Real Housewives of Melbourne Reunion: Bogan On Steroids!

Oh dear...

Oh dear…

Sorry for being so late with this reunion of Real Housewives of Melbourne. There has been a lot going on lately. This is going to be a long drawn out bitchfest with screaming women throwing both middle fingers and pillows at each other. It should be the most.dramatic.reunion. Ever.

First of all we saw all of the ladies except Pettifleur without makeup or very early in the process and they all looked so much prettier without it. They are not doing themselves any favors caking all that crap on. I actually think Jackie may be the prettiest with no makeup.  The dresses however are ridiculous.  My girl Lydia has her lady garden hanging out of whatever monstrosity she is wearing.  Aren’t they told not to wear white to the reunion down under? I am going to give best dressed to Pettifleur for her head to toe look. Worst dressed? Probably my Lydiot but Chyka makes the choice quite difficult. What is that on Gamble’s head? A Kim Zolciak wig circa 2010?

Dear God, I had forgotten that Alex Perry is more annoying than Andy Cohen. The sunglasses on his bald head with the razor stubble look like Mickey Mouse ears.  He’s horrid.

We start on a sweet note with Gamble’s wedding. Until it gets to Gina’s disappearance to go watch herself on Celebrity Apprentice. There was a super long montage of Gina’s narcissism. Gina doesn’t think she has any diva tendencies. Gina blames editing for it seeming like she had a viewing party the night before the wedding. Janet points out that Lydia is the dumbest person she knows. She blew Gina’s cover while they were both wearing microphones.  Gamble says she knew she was going to watch the show, but Gina could have at least properly excused herself. Somehow, Gina thinks she is owed an apology. Gamble tells Petti to shut up and Alex tells someone else to shut up. It seems that Gamble can’t stand Petti and Gina is kind of over Gamble.



I spent quite a bit of time picking the Annie’s cheddar bunnies out of the pretzels during Susie’s part.

I think we somehow moved on to Lydia during Susie’s montage. If she was asked anything I missed it. Apparently, Susie says that Lydia promised to be on her side when she came on the show and then tried to freeze her out and pretend that she didn’t know her. Lydia blames Susie for everyone coming for her this season.

It’s time for the “Lydia is horrible to her housekeeper” segment. I can’t believe people take this stuff serious. Apparently, Joanna worked for Susie prior to working for Lydia. I think Lydia is way more fun than Susie. Plus Susie would really mess up the kitchen.  Next we talk about all the gossiping the girls have done about Lydia and the athlete. All of these women seem jealous. Susie says that Shane is not friends with Lydia anymore. That seems important to Susie. The charity apparently went tits up as we say in these parts.  Probably because Lydia was no longer around.

These longass montages are such a waste of time. We get it Petti is happy with her body. She says she is 51 years old and she worked hard for her body and she is happy with it. I agree. I think Gamble’s transgender comments were horrible as well as her pretending she doesn’t have new injections of some sort in he cheeks.  I have to side with Petti on this one.  Petti claims that she has never done anything cosmetic to her face. She also swears she has never been drunk in her life. Janet, who has some sort of creepy anger that has been simmering the entire episode takes a pillow from her sofa and jettisons it at Petti! Really Janet? Petti stands up and hurls it back at her. Gamble says that Petti has probably had a tummy tuck because her belly button is so high. Petti says she has had three Cesareans. Wait she has three kids?  IDGI.  Jackie of all people turns the topic to a more suitable one and that is all of the mean things Petti says about others to make herself feel superior.  Now that part, I’m team everyone else.  I do think the ladies are a lot meaner to Petti than she is to them. That is mostly because they all gang up on her at once and she usually defends herself one on one.

After the break there is a whole new montage about Pettifleur that I skipped through. Apparently Gamble and Petti are on the outs in real time because Petti has a website that she blogs on about the show and Gamble is pissed about it. Too bad, Gamble. You are on a reality TV show. Petti has just as much right to blog her opinion as anyone else. More actually because she is on the show as well.

Dear God, this is the THIRD MONTAGE on Pettifleur! Do they really have nothing else to discuss? This one ends with Petti calling Jackie “Bogan on steroids.” Seriously? We learned the word bogan watching this show so that we would know how to explain why Jackie was not like the rest of these bitches. When the US adds the word bogan to the dictionary we will put Jackie’s picture next to the definition to illustrate the concept.  At the end of the montage, Gina says that Jackie was “looking a bit bogan there.”  The guy in the Minnie Mouse ears asks Petti if she regrets saying that. Petti replies that she’s pretty sure the entire country feels that way.

Janet just randomly and rabidly jumps in and insults people. Is she drunk?

