The Real Housewives of Dallas Recap: “She will fart on command, and I will dance in her fart”

RHOD Brandi

 

By Sometimey Intern Ben C.

Let’s getting the premiere of the newest Real Housewives franchise.

First up to bat, Brandi. Her voice is equal parts lovely, and slightly annoying. She’s been in Dallas for fifteen years. According to Brandi, fashion is one of the highlights of living in Dallas. I’m sure she’d love the annual Posche Fashion Show up in Jersey. Brandi started as a Dallas Cowboys cheerleader when she was twenty-one years old. Which is actually very impressive. She’s now married (Bryan) and has two kids (Brooklyn, and Brinkley.) The Kardashian Effect is real, y’all. Bryan is apparently gone 90% of the time for business. Brandi justifies this by saying he really wants to be a billionaire by the time he is forty. And here begins the classic ‘absent husband’ housewives storyline.

(Side Note: is anyone else really NOT digging the new font this production team decided to go with? I know this show was originally slated as ‘Ladies of Dallas’, and it looks suspiciously similar to the Ladies of London fonts. Not the vibe.)

Next we meet Leeanne (whose parents, for some reason, decided to spell her name with two E’s) and Tiffany. I love that Tiffany is credited as ‘Leeanne’s Best Friend.’ They shop together in what looks to be the ‘Posche Boutique’ of Dallas. Leeanne may very well be the delusional one(s) of the bunch. She’s never been married, but has a police officer boyfriend of many years. She actually admits on camera there are Dallas billionaires, millionaires, ‘pretend’ millionaires, but she falls somewhere below all of them. Leeanne says instead of donating money to charities – she ‘volunteers’ by making calls, and connecting the charities to people with big money. She also says there are HUNDREDS of charity events in Dallas each year, and you can’t be caught in the same dress twice. Now we see where all that charity donation money is going. Tiffany calls her the ‘Mayor of Dallas.’ Leeanne was raised as a carny-kid (PUH-LEASE can we have a parent cameo this season?!) which she says prepared her for living in Dallas. I’ll be taking bets in the comment section on how many teeth her dad still has. (No shade – I’ve absolutely seen some FINE ASS carnys in my day. In that gross, sweaty, unshowered, dirt under the fingernails kinda way. Who knows/cares if they had teeth or not.)

RHOD Brandi 2

 

Now it’s time to throw Cary into the mix. Cary’s husband (Mark) is also her boss. She’s a nurse, he’s a plastic surgeon (good job, girl!) and she works at his practice. Cary was married twice before her current marriage. According to Cary, the three essentials in Dallas are: a great handbag, a great pair of shoes, and a great pair of boobs. I’d say she’s probably right. She’s throwing an upcoming jewelry trunk show to benefit a breast cancer charity she works closely with. Cary makes a comment to her husband in the operating room about not wearing underwear. Just the vibe to set for someone who’s about to go under anesthesia for a breast augmentation. Towing a fine sexual harassment line.

Later, Brandi is on her way to her ‘best-friend’ Stephanie’s house. What is with these credits?! #shadebybravo. They immediately crack open a bottle of wine, which Brandi justifies by reminding us all Jesus turned water into wine. Hence the name: Jesus Juice. According to Brandi, it’s suitable for all times of day. THESE are the type of Christians I can get down with. Praise Him! Stephanie actually has to “work” for her husband’s money (housework) so, naturally, she’s invited Brandi over to help her. They end up having a bit too much Jesus Juice and can’t figure out how to program a garage door opener. I love them so much already. Brandi gets super cute describing the friendship – she literally describes her friendship as too much Jesus Juice, peeing in the bushes, Stephanie farting on cue, and Brandi dancing in the fart. I LOVE THEM.

Stephanie grew up in a super, super Christian family in Oklahoma. Like, no dancing allowed super Christian. She met her husband after a night of too much Jesus Juice (literally her words) and they made out the entire night. They went on a second date the next night, got hammered for a second time (again, her words) and made out all night, again. Now they have two kids, and probably on the verge of an unhappy marriage. Stephanie admits she knows she’s not the ultimate type of girl her husband would like. He wants someone like his mother – Type A, a Betty Draper type. She’s too silly, and can fart on command. Her husband does have nice, big Juicy Joe arms – so I’m going to let it pass for now. She lives on the golf course at the Four Seasons. Is this actually impressive? To have your house built on a golf course of a chain hotel?

