Scandal Recap: THWACK!

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By Phil Andros

I have a confession gentle and not-so-gentle readers.  I’m hungover.  I almost never drink enough to make me hungover anymore, but here I am, hungover and supposed to be watching Scandal, which just sounds like a recipe for pain. So I ask myself, “Self, WWTamaraD?” Self replies “DUH,” and I pour myself a big glass of wine.

Oh god.  It appears from the start that I should have gone for the scotch.  THWACK! comes with VIOLENCE/GRAPHIC CONTENT WARNINGS.  We’re going back to absolutely everything I hate about this show, aren’t we?  Sigh.  Glug.

But before we get to the THWACK! part of the show, we get super sleuth Abby who has figured out that Fitz’ girlfriend (when exactly did that happen ?) Lillian is preggers since she’s been seen going to a clinic with a lot of OB-GYNs.  Abby may be the worst written character on this show – is she the poor man’s Olivia or the poor man’s Cyrus?  Or some horrible amalgam of the two?  Discuss.

Confused?  Forgotten how we got here?  You can try going back and reading old posts.

Anyway, it turns out that Andrew (the Vice President who fucked Mellie and then had Olivia kidnapped to blackmail Fitz into starting a War in East Angola, who was then kidnapped by Huck wrapped in cellophane, tortured and made to stroke out) is back!  And he’s going to use Lillian to get out the West Angola story.  Uhoh!  What’s more important than a military operation that the President took against the advice of his top military advisors with the sole purpose of getting his mistress back?  A military operation that cost dozens of American soldiers lives?  That’s right, the election!  Oh, and potential jail time.  I didn’t remember that Olivia had no idea that Huck induced the stroke in Andrew.  But he has a pretty decent reason for wanting revenge – “I pee in a tube, I shit in a bag” and you did this to me (or something like that)

 

scandal wineSo Abby convenes a meeting, a veritable who’s who of crappy human beings – Fitz, Mellie, Olivia, Cyrus, Elizabeth and David.  They bicker while Cyrus giggles, which makes me giggle. Turns out he has immunity from everything he ever did.  Good to know!  They talk about it and pretty much the only sure-fire answer is to kill him.  I mean at this point, what’s another dead body on this show?  Abby says NO, though, because, well, I’m not exactly sure.  Something about ‘being better’ than he is while  America’s collective eyes rolled.  But, hey, it’s Scandal so whatever.  Abby’s incredibly stupid plan is for Mellie to talk to Andrew to make sure all the evidence of West Angola is destroyed so that Lillian can’t corroborate his story!  Yes!  I wonder why nobody thought of this oh, say, while Andrew was in a coma!  Everyone kind of looks at Abby like she’s nuts, and we all know eventually Andrew is going to die, but Shonda is letting her cling to the last vestiges of her white hat, which is already pretty much in tatters.  Olivia throws some shade Fitz’ way and head back to OPA.

Olivia’s having all of these flashbacks of being kidnapped and she’s already figured out that Huck wrapped the guy in cellophane and give him a stroke, so her moralizing seems just a touch ridiculous.  She screams into OPA and she tells Huck “DO NOT FINISH WHAT YOU STARTED” and of course the look on Huck’s face suggests he was already trying to figure out how to finish what he started.  And the look on Quinn’s face is like “cool move, Huck with the needle.”  Olivia is like “am I just surrounded by crappy people” and I’m like, “is there another bottle of wine I can open?” Marcus (I REMEMBERED THE BORING BLACK DUDE’S NAME!) gets sent off on some stupid plan to get Mellie a Catholic endorsement – because being divorced and most famous for filibustering the Senate in support of Planned Parenthood just seems like a natural for a Catholic endorsement as Mellie pointed out to Olivia.  But really it’s just so that the crappy people can yell at each other.

Instead, Huck is supposed to use his mad cyber skillz to eliminate all of the evidence of West Angola.  Because if all of the evidence is gone, the former Vice President actually saying it out loud won’t matter?  Willing suspension of disbelief my ass, Shonda.  But Huck is going to play along with Olivia’s delusions even after Elizabeth basically tells Huck where he can find Andrew and finish the job.  THWACK! is the sound of my palm hitting my forehead at this point.

