Real Housewives of Melbourne: Newflash, You’re All Drainers


RHOMel Dubai
We are getting Real Housewives of Melbourne on Wednesday and Fridays because Andy is on vacation running it at 10 will not interfere with his beloved timeslot which he changes on a whim anyway. It’s a because the show is almost a full hour of actual show and here in America we are stuck with networks who insist that a full third of every hour that airs must be reserved for commercials. Because that is how we roll here in the best country in the world. Le sigh.

I’m really looking forward to this after that horrific RHONY reunion.

Oh Lydia. Twenty years ago Dubai was a giant sand box. You know who went to Dubai 20 years ago? Expats with jobs there. Nobody was going there as a tourist. Yet you are so familiar with the place you don’t even know the dress code. I don’t think you are going to be amusing to me in my current state. Simmer down. Lydia says Dubai feels like home and she is going to show the girls around. I can’t. I don’t think I can keep up my Lydia love much longer after this one.  She gets the culture? She almost looks like “them” Oh dear Lord. The one way to lose me is to be an obnoxious traveler. Please stop.

Oh Emirates Air got a plug. I hope they went in first. They have the best first class ever. Well, at least they used to be tied with Singapore Air, but now newcomer Etihad Airways has planes with actual APARTMENTS inside. Anyway, Emirates is still a dream airline for me. Sorry. I get sidetracked a lot with travel episodes.

I think we should keep our eyes peeled for the RHOBH who were there at the same time. Sorry, Aussie ladies, the suites are all full. There might be an aquarium one left over. The RHOMel must have been so pissed to see the accommodations the RHOBH got.


RHOMel Dubai 2
The ladies all meet on couches out near the water. Lydia and Petti walk up last and everyone compliments Lydia and ignores Pette. So Petti cries. Seriously. Janet’s white dress with the white Jackie O’s is to die for. She wins the outfit award for this scene.

Now Lydia says it was 25 years ago that she came to Dubai to supply furniture for “the buildings” (both of them?) and it was just desert.  Chyka points out that their might have been one hotel here then. Lydia goes on and on as if she has read about Dubai on Wikipedia and is trying to act like she’s been there before. She sounds ridiculous. Someone actually asked her if she Google it. She says yes. Chyka points out that she has been coming to Dubai approximately once a month for the past five years on business. Lydia is trying to one up that with her ridiculous stories based off something she Googled. Lydia interrupts Chyka’s toast. Twice. To toast to her second home.

Part of the Atlantis Housewives Promotional Package requires that they highlight several different attractions of the hotel so they must all divide up and do their commercials in small groups. First up, Chyka and Jackie swim with the dolphins. But first they talk about Lydia’s one upping and interrupting the day before. Her Dubai nonsense irked me right out of the gate and I like Lydia and am watching from home. If I were the hostess for this trip, I’d have to have a little talk with her.

Lydia, Gina and Gamble head off to frolic with the sea lions. They are told to disinfect their feet. They take this to mean they should apply more bronzer.  The sea-lion seems to be telling them something. I think it is trying to say, “I know Lisa Vanderpump. And you ladies are no Lisa Vanderpump.”  Since Lydia is in this group, they talk about Petti.

Petti, Janet and Susie are thrown to the sharks.

Later they ladies eat at the Ossiano. Thank God they are not a Nobu. If I never see another Nobu it will be too soon. Janet starts stirring the shit between Gamble and Gina about Gina bailing on her in Byron Bay to go watch herself on Celebrity Apprentice. Gina tells Gamble that if she has an issue with her she needs to tell her and not start off a chain of gossip by telling the others. As she does this, she is creepily massaging Petti’s neck. At the dinner table.  It’s bizarre. Then Petti tells Gamble she needs to focus on the positives from her wedding and stop dwelling on the negative. Gamble starts dropping the F-bomb and Petti follows. Lydia needs to blow a whistle and explain the behavior expectations for  her home country here. Instead, Janet says that they should all take note that Petti is talking about someone besides herself for once. Petti tries to get out the tired insult about a village missing their idiot but her mouth is full and she seems a bit drunk.

Clearly we are going to go over ever single transgression that has ever occurred. I am not going to give a blow by blow of this.

RHOMel dubai food court

Dubai Food Court

Off to the mall. Everyone rags on Petti. Gina says that Petti is self involved. Pot. Kettle.  There is a show store in the mall named Gina. They have the exact same shoes that Gina sells online, from the same manufacturer. Is this for real?

Of to lunch outdoors at Bice, with a great view of Burj Khalifa for Gamble, Jackie, Janet and Chyka.   While Gina, Petti, Susie and Lydia eat in the food court. As food courts go, it’s quite lovely I suppose. The two factions discuss Gina’s early departure in Byron Bay the night before Gamble’s wedding.  And Jackie and Petti’s conflict. In the middle of the food court, Gina and Petti tell each other to shut the fuck up, with a local man sitting feet away. Lydia, who was almost born in Dubai until her mother made it to the hospital in Melbourne, fails to address the situation with the ladies regarding foul language.

