Real Housewives of Melbourne: Portrait of Figaro

rhomel Figaro


As everyone knows Lydia is my favorite Aussie housewife. However, that could be changing as I am becoming an even bigger fan of Johanna, her maid because of  her blank expressions every time Lydia does something stupid.  This week’s hilarity by Lydia is that she is commissioning a portrait of Figaro, her dog. Hopefully it’s a nude, because I can’t stand people who dress dogs up like people. Fig always looks like he is in a bullet proof vest, or a life-preserver, both three sizes too big. Did Lydia just say that Fig showers with her?  Wait did Lydia just say that the portrait artist has painted Johnny Depp’s dog? Was it one of the ones he brought into the country illegally? Fig has no interest in sitting for a nude portrait for two hours.  Did it occur to either of the fools to take a photo and use that?

I do kind of love the portrait. I need one of Banjo. Same size. Although Fig looks a lot fatter in the portrait. Don’t tell Fig I said that. And as Petti says, he does look petrified.  Perhaps I’ll paint my own.


We are back with Gina and her young man from central casting hired to play the part of her assistant. Gina has a huge head this season. She goes on and on about her brand and her millions of fans. Gina is smelling potential scents for her signature fragrances. Except she apparently doesn’t have a nose.  Gina apparently invented the cell phone plan.

RHOMel Dry pussy


So I am going to hijack Gamble’s portion of the recap for a bit because she just got back from her honeymoon in “Broome” and being the travel addict that I am I immediately stopped to find out all about it.  Here is a story guaranteed to make my Aussie readers snicker even harder, when I taught the second grade, the government would basically tell us what we had to teach and we were not to deviate from the curriculum. So clearly, I got in trouble A LOT. Whenever I see the Olympics I always think of all the times that I got in trouble for letting my kids eat lunch in the classroom with me and showing them as much of the opening ceremonies as I could get away with before an admin would come and ask me WTF I thought I was doing and point out that the 23 minute lunch period ended 17 minutes ago and I was forbidden from showing students videos that weren’t approved as part of the curriculum. I really got in trouble when the year my friend from Vancouver send my kids a box of Canookian flags and all the mascots and pencils with the flag and all kinds of other Canookian propaganda.  We did a walk through of out school pretending to be Team Canada at the Opening Ceremonies and then presented one of my friend’s first grade students with pencils and flags and such because they were supposed to study Canada. We were practically FORBIDDEN from studying Canada as we were required to study Australia and Japan. Which we did with equal excitement.

So we learned the capital of Australia, which is NOT Sydney, and we studied koalas and kangaroos. Be learned that the outback was more than a restaurant that serves blooming onions and about the Opera house, and all my boys loved my flags from around the world poster (again, contraband not in the curriculum) and would draw the flag and we entered a contest about saving the damn koalas and two of my kids won prizes that were sent from Australia to the school which made them very excited. And I thought I did a pretty decent job.

Until now. Last week I learned that there are tropical rainforests in Australia and this week I learned about Broome! I wish I could go back in time and tell my boys about the dinosaur footprints! And there are camel rides on the Indian Ocean. And PEARLS!  Sorry. Back to the show.

Gamble goes shoe shopping with Luke and tells him that he is attractive now, but he certainly went through an ugly stage. Oh, Gamble. She reminds us via Luke that the storyline for probably the entire season is going to be that Gina bailed early on Gamble to go watch herself on the premiere of Celebrity Apprentice.   Luke says Gamble has terrible taste in friends and says they are all a violent pack of bitches.




Susie is trying to learn how to fold napkins so that she can teach her students to do so at her new…..wait for it….etiquette school. She is confused by the instructions because they are American. Look, I’m just reporting what is happening on my TV.  She seems baffled that one should iron cloth napkins before attempting the very difficult three fold rectangle.  Is she teaching etiquette or table setting or perhaps table manners? I’m not sure she knows. It seems that her entire resume of qualification for educating others on etiquette is donning a pearl necklace.

Chyka, her daughter Chessie, and Jackie arrive to be guinea pigs for her practice teaching. Um, they are going to practice articulation with marbles in their mouths. I believe the word I am searching for here is “bogan.”  It sums up this entire scene perfectly, from Joan all the way down to Jackie.


It’s time for Petti to buy something ostentatious for no reason. This week its a grand piano. At least we get to hear the salesman play a Steinway. Apparently, it’s for her son who as had about three lessons in his life it appears. She ends up with a baby grand, allegedly. I’ll wait to see it in the house. Although, it is a bribe to try to get him to break up with his girlfriend, so who knows, maybe she does buy it. His girlfriend Emily shows up and they head off for lunch. Petti’s attempt to join them summarily denied.


Some kids are dropped off for Jackie to practice mothering. Are there absolutely no new storylines left for these housewives shows?  The kids were actually quite well-behaved.


Janet and her ex continue to flirt with the idea of reconciling. Janet was unhappy that he spoke to Lydia like a human being because she is her arch-enemy.  He tells Janet all she has to do is ask to come back to him. I think she should.

RHOMel Dubai 2


Jackie invites the girls to see one of her new venues and throws a middle eastern feast in a gorgeous tent. Chyka is really, really good at parties. It appears to be another invitation party.  Chyka is catering a wedding for some royal someone or another and so all the ladies are going to Dubai.  Gina really is playing up the self-centered act. Petti and Jackie get into an argument because Petti wants Jackie to help find her son’s birth certificate using her spidey senses. Jackie can’t bear to be around Petti with or without the use of her psychic vibes.  Someone should just give Petti a St. Anthony medallion.

