It’s time for Andy’s favorite moment of the season, when Bethenny rips Lu’s heart out of her chest and eats it. It has come down to this because Luann has remained unbothered by each and every escalating attack all season even when the entire pack has attacked at once. Luann must pay, so Bethenny has put out feelers or perhaps hired a P.I. to tail Tom and get her some dirt. If you don’t believe that, then you must believe Bethenny has lots of friends who happen to be strategically located wherever Tom is who feel comfortable calling a woman with a small child sleeping in the house at 2 a.m. If you believe that you must also believe that Bethenny has tons of friends who are mutual acquaintances of every who just so happen to tell her about things like Jules marriage.
Speaking of Bethenny, I have been asleep for almost 18 hours, I woke up to several emails saying that Bethenny is thinking of leaving the show because she is butthurt over the reunion and some legal issues with Bravo. While I could see her quitting over the first one, if you go to the ET story that is the source, she is referring to the fact that some of the other housewives refuse to show all of their personal lives on the show and keep some things “behind a do not cross police line.” That’s an odd comment from someone whose ex husband wisely will not let her pimp her daughter on the show. Bethenny wants to control her edit and she clearly can’t do that on RHONY. If she leaves, it will be because she has a radio show now, where she has total control of the content. That said, Bethenny’s dramatic comments always seem to come on a show day. Take that as you will.
And now, I am going to try to do a decent job on this recap as I get it is a very important episode. But, I’m working at half speed so apologies in advance.
We begin with Bethenny reclined on her bed fiercely battling her fatal case of fibroids like a champ, her minions surrounding her as she gleefully reveals that she has a picture (I thought it was a video) of Tom kissing the playboy bunny. Ramona makes it all about Ramona. No surprise there. Bethenny says in confessional, “What are the odds that I would get a photo like this just before heading off to an engagement party? It’s unbelievable.” It sure is, Bethenny. It sure is. Her unbelievable source says that Tom was making out with the bunny for over an hour. Now it is two or three photos. Carole advises Bethenny not to tell Lu.
Ramona and Lu get mani/pedis together so that Ramona can beat Bethenny to the punch. While Bethenny shows Carole the photo. Carole gives us the positive ID on Tom. Because the guy is bald. So it has to be Tom. Bethenny doesn’t know when to tell Luann. I know when she is going to do it. She’ll do it at the end of the episode.
First we will suffer through many awkward scenes where Ramona will tell everyone and Luann will be the last to know. We will start at dinner. Normally, I love the Miami episodes and seeing all the cool restaurants, but this episode I’m just waiting to get this horrific storyline over. We start with Bethenny trashing Luann’s engagement to Ramona and Sonja. Bethenny quickly figures out that Ramona has told Sonja. Bethenny is not stupid. That is exactly why she told Ramona. I’m surprised Ramona hasn’t told Luann yet. Maybe she has. My favorite part of this scene is when Bethenny Frankel called Luann “manic.” Sonja reminds everyone that she just slept with Tom three months ago. They go over this every fucking episode as if it is new information.
Carole apparently held up Luann and Jules with some sort of wardrobe malfunction. Bethenny is loaded for bear to about the lateness and has rifle pointed at Luann. The first three start eating appetizers without them. As they walk in Ramona has the first smart idea of her life as Bethenny is trying to avoid sitting next to the latecomers and suggests they move to the dinner table. Production had to suggest that. Bethenny finds out that it was Carole who caused the hour delay and screams at her. Carole gives it right back. Sidenote: Bethenny has been traveling all summer with Carole. No sign of her other million “friends in common” anywhere. Jesus, Bethenny continues to scream at Carole like she is five years old.
So we are all there and Bethennny has perpetual, terminal, PMS before Luann’s butt ever hits a chair. Dorinda is already wasted. There was no dinner chatter, just the pre dinner bout. Bethenny left to return to her deathbed, Sonja went with her in case Bethenny needed someone to dash out for maxipads, and everyone else with to party. Did I mention Dorinda is already drunk? Jules gets on stage with the band and humps a saxophone. Not a guy playing a saxophone, the saxophone itself. I guess her pistachio is healed.
Sonja joins Bethenny on her deathbed for some sleepytime tea where she actually says to Sonja that she feels like a private detective. There is a reason for that. In her confessional she says,”There is a part of me that is gloating.” So at least she has some degree of self-awareness. Sonja convinces Bethenny to call Tom and confront him first.
