt to keep the proceedings private, which nullified everything and now we are starting anew with Apollo as the petitioner. But go one, Phaedra, I love listening to you spin your tall tales. I am sure the casual viewers will believe this horseshit.
Mama Joyce says, ” I am educated in the streets and it ain’t from walking them.” GIVE.THIS.LADY.A.PEACH.
It’s time for OLG Restaurant tasting. I WANT TO BE THERE FOR THAT. Dayum. And it is an all cast. And Mama Joyce. My God this woman is giving me life. She is so happy to know Phaedra is coming so she can offer her some free legal advice. I love this woman. Then she asks if anyone got the guy that was trying to blow her up. The OLG ladies really put turkey in their greens? I mean that is fine and all if there is fatback up in there, but otherwise it’s just the “healthy alternative” to the real thing.
Sheree arrives fresh from a duck hunt. Or so the her wardrobe says. Kenya arrives looking fabulous and in her talking heads tries way too hard to pretend like she knows anything about Atlanta and southern food. Next is Porsha, in something that can only be described as a white um…lingerie pantsuit and a tank top. I think she may have missed a waxing appointment, if you know what I mean.
Sheree goes straight for Mama Joyce, who is the new start in my book trying to suck up. She tries to tattle on Kenya about her comments about Sheree wearing a wig exactly like Mama Joyce. I SWEAR I could not tell if it was Sheree or Mama Joyce but y’all all know I have no facial recognition skills. See this debacle from earlier today. It was not a dig at Mama Joyce at all. There was playful banter between Mama Joyce and Kenya. Then Cynthia’s call time comes and she is wearing that huge fun kinky, crazy wig of hers I love so much. In July, though. Sofa King hot. With a black leather jacket. In July. Why?
The last call time is of course for Phaedra. And while all the other bitches had the opportunity to eat, if that is something they do, Phaedra is immediately hustled off into a backroom by Mama Joyce while Kandi pretends she knows nothing about this. Or maybe she doesn’t because she immediately goes to fetch her mama. And why are they having this tasting in a liquor store? I must have been typing when they showed where they were. So now, Kandi is gonna try to stop a train. Girl…. just go eat your fried chicken before it gets cold. Mama Joyce got this. But no, Kandi interrupted things for now. So back to the feedbags we go.
Phaedra wants to tell the bombing story and Mama Joyce says that he (Drama) wanted to blow her the fuck up, quite a few times. Not as many as Phaedra has talked about “homeland security” talking to her this episode, but she says it a lot. Then she goes on to Black Lives Matter… And I’m just about to lose my dayum mind knowing what I know when Kandi pops up in confessional and says
“Please don’t bring up the Black Lives Matter movement right now when I know your ass just had a body guard and you were scared. You told my friend that you needed to bring a body guard (to filming) because of all the stuff that was going on. You be faking…”
Thank you BABY JESUS. This is all the shit that I was saying about all this from the beginning of this article and I could hear the idiot Phaedra fans going off as I typed it. THANK YOU, Kandi for saying what needed to be said. Kandi moves on to dessert, where the Reddi-Wip can that the um, chef is using on the bananas foster is blurred. Sorry about your luck Reddi-Wip. And there are tons of cakes.
Sheree needed a line, so the producers fed her one. I was, “So Kandi, what’s going on with Block?” Which was all boring until Sheree finally makes herself useful and turns to the THOT and says, “So when you were dating him, did he ever talk about Riley?”
Hypothetically, if you were done with RHOA and wanted to get the fuck out of town and move to LA eventually, you’d divorce your man while you could still do it for free if you could get it on your reality show. This whole episode is competing Atlanta divorce attorneys taking on housewives as clients for the publicity. Cynthia’s pony of choice is Daniel R. Meachum. You are welcome, Mr. Meachum. Please drop a coin in my tip jar, bottom right. Counselor Meachum has a lovely office. Which is actually his one presumes. Meachum says there is no reason to go to court if they go through mediation and all parties agree within 45- 65 days. As much as Cynthia wants this, she is still sad.
I hate this shit. I really do. Side note, they are handing out those whiter Range Rover rentals like crazy this season. Everyone knows Kenya drives a Bentley.
Next we get Kenya crying over a little boy who is so beneath her to Cynthia. She took the garage remote out of his white Range Rover by Bravo and so when he showed up he busted out the windows of her garage. Cynthia says the boy needs to go home to his mama he’s acting like a child. Then she asked if she is afraid of him. Let me answer that one honestly, for Kenya since she doesn’t want to say it on camera. If you are a single woman, living alone, with two tiny handbag dogs and a security camera as your only protection and a grown man shows up drunk and breaking shit, YES, CYNTHIA she is afraid of him. But Kenya tries to say she doesn’t think he would do anything to her. Classic abused woman denial. I’m pretty sure driving up to your garage and getting violent is a threat. To you. Stop living in denial. This kid ain’t right. Cynthia tells her to take some time away from him.
