Bachelor In Paradise Dramatic Finale! All’s Wells That Ends Wells!

BIP Ashley and Wells
As if Labor Day weekend was a big enough sign that summer is almost over, it’s time for the two night dramatic finale of Bachelor in Paradise.  Oddly, they are still letting new people in on the last week.  They saved Tiara the chicken girl for last. Nick, our next Bachelor, goes to Tiara and gets her to give up her date care so he can take Jen out on a date. These two have been pretty invisible and I haven’t noticed any major connection; however, when Nick was announced as the new bachelor, Jen went to the tabloids to say she was blindsided because they were still seeing each other. Whatever, Jen. Have several seats.  Unless I see you getting engaged on the second half of this most dramatic finale ever, you have not serious claim to him.  Ironically, they go on a date to a card reader who says that Nick is unsure and has one foot in and one foot out of their relationship. Nick pours on the charm and says all the right things.

Hey Izzy! If you dump a guy for the first cute guy who comes along, that’s your prerogative.  But after you dump him, you can’t expect him to be there just because the cute guy tires of you after a week. OMG this awesome. So the new guy dumped her for the next chick that came along. She decides to leave Paradise and go look for Vinny. She calls him and he is not longer interested. He says there is no coming back from what she did and basically hangs up on her. Who knew Vinny had it in him?  I hope he doesn’t change his mind.  They literally have to pull the car over so that Izzy can have a nervous breakdown.  You know what makes for good TV?  A dramatic nervous breakdown, that’s what.

Then to cap it all off, Brett, the cute guy that Izzy dumped Vinny for, bails at the most dramatic rose ceremony ever leaving his new interest roseless as well.

BIP Wells and Ashley I


If Wells picks this idiot Jami girl I will freak out. And he picks Ashley!!!! My life is now complete!  I really thought they would make him pick someone else for dramatic effect. That said, I have no faith that Wells is going to take her virginity. If he doesn’t Ashley really just needs to hire herself a gigolo and get it over with.

Chris Harrison’s dress shirt has boob gap. Fat ladies, you know what I am talking about here, don’t deny it. Why couldn’t someone get him a shirt that fit? Chris tells the other five couples that basically they either need to get engaged or leave. He says they have one date and the fantasy suite to make the decision. Wells bails on Ashley because they have only been on one date and while they like each other, they are not about to get engaged because as Wells says, “that would be crazy.” Ashley, whose middle name is crazy and last name is McTeary,  is very calm about the situation and channels up some sanity to agree and doesn’t even cry until she gets by herself. She rolls her wheelie through the wet sand without any major dramatics. And with that, my favorite part of the season ends.

BIP Ashley cry
Speaking of crazy, Lace and Grant go to get matching tattoos that say “Grace” which is their couple name. #Adorbs and something they can write off as a spiritual tat once they break up.

Carly and Evan meet up with a plus sized local woman for some sort of wacky body painting activity.  The next day the guys go pick out rings with Neil Lane. Everyone is nervous. There are five couples and the previews say three engagement so… they are making us wonder. Neil Lane says he is getting tired of seeing Nick and wonders if he will see him again. Actually Neil, yes you will at the end of the next Bachelor.  This ain’t Josh’s first time at Neil Lane’s rodeo either.

Carly and Evan get engaged. They may be the most perfectly matched couple ever on this stupid farce of a show. It was super nerd chic. And they lived happily Evan after.

Lacey was freaking out because Grant seemed unsure of whether they were ready to be engaged during their fantasy suite sexcapade. But they do get engaged and plan to live happily ever after.

BIP Josh and Amanda


Jen gives Nick a long and tearful speech.  Which is ridiculous since I don’t even remember this girl or her spending time with him. Nick starts to cry, or more likely fake cry because he is about to break her heart. He gives her the “you make me a better person” speech and then dumps her. So why was Jen running around talking to tabloids saying that they are still a thing?  Oh Nick adds in the whole, I wish my heart felt it was you. And then the big Kahuna, “You deserve someone better than me.” They have not gotten to the car yet, but once there I expect the let’s stay friends line. But that didn’t happen.