 

RHOD ldf

 

OH NO, now it’s time to get to know Tiffany. I’m writing this after watching her entire intro, and never have I EVER disliked a housewife more from only a first impression. First off, she’s married to Keith Urban. Oh wait, his name is Aaron. He’s an Australian musician, with a highlighted, frosted tipped, butt-cutt. Baby boy, Keith Urban can hardly pull off that hair style. Chop that shit off. I’m currently fantasizing about buzzing all that hair off while he’s sleeping. Tiffany moved back to Dallas with Aaron/Keith, after living in Los Angeles. She claims she was working steadily in the “modeling and acting scene” – and living “that life” of coke, cristal, and private jets. She woke up on a bathroom floor (probably of a Super 8, or Motel 6) and realized it was time to leave it all behind. Tiffany’s delusion clearly explains her friendship with Leeanne.

Later, it’s time for Cary’s charity event. She’s using her house (how #RHOP of her!) to host the event, and selling jewelry from a local designer to raise money. All the women are there to support the charity. Brandi and Stephanie consume a bit too much Jesus Juice, and the rest of the ladies take note. Leeanne is particularly upset, and makes it very known. She comments it’s “getting a little Plano in here” – I’m sure the people of Plano, Texas will love this comment. Especially coming from a fucking former CARNIVAL KID. #GoHomeLeeanne.  Sadly, it looks like Leeanne is going to be the buzzkill of the season. So far it’s been non-stop talk about etiquette, without actually using the word. Leeanne is to Dallas, as Karen is to Potomac. Or however those things work. I did real bad on the SATs. Shit, I still can’t even get over those two E’s in Leeanne’s name.

Another day, another charity event! Brandi and Stephanie get together to essentially pregame for the event later that evening, hosted by a friend of Leeanne’s. Brandi pours each of them way oversized glasses of white wine, and they discuss their developing beef with Leeanne. Both the ladies each know Leeanne looks down on them. Brandi has had to reintroduce herself several times to Leeanne. Brandi does a semi-funny impression of Leeanne, that (unbeknownst to Brandi) Stephanie has spread around to the other girls. I genuinely don’t think she did it to be malicious, she’s just that type of girl that likes to “have fun.” Cut to one of her sons throwing dog poop in the swimming pool, and the other wetting his pants in the backyard and taking them off after he’s finished. I think they’ve learned how to behave from too many Jesus Juice sessions. Cut to me never being a parent.

 

RHOD Leeanne

 

At the event, all the ladies arrive and begin to mingle. Tiffany hasn’t had garlic bread since 1989. Coincidentally, this is the year I (and Taylor Swift!) was born.  Cary makes it known to Brandi she’s heard about her imitation of Leeanne, and wants to see it. Brandi refuses because, obviously, Leeanne is 10 feet away. I really can’t believe the first major conflict/storyline of the season is about a damn IMITATION. Although, I’ll take this over faking cancer any day of the week. There are a few speeches made, during which Leeanne catches the holy ghost and lets all her praises and exclamations be known. She nods feverishly, and chimes in with audible noises and words of agreement and encouragement throughout. After the speeches, and an awkward turf-war exchange between the ladies. Leeanne/Tiffany make it known to Brandi they’ve heard about her impressions, and wants to see them in person. Brandi and Cary cling together awkwardly. Stephanie’s all in the back like “I want to have fun! Brandi’s funny!”

