Real Housewives of Dallas Recap: Guess Who’s Not Coming to Dinner?

RHOD Cast

Real Housewive of Dallas, in which a StreetCar in Punched, A Real Barbecue is had, and my new favorite character emerges

By Xanadude

Last week I peppered my recap with Aaron Hendra (excuse me The Aaron Hendra Project) lyrics.  I’m not subjecting myself or you to that this week.  I spent the week listening to a lot of Prince, so, by comparison treacly pseudo Christian soft rock did not hold up well.  Maybe next week.  But not now.

We pick up right as LeeAnne is storming out of the cocktail party – incidentally, it was held at Stephen Pyles Restaurant, which has since closed.  Too bad, as the food was good. I was tempted to print out a Family Circus style trail (you know, the one with dotted lines that shows you where Billy and Dolly and Not Me are going within the labyrinthian confines of the Keane household, all in one circle) showing exactly where Stephen Pyles is (was) on Ross and follow LeeAnne down the block to the Museum Bus Stop, then down the street following the Streetcar line, before finally following her into the Museum Parking Lot where her car was valeted, but that was an awful lot of work for such an awful little moment.  I trust I have painted a good picture though.  Although I would love to see LeeAnne drawn in a Bill Keane style. She such a Thel!

Anyhow (hey – the Ambien is kicking in.  It’s been a rough week), LeeAnne talking heads that she has two options: Cry or Kill That Bitch. Luckily, she takes door number 3 and ends up at a bus stop were we meet my new favorite character: random unblurred guy at the bus stop, who WHILE ALL THIS YELLING IS GOING ON, just shrugs and keeps texting. He may have been a production guy, but I like to think he was just some dude, waiting for a bus, and didn’t give this any notice because, hell, it’s Dallas and frankly every Saturday at 4:00 African Christian Nationalists are at the same spot protesting and yelling and playing drums (for real), so, No Big Deal.  

It's random dude!

It’s random dude!

Tiffany runs after LeeAnne and the emotions flip – LeeAnne is calm and Tiffany is yelling about what a great friend she (Tiffany) is and how LeeAnne doesn’t appreciate her.  Just as Tiffany calms down, LeeAnne takes offense at being told “not to do this on camera,” and flips out on Tiffany and the camera guy.  Dude is still texting away.  Tiffany runs the block and half back to the bar.  LeeAnne begins to storm off.  A streetcar passes. LEEANNE PUNCHES THE FREAKING STREETCAR before crossing against traffic and going into the bowels of the parking garage (she obviously valeted her car and now doesn’t want to wait in front of the cameras for the valet to return it).  The ladies back in the restaurant bray and cackle and everyone pretends they got their dresses ruined by thrown wine. We dissolve to the sounds of Cary cackling.

The “next day” -again, Bravo time is relative to your plotlines – it’s Stephanie and her doughy husband Travis’s seventh anniversary.  Stephanie feels she let her cash cow hubby and his cash cow business down by putting herself in a situation that would bring shame on the family bidness.  No, the shame would be in signing up to be the Gretchen on a Real Housewives show.

LeeAnne and Rich converse about whether LeeAnne should call Tiffany.  Aaron and Tiffany converse about whether Tiffany should call LeeAnne.  No one calls anyone but they will be meeting “later that day” at a charity clothing drive.

By the way, LeeAnne and Tiffany call each other “Fi,” pronounce “Fee,” as in “Fee Figh Fo Fum, I Smell Brandi drinking Rum.”  They don’t explain why, even when I asked nicely and played dumb on the Twitters.  It’s cute and fun and we’re just going to let these ladies have it.  They obviously have a real friendship and have mentioned they’ve fought before and made up, just never so publicly.