Now I am not liking Nick for The Bachelor. He should have dumped her early when Wes dumped Ashley. And we heard all his lame excuses for dumping the bachelorettes all in one dumping. He is going to need to work on his breakup speeches. Hopefully, I will have forgotten all of this by the time The Bachelor rolls around.

I do not believe this Josh thing is real at all. He has never met a girl he liked as much as he likes himself. This Amanda chick is a giant idiot though, so they do have that in common. She has kids that have not even been around Josh. I don’t think you can do a decent background check from Mexico.  This is not good parenting. Also, she is going first, and that is always a sign that the guy is going to do something stupid. Well, that and it’s Josh.

But they get engaged. And they have already learned how to call TMZ and get them to catch them out with the kids. They will never make it to the altar. Andi Dorfman must be laughing her ass off right now.

But she is happy that Nick is the new bachelor.

Jared and Caila are not together.  Go get yo man, Ashley! Vinny did not get back with Izzy. Carly is moving in with Evan in Nashville this December. She met his kids and can’t wait to be a stepmom. Lace has moved to San Francisco to be with Grant. No date yet, but the want to get married very soon.  Josh moved to Orange County to be with Amanda and the girls. Nick is the next Bachelor.’

Me and Jorge are sad this season is over. But he is the only one crying about it.


Filed under Dumbasses, Entertainment News

18 responses to “Bachelor In Paradise Dramatic Finale! All’s Wells That Ends Wells!

  1. tamaratattles

    I CAN TELL YOU ARE READING THIS! Stop being too embarrassed to comment! ROFLMAO

    • SashaV

      Boob gap Lol, I know what that is! Secretly love this show. It is just so trashy. David or Daniel? was so crazy, his confessionals were the best. Not a fan of Nick as the new bachelor. I think that was his motive the whole time he was in paradise, redeem his reputation by now being the sage, mature man looking for true love (and a continuing television career). Josh and his pizza eating moaning orgasms jeez! And the sweat, wow. Till sweat do us part will be the wedding vows……

  2. Suzanne

    Well, I will be the first to say that I read your recap and absolutely loved it.This show has been my summer guilty pleasure.

  3. Auntie Velvet

    I pulled myself to the computer with a migraine to both watch the last episode and this recap 😉 I have such soft spot for Ashley and Nick…now THAT would be a couple, ha ha.

    I had a feeling Carly and Evan might work out early on, because sometimes you get SO GRUMPY when you start to like someone that things could get real with. And Carly definitely had the grumps about it in the early stages, which was hysterical.

    I agree about the tattoos, TT. You could practically see the wheels turning in Lace’s head when they got to the tattoo parlor that it was a goddamn good thing that their “couple name” would be cute whether they broke up or not.

  4. BeetsWhy

    thank god this is over, I could not stand to hear Josh moan and kiss one more time! Love Carly and Evan, they better show that wedding,Mel, give them a show too!

  5. Kiyoshigirl

    LOL…O.K., I’ll take the bait and add to your comments on this thread TT. So much of this show is producer driven antics that it’s hard to tell what’s real and what’s not. My guess…the Ashley/Jared/Caila triangle was formulated to bring interest to an otherwise dull season.

    I’m a Caila fan. I don’t find her “fake” or a “fame whore”. She reminds me of my new daughter in-law who is half Filipino with beautiful Asian eyes and hair, and a fantastic smile that lights up every room she enters. She’s proof there are happy people in the world who want to be positive and bright despite whatever woes they carry. Ashley I. doesn’t understand that because she’s driven by selfish motives that cause her to view happy people as “fake”.

    I truly wanted to root for Ashley. I was a fan last season, but her manipulations with Jared this year, if true, were evil, and again, selfish. There’s not a man on reality TV who is going to “take” her virginity, and deal with that fall out. She’d better find another route to have that experience.

  6. Heidi

    I’m pretty sure Grace is going to go down in flames within the next few weeks/months, tattoo or not. She seems to have some serious issues, and I couldn’t look at her fucking eyelashes for one more episode.

  7. Dancing Matisse

    ‘He has never met a girl he liked as much as he likes himself.’ Truer words about Josh have not been spoken. I remember feeling in Andi’s season that there were big red flags in his personality.

