I’m not sure I am ready for the housewives to return, but ready are not, here they come. Tonight we return to RHOOC.
This new girl Kelly really seems to know how to play the game. She’s not clinging to Meghan to defend Meghan from all the backlash of her Nancy Drew act last season, she is branching out and building alliances in her new role as Vicki’s number one minion. I’m happy about that. So we start with Kelly dropping by Tamra’s house. Tamra’s already drinking and chatting with Kelly about the Insemination Party tonight. Kelly explains to Tamra that Shannon set her up at the Mrs. Roper Party. Tamra, shit stirrer extraordinaire delivers her line from production with glee, ” That girl at the party thinks you suck dick to pay your bills.” Is that girl going to be an FOH to Shannon all season? Will I have to remember her stupid name or can we just keep calling her “that girl”?
Tamra calls Meghan about Vicki being at her Insemination Party and Meghan has a meltdown. She doesn’t want Vicki at the party. Tamra tells us that Meghan said it was fine the day before, but if that is true, why did she call Meghan and ask her again the next day. This was a poorly written scene to foreshadow Vicki pissing off everyone at the party. This pisses Tamra off.
Meanwhile at Vicki’s house she is ignoring her dying daughter and flogging the children. Oh wait, no. No she is not. She is having a lovely family dinner while Briana whines about how difficult the renovation of her house is. It’s always a good idea to renovate a home while you have serious medical issues in your life. Aren’t there supposed to be two boys? Did someone eat one of her young? Vicki wants a new husband. She wants a younger one that she can have sex and travel with. This seems like a good idea to me. Briana wants her to get back with Don.
Meghan goes to holistic doctor who has a wall full of degrees, one of which is M.D., but he is very out there. Shannon recommended him, obviously. Shannon and Tamra both show up to his office which is apparently in a fitness center. He was at the Mrs. Roper Party and they start the trash talking of Vicki. Shannon is furious that Vicki is coming to Meghan’s party. Shannon is being such a hypocrite about this since she invited her to the Mrs. Roper Party. Tamra says she is just doing what Jesus would do because she’s a spiritual gangster.
Vicki goes to Kelly’s house on the beach and takes the elevator up to the fourth floor and can’t get out. These scenes with Vicki and Heather provide a lot of much needed comic relief. Kelly shows Vicki her elaborate wine bottle opener and some other kitchen gadgets, and then neither of them can figure out how to use a bottle of peppercorns from the grocery store. Kelly tells Vicki about that girl saying she was a prostitute. She says it really pissed off her husband and Kelly texted Shannon saying she’s going to hire a lawyer to sue her (the girl) for defamation.
Shannon calls Tamra about the defamation text. Tamra planted the seed and now she wants to stay out it and watch things germinate. Shannon is pissed at Tamra now.
Meanwhile back in the kitchen with Kelly and Vicki, they start talking about David and how he was so aggressive with her. Production replays Kelly saying he looks like a pedophile. Kelly and Vicki talk about his wonky eyes and Kelly says Shannon kind of has them too. They are made for each other. And then production does a side by side screenshot of them both screaming with their eyeballs bulging out. I’m gonna guess production doesn’t like them either.
Vicki and Kelly sit down to eat the healthy dinner of roasted salmon, cauliflower and asparagus. It looked great, but I remember seeing Kelly cutting up whole heads of garlic and wonder what she was going to do with them since she didn’t peel the cloves. Apparently it was for the tiny amount of cauliflower she made and it was way too much garlic according to Vicki. Personally, I’m not sure there is such a thing as too much garlic, but you do have to peel the cloves or just buy it minced in a jar like I do. Vicki says she is going in on David Beador the next time sees him. And then says he is scary. If a man is scary Vicki, you avoid him. You don’t poke the bear.
The Insemination Party at the Sushi Place
I find it weird that Tamra is filming with Sarah, her daughter in law that keeps having police issues with her son. Vicki brings Meghan a gift and another apology. Everyone is bracing for war. Meghan is being inseminate with two embryos. After chatting about impregnating Meghan for a bit, Kelly chimes in and wants the fake psychic guy to come read everyone. That guy, Scott doesn’t even pretend to be a psychic in real life, just on the show. The should get the kid from E! who has his own show dazzling celebrities with his conversations with the dead. The fake psychic said Meghan would only have one baby.
Kelly starts to rant about that girl. She’s drunk and sweaty. Shannon opens her stupid little mouth and Kelly tells her to shut the fuck up and calls her a cunt. Kelly is way over served, sweating like someone who sucks dick to pay her bills in church, and begins sobbing hysterically. Tamra says if you are going to dish shit out you have to be able to take it and Kelly loses her damn mind. Tamra asks if the lies that girl told affected Kelly’s life and she screams at Tamra, “Yes you dumb fuck!”
Heather, sensing she is getting zero camera time at this clusterfuck, jumps up and says she is not doing this, goes on a sanctimonious rant and appears to be leaving. Then it seems she realizes that is counterproductive to her maximizing her screen time, so in a bizarre turn of events she throws Kelly out of the party. Kelly looks at her and says, “So you are the boss?” Heather storms off dramatically and Tamra and Shannon scamper after her. Heather screams at Tamra, “I have four children, a husband and a very nice life!” Because she hides that information so well every episode. Every decides the party is over and heads out to sit outside on the curb with Heather. Heather continues her rant to Vicki and oddly points to Shannon and says “No matter how much I love this one, I told her that the way David spoke to her was inappropriate and the way Michael spoke to her (Shannon) was inappropriate.”
Vicki is calmly applying lip gloss as everyone is going nuts around her. “I’m not going to go there,” says Vicki. I think the plan was for her to go there but drunk ass Kelly too things to a whole new level. Then Heather does a 180 on Vicki and tells her she has a lot of things to apologize for as well. Heather is ranting just like Kelly but without all the bad language. Speaking of Kelly, she apologizes to Shannon for calling her a cunt. Tamra thinks that Kelly has anger from a bad marriage and gets drunk and takes them out on others.
The show ends with Heather crying to Terry on the phone in the car home, while Kelly does an impression of Heather for Vicki and Tamra at the Sushi joint. Both scenes are PRICELESS.
Next Week: It’s a vow renewal for David and Shannon. The bad news is we have to watch. The good news is that is the first harbinger of divorce.