RHOD Leeane
At the clothing drive (for Legacy Counseling Center, which benefits HIV positive women – good charity – I’ve supported them myself), LeeAnne does something that will make TamaraTattles VERY happy and slams Michael Kors for not knowing what a large size woman is.( Au contraire mon cher, Michael Kors makes the best fat girl jeans ever.)  Her feelings are still hurt and she’s a little surprised when Legacy Lady tells her that Stephanie dropped by for a tour of the house/center.  This happens JUST as Tiffany shows up and the ladies don’t speak. Tiffany is hurt again, as she claims to be LeeAnne’s “No Matter What/Ride or Die” Chick.  LeeAnne talking heads about her abandonment issues and how she felt Tiffany didn’t have her back and she doesn’t “do hurt.”

You know who DOES speak? Cary, who is also dropping off donations and beelines to Tiffany.  LeeAnne leaves alone. Cary gets some digs in to Tiffany, who realizes who her real friend is and starts to defend LeeAnne.  On the way home, in her car, Tiffany calls Fi and asks to meet for lunch.

Sidenote: it was nice to see HWs not causing a scene at a charity event.  Take a lesson, other franchises.  You don’t fuck up someone’s charity event for your petty high school squabbles.

Meanwhile, in Brandi’s storyline, we learn she regularly bribes her kids into behavior (Pavlov! Ruff Ruff!) and that she herself “would do anything for a bribe.”  She and her mom are preparing for the estranged Grandfather visit by drinking huge goblets of wine and bemoan that husband Bryan is “gone on bidness.”  He’s “gone on bidness” a lot, y’all.  Like, A LOT and may miss the initial moment of contact with Estranged Grandfather (who will now just be called EGF for brevity’s sake).

RHOD Stephanie

Travis takes Stephanie in their Rolls Royce to deBoulles to blah blah blah product placement look how rich we are we are buying million dollar jewelry blah blah blah I used to ride a lawn mower blah blah blah look at me now.

Dr. Mark, Renaissance Man, apparently also cooks.  He also should be the Real Housewife on the show, not Cary, who actually says as such.  Dr. Mark is appalled that Cary’s dress was ruined by LeeAnne’s wine (it wasn’t – it was Stephanie who got splashed, but Cary wants a new dress) so he used it a an excuse to go shopping (he does all the shopping for his wife’s clothes) and buy her a new dress.  They also talk about going to Switzerland for the summer, we see a child that may or may not be theirs but who Cary is determined to raise multilingually by sticking her in a country that speaks five languages, include Swiss-German.  Dr. Mark mentions that he plans on sending Cary two months earlier than he and that he will send her some little fox gloves to keep her warm.  Cary feigns disgust that an animal would be used in this way and tried to analogize a baby fox with the baby human they have in the house, but it all become muddled when Dr. Mark wants sexytime.  Dr. Mark is a horndog who is apparently planning on sending his wife away for two months to another country on the pretense of looking for summer houses.  Who knows what he plans on doing in Dallas while current dress up Barbie wife Cary is so far away?

Brandi’s storyline is actually kinda touching, so no snark.  EGF and his current wife show up and, thankfully, ask for wine to drink (there was some harrumphing before their arrival that they may be teetotallers).  It’s all very sweet as they all get to know each other and Brandi suddenly, Pinocchio like,  become a real girl to the viewers, with thoughts and opinions and feelings, y’all.  There was a funny (for me) moment when everyone hold hands to pray before dinner and one of Brandi’s daughters is seen scampering in the background, obviously not in the Jesus circle.

Sidenote: are the Farmers Only Dating Ads local or national? (National, find me a farmer!)

In a throw away scene, Cary self administers Botox, which I think is illegal.  She then does Dr. Mark because he’s been frowning lately and she didn’t fix him up this much for him to be frowning.

LeeAnne and Tiffany meet for lunch and make up.  Unlike most HW shows, the two actually really apologize to each other, and spell out what they are apologizing for, and promise to work on it.  Tiffany is also beginning to see some of the other girls behavior to LeeAnne as bad.  LeeAnne says she has moments when she’s Christian Christian Christian Christian then CARNEY!  Tiffany says she’s half Japanese and half Native American and that she’ll scalp you then go all Mr. Miyagi.  They both laugh and the audience does too, because it seemed like a real moment among friends.  Although we will always treasure LeeAnne punching a streetcar.