And then Kenya goes to talk to the producer, Joye. She’s making excused for him and blaming herself. I’m going to need a minute.
As I collect myself, my first thought is, Andy Cohen is going to continue to emotionally damage Kenya about this every time she is on WWHL and I really hope that she can get out of the obligation of having to do that show anymore because I swear to GOD I will lose my mind if Andy doesn’t lighten up on her at some Goddamn point. Her agent needs to get her WWHL mandatory appearances out of her contract. I know she thinks she can handle Andy just fine, but he just makes everything worse.
Seeing Kenya sitting there on national TV, no make up, hair clip in her hair. Just a normal girl, crying her eyes out, breaks my heart.
My TV has been on pause for about half an hour or more now. I know I try to get this shit up fast. But. This is horrible to witness. I am grateful that they showed production for a change because there will be a lot of idiots saying this is “Kenya’s fake boyfriend.” You will not be saying that on my site or you will be gone. I’ve gotten bullshit email from this functionally illiterate asshole, Matt, as I am “that blogger that likes Kenya” as if there is only one of us. This is some sad bullshit right here.
Let me finish out this recap.
Matt calls begging for his millionth second chance. Kenya says it’s not something they should talk about right now because the crew (production) is there. She wants him to come over though. I may need another moment.
This time, as I once again pause on Kenya’s bowed head I think, “Wow, her hair really is shiny, maybe I need me some of that Moore Hair Care!” Which makes me laugh. Send me some product, Kenya you can ask Sheree for my address!
Thirty minutes later, Matt arrives. Where the fuck was he staying because contrary to the story he likes to tell he was there the whole time. Did Bravo get him a six month stay at Extended Stay America?
Ah, I remember this in real time. Matt posted about this. He said that he pulled up to the house and was told there was no camera there. He went on of a deleted Instagram rant. I just tried to pull up a post about it and I don’t see anything from July. But it was in JUNE that they broke up because he went bat shit crazy on her in Mexico. Busted the goddamn door down to her hotel room and scared the fuck out of her. That was on one of the many trips she took him on. Then he filmed a bunch of shit with her and then for the first time got on Instagram saying he rode up on Kenya thinking there would be no cameras there so they could talk. Production did her a favor showing where she said, “the crew is here” and he said, “do you want me to come over.” Fuck you in the ass with razorblades and no lube Matt Jordan.
Because now he is talking to her in her driveway all pissed off because production didn’t leave. Like they are going to leave with her sobbing and his nasty ass on the way over after begging for another chance. They are there to film the make up. But DIPSHIT is now going to go off on Kenya again. Oh Please. Matt, you were not done with RHOA. You have posted way too many times on IG about how you love being “a star” and being on TV. I don’t know WTF you think you were going to do in California but any time I have paid attention to you, you were in Syracuse throwing your Goddamn sorry self a fucking pity party. You are a piece of shit that had your fifteen minutes now run off with your allegedly transgender fill in for Kenya Moore and shut the fuck up. Why are you in Atlanta instead of California unless you want to be on the show you dumb stupid ass boy?
Kenya says she has had his back every time, she doesn’t call the police, she doesn’t make reports, why? Because
she is used to being abused if she wanted to bury him she could and he fucking knows it.
Kenya points out that Matt has her looking like a crazy person. That is basically what I said last week about this shit. I am glad she fucking sees that. This is some ridiculous bullshit and this boy has GOT TO GO. Matt, the abusive piece of shit starts with the whole, “You make me do stupid shit like kick in your windows. It’s your fault I do this shit.”
I want to throw up now.
Matt says that Kenya is “manipulative and fundamentally deceptive.” THEN HIT THE ROAD YOU SORRY ASS PIECE OF SHIT. EAT SHIT AND DIE IN A FIRE.
Oh wait. Here we have some duplicitous editing. Suddenly, Kenya is getting her luggage out of this shithead’s car. This probably happened right when they got back from Mexico. BEFORE the whole family reunion shit. Otherwise, why does she have luggage in his car? I’m confused.
Next Week: Kairo has a photoshot, and Porsha’s fake boyfriend acts like he might donate some sperm for 15 minutes of fame. Kenya’s Daddy shows up to deal with Matt. Check out THAT real time link.