I had completely forgotten last week’s episode until they reminded us. I now understand why they spend the first twenty minutes reminding us all what happened on the previous episode. It’s all so vapid these days there is nothing very memorable to recall.
Tonight we get a candle party from Meghan and her husband the totally not gay, former professional athlete. Tamra and Vicki are absolutely horrible when it comes to having someone’s ultrasound thrust upon you at an event. I get it. No one wants to see anyone’s ultrasound. This is why a practiced response is necessary. Mine goes something like this, “Oh how wow! make active effort to form some sort of face that projects positivity What a very exciting time for you! You must be so busy getting ready for the little one! Congrats! So great to see you! I gonna head to the bar!” Tamra comparing the blog to a gerbil is not a good response. Nor was both of them saying, “Wait, there is only one? The other one died?”
I are those pink neoprene straps to nowhere on Vicki’s dress? My eyes can’t really process what is happening there. While I am trying to focus my vision, Heather starts telling everyone she is leaving because there are too many smells in the candle shop. That is as good of an excuse as any I suppose. Gottta run! Allergies! So Sorry! Enjoy the party!
The big ta-do that scripted for this party is that Shannon is going to confront Vicki because she is pissed that she didn’t acknowledge her reaching out to her after the accident. Because Vicki really should have taken the time to text her to thank her for leaving a voicemail asking for a call back. I do not understand the rules of this species. When I call someone who has experienced a trauma and reach out to let them know I care, I don’t bumrush them the next time I see them in public and demand an apology or an explanation about why I haven’t heard from them. I just assume they were dealing with an injury and feeling traumatized and had better things to do than appease me. And then there is Shannon.
Shannon follows through with her threat to “confront Vicki” by saying that she reached out but that Vicki doesn’t owe her an apology. Clearly, Shannon thinks Vicki needs to apologize for not returning her call. They exchange long stares like spouses in divorce court and Vicki tells Shannon that their friendship is “messed up” and she is “not going through this tonight.” AND SCENE.
Oh but not really. Shannon says,” I’m not going to get into what you’ve been saying about my husband!” Oh Shannon, it can’t be nearly as bad as what you say about him on TV every week. Vicki says, “In my opinion, he’s a piece of shit.” Shannon says that David only said bad things to Vicki because she provoked him. Vicki says Shannon wasn’t there and he’s lying to her. Again. Shannon says that Vicki has lied too. Vicki says so has Shannon. In a confessional, Vicki says she has some things that Shannon told her about David in confidence when they were friends and she is thinking about unveiling them. Oh Vicki. You are your own worst enemy. Vicki and Shannon both look very sedated in this interview as if production has provided some sort of Xanax cow lick for the cast in a VIP section somewhere. Shannon can barely muster enough emotion to storm out of the scene. Vicki hungry and tells everyone she’s going to dinner. Kelly, who I suppose has been busying herself at the open bar whiningly reminds Vicki that she is the dinner scene with her! We don’t get that dinner scene.
Production goes all Shonda Rimes on us with a flash back to a happier scene when Tamra and Vicki a week ago when these two were laughing it up and dropping nipple covers in the middle of stores while shopping for a dresses for Heather’s book launch party. Vicki says that she has not been bringing men around the ladies because she doesn’t want them doing background checks and meddling. Vicki says she never butts into their relationship. We get a flashback of Vicki butting into everyone’s relationship in the ten year history of the show. Then Tamra notices a hickey on Vicki’s boob in the dressing room. I suppose we needed one last cute scene with these two and that was it.
Insert requisite scene of Shannon emasculating and whining to David in front of her children here.
Insert scene where Kelly and Michael discuss their marriage and their drinking problems on the beach here.
Insert scene where Meghan can’t cook anything and Jim is indifferent about the baby here.
Insert Vicki’s extremely offensive commercial for the “cancer charity” that is really an insurance pitch here.
Heather goes to Shannon’s house in Corona del Mar. She still doesn’t have any furniture. I used to have a friend that lived in Corona del Mar who has since moved (further north in California I think). I will miss visiting her. It was an adorable town and she lived in walking distance of everything including are really awesome bar/restaurant that was very upper class and at the same time really local regular joint at the same time.
Anyway, Shannon tells Heather that Vicki is threatening to tell some secret about her. Shannon says she has known secrets. Heather tells us in confessional that Kelly already knows what they are and that they are confirmed. Shannon is mad at Vicki and at Tamra. Tamra’s sin is pointing out that Shannon clearly has unresolved issues with Vicki. Because one of Shannon’s buttons is when people tell her the truth. Then Heather tells Shannon that she does have unresolved issues. Shannon denies this again and says she was actually just “being the bigger person.” Because, delusional.
Heather’s Book Party
Vicki introduces Steve to the other ladies. Tamra tells us that Steve checked out fine on her background check. Tamra clearly didn’t dig as deeply as the Internet did. Jim drove in from the desert to surprise Meghan at the book party. She thought he was staying in Palm Beach.
Vicki talks to Heather McDonald who is friends with Heather and the only person with a podcast I ever even try to listen to. I’ve been trying to get through her crazy sister story when I clean the kitchen. Clearly, that doesn’t happen much. She’s about 20 episodes ahead of me.
Shannon is on a quest to keep people from telling her she has unresolved issues with Vicki so she is pretending to be all kinds of okay with her by making small talk about shrimp. Then Tamra tries to show Shannon the hickey on her boob. Vicki recently got a Maserati.
I almost didn’t even notice Meghan’s dropping of the all cast trip. The pretense is that because she is pregnant, she and Jim have discovered they are Irish so they want to go to Ireland. Somehow Heather makes the announcement to the other ladies as if it is all her idea.
Kelly and Michael are in a bad place still. Kelly says Michael is an alcoholic. Michael is drunk and flirting obnoxiously. Kelly is acting like she is not usually the drunk and obnoxious one. I think this is the first time we’ve ever seen Kelly sober at a function. So hypocritical. Kelly is embarrassed because he is drunk and obnoxious.
Next week: It’s time for the cast trip to Dublin. We begin with Tamra and Kelly having drunken arguments over who is saying worse things about the other one’s daughter.