The next scene – DON’T JUDGE ME – shows Brandi and Stephanie doing something I’ve done many a time before -NO JUDGING! – which is sitting on a trampoline and drinking wine.  It’s fun. Stop those looks.   Now that EGF has been introduced, it’s on to Brandi’s NEW storyline, which is her crumbling marriage to Bryan.  Brandi is having a barbecue for her whole family to meet EGF and invites Stephanie and Travis.  Brian should be home from bidness by then, she says….

RHOD Brandi 2

At the barbecue – which is an actual honest to G-d real freaking barbecue – everyone is there and happy except for Bryan and Travis.  Stephanie spills that the guys are out golfing and drinking and should be there in five minutes.  From Brandi’s face and dialogue you can tell she’s genuinely hurt – she really thought he was in town and was going to be there, but, instead of coming home after his flight got in he went golfing and drinking.  They show up and Bryan is not only drunk, but ignores his wife in front of her entire family.  It was seriously one of the most awkward and uncomfortable things to watch – he really and truly totally dismissed his wife’s obvious excitement and happiness at her family reuniting to the point where the EGF looked uncomfortable.  It was horrible, and, in a franchise that includes Brooks Ayers and Slade Smiley, Bryan may just vault to the top of Most Awful Husband on a Real Housewives show.  Brandi says he sleeping on the couch tonight through tears.

Next week: Bryan is horrible, Dr. Mark is skeevy, Rich continues to have the best head of hair on TV, Keith Suburban’s accent goes in and out, and I realize the husbands are much more interesting than the wives.

42 Comments

Filed under Entertainment News, Real Housewives of Dallas, RHOD

42 responses to “Real Housewives of Dallas Recap: Guess Who’s Not Coming to Dinner?

  1. Whyowhy

    OMG, Keith Suburban. Hahahahaha!! I die.

    Great recap. I still hate LeeAnn.

    • Meredo

      Watched for the first time and already hate Leann, and yEs that husband (don’t know his real name) looks just like Keith Urban. Great recap as always Xanadude, I now need to go read your other ones so I can know who’s who in this franchise.

  2. Cherry Bomb

    Ok X Dude ….Gretchen Rossi or Gretchen Weiners ? Oh hell what’s the difference at this point. As always fan girling everything that comes from the X Dude recapping experience. I’m still trying to watch but Lee Anne and Brandi are not fun or interesting enough to keep my toddler attention span on this show. I wanted to like it …. I really did says the Houstonian with fingers crossed behind my back. But bless their Big D hearts.

  3. mary

    Great recap! Wow, brand’s husband goes golfing & drinking BEFORE seeing his family after a business trip AND comes home loaded! That marriage is in serious trouble. And explains why Brandi is such an awful person on this show. I can’t excuse leanne behavior but I really cNt stand the rest of the cast.
    Cary is a horrible beotch. Stephanie husband is gross. Stephanies husband made sure he married a wife he could be in charge of and who wasnt too bright. Keith Suburban ROfl.

    • Billie_bee

      Is that why Brandi so awful, because of her husband? I wonder if Brandi is just a dumb box of rocks who hasn’t evolved passed the girl he knew in high school and that’s why he drinks and is away so much. Either way, it’s sad to watch.

  4. I’ve been enjoying this show, but not sure if it’s the show or your recaps? Lol! I hate to say it this way, (it’s early and I have no words yet), but unlike Potomac, this franchise seems more “authentic.” There’s plenty of scripted fakeness, but you’ve captured the essence of the “real” dynamic on here….the Fi name…the doughy rich husband….the failing marriage etc.

    Great recap!

  5. Cheychey

    I really wanted to punch Brandi’s husband thru the TV. She was so excited to share this experience with her family and her husband. Now the the she can remember about it is how her douche bag spouse embarrassed her in front of her family and friends. I just can’t with LeeAnne. I find her do inauthentic. If she evolved herself heavily in charity because she was a champion of the causes then I might think better of her. I really think it is a ploy by her to social climb. She finds her self worth in having the wealthy and elite like her.