Huck andrew ScandalNow we’re back with the Hottie Governor from PA.  I can’t remember if I mentioned this, but it’s always bugged me that there was no real investigation of the shooting.  I mean, a national figure and you have this footage where the guy who supposedly did the shooting looks behind himself and looks kind of confused.  Well, Cyrus successfully convinces the Governor not to use the footage for campaign ads (but to use it on social media instead!?!?!?!) and Alex, the hottie governor’s hotter younger brother smells a rat.  And realizes that Cyrus’ odd friend Tom also appears in surveillance footage from that night.  So he decides to do some digging – which probably means he’s going to die before the season is over but not before he’s finger-banged Olivia.  At this point, I’d be happy if Shonda cut the cast in half.  Too many damn characters with not enough to do.  And she keeps recycling old characters too.

Mellie decides she’s going to try to sweet talk Andrew into backing down. I mean, what could possibly go wrong?  At this point, I’m starting to appreciate commenter Carol’s views about Mellie.  I mean, the acting is fabulous, on that I’ll never agree with Carol, but how many times can Mellie walk into a buzz saw and not see it coming?  Andrew says some horrible, vile and lewd stuff to her, kind of like Hollis said some horrible, vile and lewd stuff to her two episodes ago and how Fitz, Cyrus, etc. have said some horrible, vile and occasionally lewd stuff to her in previous episodes and seasons.  Nobody does sad face lip quiver like our Mellie though!  Olivia tries to calm Mellie who is in full meltdown mode down (must be a day ending in ‘y’) and then has a few more flashbacks and by now I know where this epi is going and I’m simultaneously horrified and giggling to myself because only two episodes ago I wrote that “I can’t remember Olivia actually killing anyone which is a nice rarity for the show.”  Ha fucking ha!

scandal kill them yourselfOlivia goes to see Poppa Pope (with Jake sitting there eating again, what’s up with that?) who predictably gives her the speech about how she works with ugly people in an ugly business.  And then he casually offers to kill Andrew. LOL.  Instead she asks him to keep tabs on Lillian using Jake’s NSA assets because “I’m not like you, Dad.”  He then explains to her why it isn’t going to work and tells her that when she hits rock bottom, she should remember “I told you so” – in advance – which is fucking brilliant and so Eli.  At this point, I’m pretty sure I am right about who does the THWACKING!

We then see Huck sticking another needle into Andrew’s neck and for a minute I think finally, they’ve come to their senses and are going to kill him.  But no, he wakes up in the White House bunker and Olivia is there telling him that it is for his protection.  Olivia negotiates a $10 million deal with him to make it all go away, and in exchange she’ll also have to do the PR for his memoire, Andrew Nichols:  Battle Scars of An American Hero or something like that.  Which made me LOL, but then again, Fitz downed a civilian jetliner and ordered american troops into harm’s way to save his mistress, so, maybe being a kidnapper/murderer/psycho frames up ok.  Olivia gets the money from Fitz and Elizabeth and then Andrew decides he wants $20 billion instead.  Well, really, he was never going to take the $10 million.  He was just messing with them and maybe buying some time for Lillian who is just 48 hours away from publishing the story which she says has been rigorously checked.  Huh?  That said, how it has not occurred to Andrew that he is fucking with stone-cold killers and is more likely than not to end up dead is just one of those leaps of faith that Shonda asks us to take on a weekly basis.  I mean, “stick a needle in my neck once, shame on you, stick a needle in my neck twice, shame on me,” right?  The “warm apple pie” was a nice touch though; the horse was sort of stupid.

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Fitz decides he’s going to be all Presidential and take the fall, which is moderately comical because he’s “taking the fall” for an illegal act he did that got American servicemen killed.  How, um, noble?  And the rationale is that he’s almost done with his presidency anyway, not that he should actually do the right thing regardless.  But Abby is all “girl, no” to Fitz and “girl, hell no” to Olivia’s offer to come back to OPA if it all goes south when the President falls on his sword.  But Abby isn’t having it.  She’s tasted power and she wants MORE!  Abby goes and “settles” it with Andrew herself by throwing Mellie under the bus.  Again, what could possibly go wrong?  Olivia finds out from Jake that Lillian’s story is now called “Mellie Grant:  One Affair, Many Lies” and is convinced that it’s Elizabeth trying to fuck with Mellie to benefit Susan.  But no!  It’s Abby who gives a “I DON’T WORK FOR YOU, YOU WORK FOR ME” speech to Olivia and revokes all of her White House privileges.  But even as she’s doing it, all of us watching are shaking our damn heads thinking Cyrus-light is never going to cut it.  And the look on Olivia’s face says it all.