Brandi seems to feel bad about the situation, and pulls Leeanne aside to talk privately. Either my acid trip just kicked in, or this show just flipped the script – Leeanne is being a grown ass woman and apologizing to Brandi. Leeanne says she “gets” who Brandi is, she understands her style of humor and thinks it’s great. Brandi seems to have forgotten the whole imitation conversation 3 minutes before, and brings up a whole new topic – she tells Leeanne straight up, she’s worried about her, and her behavior. Yas Brandi. Apparently, at an HIV/AIDS event a few weeks prior, Leeanne decided to share her life story with the crowd, because it “inspires people.” This woman is a trip. She’s clearly only involved with charities to boost her own name/presence and cares nothing about the actual charity involved. I keep seeing glimpses of likable Leeanne, but unfortunately they aren’t sticking yet. I’d like to see Karen from Potomac slap her across the face with her ‘Book of Etiquette.’ Leeanne takes it as Brandi calling her life pathetic. I don’t see the connection myself, but at this point I’m charity-ed out. Brandi continues to come for Leeanne, calling her out on all the expenses going towards event spaces, food, alcohol, etc. for the events should really be going to the charities. I’m no expert, but any charity events I’ve ever been associated with, things like that are donated because it’s – you know, charity. I semi-agree with Leeanne that it takes these things to make people like Brandi interested to come to the events in the first place. Leeanne tries to knock Brandi down a few pegs by reminding her she’s new in the Dallas charity world, but Brandi quickly reminds her it’s only because she’s been raising two young children at home for the past few years. Snap. And with that, the battles lines are drawn.

I’M INTO IT!!! HOW ABOUT Y’ALL??! Which side are you on? Should we start a weekly recap poll a la Watch What Happens Live? (I’m coming for you, Cohen.)

Find me on Twitter! @bennayy

54 Comments

Filed under Real Housewives of Dallas, RHOD

54 responses to “The Real Housewives of Dallas Recap: “She will fart on command, and I will dance in her fart”

  1. I wanted to like it…I really did, but the story lines are just too paper thin. On top of that, Brandi and Stephanie are one part cute and 3 parts annoying. Leeeeeanne is dark muddled forest green with envy that she can only live that lifestyle vicariously through a bunch of highbrow handshakes. Naw…I’m going with a no, but I’ll check in with your recaps though.

  2. Cat

    This show sounds like fun. The way Housewives used to be.

    A Carny that follows the rules of etiquette? Really?

    Brandi and Stephanie sound like fun. I hope they can keep things light, and not get too catty. (My apologies to cats everywhere.). :)

  3. 3Sweeties

    I’Its going to take me a minute to sort all the brunettes out. They’ve all been botoxed into sameness. Brandi and Stephanie are Dumb and Dumber but I suspect Brandi is the former of the two. The charity-obsessed one… Leeanne? Is clearly wildly jealous of Dumb and Dumber and isn’t even trying to hide it!

  4. Jaana

    OMG this was horrible! I felt like I was watching Bad Girls Club or something! Ugh these women seem really immature with high school brains. Fix it Jesus!

  5. Linda

    The Byron Nelson golf tournament is played on the Four Seasons golf course, so yes it is very prestigious. Just a bit of Dallas info for you, no shade intended.

  6. Gapeachinsc

    I’ll check it out, Ben. You’ve got me curious. I recorded it but then deleted. I’ll get caught up. The ex-carny one may be interesting…they sound messy.

  7. JoJoFLL

    I’m wondering why LeeAnne is on this show. She doesn’t work so she and her boyfriend are living on a police officer’s salary. She’s also not married. She can’t afford the dresses for all of the charity events.

    Even vintage resale is expensive.

    I don’t understand her.

  8. Cat

    Hey, Ben C, what’s with this “Basically Useless” crap? We LOVE you, Ben C!!! <3

    • tamaratattles

      Cat that was all me. Ben put in something I forget now as his byline. He was pissed by my editing so I changed it. Ben will be moving on with his employment pursuits. Ben is an excellent recapper. He also is great at pulling screencaps and he puts links into his recaps. It’s a whole shit ton of work and I love him for it. But his actual job keeps him from being able to get things up as quickly as we need here. Sadly, some of the best interns have paying jobs that interfere with the whole chained to the radiator experience.

      I do have an applicant pool and next week we may or may not see someone new who may be tapped for another show once Xanadude returns.

  9. Nila

    I thought that was Eileen’s husband for a second…

    I tried to like it but cannot stand the snorkeling laughter.

    After Patomac, I cannot stand to listen to anymore etiquette talk or charity events!

  10. JoJoFLL

    Forgot to add, yes, the Four Seasons is extremely expensive and prestigious.

  11. Cheychey

    Great recap Ben. Covered all the bases. I’m in for the show. Had the same impression of the ‘fun’ girls. Brandi is my favorite as of right now. She knows how to have a good time.Think I will like the nurse also. Now Leeaane not so much. Get the stick out of your ass.

