Real Housewives Of Dallas: Poopy Pants?

RHOD Cast

By Contributing Writer,  Xanadude

In honor of D Magazine reviewing Aaron Hendra’s album, Octobersong, and giving it this stellar review: “Why would anyone try and sound like this?”  which caused wife Tiffany to respond in the comment sections “Bless your heart and thank God there’s MUCH better journalists in Dallas too! May the toxicity you all put out from D Magazine come back to bite you hard 1000 fold. That calls for a double bless your heart.” I’m going to be interspersing some song lyrics from “The Aaron Hendra Project” throughout the recap.  He apparently likes to be called “The Aaron Hendra Project.”  Bless his heart.  Any time you see (Quoth the Hendra…) you’ll know a song lyric is to follow.  Fair use invoked.

Brandi and Stephanie

We are a mere 15 seconds in before Brandi awakes her child with poop talk.  The child, and the audience, asks her to stop.  They have several pets, one of whom is a dog they haven’t gotten around to naming yet and another is a bunny the kids with which the kids have tried to suffocate their sleeping father.  Bryan is going to be “busy” all day (Quoth the Hendra: This old ragged heart too frail to fight) as Brandi and the kids go on a road trip (four hours each way!) to visit Stephanie’s family in Oklahoma.  At Stephanie’s, one of the dogs is allowed to be off leash and starts running away from everyone (I would too if I had the choice, but the radiator chains only reach so far), but, as we were reminded when the kids went driving off in a toy car last week, this is a GATED COMMUNITY and nothing bad ever happens to stray pets and free range children in gated communities.  Brandi and Stephanie finally get everyone packed and the whining and crying (among the kids) immediately starts.  Brandi and Stephanie look as if they are not capable of dealing with kids, pets, or even reality without being drunk.   The trip is miserable for both the participants and the audience. (Quoth the Hendra: what were you thinking what was I thinking/where were we running to nothing but blue sky)

RHOD Mad Hatter 2

The entire purpose of this trip seems to be production driven so that Brandi’s sad and fractured family can be contrasted against Stephanie’s Pentecostal close family, who still eat every meal together and who’s matriarch has never had a sip of alcohol.   Brandi immediately does something that we have not seen her do before – she matches her action to suit the situation so as not to offend her hosts and acts appropriately.  She’s CAPABLE of it, y’all, she just doesn’t WANT to do it when in Dallas.  She even throws in “Yes Ma’ams” and “Yes Sirs” and keeps the poop jokes to a minimum (she does ONE while making deviled eggs, but a side glance from Stephanie’s mom shuts her up).

Stephanie takes the trip to reminisce about growing up in a Christian small town where no one cared if you wore your pajamas to Wal-Mart (forgetting the difference between people not caring and people just waiting until you are gone to talk behind your back) and that she used to sneak alcohol from the local liquor store/tanning salon.  Her growing up Pentecostal explains a lot – while home she’s the good girl, while in Dallas, she’s not.  She has a moment of clarity when she says that she feels guilty for all the things she has, because “I don’t deserve the things I have because I haven’t worked for them,” which last exactly until she hits the Red River and is back in Texas.  We briefly see the ride home as the ladies quickly revert to drinking and poop talk. (Quoth the Hendra: so many days but still no end to see/battleships and flagpoles they might win a war/but not the war in me)

At home, a solo Brandi (no husband? No kids? Where DO those kids go?  Are they even real or just vodka induced shared hallucinations?  They only exist when she’s concentrating on them, like The Scarlet Witch in West Coast Avengers during John Byrne’s run (Look it up.)?, “decides,” in a totally unscripted moment, to call her estranged grandfather “for the first time” and invite him for a visit.  The scripted conversation is awkward but we learn the grandfather was a pro football player (what with her being a cheerleader, they have so much in common, y’all).   She “Yes Sirs” to him, showing, again, appropriate behavior for certain situations, so there’s hope. (Quoth the Hendra: sometimes love’s a curse and it tears your heart It’s no one’s fault but the feelings start again)

RHOD Leeanne

LeeAnne

LeeAnne meets with Heidi Dillon, founder of the The Fashoinistas to discuss Heidi’s participation in an event for HIV positive women.  LeeAnne says she can never say no to charities that involved pets, women, or HIV. So, you go LeeAnne!  She later meets up with FOHW Marie (who is apparently angling hard for a regular spot on the show) and Tiffany and they discuss whether LeeAnne will be ok around the larger group after the Mad Hat Tea Party chair incident.  LeeAnne says she’ll be fine, but the others had best not provoke her.   Oh LeeAnne, never say that around a woman angling to be on your show full time, because, as we shall see, that planted a seen in Marie’s brain that will come to fruition over this episode and next.