I forgot to mention that Gina is doing her confessionals in a pink bustier. I should probably go look for a photo.  Sorry I got nothing. But it’s pink and see through except for the cups and the boning.

rhomel gina
Sweet baby Jesus, this is the longest episode ever. Time to ride camels.  Gina is already complaining. I must say that while this looks fun, it is decidedly not fun. It’s hotter than hades, the camels stink and spit and bite which is why the are wearing skull caps on their faces, and they stink to high heaven.  Did I mention how badly they stink? The saddles wobble and there is a constant sensation that you may fall off and be trampled in to the sand and die. This is one of those things you should just watch on TV. Granted I was ten at the time I did this. But still. Once was once too much. It stunning to watch on TV though.

Gina makes it a full three feet before dropping off and turning back on foot. Yet somehow she arrives there before the ladies.  We get a random belly dancer. So Petti jumps up to try to out do her. Bruce and their son, BJ surprise Chyka in the middle of the desert. She hasn’t seen her son in six months and had no idea they were going to surprise her.

The Aussies skip the whole being freaked out by camel meat scene.  Instead they appreciate the dinner and get right to arguing.  When someone mentions Chyka’s blog, Lydia chimes in to say she has a blog too. Lydia says that her blog was mentioned on The Daily Mail.  Well that makes two of us, Lydia. Janet points out that Lydia doesn’t write her own blog. She knows this because it is in English. I bet she chains that housekeeper to the radiator and makes her do it! Lydia announces that she’s butthurt that everyone is talking about Chyka’s blog and not hers. Where do they find these women??? The ladies ask if she is competitive with Chyka. They were talking about the blog thing in this instance but Lydia goes back to saying she has been coming to Dubai for 26 years.  So it’s 26 now is it?  Susie gets in Jackie’s ear about Petti and Lydia talking about her. So Jackie brings it up to them. Petti tells Jackie she is a mean girl. Jackie tells Petti she is the mean girl. Jackie says she never talks about Petti behind her back. Well, she does only do it on days that end in y. It turns into a gang up on Petti. Petti starts to cry. They all keep going at once. Petti has had enough and screams “STOP IT!”

Hell if I would have know that worked I would have screamed it at the TV half an hour ago. So much bitching and bickering, my God.

Next Week: Next week, the women all reflect on their behavior and feel deep shame and embarrassment. They beg each other for forgiveness and all have a group hug. Then they toast marshmallows and make S’mores and go about in a circle telling each other what they like about each other the most. Oh wait. That’s not it. Next week, they behaving even more ridiculously.  And Lydia recalls traveling through her mother’s birth canal and plopping out into Dubai fluent in Arabic.


Filed under Entertainment News, Real Housewives of Melbourne

21 responses to “Real Housewives of Melbourne: Newflash, You’re All Drainers

  1. SLM

    I have a friend like Lydia and it drives me mad. Starkers. Anytime you say anything, she has to chime in that she’s done whatever you are talking about, too, only for 10 years before you and twice as much. And I thought the same thing when she started talking about how she’s practically been a member of the Dubai glitterati for more than 25 years…um, Dubai wasn’t a high end destination then, was it?! And isn’t Lydia only about 45? Was she a sought after designer with a world wide rep when she was 20?? I still have to say, RHOMel is my current fave of all the RH franchises. Just based on the fact that their lunacy seems almost fresh in comparison to every other locale at this point

  2. Barbara

    Your recap is so good I don’t think there is much to add. Last two seasons I was not a Jackie fan, but she’s grown on me. I love how she sticks up for herself but doesn’t seem to go out of her way to start trouble. Petit is unwatchable and the ladies seem to have had enough of her. I would have no idea how to be her friend, she is so unrelate-able Jackie is spot on about her negative energy. She is a pain in every respect. Janet and Chyka look gorgeous and Lydia’s blue caftan dress was lovely. Those three know how to have a good time.

  3. ninjapanda1

    I was waiting for Lydia to claim she flies her plane into Dubai for cheese. Camel’s milk cheese, but cheese nonetheless.

  4. AnnaBanana

    I think Pettifleur has some sort of personality disorder. I used to have a friend like her, and …..we’re not friends any more. She probably has a good heart, but something is ‘off’.

    Every time I see the name Chyka in print, I read it in my head as Shy-Ka and not Chee-Ka. I wonder if it’s part of the Australian accent, because I don’t think in the US many people would spell or think ‘chica’ would be spelled that way. I don’t know.

    • TheArtistFormerlyKnownAsYoya

      Something is very wrong with her for sure. Her conversation with her sister about her childhood was very revealing. She clearly has some serious issues and needs to get onto healing.

      • Jen

        The conversation with the sister was just shocking, I couldn’t believe her sister sat through it for so long.