  12. BKSweetheart

    I watched it. I kind of like Brandi and Stephanie. Reminded me of how me and my cousin are – we’ve been best friends since diapers practically. When we get together its pretty much a non-stop giggle fest of inside jokes and juvenile, stupid sh*t that likely no one else would understand or even find funny. And thats while sober. Add some alcohol, and forget about it. So I kind of “get” them, minus the all the bodily function talk.

    I also liked Cary. She seems to be the most down to earth/normal of the bunch.

    Leanne seems like she’s batsh*t cray. I can’t wait to see how that one shakes out.

  13. Gracious

    The Jesus Jug Twins, oops I mean Jesus Juice twins are totally fun, don’t take themselves too seriously and are a bit annoying. Leeanne and Tiffany I don’t think I can stomach. Great recap, Ben. I’ll be watching but will probably be more interested in the recaps and comments.

  14. Mimi

    I actually got to watch the show before reading on here….yeah!!

    The women are beautiful and plastic, and cookie like all the other housewives.

    I don’t know why I am always in support of the underdog, but I suspect Leanne is going to be the villain of this show, but I get her. She is passionate about charity work. And like she stated she worked to earn her spot in their circle. People who do charity work tend to be very involved and love to persuade others to be or give.
    Brandi and the other friend (the farting and poop gang) are mean girls. Just mean and bored housewives with brains the size of a lemon. The scene with Brandi and Leanne on the couch was reminiscent of the movie Mean Girls.

    I read someone’s comment on here questioning why Leanne is on the show because she is not married and does not have the financial means to buy the clothes or live the lifestyle. It’s sad that you see it this way, she has a lot to offer even though she came from humble beginnings, and isn’t a common law housewife still a housewife?

    • Gabriella

      I liked Leeanne, she seems genuinely passionate about her charity work.

    • JoJoFLL

      I watch because I want to see the Lisa Vanderpumps driving the RR to the airport to private jet to Dubai. I can watch my neighbor drive his Honda to the mall anytime. It’s original premise was a look into the other side.

      • tamaratattles

        JoJo I hope that watching women climb into Ubers by Bravo and clamoring on to a Delta flight (at least it was Delta One) was sufficient for you.

  15. Auntie Velvet

    I’m always prepared for this franchise (and the housewives themselves) to be inflating their status in life; that’s a given. But even taking that into account, I wasn’t really expecting Leeanne to be living like Peg Bundy. And that boyfriend — talk about emotionally withholding! With all of this pretext and frustration, it’s no wonder she’s about to snap.

  16. Auntie Velvet

    Leeanne is living like Peg Bundy, and that cop boyfriend is so emotionally cold. Bravo always aids their delusions, but with all her pretext and frustration, it’s no wonder she’s about to snap.

  17. Gabriella

    I took to this series and the women straight away, whereas I still haven’t taken to any of the women on Potomac at all, even though I am still watching it. I did have to resort to Urban Dictionary however, to find out what a Carnie is!

  18. T D

    Is that how the Stanky Leg was born?

  19. Lori

    I’m into it too! When they showed Tiffanys husband, I thought it was Larry Birkhead! I literally asked my tv “what the? She’s married to Larry Birkhead? He got married??” True Story. Lol

  20. Miguel

    Thanks a mil for the recap!!! I’ve been particularly curious about others’ perceptions of RHOD, and was not disappointed!

    Brandi and Stephanie are a little too low-brow, immature and annoying (as annoying as the Porsha -Phaedra combo) for my taste. So I’ll fast-forward their scenes, unless your recap tells of something more than the words Jesus juice, fart or poop from these two.

    I like that Leeanne claims her income bracket… ahem, Sonja Morgan, Gretchen & Slade, Robyn of Potomac, et. al.

    As for the rest, I’ll wait and see…

  21. I went into this franchise full of hope and wanting to like it, and luckily I did. For now, I am liking the show yet am kind of out to lunch on whether or not which women I like. I’m cautiously optimistic on Brandi and Stephanie only because I’m a coward and don’t want to be the one who publicly declares that I do, only to get stuck on the “Hot Mess Express” train, destination loss of brain cells and/or respect from my peers here on Tamara Tattles, and guests contributor Ben. Thanks for the recap Ben, I’m glad TT has provided this forum and RHOD will have a home.