Cary and Tiffany

Cary and Dr. Mark are flirting with one of their female assistants over a breast lift.  Dr. Mark is ready for some sexy time but Cary blows him off for yoga with Tiffany, but not before more sexytime talk is bandied about.  Keep reminding yourself that Cary’s been married three times, that she stalked Dr. Mark before snagging him into a relationship and giving him a makeover to meet her needs, and now is brushing his requests for sexytime off.   He has other assistants, Cary.  That’s all I’m sayin’. (Quoth the Hendra: Lonely days will come and go but when you find your love you know.)

By the way, everyone is so focussed on Brandi and LeeAnne but no one is noticing how horrid Cary is. Seriously.  Keep your eyes on this one.   She’s a pistol.

Cary and Tiffany go to yoga.  Tiffany is out of practice cuz she’s been in LA for 12 years.  Cary, however, “can bend, stretch, and contort herself into a pretzel,” leaving Tiffany to wonder if THAT’S why her marriage is so successful.  Which marriage, again?  Oh yes, current one to Dr. Mark.  (Quoth the Hendra: It’s bad but it’s my weakness I’m not lost but I can’t keep this devil down or tell it no)

After Yoga, they talk about LeeAnne.  Cary is REALLY horrible about it, saying LeeAnne is a nobody (false), that you have to be BORN into Dallas society (false), that nobody likes LeeAnne (false), and that the Charity Ladies are just using her (false).  Tiffany still wants discount plastic surgery and new friends, so she mugwumps around before growing a spine and defending LeeAnne.  They are looking forward to the Happy Hour to sort things out.

Happy Hour High Noon

Everyone is show getting ready for this.

Incidentally, I can walk to the venue the Happy Hour is at from my home.

Tiffany beelines to Brandi to do…something? I can’t figure out what it is, beyond “I want to be everyone’s friend and that includes LeeAnne.”  She’s the Kandi in the group, able to float about between everyone, stirring the pot while someone above it.  Cary comes up to LeeAnne and her (black) friend Erica and pretends to throw punches.  What Erica’s facial expressions during this and subsequent scenes.  They are gold.  Erica needs to be a full time HW.  Trash talk is occurring from all sides.

Marie has invited “the one man who can join our group,” and it is someone who’s name I will not sully this recap with.  He was previously on The A List:Dallas and was presented there as a truly vile human.  Word on the street was he eventually calmed down and wasn’t as bad as he was portrayed, but tonight proves that you can’t go by word on the street.  After joining Brandi’s group, he makes a point of saying that LeeAnne is horrible and that Marie said she once was so drunk she crapped her pants.  Brandi starts laughing hysterically and using menopause jokes.

RHOD Brandi

 

Everyone is eventually gathered together.  Boytroll leaves the scene but Marie is front and center to gleefully witness this (even go so far as to say she LeeAnne really aren’t friends).  TIffany tries to broker peace.  Brandi escalates it by retelling the pants story (even she won’t say his name – or, more likely, he literally just popped up, said his story, and moved on without introducing himself), causing LeeAnne to go into full HW mode, and throw a drink (but just the drink, not the glass) and stalk out of the restaurant. (Quoth the Hendra: I love it when you breakdown/that’s when I start to breakdown/

feeling like I just might drown).   Several times, it seems, as if she went first to Erica and then outside.  She is followed by Tiffany.  Stephanie is personally offended because her shoes got a little wet.

Next week:  LeeAnne does the ONE THING HWs are not supposed to do and breaks the fourth wall.

51 Comments

Filed under Entertainment News, Real Housewives of Dallas, RHOD

51 responses to “Real Housewives Of Dallas: Poopy Pants?

  1. Lime Brain

    I haven’t watched this episode yet, but is the no-name man once a contestant on the bachelorette? I remember a very horrid man that was from Texas on that show.

    Btw, great recap! Actually makes me want to watch the show. :)

  2. Katherine 2.0

    Brilliant recap. I love the insidery extras, and the treacly drivel posing as lyrics from the AHP. I watched the first episode of this, but you are convincing me to take a second look. I will still hate myself in the morning, but at least I had a laugh. So…thanks?