I must say, Petti does do a fantastic top bun. If she would just not talk, she might be tolerable. If she had a different personality and a different voice/accent she would be quite pretty. Petti and Jackie exchange some bleeped words. This Dubai trip is going to be fabulous.

Speaking of the Dubai trip. I’ve heard that the RHOMel production crew was in Dubai at the very same time that the RHOBH were there and they basically told the hotel that they wanted the exact same scenes and setups as the RHOBH.  I’m okay with that. I loved the Dubai trip as far as the scenery goes.  Same scenarios, different cat fights works just fine for me. Lydia is going to be Petti’s friend in Dubai. At least that is the plan for now. They will be coming for Jackie. Gamble and Gina will argue. Chyka will rise above it all.

NEXT WEDNESDAY:  The drama begins straight away in Dubai. And I’m ready for it!


Filed under Entertainment News, Real Housewives of Melbourne

21 responses to “Real Housewives of Melbourne: Portrait of Figaro

  1. Jen

    OMG this was a great episode. Gina’s assistant looked like he was really trying so hard during that filmed walk in to the lab. He has been practicing that A LOT. Did I understand correctly from the show that Gina was actually fired from CA pretty early on? So all that fuss was really for nothing?

    When Jackie said she had been to deportment school I laughed almost as much as Chyka. I’m still a little in shock about Chyka’s daughter though. It’s really surprising to me that her daughter is so entitled and has such poor manners. Chyka and her husband seem like such great people, I expected a go-getting high achiever with impeccable etiquette.

    Pettifleur just annoys me. I would be happy to see her off the show next season. It was clear that she did not approve of her son’s girlfriend, but I’m not sure she would approve of anyone. The way she got angry at the girls being excited to see Gamble, who’s wedding they had just attended, and who was fresh off her honeymoon was just astounding.

    And didn’t Janet’s husband actually cheat on her? Yet she is the one who has to ask to come back?!

    • Diane

      No he is telling Janet that all she needs to do is ask him to come back in the sense that he wants to come back. He realizes he made a big mistake and he loves her. I didn’t take it in a negative way but in a sweet way of ‘please ask me back’. I think they should. They are well suited.

    • Auntie Velvet

      I had to look the Gina thing up because I was wondering. She caught what sounds legit like a scary virus from one of the other contestants and had to quit around episode 4 of CA.

  2. ninjapanda1

    I love Lydia’s maid. Pettifleur has some weird thing going on with her son…it’s creepy. I like that his girlfriend has set boundaries as far as his mother is concerned. Chykas daughter is some kind of spoiled, but she’s no monster she reminds me of J’amie from Summer Heights High. Bruce is pretty effing hot.

  3. CoKatie

    I am just sooooo bummed out to hear that Chyka will not be returning in the new season. Best of luck to her, her family and their ever growing business. But what are we going to do without our Switzerland?!?!

    • Chyka was my favorite from day 1! First, I immediately loved her hairstyle and she dresses fine. She is not slim or over weight and she knows what looks great for her Even though she didn’t have the opportunity to go to University she has a great business mind and very successful. I am sad to see her go but I still have Gina! The others are boring and I don’t know if I can stay with them without Chyka!

  4. Misha

    I loved this season of RHOM – it’s already aired here in Australia. It was beyond crazy. It all kicks off with the next episode. For me, there were a lot of OMG moments and I think Pettifleur and Lydia are just awful people.

  5. StubbyG

    I am always excited to see Fig as I have four rescue Italian Greyhounds. The reason he always has a sweater on is because the breed is always cold because they don’t have a lot of hair and body fat. Fig is a little more plump than he should be. I only put sweaters on my guys before they go outside in the winter so they keep a little warm. :-)

  6. Jack

    This season of RHOMelbourne is truly one of the greatest of all Housewives. The Dubai episodes are flawless.

    Love reading these recaps here in Aus, love seeing everyone else’s observations!

  7. tamaratattles

    I have to say that I like the format of scenes with each HW’s personal life without the others first followed by an all cast get together. The American versions needs to do more exploration of the HW’s outside the company of the others to give us something about them in a personal dynamic.

    It needs to be something more than hashing last weeks fight card before this week’s fight goes down.

  8. tamaratattles

    I must be in the minority though because Bethenny’s vile behavior gets tons of responses while a nice normalish show like this episode gets crickets.

    • AUDGE

      I always thought that the lack of comments was a lack of viewership because Bravo didn’t do a lot of promotion early on. But I really don’t get it now, it’s consistently the best housewives franchise.

  9. Jaana

    Fig hates Lydia.

    Pettifleur is annoying and Gina’s head has gotten HUGE. Just like a certain Vanderpump.

    I watched this season already. I am now watching Real Housewives of Auckland. It’s not bad.

    • AUDGE

      I want to believe that “Gina’s big head” is just a fabricated storyline because she’s been my girl crush since season 1. I’ll be so disappointed if it’s actually true.

      • tamaratattles

        Me too. I am convinced she is playing it up for the cameras. Probably does have a bit of a big head, but I want to believe she is milking that storyline.

  10. AUDGE

    This is still my favorite housewives show. I know this is shallow, but, did anyone else find Pettifleur’s son’s girlfriend a bit plain? Maybe the opposite of his mother?

    • Shay 2.0

      I did find her a bit plain looking and had she shown a nicer side by including Pettifleur to lunch then I would have found her to be a lovely person. No such luck. It was sad that she showed up unexpectedly to claim her man and not ask Pettifleur to join them especially when Pettifleur asked to join.

  11. Pettifluer’s son is quite the ingrate…she buys him a $135,000 piano and he can’t take his mother to lunch?

  12. AmyinLasVegas

    Ben made me laugh so much him not being able to let the kids cry it out to sleep.

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