I don’t always post about the Tuesday night shows because the last Tuesday show was kind of boring but on tonight’s show, Ashley I, the world’s oldest virgin, comes back to cry her way through another episode and ruin Jared’s chances with Caila and people seem to be taking bets on whether or not Evan will live or die so, I mean, this sounds fantastic.
So Ashley I. comes back and immediately flocks to Jared who informs her that he is “hanging out with Caila” and we are off on the express train to Crazy Town and Ashley I. has purchased all the seats. Sidenote: I grabbed the local train out of Crazy Town today, and well, so far, so good. Back in Crazy Town Ashley has a long conversation with a rude parrot. I had totally forgotten that Ashley will sit and have a conversation with the wildlife for hours. And not in the totally sane way in which I discussed the abnormal nipple placement of a Chinese Olympic Diver today with Banjo, today. Ashley is already threatening to go home. But first she goes to confront Caila. Apparently Ashley and Caila were friends prior to Paradise and Caila promised that she was not interested in Jared. Jared tells Ashley to ask Daniel. YES! That would be a perfect match! And for once, Ashley actually listens to Jared! Bye Sarah!
Ashley brought with her within minutes of her arrival a very bad storm. Her date card said something about sacrificing and it is pouring rain with tons of wind and lightning. Production would have requested this weather for this date if they could have, because now it is even more ominous. The two go together to this place that looks like a giant Mayan Tomb with huge carvings that is part of some resort. No sooner do they sit down to dinner alone in the crypt than Daniel says, “So I heard you were a virgin, is that true?” #KanookianKlazzy Daniel’s next overture to his virgin is to say that he swings both ways but only on Fridays and he has his eye on Nick. Ashley says Jared would be a better choice. See? I knew these two would be fantastic together! They bond over a conversation about Jared. Ashley tells Daniel that she is the crying virgin. The whole virgin thing turns Daniel on. It’s Kismet!
Meanwhile back at the ranch, Jared and Caila are hanging out listening to the downpour of rain and getting to know each other. Jared is worried that Caila will become even more hesitant now that the crying virgin has arrived.
This date just keeps getting better. During dinner an entire tribe of Mayans arrive in full native attire and warpaint. A few of the guys surround Ashley and pick up her chair by the legs and carry her out while screaming, “We sacrifice the virgin!” She is screaming and Daniel just sits at the table watching the tribe leave with his virgin. This is hilarious. I wish more of you were watching this show. After everyone leaves, Daniel just shrugs and pushes up to the table to finish his dinner. Virgin Smergin.
The next we see of Daniel’s damsel in distress, it is the next morning and she is crying with the twins. Ashley tells us, it can’t get much worse than this, unless somebody dies. As it turns out, Ashley that could be happening very soon.
But first, we need another lady in the pond. And that lady is Jen from Ben’s season. She isn’t very memorable, or as Calia so kindly put it, “She might be remembered as the more reserved one.” She was sent in to keep Nick around. Her date card is for yacht trip. Daniel offered to pay Jen to take him on her date. Because, Daniel.
Dead man walking, Evan has a visit from the medic despite feeling fine. The medic wants him to go to the hospital for his swollen ankles. Really? The fatal illness is too much salt in the margaritas? He decides to go because he thinks he can get Carly to go with him. And she does. There is absolutely nothing wrong with Evan, and yet he is going to the hospital in the back of an ambulance with the sirens blaring. The “medic” puts a fake IV in his arm while squirting some ketchup in the crook of his arm. Again. Hilarious. Once in the exam room, Carly asks if she can look inside Evan’s ear with the official ear looking into thing. She peers in and exclaims, “Oooh that’s so weird!”
Yes Carly this whole thing is weird. A man stands around with the heart shocking panels in his hands laughing. The “medic” concludes her exam with the following diagnosis, “Okay, you are a good couple.” Carly suddenly has “seen Evan in a new light.” One fake ER trip and it’s true love. I don’t even have time to type, “cue the cheesy love story music” before the first big crescendo.
Nick and Jen have a great first date. The location for the first kiss scene was a beautiful secluded beach. The only problem was there were hundreds of aggressive crabs that sort of ruined the moment even when they tried reshooting it in the shallow waves.
Next we see long amounts of footage of Ashley I. sobbing a snotty sob while perfect little Caila stands three feet away watching. We hear Caila in a confession saying basically that Ashley I. has cast a storm over her relationship with Jared. Nope, not scripted it at all. Later before the rose ceremony Caila tells Jared that she is guarded because she doesn’t want to end up like Ashley I. But she doesn’t want mean that in a bad way. Because Caila is a super nice person.
Ashely I. does another ugly cry embarrassing plea for Jared to choose her. Jared says he just doesn’t want to be there anymore. But he does. He will choose Caila and Daniel will choose Ashley and Sarah and the twins will go home.
Also next week, perfectly sweet little Sarah will break Jared’s heart. And some of those quieter couples have issues. Like Tizzy, or Fizzy, or whoever.