  3. Auntie Velvet

    I have a feeling that Xanadude is becoming the only recapper who seems things from Leeanne’s POV. I don’t get that at all, but at least it’s a fresh perspective!

    I think a couple notes about Brandi are a little off, though. Did she actually bring up the pants-messing incident directly to Leeanne? I didn’t see that. And I don’t think she was actually “pretending” to spontaneously call her grandfather — just noting that now that the time to call had come, she was nervous.

    • Snowflake

      I caught that as well. Very in the L camp…..seems like a true friend.

    • TheArtistFormerlyKnownAsYoya

      So far I find LeeAnne and Tiffany the most likeable ones on the show.

      • I guess you could say that I grew up in society, I was born to it anyway. Women like LeeAnne WERE scorned but used. They were tools for the ladies who were too busy to do the work but who felt they needed their names out there in the charity circles. LeeAnne is what happens when too many polite society women have told her how wonderful she is. The over-inflated ego will be crushed and she will be put in her place. It’s sad, but I’d bet it’s true.

      • alex1986

        I like Leeann too. (So far anyway!) She gets a little cranky sometimes but I do have to say Brandi’s poop hat was ugly and tacky. I think Brandi likes to be the center of attention at all costs no matter what it’s for. I like Stephanie too.

    • Miguel

      Ok, Auntie Velvet – I see you prefer the shit perspective (no pun intended), as that’s all Brandi’s about!!! Personally, I’d take ANY perspective over that, including those of Brandi’s & Stephanie’s kids; but to each his/her own…

      • Xanadude

        Auntie, at some point TT is going to have to school people on how the reality show sausage made, but, any time a phone call is made releases have to be signed beforehand in order for the conversation to be recorded for broadcast. There are usually several practice phone calls before the one filmed.

    • Auntie Velvet

      Sorry not to be more clear, ‘dude. I didn’t mean that I actually thought it was spontaneous — I get all of the pre-arranging. What, did you think I was from Plano or something? 😉

      No, I just meant that it didn’t come across as one of Bravo’s trademark, “Hey, I have an idea — I’ll suddenly to XYZ while fully miked and made up!” Rather, she only remarked that she was nervous about the call.

      • jen

        Her meet her Grandfather story line is to keep the eye off her reality of a crappy marriage in my opinion. Not to insult her it’s just what I see.

        The phone call seemed very forced. Also when she talks to her husband her viuce gets very low, she en seems awkward and it seems forced

  4. WhyOWhy

    I really dislike LeeAnne. If you want to be respected, then be respectful.

    I’m also over the poop talk.

    I say that I’m done with this show, but we all know that’s a lie. Dang it!

  5. Tonya Stice

    The potty talk is beyond juvenile and tired. I like watching shows for the glamour, the homes, clothes, interesting personal lives, etc. This show is the trailer park version of RHOBH. It’s just too painful to watch anymore. It’s a bunch of wannabes who all think they are much more attractive and entertaining than they actually are.

    • Tigerlilly

      PREZACTLY! Even getting through the recaps of it is painful and Xanadude is all levels of awesome as a writer. I’m just struggling HARD to give a shit about one single person on this show on any level! Casting FAIL by Bravo.

  6. TheArtistFormerlyKnownAsYoya

    Funny how those housewives who are aging the worst love to make menopause jokes. LeeAnne looks incredible at 48. Brandi, it’s called moisturizer and everybody needs some.

    • Lindsay

      So frigging tired of the menopause thing, and it is always some haggard “young” woman (Brandi, for example) who throws it around. Those with glass tampons should tuck their strings…or something…

  7. Miguel

    Great recap, Xanadude! Totally agree with your Cary comments – liking her & Tiffany less with each passing week. I hope Tiffany’s husband can take the criticism, especially after he so harshly critiqued Leeanne & suggested his wife find new friends. Perhaps, he should find some new songs or a “House Husbands” show???

    If this season doesn’t improve quickly, I may soon be as indifferent to this cast as I became with Potomac!