It’s time to end with Lydia, I suppose. Oh lord. They are not going to air any of the horrible rumors that Lydia is allegedly spreading for legal reasons. It sounds like Chyka’s attorneys have kept them from saying the things she is allegedly saying about her family.  Lydia doesn’t understand why she is being blamed for all the rumors. She admits repeating them to the other women. I live a 24 hour flight away and I have probably heard every single one of these rumors. I do not understand why this is Lydia’s fault. The rumors that I am aware of about Chyka, her husband and her children are in my opinion coming from conclusions that people are making from watching the show.

Janet who is pissed about some rumor about her, was it the sex party rumor? Cause I believe that one and her hostility makes it seem even more truthful.  She screams at Lydia and calls her a dumb fat bitch. Janet has to be either on something are drunk. She has been aggressive and rude in a way unlike her normal state the entire show. Lydia says she was very upset and remorseful about saying things that have hurt Chyka.

Chyka says that her friends and clients have been telling her for years that Lydia has said terrible things about her family. Lydia says she loves Chyka and has no reason to wish her or her business any harm. Chyka and Lydia are moving forward to mend their friendship of many years.

This doesn’t sit well with Janet. Because she just went off on Lydia like a lunatic and now that Chyka has behaved like a lady, she looks like the out of control mess she is. She also tries to drag Jackie under the bogan bus with her.

Yet another montage showing that Jackie is the one perpetuating all of the crap about Lydia’s gossiping. She’s gone to every woman on the show and said that Lydia is spreading gossip about them.  She tells all the women what all the gossip Lydia is supposedly saying is. This is gossiping. This is exactly what she says she never does from her moral high ground where she lives in her spirit world with the voices that talk inside her head.

Jackie blames dragging all the rumors out into the public view on Lydia saying she had bad energy.  I can feel Jackie’s bad energy through the screen. She has it and Janet has it. It’s quite obvious.  Petti jumps in to say that Jackie is repeating everything they talked about as friends to everyone now that she is on the outs with Lydia. I have to say Petti makes some good points when she isn’t insulting everyone around her.

Lydia says that Jackie was the one who made the allegations about Chyka’s husband. At least that is what we are supposed to believe through all the bleeping. I find it ridiculous that the Melbourne clan refuses to out right discuss all the Internet gossip questioning Bruce’s sexual preferences when here in the US  Andy brings in the husbands of all the real housewives ands asks them if they are gay every season. There has been wild speculation about all of them at some time or another. This season, since we are low on men to accuse, it seems that Kandi Burruss will likely be grilled at the reunion about her sexual preferences. Why Chyka is acting like this is some big secret and legally blocking the show from discussing it is ridiculous.

Jackie is now crying because she used to really like Lydia and …. well things are looking bad for her right now so she has to dig herself out of the hole somehow. Lydia seizes on the opportunity to hug things out with Jackie while she is still in shock she is coming across as the biggest idiot of them all.

Okay NOW you can all jump in and tell us that Chyka is leaving the franchise forever. I don’t see this. She seemed to be fine with everyone and them most unbothered by everything.

So fill us in on all the nonsense going on since the reunion filmed, Aussies.


Filed under Entertainment News, Real Housewives of Melbourne

18 responses to “Real Housewives of Melbourne Reunion: Bogan On Steroids!

  1. TheArtistFormerlyKnownAsYoya

    Jackie really does have bad energy, as does Janet. But I thought the sex party rumours were about Gamble?

  2. MsRufusTheRagdoll

    No fourth season of Melbourne – instead Season 1 of RHO Sydney. Melbourne on indefinite hiatus. Chyka won’t have he family discussed publically to protect them & her business – with so much cash from the Middle East any gossip about Bruce beng gay would not help, apparently is the reason for the legal gag. Also the couple vehemently deny it. TT, we are still waiting for marriage equality here so Alex Perry – who is married to a women but has lots of speculation about his sexuality – is not going to ask those questions on television.

  3. Jrleaguer

    I don’t blame Chyka one bit. Someone can say what they please about me, but go after my family, I will rip someone’s head off and spit down their neck.
    Chyka has a true international brand to protect and with a majority being done in the UAE rumors of that nature could do a great deal of harm to their business.

  4. Geez, I don’t blame Chyka at all. I, in fact, admire the heck out of her for knowing when enough is enough.
    I agree Janet was like another person at that reunion. I kept being surprised by her.

    I didn’t mind the host, Alex, I thought he was kind of cute and funny. I loved it when HE got up to walk out on the reunion.

    I hope they come back. Even Jackie, who annoys me to death. I like the ladies from down under.

  5. Wow. Those clothes. It’s like Dynasty on steroids.

    Lydia was a cross between strumpet, French maid and bride. Jackie looked like she was going to go olympics ice skating. The rest were retro 1980. Crazy!

