Yikes! I had to endure two full minutes of Botched before this show started and now I’m not sure I will see the end of the show. I’m not really sure that I want to watch this show. I find Aubrey O’Day to be even more hateable than Brandi. I feel bad that Pauly D hooks up with her and is still seeing her. Although Brandi and Calum seem to have some sort of a thing going on, they live on separate continents so it’s not that serious. But they do text a lot.
The new shrink is Dr. Darcy Sterling. She dresses a lot like Brandi, I’m just pointing that out already. She greets Brandi first. Brandi says she got a divorce because her husband like a variety of pussy an not just one. She says she is still single because she sabotages relationships when the guy gives any indication of cheating. Who knew I had something in common with Brandi? Except for me, it’s not just cheating. It’s lying and betrayal of any sort.
Next is Jessica White. I have no idea who she is but I always think it is funny when black people have the last name “White” and when white people have the last name “Black.” She’s a “supermodel.” I also feel like supermodels must be just gagging on their geritol at this young crop of women who all claim to be supermodels. She seems like a starfucker.
Aubrey O’Day is the first and one of the few people I have ever written a HATE POST about. It was very popular. She ruined her season of Celebrity Apprentice.
Next is Somaya Reece. I have no idea who she is. Apparently she is on Love and Hip, Hop. I never got into that show because of the violence. It’s probably tamer than RHOA by now though. She looks like a scrapper.
Pauly D was the only redeemable guy on Jersey Shore.
I didn’t even recognize Josh Murray. My DVR did one of those things where it stops and starts a whole new recording so I missed most of Pauly and Josh’s interview. He is from The Bachelorette and was the winner during Andi’s season. They are both from Atlanta. Word on the curb was he was just as douche who wanted to be on TV. His brother is on now, and Jo Jo seems very smitten with him. NO SPOILERS PLEASE!
Willis McGahee is apparently a former football player. At least he admits he is a cheater right off the bat.
Calum Best is gorgeous. He’s a reformed playboy and former model.
The four ladies are seated across from the four guys for a round of speed dating where we learn that:
- Brandi has worked with Calum on a modeling gig and fucked all of her friends.
- Pauly D hasn’t had a girlfriend since high school.
- Josh hasn’t had a relationship since The Bachelor
- Willis has 8 children by 7 women (he asks us not to judge him. Too late!)
- Audrey decides that Willis’ spawning abilities mean he has a lot of money. She’s so dumb.
- Calum is an American with a Madonnaesque British accent. He’s lived there a lot longer than she did.
- Somaya is from El Salvador yet speaks like a black gay man from Atlanta.
- Jessica said something about French women not dating but preferring group outings.
The first one on ones with Dr. Sterling let us know that:
Pauly D is a good guy. He doesn’t date and never meets anyone except at after parties after he DJs. He hooks up with lots of girls but it’s more like sexual release than any sort of dating pool. This explains why he thinks dating Aubrey is okay.
At the first mixer we learn that:
- Brandi brought her vibrators and lingerie with her because it’s a long two weeks.
- Somaya calls Brandi ” very mediocre” and “A typical type of basic chick”
- Somaya and Aubrey both seem jealous of Brandi. She has captivated Calum already.
- Aubrey says, “I had to reduce my mind a lot to converse with her.” Aubrey is way dumber than Brandi.
- Somaya literally strokes her long cheap weave as she talks to men. With both hands.
- Somaya talks about how she has so many groupies and how hard that is
- Josh is equally as shallow as Somaya, they should hook up and make beautiful retarded children.
- Willis hits on Jessica HARD CORE
- Jessica is not interested and seems very quiet and so far well-mannered.
- Brandi doesn’t want any more kids but she can’t stand that her boys are growing up
- Jessica is very kind to Brandi
- Brandi’s last boyfriend still loves her but he cheated and her kids don’t get on with him
The crew goes out to a bar two undercover dating coaches have been planted and we learn that:
- These fools LOVE shots!
- Aubrey tells Brandi that Willis has the biggest dick she’s ever seen (she was staring though his pants earlier)
- Willis talks to a blond woman (probably a coach) and immediately asks her to join him in the bathroom for some fun.
- A hot guy (COACH ALERT) shows up with a bottle of champagne for all four ladies.He engages Aubrey. He was the perfect guy but Jessica wasn’t about to let the white chick have the hot black guy so she dragged Aubrey away from him.
- Brandi tells a cute mechanical engineer (that’s a panty dropper for me) that she is in real estate and Pauly D and Somaya try to throw him out of their VIP because he is wearing a pink shirt. Then a very drunk Pauly points to his shoes and starts screaming, “WHAT ARE THOSE!” and pointing at them.
- Somaya tells the guy to “please get the fuck away from their table!” Brandi is actually embarrassed for the guy and mad at Somaya ad Pauly D. She wanted to talk to the guy.
- Brandi apologizes about Somaya and Pauly to the poor guy profusely.
- Outside, Brandi tells Somaya (like a normal person, not like Brandi) that it was not acceptable to treat people she is speaking with like she did.
- Somaya goes bat shit and starts ripping off her coat to fight her!
- Brandi stands right up to her and says “Are you going to take your earrings off now? Is that what is about to go down her?”
- HUGE DRAMA VERBAL WAR and Somaya throws a hand at Brandi which she grabs and taunts her about. Brandi wins!
- Calum calms Brandi down but can’t wrangle her into one of the limos.
- Somaya screams about scary assed white bitches.
- Brandi screams, “I’ll beat the fuck off that cunt”
- I love this show
- I may be a Brandiloon
- Brandi tries to squash things at the house. Somaya tries to escalate and bring in Pauly D. Brandi says, “I know you think you are famous, but I don’t have any idea who you are, and you can’t treat people like shit!”
The Group Session where he night before is discussed occurs. The Doctor is pissed that a fight nearly happened on night one. Here we learn:
- Somaya tells the Doc that she was only trying to help the guy out. What a liar. She told the guy to get the fuck away from the table.
- Calum has only split from his last girlfriend four months ago
- Willis will fuck anything that moves
- Josh is a dick
- Aubrey is a nutcase
- Somaya can’t get a man
- Jessica doesn’t put much out there. She has a part time lover in a fulltime world
- Brandi continues going back to old relationships that don’t work because it’s safer.
At the end they were introducing the coaches. I hope it was the pink shirt guy. But I think it was the hot black guy with the champagne and the blonde that Willis wanted to screw in the bathroom.
I was not very optimistic about this show. But I like it. I was not planning on liking Brandi, but so far she and Calum are the best two people on the show.
Whatever. I have a right to change my mind.