Real Housewives of Melbourne: It’s On Like Donkey Kong!



I finally have a moment to check in on my girl Lydia just in time to watch her total destruction.  This happened a few seasons ago when she got on the wrong side of Gina (and at that time the wrong side of me as well) but Gina is at least a bit controversial. Chyka is the sane, likeable one and she will have a very hard time recovering from this, if she does at all.  Once again, please do not post spoilers about the outcome of the cast for next season. I don’t want to know until after the reunion, which appears to be EPIC.


Petti says that things with Lydia have taken a tumble so it is important that he relationship with her sister, Gillian is great. Translation, since Lydia is pissed off at me again, I have no one left to film with, so I have to try to be nice to my sister.  It’s just as awkward as the last meeting. And all I can pay attention to is Petti’s purple lipstick. Where does one even purchase such a thing? Do they even have Claire’s in Australia? Petti says that maybe she needs a wake up call about how she treats people. You think?  I don’t believe her.


Lydia’s mother’s birthday party looks very pretty. All of the women are invited. So are a couple of actual donkeys. Like real, live, four-legged, donkeys.  Gina, Gamble and Pettifleur are in attendance. They do not let an older woman’s birthday celebration keep them from coming for Lydia.  I am sure Lydia has gossiped about all the other ladies.  Just like they all have.



Jackie goes to lunch with Janet. Jackie immediately starts gossiping about  Susie’s reading. Then the conversation moves on to Jackie’s attempt to get pregnant. It would seem like Jackie’s spirits would have told her about her kid. Jackie is going to start shit at the all cast filming on the waterfront. Janet trashes Lydia as well. Basically all they do is gossip about each other, it’s what they get paid for.

It’s time for the requisite psychic reading, which has become an integral part of all the housewives shows. On this franchise one of the housewives actually plays the part of the psychic.  Susie, the most gullible person on the show, is the mark.  Jackie intermittently screams at Susie to write down what she is saying. Susie cries as her grandparents give her random relationship advice. Jackie tells her she will marry a nice Jewish man from America. Oy vey.


I’m bored with Gina, her useless assistant Josh and her fragrance line. Why is she everyone’s favorite again? She seems to have gotten a very big head this season. Did you know she was on Celebrity Apprentice?  I do love her hair in this scene.

Gina throws a perfume launch and Gamble teases Petti about how she likes fighting with her. Petti has on an even weirder shade of lipstick. It’s kind of a corpse blue. It’s so ridiculous I can’t pay attention. I think the point of the scene is that Gamble is willing to film with Petti again.  Oh and Susie is there. Just, like, there. Basically, Petti has an in with Gamble to get in with the majority who are against Lydia.

RHOMEL Gina Pettifleur
Lydia arrives with a corpse blue handbag and points out it matches Petti’s lips perfectly. Shade. Petti says “Bitch stole my look” because Lydia has her hair in a top knot. I guess I stole it too because I just finished my best attempt at floor mopping with my hair up as well.  Petti’s bun is usually rather extraordinary but on this occasion, Lydia’s is better. In her confessional Lydia says, “Really Pettifleur? Stop wanking over yourself?”  I thought wanking was fucking but apparently it’s jacking off? Can I get a ruling from my Aussie friends?

Did Chyka, Jackie and whoever else is missing from the cast of thousands really opt out of Gina’s big night? Gina’s perfume launch was very Gina. She gave a long speech where she thanked everyone in the room by name. Except poor Josh. She even thanked Lydia? Lydia asks Petti if she had some sort of lollipop before coming. Gina says that Josh thought perhaps she was sucking on a Smurf. Perhaps Smurf Sex? These women are quite brutal with Petti, but someone has to tell her how ridiculous she looks I suppose. This leads to a brief discussion of sex toys.


Chyka is going to confront Lydia prior to the all in event at the waterfront. Both Chyka and Lydia seem to be going in with a good attitude and reconciliation seems possible. At least at this point. Lydia blames all the drama on Jackie. I must say Jackie surely does fan the flames at the very least.

When Chyka and Lydia talk, Lydia still denies everything. Lydia says that her relationship with Chyka has changed since Chyka became chummy with Jackie.  Lydia says that Jackie is always talking crap about her. Lydia says something along the lines of “I’m sorry you feel that way.” In other words, the non-apology apology. These two decide to “move forward” and in the future come to each other with gossip before things get worse.