Meanwhile, back at the bar, Ramona has already gone home with some dude, Dorinda and Luann are missing their men. Dorinda is probably missing the snow in NYC. And Jules doesn’t miss Michael at all and is wasted wearing some sort of vase (?) on her head and drunk dialing home I think. Lu decides to drunk dial Tom. We are supposed to believe that Lu and Bethenny are calling Tom simultaneously and that Tom is not expecting the calls. Well, apparently he doesn’t know because he doesn’t answer. At least he doesn’t answer Bethenny.
The next day the girls are going on a boat out to a sand bar to eat and drink and play on a little island. But first, everyone must rehash when Luann and Tom started dating and who else he was sleeping with and how Tom minimizes Sonja and Ramona’s relationship. Dorinda feels like we do. Why don’t they just shut up about all this? They are in Miami! Bethenny keeps on and on toward to Dorinda about all the details of Luann’s life. She also tells Dorinda that she is going with Ramona to a French restaurant instead of joining the girls on the sand bar trip that Dorinda planned. Has there been one event that Dorinda planned that Bethenny didn’t shit on? No. Noe there has not. And then she calls Dorinda, “the village idiot” over and over and over. Well Bethenny, it she is the village idiot for going along with the ride and trying to have fun, you are the town crier who is constantly screaming about negative news and ruining everyone’s good time.
Carole, Luann, Jules and Dorinda go to the sand bar. Dorinda is very salty about Ramona, Sonja and Bethenny refusing to participate. Of course the French restaurant was mentioned eleventy billion times for promotion and this was the plan all along. And everyone knew it. I do think Carole actually got to pick going to the sand bar as it is the younger, hipper way more fun option that escargot with Bethenny.
At the restaurant, Bethenny says she thinks this has been a very nice trip. She actually believes that. She has invited her friend in Miami, Sarah to join them. She filmed with this girl the last time she was in Miami. She must be thrilled to be there for the tear down of Luann and the sex talk and the planning of the ambush.
On the boat, some people cruise by and someone screams, “Chic C’est La Vie!” and Luann is thrilled. I’m glad the bitches didn’t go. This way Luann can be happy for a few hours. They arrive at the sand bar at high tide and have to be kayaked over to the floating snack bar. Sadly, we go back to the same conversations. Carole brings up that Luann and the Count had an open marriage. Luann said she didn’t want to have an open marriage, it just happened.
It’s the last night. Thank GAWD. Dorinda is pissed about Ramona leading the charge not to go on her boat trip. She says she has had it with her. Ramona is a dog that bites, Dorinda says she will pat her on the ass but she’s not going near her face.
Bethenny makes fun of Ramona and Sonja’s outfit for the evening before dashing off to meet another “friend” a guy named Ramero who is a “world famous artist” and “King of Miami.” The last time someone claimed to be King of Miami he was a giant douchebag who appeared on Real Housewives of Miami for publicity. He shows up in a car with the loudest paint job I’ve ever seen. He screams pretentious douchebag looking for TV time. I assume he was introduced to Bethenny five minutes before they filmed their parking lot greeting. She said it would not be appropriate for Luann to come at her during this particular dinner. Wait, she thinks Luann is coming at HER? What is wrong with Bethenny? Like seriously. Is seems like more than a plain old case of narcissistic personality disorder.
As Luann points out, this assclown has no place at dinner. Dorinda is pissed because this was her trip and Bethenny keeps counter planning everything she does. Dorinda just wants to go back to the hotel and spend time with the girls like normal people. Dorinda goes in on Ramona. Bethenny tells Dorinda to stop yelling. She was not yelling. Why does Bethenny tell everyone how to behave, and what to wear and insult them all the time.
Bethenny, Ramona and Sonja have a secret but very loud laugh about Tom cheating on Luann right in front of her. They think this whole thing is hilarious.
Next we film in Bethenny’s
hospital hotel room. One again Bethenny decides to display her skin sack of bones in her bra and underwear for the camera. Clearly, she thinks this is an attractive look. This is outfit she has chosen to wear for the confrontation of Luann. Just when you think Bethenny could not be any more mentally ill. She does this. Isn’t she supposed to be bleeding like a stuck pig? Why is she laying on white sheets in a teeny tiny pair of panties and a strapless bra?
Luann comes in and she sits up cross-legged on the bed so that the camera can get a good crotch shot. This is some serious mental disorder we are witnessing here. The bra top might be a bathing suit. Bethenny went out to a hip hop club the night before. She is reclined and suddenly seems to be near death once again.
Luann very calmly tells Bethenny that the way she talks about her marriage to the count was a cruel attempt to tarnish her marriage. Bethenny says she is sorry for doing that. She says her marriage is none of her business. But apparently her engagement to Tom is.
Luann runs out before Bethenny can tell her.
So we will go through all of this again next week.