    My take on a lot of the “hundreds” of “Charity events” these ladies attend in Dallas remind me of the years I served time (I mean the years I was married) and had small children in the suburbs of Chicago, with too much expendable income and too little Mommy time. The difference was we called them Tupperware, Mary Kay etc… parties. Same atmosphere, wine, appetizers, gossip……no kids, bring your checkbooks, just no real good deeds were done. Same hangover, then husbands and kids were present at home in the morning.

  22. Xanadude

    Xanadude here:
    Personal priorities and adulting will keep me from recapping RHOD the first two weeks, so thank you to Ben for doing so until then.
    Couple of things:
    LeeAnne: I dig her. I’ve been at several of the events in which she participates, and, yes, she is the real deal. She works her ass off for several HIV/AIDS charities (three were mentioned this episode alone), and she really is that person who will do whatever she needs to do to make sure the recipients get the care they need. She fundraises. She networks. She sets up tables and swear to G-d the woman stays and cleans afterward if she needs to. She’s not a dilletante. She truly works hard and I get the impression that if you commit to her, she holds you to the same standard she holds herself. It’s not a Potomac/Karen thing.
    My high rise is in the opening credits and the title cards of the show. (Albiet quickly, but, yeah, its there) Wave and say Hi to me and El Esposo. It’s the polite thing to do. :-)
    The Four Seasons is not in Dallas. It’s in Irving/Las Colinas, which is a quick twenty minute commute. By the way, we judge how far things are by time, NOT by miles.
    Plano is a suburb of Dallas to our North. White flight produced Plano. The joke was funny and apt.
    I hope the Fart Tarts are a temporary thing, because, ewww.
    Since this was a general getting to know the cast ep, it was pretty much just an epilogue. Brandi came across as shallow, but I’m looking forward to getting to know the ladies.
    More annotations as time permits, including some history lessons for context, but I’ll be going full tilt boogie in depth come Week Three.

    • hazy77

      Fellow DFW resident here! You are exactly right about judging how far places are by time instead of miles. I’m looking forward to your recaps!

      Also, Tiffany’s husband reminds me of a Great Value Brand version of Keith Urban.

    • X:

      Eagerly awaiting your recaps of this. In the meantime, I just can’t with Brandi. Ugh.

      I was too through when she was counseling Leeanne to “be your own person” and “just be yourself”. Um, Brandi? Leeanne is just being herself, which is what you are mocking and criticizing for doing!

      A real Einstein that one is.

  23. Xanadude

    One other thing: Brandi says Leeanne bullies her. Having appropriate expectations of behavior is not bullying.

  24. crampina

    Can’t stand Brandi and Stefani gross and Hopefully they will be gone by next season. I like Leeanne. Xanadude who is that woman who lives in Highland Park that used to be a buyer for Neiman Marcus and married some rich guy? There was some scandal associated with her and she is a social outcast but the charity ladies come to her house every year to get her check. Can not remember her name. She needs to be on this show. Do you know who she is?

    • Xanadude

      I think you are referring to Angie Barrett. Her backstory is fascinating – Texas Monthly did a story on her called “Angie Barrett Does Not Use Butt Cream” in 2005 that told her story in a way that is pretty perfect. Her life since then has been…interesting.

      • JoJoFLL

        I just finished reading that story and it is indeed fascinating. I wonder why she isn’t on the show?

  25. So much better than Potomac! I can’t say I actually like any of them but the first episode was promising. Thanks for a fun recap, Ben!

  26. Cathyrid

    Anyone remember Big Rich Texas? It will be interesting to see if any of those ladies show up at the charity functions. I also have a faint remembrance of Leeanne showing up on that show. Anybody else?

    • Xanadude

      Big Rich Texas was incredibly offensive to me – everything was fake. The country club was a private club in Ft Worth, because none of the Dallas clubs would have the ladies as members or allow the shenanigans to be filmed there. The cast sued each other because none of them could keep their stories straight and ended up just flat out lying and slandering each other.

      The cupcake shop the daughter briefly worked in has pretty good cupcakes, though. Overpriced, but good.

