Bachelor In Paradise Recap: Sticky Situations

BIP Josh and Amanda
“Last week Carly broke Evan’s (Erectile Dysfunction Specialist) heart, but Evan was ready for a premature ejection! And rose to the occasion, putting Amanda in a hard spot, Will Josh explode in a rage?”

Thus is how the two hour episode of BiP began tonight. This campy nonsense show mocks itself more than Unreal mocks The Bachelor.   Sadly, although Evan was able to lure Amanda to his little dinner date he set up, he got the “you deserve someone really special” speech and Amanda returned right back to her nonstop makeout sesh with Josh, the reality show douchebag. Seriously, who wants to make out for an entire day. Amanda needs to actually try to talk to Josh and he would not be so attractive to her anymore. Evan somehow got a ray of hope from Amanda.

Before the rose ceremony, both Evan and Nick try to tell Amanda about what a douchebag Josh is by informing her of Andi’s tell all book. They both are on the block to go home.  Ultimately, Amanda sticks with Josh and both Nick and Evan are saved by roses from Carly and one of the twins.  The two guys who went home were not even there long enough for me to know their names.  They both read their scripts in the car to the airport with heartfelt emotion.

BIP Caila
Caila, from Ben’s season, arrives in Paradise and all the guys are drooling and all the women are nervous. Especially the twin that gave her rose to Jared. Caila is totally the prettiest girl there now. And if I recall correctly, she seems like a really sweet person.  Caila asks Jared on the date.  After an awkward talk with his twin, Jared said yes to Caila. Nick starts swooping in on the discarded twin, who is apparently called Emily.

Cue the dramatic love story music, the crashing waves, the horseback riding through the waves, Caila’s hair blowing in the salt air and Jared falling hard for Caila. I think he would have proposed on the beach if he had a ring handy. Jared comes back and dumps Emily. Her life is over.

Side Note: I just told myself that the mac and cheese in the oven “could use another segment.” I should write a cookbook of recipes to be cooked when watching trash TV. After the third commercial break, pause your programming and give things a good stir. Watch one more segment, and it’s ready to eat!

Izzy (who?) and Lace get a double date card.  It’s a BiP first!  Lace and Grant are in love and ready to get married. Izzy and Vinny are in love and ready to get married.  Izzy says she is “totally in it to Vin it!”  Vinny says they could save some money on a double wedding.

Sarah and Carly plan their own double date with Daniel and Evan. This should be much more interesting because these guys are desperate for attention. While Daniel eats raw broccoli, the other three play a drinking game every time Daniel says something stupid.  Sarah and Daniel make things super awkward for Carly when they try to make them kiss. Who does that? Carly sends Evan lots of missed signals.  Carly tells Evan not to kiss her good night. Evan is drunk and sad.

Next we see a passed out Evan being shaken by a producer. When a producer comes on the set, you know things are going to be good really bad.  Evan is completely unresponsive to shaking and shouting. Medics are called. The producers go get Carly because they want someone to stay with Evan, who is now wide awake and seems perfectly normal.  Was he faking? Is this a production set up? Of course it is. And it is working. Carly goes from practically refusing to stay with Evan to making out with him on his bed.

Bip Dead Fish
Just when I was feeling smug about calling the fake double date more interesting than the real one,  Lace, Grant, Izzy and Vinny go out to a foam party in a bar in Puerto Vallarta.  Travelers tip #1: When in Mexico, never leave the resort. Ever. So Lace and Izzy are laying on the floor letting random Mexican men hump them, and then decide to lay on the bar so their dates can do body shots off of them.  Travelers tip #2: when in Mexico do not draw attention to yourself if you choose to violate tip #1.  Some local girl came up to them and dumped a pitcher of water on Lace. Now we will get psycho Lace.  The girl and Lace try unsuccessfully to get at each other, because Grant protected her.

Nick has the sads because Josh stole his girl. TWICE. We see him strolling alone in the dark on the beach, while Amanda gets fingerbanged by Josh.  As Josh climbs on top on her Amanda says romantically, ” You’re so sweaty!”  This is something that Chris Harrison pointed out at the rose ceremony when Josh’s white shirt was completely soaked in sweat and he looked like he had just been hosed down, by Grant, his fireman friend.

The twins start begging Daniel for a rose. Jared and Caila are enjoying their time together. It’s truly paradise.

Which is a great time to send in Ashley, the crying psycho chick who is obsessed with Jared. She brings with her a literal tropic storm.  If she gets herself together, she would be PERFECT for Daniel.


Filed under Dumbasses, Entertainment News

17 responses to “Bachelor In Paradise Recap: Sticky Situations

  1. Dancing Matisse

    Josh’s tongue needs its own Twitter. I had to watch behind my hands while gagging and feeling embarrassed for Amanda.

    I remember thinking there were big red flags with how he spoke to Andi, that he would be an inflexible, controlling asshole. Guess my prediction came true.

    • Dede

      All the noise Josh makes while kissing and eating irritates me. I’m embarrassed for Amanda too!

      Evan is a mess. He is either getting a bad edit or he’s really immature and stuck playing high school games. I watched it this morning and though he was faking not being able to wake up, and I would agree that production probably had something to do with it.

      I don’t know who Ashley is, but based on TT’s recap I’m super excited to see the crazy storm she’ll create!

  2. Meri

    Beyond awful….beyond disgusting. Beyond anything resembling reality. Josh is nauseating. Amanda is an idiot (someone protect her kids). It was so awful that I couldn’t stop watching. Great recap.

  3. AKA Riley

    As for Josh sweating profusely….pain pills will make you sweat like that. Especially when you abuse them.