  8. Laura

    I’m looking forward to the day when we can finally flush the damn poop. It’s been circling the bowl for three episodes now. It is stinking up the joint

  9. Suzanne

    Does Leanne do her makeup in the dark or did she learn how to do makeup from a carny clown? Her blush application is so embarrassing. I really like Cary and I think her dry humor is hilarious! It might not be translating well on the show, but I think it seems like she and her husband have a wonderful, fun relationship! As for her negative comments about Leanne, didn’t Leanne already talk about how Cary “stole her husband from another woman” and other pretty horrid stuff? If someone said that about me, I wouldn’t have much nice to say about them either. Also, people don’t watch RH to see poor social climbers living in rented townhomes in Las Colinas like Leanne. It’s absurd that Leanne is even on this show. I get that other franchises don’t really showcase the real members of “society” because none of those types would deign to join this kind of show, but at least pick people who are rich. It’s just sad to see this phony suburban “society” BS stamped with Dallas. All of my friends and I who are from or live in Dallas are so embarrassed by this show.

    • TheArtistFormerlyKnownAsYoya

      I don’t know, I think “stealing” your husband from another woman is worse than saying you stole your husband from another woman. Assuming it’s true…

    • Dee

      I understand, I’m in VA and am embarrassed for the state of Texas. I thought Potomac was bad.

  10. Auntie Velvet

    Miguel, I don’t particularly like Brandi. I guess I “prefer” her to Leeanne to some extent, but that’s a pretty low bar for me.

  11. KaraW

    Nice job on the song lyrics! That was a great addition to the recap! I couldn’t follow this episode very well. It seemed chaotic, but maybe I was just distracted. I sometimes have the same problem with RHONY because it moves at a faster pace and I’m usually checking email & facebook while trying to watch. Thus I appreciate the recaps even more.

  12. bluesuedeshoe

    Loved the recap. Do other newbies have trouble remembering names and faces when a new series starts? Tamara, maybe you’d consider putting up a facial/name image guide in the headings?

    • Xanadude

      It’s not you. I recap the show and if Stephanie and Tiffany aren’t explicitely named it takes a few minutes for me to realize who is who based on their conversation topics.

      • bluesuedeshoe

        Whew! Thanks, you’re the recapper, LOL. Always looking for those early dementia signs here and they all look alike in the beginning. I guess sorting them out is half the fun.

  13. bellabee

    Brandi is like a porcelain doll that might shatter into a thousand pieces at any moment. Seems like she is barely keeping it together. It’s sad to watch.

  14. jen

    Leeannee is just horid. Brandi does talk about poop way too much but I can attest as a mother of two toddlers poop comes up A LOT. A lot. I don’t discuss it all the time though. I like this show but I sadly do not see it succeeding.

    Your recaps are so good. I absolutely love them!!!!

  15. Mark

    So I just decided to watch that “A-List” nonsense to see why The Gay With No Name is so universally hated. Was it just because he pushed those guys in the pool at a party? That guy was annoying. I would’ve pushed him in if I was drunk enough.

    They all seemed like equally awful people. And some slightly racist?

    Also it seems that when people from Dallas are gay, they’re REAAAAALLY gay. Even the “straight acting” cowboy definitely had a bit of a limp wrist. #nocampsnofemmes LOL!

    • Mark

      OH MY GOD IT’S SO BAD. It’s so bad it makes me not want to stop watching!!!
      They are all truly awful. All of them. And weasely. In Scotland we have a word, “sleekit,” which would describe most of them. But I digress, Housewives. They, too, seem to all be cunts. Apparently “society” in Dallas is going through a dry spell, be it gay or straight.

      Their idea of what “society” is is a TEENSY bit ridiculous, too. Who the hell takes plastic poop to a charity event anyway? Gross. And Brandi, what’s up with wearing the same pink eyeshadow at 6am as you do on a night out? Either 1. you’ve passed out on the sofa drunk, 2. you have not removed your makeup for at least 24 hours, or 3. you think that a Barbie-pink tranny eye is suitable attire for the school run. None of these things are compliments.

  16. Lindsay

    HEIDI DILLON FROM THE FASHIONISTAS
    Will there be other Big Rich Texas cast members making appearances too?!

  17. jen

    It made me sad that they had to put the bunny on sleeping Dad to get attention (as Brandy pointed out). Kids that age will do things to get attention anyway and push boundaries to see what they can get away with, but it made also sad that she was just telling him hey we are going on this trip tomorrow…..it was just as awkward when he said two words to her barely talked to the children then said he had to work and his flight was at 3 and walked away. Its like he makes a rehearsed meet with the family for 2 minutes then done.