    Ashley I is the best thing on tv. She is as entertaining as they come. I agree she needs to just get it over with or she is going to lose her mind before her virginity.

  8. Renmen

    Ok I will cop to watching obsessively this season AND to buying the last two seasons online for a BIP binge one weekend. I don’t usually comment though I read every post.

    My favorite part ever in the history of the BIP world was when Izzy (who?) got in the car and called Vinny. I kept thinking omg I cannot WAIT to see what TT says about this disaster! Such a train wreck.

    I spent embarrassingly too much time today looking for pics of the rings they picked too. Gah – I am a true addict! Send help!

    • tamaratattles

      THANK YOU! I feel less alone now. I really love this crap every summer. I loved the end this time where the bird or some animal was telling Ashley “Drown Caila!” lolol. And the part where Caila didn’t have any interest in Jared other than storyline.

      • Auntie Velvet

        For all the talk about Ashley’s insanity, nothing was crazier than Calia zig-zagging between saying yes to the date card from…whoever that was….or saying no and returning to Jared.

      • lori

        Did you guys see the episode of after paradise when Vinny and Izzy were on? I LOVE Vinny. They skyped with his mother and she had a few words for Izzy too. It was great. I would rather see him as the Bachelor than Nick. He is just so nice and hot as hell (especially now). The way Izzy instantly wanted Vinny after that other guy (who doesn’t hold a candle to Vinny IMO) dumped her infuriated me. That phone call was the best. I was actually yelling obscenities at my tv, and then “YES VINNY YES!!!”. I already knew they weren’t together because of AP, but I couldn’t believe she had the gall to do that, but so glad she did.

        From everything I’ve seen and heard from Caila after the show, I believe that it’s true that she wasn’t very into Jared. I was never a fan of hers either. She has always felt phony to me. It wasn’t until this show that I realized that so many other people had the same feeling. I think the real reason that she ran off of the island was that she heard Lace when she whispered nastily under her breath “I can’t stand that girl”. I was going that they were going to mention it on after paradise following that episode, but they didn’t.

  9. lori

    I’m so sad this show is over. As I’ve said before, it’s the only reason I still watch the Bachelor. It’s just so entertaining and fun in the stupidest of ways. I can’t believe (literally) that 6 people got engaged after only having spent 10 days in paradise together (Ashley said on ellen today that the whole thing is actually only 10/11 days long. Who knows what to really think about the true story behind the couples. Some may have already had something going before the show (as we know has happened more than once), or just be altogether fake. Maybe one really was that whirlwind true fairy tale where they end up living happily ever after. The most believable is Evan and Carly, as far as that truly being where it all started for them. They are adorable! Definitely not Josh and Amanda though. I don’t see that one ending well at all. His controlling ways (which I absolutely believe) can only be kept at bay for so long, and so can Amanda’s delusion. Once the shine wears off, that will be that. (IMO of course!)

    Oh yeah!… also… as gross as Josh is, they did say on after paradise that at least most of those disgusting moans were dubbed in. I guess I’d still take that over having to hear him talk, and I sooooo hope this was the end of his tv career. Now to make it through Nick’s season of the Bachelor. I wonder if Jenn will show up on that at all. At least the Bachelor is way more entertaining than the boring ass Bachelorette. I just wish they would shorten it down to an hour per episode. BIP I could do 2 hours every night.

  10. I stopped watching the bachelor and this show many seasons ago, to the point I don’t even know who the idiots are on either one. I do read all of TT’s posts, though.

    After reading this one, and finding out that Josh & Nick are still being recycled in this franchise, well just gross.

    I may, however, now tune back in to watch Nick as the bachelor! He was such a dbag on Andie’s season, it might be fun to hate watch him! Lol!

  11. J

    I can’t even watch Nick as the next Bachelor. I’m so over him.

    LOVE Evan & Carly!

    I feel like most of the Ashley I crying scenes were so fake which is funny since she was calling out Caila for being fake. I don’t doubt her obsession with Jared, I just feel like the crying was purposely over the top. I’m sure she just gave the producers what they wanted.

    The Izzy breakdown was hilarious. Did she really think Vinny would take her back after new guy dumped her? I think in her mind it would be a Carrie and Big love story ending. Haha. Not even close.

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