  5. TheArtistFormerlyKnownAsYoya

    I was with Gina until she started lying about the Celebrity Apprentice viewing. So what, she wanted to watch the premiere episode when it aired? WHO WOULDN’T? But why didn’t she just say that, instead of trying to lie about it?! Then she got cruel with Gamble about it all. No longer a Gina fan.

    Pettifleur is a nutcase but I really enjoyed her outfits and makeup this season. She looks great.

  6. AUDGE

    I’m still hanging on as a Gina fan but I didn’t like her attitude with Gamble. What I have never understood is why Janet has such a hard on for Gina and since season one never misses a chance to try to make her look bad. Does anyone else know why this is?

    • Vet

      I think she is jealous of her education, and lets face it even with the makeup Gina always has a boyfriend. While Janet can’t keep one.

  7. Misha

    I really liked Jackie this season. I don’t know what happened between season 2 and this one but came into the season with guns blazing. And as the seasons come and go, I continue to dislike Lydia more and more. She’s quite stupid yet she thinks she’s smart.

  8. Sam

    Two or three hundred comments on slut shaming NYers and Jersey autism experts, and this gets 9 comments?? NINE? Depressing. This show is good. I can only surmise people like to be miserable. Bleh.

    Having trouble getting a response to type out, sorry for brevity re: show.

    • TheArtistFormerlyKnownAsYoya

      I know, I keep checking back here to see if things picked up. Crickets. This season of Melbourne was everything I want Housewives to be but I guess not everyone feels that way.

  9. Vet

    Chyka’s clothes are everything to me. She is the best dressed of all Housewives shows. I make my husband watch so he knows WTH to buy me, unless its jewelry (no rings he gets those wrong) or a gift card!

  10. tamaratattles

    welcome to my world.

    I can (and will tomorrow) post an odd photo of Nene and get 80 posts. But a recap of a really good 75 minute episode of this show, and nothing.

    I don’t know how to draw in a different group of people. You won’t find many recaps of Melbourne online, and this is why. It’s a sad commentary on America. As if we needed another one..,.I appreciate you guys watching.

    SLM if you have time, can you email me and let me know the problem you are having with commenting and include what kind of device you are using? Thanks.

  11. Mary

    Right now RHOM is my favorite in the franchise. I enjoy the ladies’s looks, homes, jokes, partners & conversations. Even when they fight it comes with a bit of humor, not dark, doesn’t give me pangs of anxiety. I love how they don’t take themselves too seriously, most definitely not to the point of rage.

    Perhaps this is why their thread isn’t getting a lot of comments. Melbourne’s cast doesn’t make me feel like venting because I have been a witness to major aggression and exceptionally poor manners.

    Even poor little Figaro cracks me up with his drawn back ears and the looney music the producers play when Lydia is being a Lydiot. Susie is not a firecracker like Jackie but her soft tones does play well off the other girls. This cast of girls are great, even with Pettifleur.

  12. PeachyKeen

    I am confused? Thought I saw this episode on RHOBH a few years ago? DUbai; Camela: shopping:?

  13. this by far is the best HW show that Bravo has this is my first year watching so I missed 2 years that sucks.
    Gamble has every right to be pissed at Gina..Gina has got to calm the hair down ,she is over the top conceited and when I first saw her on the show I thought Drag Queen
    Gamble is my favorite
    Lydia is funny acting like a toddler begging for attention she also makes quite a few back handed comments
    Susie is 1 of those women you feel like you have to watch your back around
    Jackie is a mean girl but I do not know the past dynamic with Petti so I see jackie as a ass
    Janet why is she even on this show ?
    Chyka she is down to earth just seems like a sweet lady
    Petti is a snob
    Melbourne ladies in Dubai has been my favorite episode so far
    TT your explaining why they divided up makes sense to show case all Dubai has to offer
    I have to admit I am jealous it is my Dream vacation
    maybe some day I will be able to win the lottery and go hahahaha

  14. Well, I’m way late with this comment, but just watched the show last night – BEST EPISODE EVER!!! Lydia disappointed me so much where did that needy behavior come from? I’ve never seen her try to one up someone so blatantly. Whey not just sit back, enjoy the trip, let Chyka have her (well deserved) moment and STFU? She wasn’t just rude, she came off as extremely pathetic. Loved the moment when Chyka’s hubby and son turned up – I’m usually not really big on staged “family moments”, but the love between them was genuine and touching. Pettifleur”s narcissism when trying on clothes and sun glasses was non-stop LOL! Then when she said she wanted to strip off her clothes to let the ladies see how super-fabulous her body was – priceless!! She obviously needs a good you-know-what. The icing on the cake for me was watching Jackie’s expressions when she was talking to Pettifleur, or, even better, her reactions as Pettifleur went off on everyone. These ladies are hysterical and definitely the best Real Housewives ever! Love this show and can’t wait for next week. Happy Memorial Day, everyone!

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