  18. jen

    Also is Brandy doingthis show so she can lose custody of her children because if ao she is succeeding. The maybe wine in the sippy cup scene made me cringe and I like Brandy.

  19. jen

    *if so

    Stupid tablet

  20. therealdeb

    I think It is possible Brandi never matured beyond middle school and poop talk, she is extremely immature and insecure and it shows in how much she drinks and her interactions in dealing with other adults. Stephanie is just a not too bright woman who ahs gotten by on he looks and her husbands money. I think Leeanne is the most real person on this show and that is really sad, we all know a Leeanne in our towns who are supporting every charitable organization out there. The woman sure seems to have passion for the causes. Cary should be mindful of how she is appearing on this show and what she has alreadyn said about her husband and marriage, she is in the public eye with his practice and she is making it look tacky and trashy. Her husband is a jewel! Brandi’s husband has got to be ashamed of her antics on camera…

  21. mary

    Great recap again!
    Cary- yuck. Total turn-off. How embarrassing for her husband the way she talks about him!
    Tiffany- on the downhill slide of awful. Plus she making the wrong move trying be friends with everyone.
    Brandi- the poop talk is stupid & gets old REAL fast. She is annoying
    Stephanie – I liked the family scene. When she was around her family I could feel the love & it brought out the best in her. Brandi brings out the side I don’t like.
    Leanne- on the fence. I hope she is playing up the story – line for her own gain.
    I’ll keep watching & reading the recaps

  22. AustralianFanofTT

    Can’t stand Leeann .. She is such a bogan .. For someone to think they are such a socialite well ..she ought to know how to pour a glass of champagne and know that the word is “suCCeed” not “susseed” which of course is not a word

    • tamaratattles

      I had a principal who could not pronounce succeed or success and these were his favorite words. It was one of many, many reasons people hated him.

      • Mark

        Is it an Atlanta thing? I noticed that Ken from PRAS pronounces things the same way as some of the RHOA. Like “aSSessories.” Surely a designer should know how to pronounce accessories?

    • Xanadude

      No, the really said “secede,” as in Texas voting to longer be a part of the United States, which, sadly, is a real thing. Isn’t ever going to happen, but lots of talk and puffery about it every election season.

  23. ?okay, now I am going to record this show ~ groovy recap, Xanadude?

  24. BroMo90

    Stephanie is my favorite! I think she’s sweet, funny and just likes to laugh. LeeAnne is batshit and I love her for it. Brandi would annoy the shit out of me too, if I were her. Tiffany seems like she got nervous when everyone started having problems with LeeAnnne. Like she thought, if LeeAnne was kicked off the show, she would be too. So, she started trying to befriend everyone else (a little too desperately) in an attempt to secure her spot and support her husband. His highlights can’t be cheap.

    • GIA

      I think LeeAnne is getting a bad rap. Sure she can be annoying, because she takes herself a bit too seriously, but I find Brandi to be like one of those nasty quiet types, who is use to being a bully but gets a pass because she’s petite and quiet.. Meanwhile Tiffany, early on is so desperate to fit back into her old Dallas digs, she’s willing to throw her so-called friendship with LeeAnne under the bus. Clearly, Tiffany is a fair weather friend when she gets around the other women. NOT COOL TIFFANY!! Cary just comes off as SNOB who likes sneering at others… and can you say FAT SHAMING? What she said about her own husbands weight was mean. She also likes helping to stir the pot with Brandi and LeeAnne. Stephanie just seems like a good person – but honestly, I think she places too high a regard on her friendship with Brandi. Notice that Brandi will say sublty insulting things about Stephanie during the out takes??

  25. Puddy

    I did not want to watch this show, because, tacky and boring, but my friend said to try. Sooo.. I like LeAnne but cannot stand Brandi ( who looks the the demon attorney from “The Devil’s Advocate”) and most of the women have so much plastic surgery that it looks like you could cut yourself just kissing them let alone trying anything else. Brandi’s turd hat and turd chair was vomitous — and NO would not be acceptable in either NYC or Cali. Just gross and every other word out of her mouth is “if I were a lesbian” —- just come out, and maybe then you will stop being so horrible. I should have followed my inner voice— not watching this again. Soooo dumb.

  26. Oh GAWD I can’t believe that obnoxious queen from A-List Dallas is back on my TV. I wanna punch him in the face.

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