  4. lori

    Andi must be loving the book sales she’s gonna get as a result of this show.

    Josh and Amanda and nauseating, and not in that “cute” nauseating way. Those noises! Ick. I’m so sick of watching them make out. I don’t think I’ve heard them have a conversation besides the short one about Evan and the book. Then again, I guess we should be grateful for every second we’re spared from having to hear Josh talk.

    Poor Evan. I have to peek at the screen through my fingers whenever he’s on. Carly is too much.

    Can’t wait for Ashley’s return to paradise. I found the previews interesting that she said that she and Jared saw each other off and on after filming last season. I wonder if that’s true or if that story’s fake (production’s idea).

    God I love this show!

  5. Kiyoshigirl

    It’s obvious to me that Josh and Amanda are being paid to mash face 24/7 this season. Otherwise she would not tolerate the copious amounts of sweat pouring out of that man’s flesh. In fact I think she’s being paid per make out scene. Just how long can a couple make out without taking it to the next level somewhere private, and they haven’t shown them close any doors. Their “relationship” is totally scripted and she probably has a Valtrex prescription on hold at the local farmacia.

  6. BeetsWhy

    There is one verbal trend that I would like to obliterate. 20 something woman who insist on pronouncing the word cute as kyut.

    It makes me cringe every time they do that…and I deduct ten points from my perception of their IQs.

  7. Alexandra F

    Going to Mexico in 3 weeks Tamara! First time going with my husband for a friend’s wedding all the way from Australia. I want to leave the resort though and see the place :(

    • tamaratattles

      I know you do. I travel solo so I certainly would not. But if your husband is big and scary… lol. Mexico is one of the places I decided not to travel by myself. It may have changed, and it varies wildly by state, but I’d suggest enjoying the resort. I get wanting to see the real country, I’m the same way, but Mexico has lots of travel advisories last time I looked. Don’t bring expensive jewelry. Try not to look rich if you leave the resort.

      I have a bad habit of going to Bachelor locations, St. Lucia, Curacao..etc so Puerto Vallarta is sort of calling my name. Let me know how the trip goes.

      • Alexandra F

        Husband is Tongan so a big teddy bear but looks intimidating to most. We will be in Cancun, Playa del Carmen & then Mexico City and have all inclusive resorts to keep us busy most of the time but I want to see all the ruins, pyramdids and cenotes. I am actually more worried about hubby in US as we fly in to LA for a few days first and I keep joking he is going to be racially profiled when we arrive and he better cut his hair as its become a curly fro at the moment lol.

        I will have to leave all the jewellery at home though as I wear a lot of gold that I don’t usually ever take off .

      • tamaratattles

        me too on the gold you never take off. I will babysit any gold bangles! I take mine to the bank and feel naked on vacation but it is fine to buy jewelry there even just touristy crap. I have lots of silve that I never wear that I sometimes switch over to.

  8. El Chapo,s son and 4 others just kidnapped near Bachelor in Paradise

    • tamaratattles

      Alexandra, Playa del Carmen, Cancun and Mexico city do not have any specific warnings are travel advisories by the US government. However there is an overall suggestion in Mexico not to do any intra city travel at night and to stay in tourist areas. You should be fine with your fine Tongan. :)

      I just went to confirm that the kidnapping happened near Bachelor in Paradise. You are correct. the restaurant where the kidnappings occurred were about 44km down the coastland. Less than an hour drive. WOWZERS. Back on my no go to Mexico plan.

      Jalisco: Guadalajara, Puerto Vallarta, and Lake Chapala are major cities/travel destinations in Jalisco – Exercise caution throughout the state, particularly in rural areas and when using secondary highways. Defer non-essential travel to areas of the state that border the states of Michoacán and Zacatecas. The security situation along the Michoacán and Zacatecas borders continues to be unstable. U.S. government personnel are authorized to use Federal toll road 15D for travel to Mexico City; however, they may not stop in the town of La Barca or Ocotlan for any reason. Use of Highway 80 between Cocula and La Huerta is prohibited for personal travel by U.S. government personnel. U.S. government personnel are prohibited from personal travel to areas of Jalisco that border Zacatecas, and are prohibited from intercity travel at night. Please see above for general conditions for travel to Mexico.

      Americans are asked to defer all non-essential travel to large parts of the following states: Coahuila, Michoacán, Nayarit, Sinaloa, Tamaulipas and Colima, where violent and powerful drug groups control parts of the territory and often engage in battles with rival gangs and government forces.

      The warning asks Americans to exercise caution in parts of Aguascalientes, Baja California (North and South); Chihuahua, Durango, the State of Mexico, Jalisco, Morelos, Nuevo Leon, San Luis Potosí, Sonora and Zacatecas.

      There is no advisory for the remaining 12 states, plus Mexico City, the nation’s capital.

      • tamaratattles

        BTW, I love when we get off on interesting tangents about real life even when talking about the stupidest shows.

  9. BeetsWhy

    Question for jewelry wearers…I have always worn fake gold, diamonds and silver when traveling. Even that got to be a pain so now it’s Claire’s and no worries…if you want it I’ll be happy to throw it out there for you to chase! This was a very hard lesson learned in, of all places, Newport Beach, go figure.

    • tamaratattles

      You don’t want to get stuck up for fake shit either. I wear nothing and then I start buying trinkets wherever I am. I have this great rock necklace on ribbon that I wear often at home that I bought in Paris at a Christmas booth. Cheap silver from Mexico, cool beads and beaded stuff from the Caribbean, etc. And none of it sets off the metal detectors! You get the best quirky statement necklaces on vacation. Go naked.

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