  6. CeBreez

    Didn’t Dr. Paul Nassif inject his own Botox on RHBH years ago?

  7. Miguel

    I actually felt bad for Brandi! Also, starting to feel that Stephanie may enjoy one-upping Brandi. She must know the state of her marriage & seemed a little satisfied at Brandi’s BBQ, and other times.

    I still fast forward any scene with Cary or Keith Urban, if most of the cast is not included. I’m just not that into them!!! If it weren’t for the recaps and commenters, I would feel that Bravo’s offerings for the 2015/6 seasons of HW was an utter waste of time.

    Thanks Xanadude for your tireless efforts!!!

  8. jessica

    I had no idea that dropping off clothes to a charity qualified as a “charity event”. the way these women went on about showing up somewhere and dropping off clothes for 5 minutes drove me insane. Based on this criteria I have apparently been to many “charity events” at good will and book drop offs.

    Leann is horrible and has no sense of perspective – she is losing her shit (see what I did there?) over a prank, storming all over dallas yelling at people in a way that I certainly would not want a rep of my charity doing. it is however nice to see a genuine friendship on the show.

    • Xanadude

      I THINK we caught like a ten minute snippet of a several hour event that involved people dropping off supplies and the volunteers sorting them for shipping. Doing the grunt work counts as doing charity work, although just dropping off the clothes does not. In my opinion, at least.

  9. I really hated the first 2 episodes of this show. All the poop and LeeAnne was just too much. For some reason I kept going back and I actually like this epi. I home I am not hooked on another HW show. I still can’t stand LeeAnne. She is a grown woman explaining away bad behavior due to a less than perfect childhood. Get over it, put on your big girl panties, get whatever help you need to readjust and take responsibility for who you are.

  10. Xanadude

    I honestly cannot take credit for Keith Suburban – there is a gentleman on the twitters who live comments on the show as @MrKeithSuburban who is funny as hell.

  11. BroMo90

    I felt bad for Lee Anne. I don’t like when anyone is ganged up on. Even if I hate someone, the moment others start hating that person on my behalf, I’ll immediately start taking up for them. Brandi’s husband seems like he really doesn’t want to be on camera, which is odd to me since he is apparently in real estate. Couldn’t he benefit from having his company/listings featured on the show? Something seems off to me about that.

    • Amy Lou

      I googled Bryan and he’s not in that kind of real estate. He’s doing commercial work, mergers and acquisition stuff – pretty interesting actually. I’d probably separate myself from that foolish girl and her tv show, too, if I were him. I wonder if he’s hanging on for the kids at this point? Returning from a business trip and heading straight to the club without even texting as much to the wife is pretty crummy.

  12. noellemybelle

    IMO Bryan is just another husband who doesn’t want to be on the show. He seems uncomfortable speaking in front of the cameras and not at all interested in this “little reality show” his wife is on. I imagine he will spend as much time away as possible during filming because it’s just not his thing. He’s not Terry Dubrow, Brooks, Peter, or Joe Gorga who loves the camera time and will play it up for the camera. Clearly they have some struggles in the relationship, so why anyone would agree to have them highlighted on television.

    I must be the only one who likes Cary. Hell, I wish my husband was rich, and spoiled me, cooked dinner and purchased me gifts and clothing.

    • Xanadude

      I really dig Dr. Mark, it’s Cary I have the issue with. She said several times how she methodically plotted to make him (married man, remind you) her husband, and then how she remade him into HER ideal husband. That’s some calculating shit there.

      • Miguel

        Here, here Xanadude & now she seem to be plotting Leeanne’s demise like a good little shit stirrer. Perhaps, she should borrow Brandi’s hat?

  13. If I were married to Bryan I would also day drink as much as I could and dance with strippers as often as possible. He is miserable to watch so I cannot imagine what it is like to live with him.

    When husbands get this bad they need to hear – shape up or you will be getting divorce papers.