  6. Kelliec

    Chyka said on her website she won’t be returning if a season 4 is ordered (side note – all originally signed for only 3 seasons). The REAL drama is the Auckland franchise airing now and the racial slur that led to advertisements pulled and a NZ boycott of the show. The new Sydney ladies are throwing shade at the Melbourne crew and there is a lot of speculation this will be more down and dirty with the very rich ladies of Sydney. Janet has a new boyfriend and Jackie is trying to try her luck at interviewing celebs, promoting La Mascara (think SkinnyGirl but not as sickening) and making her US debut. Gina is looking at another gig as celebrity judge Judy for Oz and Chyka is styling herself as the downunder version of Martha Stewart. If there is a season 4 there will be a major cast shake up I predict.

    • tamaratattles

      Thanks. Please don’t spoil us on Auckland! I have the first six recaps in special folder and haven’t dared to peek. I’m hoping we get the show!

    • Wonky Tonk

      Thanks for your take as an update on the ladies. I can really see Chyka doing well as the downunder version of Martha Stewart. I think, if she goes that route, she’ll be a kajillionaire before long.

      Gina as a Judge Judy would be kind of interesting especially if she’s as hard as Judge Judy is on the bench. And Judge Judy rules daytime in the states so financially if it works out it’s not a bad move.

      Jackie is a bit of a mess I can’t see her in an interviewing career. I see her popularity fading quickly if they take the Melbourne franchise off the air.

      Janet – Blah, really who cares. The best thing about Janet is that “everybody” arm twirl she did either last season or the first. That was one of my favorite Melbourne scenes, other than that she’s generally been fairly unlikable not unlike Lydia.

      I can see Gamble as a happy housewife with a genuinely nice husband who loves her, and that will probably be more than enough for her.

  7. I’m a little confused. When the season started here (but had already aired down under) didn’t the Australians say we’d hate Chyka this season? Or am I remembering wrong?

  8. tamaratattles

    No I think they thought I’d stop sticking up for Lydiot.They completely underestimated how many things I can overlook when a woman and her husband take a private plane just to go buy some cheese. It’s truly the best thing that ever happened on reality TV in my lifetime. What’s a little indentured servitude and fucking around on your husband compared to that?

    • Wonky Tonk

      Wow, that cheese buying excursion was actually probably when I really started disliking Lydia. I mean I disliked her before, but really dove into it after that excursion. I’m not even sure I can explain why except to say it was so freakin excessive.

      The thing about Lydia is that everything about her is calculated, nothing, or very little is real, and she’s willing to do shit that I find abhorrent. Like the way she treats the dog, it’s completely fake, and the fact she actually expected the dog to sit upright, and still for the length of time it takes to do a portrait is ridiculous. I half expected her to start yelling at the dog to sit still.

  9. I’ve been a sneaky sneak and watching the Auckland housewives here in the US online. So far I like it! Can’t wait for Sydney!

    • TheArtistFormerlyKnownAsYoya

      Me too Victoria. It’s great, isn’t it? I really disliked Gilda and Michelle at first. I think Julia is absolutely nuts, in a Kelly Bensimon kind of way. Anne is like the New Zealand Lisa Vanderpump. Anne and Louise are my favorites. And I’m sorry but Angela WOULD be a plus size model! She is gorgeous but that was a perfectly natural assumption.

      • I totally agree, especially about Anne. Gilda…I can’t figure her out. She almost has the attitude that she’s above all the drama and BS, which can be a good thing with shows like this.

  10. Jack

    Sydney should hit Australian television in February next year, they are filming right now! Foxtel have said that another season of Melbourne is to follow, but have a feeling they will change the cast up a little with Chyka’s departure (hopefully Susie is one and done).

    If you haven’t had a peek at the Sydney Housewives cast yet, do so. Set to be very interesting!

    • Wonky Tonk

      Why? I kind of like Susie, and the way she interacts with her sons. Lydia, or Janet, or even shrill Jackie I would be ok with. While I dislike the way they act on the show Lydia, and Janet at least add to the show even if it’s in the capacity of having someone to yell at screen at during the show. Jackie, I mean, what does she even bring to the party besides a kind of creepy husband?

      You know what I think would be hilarious? If they demoted Lydia to friend of housewife and promoted her maid to a housewife. I would laugh, and laugh, and tune in every s.i.n.g.l.e e.p.i.s.o.d.e!

  11. RENOB

    Not a fan of this show, I cannot stand all the makeup and ridiculousness! LydIER and CheeKER, are two words I no longer ever want to hear. Peti is the most annoying narcissist, it is disgusting.

    • Wonky Tonk

      Yeah first season a lot of us around here were kind of getting a kick out of the way they were saying Giner instead of Gina. Those wacky Australians. Couldn’t agree more with you about Peti she loves herself something fierce. Definitely to the point of it being self-defeating in her personal relationships, but as TT has pointed out she generally has some pretty decent insights, just for me not enough to care all that much if she’s around for the next season. In fact I kind of hope she’s not.

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