  27. Bunniecarrot

    As a resident of the impressive west Plano I was offended by the plano comment ….then I saw Leanne’s home and giggled. My home is quite modest compared to Brandi’s but Leanne? Insert snotty giggles. Brandi’s impression of her was spot on. Charities are Leanne’s way to rub elbows with interesting people, and get away from her humble weird beginnings.

  28. Lisaj

    The most shocking part was in 1989 I was married and pregnant with my 4th child.
    I’m going to give this one a go! Good recap!

  29. Jim

    10% of the proceeds from jewelry sales go to the charity? That seems awfully low to me. I can’t imagine they raised more than $250, lol. Is that normal for these type of events?

  30. dee

    The one married to Keith Urban, sorry can’t remember name, failed to mention that her acting career is mostly comprised of soft core porn. LOLOLOLOL. I’m in…

  31. I’ve been half dying waiting for this group of ladies to get on my screen and I was not disappointed! I have to say your recap was hilarious! Couple of things I was wondering…Leeanne said you can never wear the same dress twice it’s unacceptable but she is clearly in a consignment boutique shopping for used dresses…wearing someone else’s dress is acceptable but your own dress twice is not? Maybe it’s just my aversion to shared clothing but in Dallas for some reason I picture sweaty lady parts and a lack of underwear. Side note…the teeth matter we all know the teeth matter, it can be an amazing looking man but a busted grill will send me running every time!

    Stephanie’s house is on the third hole of a golf course of a chain hotel but let’s give some credit here…it’s a Four Seasons not a Holiday Inn so chain or not I think it passes muster :-).

    Finally, when Tiffany was talking coke, Cristal and private planes was I wrong to have a strong vision of her in a greyhound bathroom with a dirty dollar bill doing blow off the back of the toilet and a bottle of Boone’s Farm in the sink? Call me negative but her over collagened face has never seen the inside of a private plane…I highly doubt she has even made it out of coach.

  32. lump off

    I love Brandi and I want to party with her!

  33. I don’t know if I’m late to the party here- medical issues have kept me out of the loop since Christmas eve so this may have been covered before so please forgive me. Stopped watching RHBH after the selfies of IVs with Bella and didn’t see one episode of Atlanta. I just read Tamara and she does a better job of anyone, anywhere. I’m home for three weeks so I thought I’d catch Dallas since season 1 they are more real before they become “stars”. Love the Jesus juice sisters and the nurse, but Leeanne had me cringing. I realized what a wannabe she is and that I watch too much reality tv since I believe I saw her in a Texas reality show before like big rich Texas and another one I can’t remember. But when I saw her cop boyfriend I instantly remembered him from Dallas Swat and I heard he was good friends with Chris Kyle. I don’t know what it says about me, but I’d much rather watch people get buzzed, laugh and have a good time than “act” the victim, gossip and back stab. Give it a season or two……

  34. BeepMcDeep

    This show grabbed my attention in a way Potomac never did. Hopefully it stays this fun!

  35. CarolinaTexas

    I am so disappointed none of ya’ll recognized LeeAnne’s boyfriend Rich Emberlin. He is no stranger to TV, he was one of the Dallas police officers on A&E’s Dallas SWAT. He is the real deal, very well respected locally, very well liked and put himself in the line of fire to protect and serve.

  36. Tonya Stice

    Brandi and Stephanie were just too juvenile for me. All the talk about farts, poop, etc. was just tiresome. I felt like I was watching Beavis and Butthead. And I was surprised by the Plano comment when I saw Leeanne’s home. You would have thought she lived in a mansion by that shade.

  37. The Junior League of Dallas must be clutching their pearls that one of their own is on something like this.

  38. imagrandma2

    What do you call a Housewife from Plano?
    A PlainO Housewife.

  39. Finally got to see this show and enjoyed it. Can’t wait for more recaps and looking forward to more insider scoopies!

  40. I am liking Leeeeeeanne. She’s the ONLY ONE coming across as true to herself and screw everybody who doesn’t like it. The rest just come across as moneygrubbing housewhores who are as fake as the 600 cc tits hiding behind their sternums. But its not even mid season yet…so who knows how this will turn out? Pretty cool though that Cary is so damned talented. I didn’t even know they had nipple tats for post breast sx. Who knew? Go girl.

Please Read the COMMENTING RULES before commenting.