    She seems to be a single parent anyway so just have him pay up and move on. She cannot possibly be any more miserable than she is if he says no to shaping up with perhaps marital counseling.

    I actually look forward to the recap more than the show :)

    • Xanadude

      I’m wondering if its a chicken/egg thing: which came first? The husband ignoring her or the drinking/acting out?

      • jen

        Yep. My thoughts exactly.

        Reminds me of Jeanne Konig (can’t remember her name) on the original OC housewives’ husband. He was a dick. She, didn’t however act like a 15 year old drunk girl on tv.

        Huge red flags on Brandi’s parenting. Sad to say but that marriage is over!

    • therealdeb

      Or it could be that her behavior has pushed him away. Hell I live in a small logging town and if i behaved like Brandi my husband would probably be out the door.

  14. Dracla Dunning

    I adore your slant on this franchise which I’ll read several times for the entertainment factor. Love a man with a sense of humor.

  15. Xanadude

    LeeAnne and Tiffany were at a local gay club (The Brick) last night doing a live commentary/viewing party that was streamed. Apparently it was well attended and the ladies have a good sense of humor about themselves. Incidentally, The Brick is very Housewives friendly – they hosted Erika Jayne concerts a few months back as well.

  16. Laura

    Random Guy is also my favorite! I was like WTH is this guy doing??? Looking at the pic you posted, it looks like his hat says “Valet”.

  17. 3Sweeties

    Brandi reminds me of a young child who hasn’t been properly guided, and acts naughty to get attention.

  18. bella

    it was uncomfortable to watch Stephanie tell Brandi about their husbands getting a drink…so much real pain in her face. Reminds me of Vicki and Don many seasons ago on RHOC, how embarrassed Don was of how Vicki treated him.

  19. ILoveUnrealityTv

    Xanadude’s recaps are what TT’s used to be like (if not better). Nicely done.

  20. Mstahdah

    Poor girl, I hope she got on this show as a means of making her own money and a life after her husband leaves her. I hope the show gets renewed and she can figure out a business to help her maintain her lifestyle. Her husband has checked out and isn’t kind enough to fake it for her family or for the cameras.

  21. Gabriella

    Brandi’s husband is a wanker – there is obviously no love between either of them. Brandi, if you are reading this, get a divorce and start again – you are young enough – you deserve better.

  22. Did I miss it – does LeeAnn have a job that pays a salary – I am not saying that to be mean – I know she works doing charity work – I am trying to distinguish what I am asking.

    She said previously she purchased a home with her boyfriend so she must have income or at least assets. And she mentioned she had been a model. I just wondered what she did or what she had done that allowed her to spend so much time volunteering.

    I know some people have made fun of her house – I think her house is nicely decorated on the inside- the front could use some landscaping but I am a flower and plant nut so I usually think that. If she can afford to not work (salary job) and have the nice home she lives in and do the charity work she is obviously passionate about then good for her.

    Do I think she is a bit of nut job – yes- but I do admire her good deeds.

    • jen

      I also wonder. How does planning charities give her a salary? Very confusing.

    • Xanadude

      LeeAnne has appeared on several reality shows, but for quite a while was a model and actress (Remember in Miss Congeniality – the contestant that made balloon animals? LeeAnne. She was also in several national commercials) and has invested well. She’s not as rich as some of her costars, but she’s making more than most of us. Definitely more than me.

  23. Olivia

    Who is Xanadude? I miss Tamara’s recap (: Not feeling the “ambient kicking in” write up, all over the place and without Tamara’s distinct writing style it was a let down to read…

    • Xanadude

      Xanadude is a one of several Contributing Writers to TamaraTattles.com and regularly recaps Vanderpump Rules and Real Housewives of Dallas. Thank you for asking and Bless Your Heart.

    • tamaratattles

      Who is Olivia in dis world? And why is she insulting my writers who have actual jobs and give of their free time to write recaps for this site?

      Xanadude on the other hand is a Dallas local with inside information whom we are lucky to have here at TT.

      Olivia, please head on out into the Internet and find a site more suitable to your needs.

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