 

Scandal Olivia Andrew

 

So here it comes…the THWACK!…you can see it a mile away.  Olivia goes to ‘reason’ with Andrew who is still holed up in the bunker under the white house why exactly?  He responds to her reason with slut shaming.  Yay!

Olivia:  “You think you can take us down without me burning everything to the ground?”

Andrew:  I wonder what I could get for your ass in an auction now that you’re no longer the “President’s side piece.”

And a long speech about how she’s just a basic slut who isn’t worth more than an aging porn star.

LOL.  As last word’s go, it ain’t bad.

Then Olivia grabs a metal chair and TWHACK! THWACK! THWACK!’s him to death.  You don’t get to have vengence, etc.  “THAT’S MINE.” Somewhere Poppa Pope is smiling.  Fitz comes in to tell her it’s going to be ok and Abby comes in and realizes that basically she’s led Olivia to this, although let’s be honest, Andrew was going to die one way or the other.

HOLY SHIT – TOM AND CYRUS ARE FUCKING.  Ha.  Cool.  Alex Vargas shows up to tell Cyrus’ whore about it and asks if ‘they can talk.’  If the next scene isn’t of them naked in bed, I’m done with you SHONDA!  It isn’t. :(

The gang all rallies around Olivia predictably.  Cut to scenes of Elizabeth, Mellie, Fitz all speaking nicely about Andrew.  And it’s nice of everyone not to point out that all of this fuss could have been saved if they’d just killed him like they all wanted to in the first place.  Last scene is of Olivia being “welcomed home” by Eli.  Note the door of his house is read like the red door when she was kidnapped.  Nice touch.

All in all, I liked this episode even though it probably lowered my IQ by 20 points.

Until next week!

24 Comments

Filed under ABC, Entertainment News, Scandal

24 responses to “Scandal Recap: THWACK!

  1. loriflack

    ?hang in there, mama ~

  2. tamaratattles

    Am I the only one who had Big Brother flashbacks regarding the whole “warm apple pie” thing? Remembering the America’s players all asking around about their favorite desserts? Yes? Oh nevermind.

    I do not know who Tom is. I mean I’m sure I once knew, but I don’t know now. One of the reasons that I am back in with this show is we now have Phil to explain it to us.

    Shonda just tap danced all around Olivia screaming “Vengeance is MINE!”

    I don’t really understand how the hot governor and his entourage play into any of this. Why do we need Olivia’s ex appropriate, single, black ex running for office? Is the plan he will win and Olivia will be first lady?

    Does this meant that Olivia and Pappa Pope will be one big happy, murderous machine?

    Is Pappa Pope gonna kill Jake and or Fitz to keep them from fingering Olivia as first lady?

    Next week is call “Til Death Do Us Part” I think. And it’s Jake’s wedding. Seems like either Jake or the new bimbo will probably die, yes?

    Please don’t laugh at my dumb questions. I have Reality Brain and can no longer follow simple, scripted shows because of the #LossOfBrainCellsByBravo

    • Phil Andros

      Tom is Fitz’ ex secret service guy who was also B16 and murdered Fitz’ son. Now he works for Cyrus and it turns out they are fucking. Not to be all ageist as I’m getting up there myself, but a three way between Tom, Cyrus and Cyrus’ whore, but without Cyrus, so I guess a two-way, would work for me if you’re listening SHONDA. Feel free to add Alex Vargas to the mix.

      The hottie governor story line is so that Cyrus still has something to do and can be a central storyline now that he’s ejected from the Oval. And so he can ultimately work with Olivia to bring down Abby. But you do hit on something I mentioned. There are about 1/3 too many characters on this show and SHONDA just keeps adding them. I would imagine at this point it would be almost impossible to ‘start’ watching this show. There’re just way too many backstories to keep straight.

      As for Edison, that’s an interesting idea re: him marrying Olivia. Could happen. I figured he was just recycled because the show needed another Democrat for the hottie governor to run against and also a vehicle for Poppa Pope to win yet again. I never got the impression Poppa Pope cared particularly whose digits were inside his daughter as long as they advance her power. Dad of the Year!

      I’m wondering about Scott Foley. He’s glided through the last two episodes basically sitting around eating. He does shit-eating grin better than anyone I think I’ve seen, but something is going to happen eventually. I would think the fiancee could die; she almost seems like a SHONDA accident since she never really credibly advanced the plot line.

      This is not a simple scripted show. It is a clusterfuck.

      • jen

        I love that they added the Alex Vargas character. The actor was on Desperate Housewives and I loved him. He doesn’t age. Just stays hot.