RHOMel Gina Drag

The ladies talk at the dinner table about their favorite sexual positions while waiting for the détente between Chyka and Lydia to end.  I should point out the flowers are amazing.  As soon as everyone is together, Jackie, pot stirrer extraordinaire, asks Chyka in front of everyone if anything was said about her. Because her psychic vibes are alerting her that things were indeed said.  It’s her psychic vibes you see, not her guilt and worry that the truth about her is coming out. Chyka tells Jackie to work out her own issues with Lydia. And it’s going to happen right now. Gamble’s hair looks fantastic. And her faces when Jackie and Lydia start their verbal tussling are the best part of the episode. I hope someone screen grabbed that.  Jackie in her confession wants us to know she has the strongest morals known to man. Which is hilarious. And she is on a spiritual path.  Back to the dinner table where the one on the moral high horse is screaming across a dinner table jabbing her finger in the air in the general direction of Lydia calling her a liar.

Lydia points out that Jackie constantly needs to tell everyone that she is a truthful person who doesn’t lie.  That is the biggest tell of a liar.  Jackie continues to scream obscenities at Lydia. Chyka says nothing but seems to be enjoying Jackie’s attacks. Jackie goes around the table pointing at everyone with some rumor that supposedly came from Lydia. She does not say the rumors about Chyka’s family on film. Jackie says Lydia tries to “crack on” which apparently means hit on everyone’s husbands. I could see her flirting with them sure, but the Jackie says Lydia has hit on her troll husband. Now that I do not believe. In the process of screaming all the nastiness that Lydia has supposedly said about everyone, she manages to insult Gamble’s husband by calling him an old man. Twice. Leave Rick out of this you bitch, he’s the best househusband across all franchises!  Gamble says to Jackie, ” I think the only person who wants to fuck your husband, is you!”  Spot on, Gamble. Spot on.

Jackie continues to scream. She says Susie was right with all of her claims about Lydia in the beginning. Lydia says she doesn’t even know Susie’s first husband. Susie says Lydia’s entire family was at the wedding. Lydia doesn’t remember going. Jackie, the spiritual, moral one moves on to accuse Lydia of multiple affairs.  I don’t speak bogan so I have no idea what Jackie is saying. But Lydia seems guilty. Even Gina and Chyka think Jackie is going too far.

Petti is pissed she is not getting camera time, so she jumps in to agree with Jackie. Gina tells Lydia she needs to come clean about what she has been saying. Lydia says she has repeated some things that she has heard, but she is not malicious. Lydia reluctantly apologizes even though she doesn’t mean it.  It’s a very half assed apology.

This was the finale and the little blurbs at the end were hysterical. Sorry for not typing them out but it’s almost time for Bull! 

I’ll be recapping Below Deck with the 10 pm show. There is a rumor that the RHOA teaser will air during the 9 pm show tonight!

I can’t wait for the reunion. The still shot I was sent alone makes it look like big blowups happen. And some relationships are broken forever.


Filed under Entertainment News, Real Housewives of Melbourne

13 responses to “Real Housewives of Melbourne: It’s On Like Donkey Kong!

  1. Hi Tamara, “wanking” is masturbation – “Having it off” is fucking.

  2. Lori Flack

    What is shagging?

    • Dancing Matisse

      Shagging depends on the region. Southern girl speak (Georgia): shagging = sex or a coastal swing dance style, grub = kiss, shack up = spend the night or live together.

      • Kels

        In the UK, shagging is sex, wanking is masturbation. You’re a wanker (to bloke or girl) means you’re acting like a dick :)

  3. Karebear

    I loved all the facial expressions of everyone at this dinner just timeless but seriously there’s no way I would ever put myself in that situation for fame so I don’t understand why Chyka would idk not worth it. Yes the lipsticks were distracting I thought it was mood lipstick lol not attractive

  4. Piper

    I kept having to rewind the “Telly” during the fight scene because I couldn’t understand a word ! Does closed caption no longer come with our tv? My brother in law is from Australia and my sister and girls lived there for several years …. But this sounded like a whole other language !

  5. WonkyTonk

    I’m not entirely sure what it is about her but I find Lydia almost completely unlikable. Her general delusional attitude, the way she carries herself, the looks on her face 90% of the time, the shizzz she’s constantly starting between the ladies. Everything about her onscreen is calculated to an almost unwatchable level. Susie had her pegged all season.

  6. Katherine 2.0

    My absolute favorite franchise. Thanks for recapping! The updates were quite clever.

  7. Jaded

    Gina touting herself as the voice of reason while looking like a hooker has always bothered me so I generally just let anything she says go in one ear and out the other. Lydia may be the best dressed IMO but she’s shady. She has too much time on her hands and instead of using that time for good she uses it to belittle others and then not be honest. Gambel is my favorite because she keeps it light. Of course that could be because she’s still in the honeymoon cocoon. Jackie I used to like but not anymore, if she is truly clairvoyant why pick and choose who you help? Chyka and Janet I didn’t care about but now like.

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