    • Phil Andros

      I should have also mentioned that Tom is also the one who fake shot the hottie Governor after it was clear that the guy he blackmailed into doing it was going to get shot by snipers before following through.

      • jen

        He is Cyrus’ bitch in more ways then one. Now his hooker husband turned happy homemaker is suposed to grasp his pearls at thw affair….stupid storyline.

    • jen

      I am really curious what happens with Jake. As Phil said he just sits around and eats but pappa pope needs him because he is the head of the NSA but I agree something is going to happen to him. Idk

  3. Meri

    I used to love this show but the writing has really gotten messed up as of late. Olivia is a mess and the only character that I like now is Huck. When one prefers an assassin to all of the other characters that says a lot. I hope that they get back to the great writing of the past and return this wonderful show to the greatness that it once was. Olivia and her strange walk and snarling face is no longer my anti-hero and that’s sad. Where did Andrew suddenly pop up from? He wasn’t there and then he was and now he’s dead. Huh? The plot makes no sense. Please give me back the show that I cared so much about and the characters that I once admired. What’s left are a bunch of horrible creatures who seem to all be psychopaths.

  4. Cat

    Dammit! I missed this show AGAIN! I watched it, once, because the recaps here were so interesting. But, I can never remember when it airs.

    I need to google that. :)

  5. I swear, Olivia has had more fingers do their walking through her than the Yellow Pages!

  6. Jen

    I kept wondering what the adult content warning was all about, and then – there it was. Ouch.

  7. Home

    Thanks for the recap Phil….This episode had my head spinning! I couldn’t believe they brought Andrew back…and when he started talking I definitely need a drink! ( something much stronger then wine..LOL) Sending Mellie in there to save the day was just asinine..smh. When she started wiping the drool from his mouth I took a BIG GULP from my glass…oh thats going to do it!

    Cyrus has immunity…surprise, surprise. I laughed when he offered a dollar. Can’t wait to see how his love triangle works out next week..

    Abby wants to be a bad ass so bad..but it really doesn’t fit her. Why she doesn’t know she isn’t really a power player is beyond me. She has a TITLE but thats it…smh

    Next week I’m not going to buy the whole Olivia I’m in sorrow over killing somebody act. After she whacked the shit out of Andrew over and over again then had the nerve to tell Abby not to cross her again..changed my entire perception of her. She went from the black scull cap to one of John Gotti’s goons! seriously you beat a man to death…a wheelchair bound one at that, have blood all over your face, tell the Chief of Staff not to cross you again, get in the car with your co workers who have brought you a change of clothes, have blood all over your face, then get dropped off at Poppa Pope’s like you just completed an assignment NOW next week you’re having nightmares…PLEASE! I’m not going to buy the damsel in distress storyline next week if thats where Shondra is going…

    Poor Marcus (yes I remembered too) please give him a better storyline. They’re beginning to treat him like Charlie Brown! And thats not a good thing….Its painful to see them keep sending him on “keep busy” errands.

    At least I saw a few glimpses of my HOTTIE…and since he is stirring the pot…he maybe be around for awhile…

    I’ll be there next week.

  8. Cheyenne

    How did I ever miss you? This is recap as hilarious and so on target. Clusterfuck doesn’t begin to describe it, This series has degenerated into a steaming pile of dog poop.

    About Alex jumping into bed with Miichael: no. Alex isn’t giving off any gay vibes to me. But what the hell, neither did Tom, so hey, you never know…

    • tamaratattles

      That’s not me, it’s Phil and he may be off next week we shall see. :(

      • Judy Lind

        There’s no show next week, so please bring him back in time to recap the next episode on April 21.

      • Judy Lind

        There is no show next week. But I hope he can recap the next episode on April 21. His recaps are hilarious and totally on point.

  9. jen

    Oliva’s face covered in blood, turns, looks at Abby and says, “never cross me.” Damn! I liked it. Lol. Abby thinking she was tough. Lol

  10. Rose

    Hilarious recap. Liv should have been having PTSD flashbacks all season. Conveniently they all come back for this episode to justify her killing Andrew and she crawls back to Eli.

  11. Jared

    Am I the only one who doesn’t understand why Abby did what Olivia said after she killed the ex vice president? How does it benefit abby to make it seem like Andrew died of natural causes? Abby would not go down for the Angola war and mellie looking bad (which was the new angle of the news story that would carry on after Andrew died) would not hurt her or the president, which she said was her only concern. I don’t get why she bowed down to olivia after olivia messed up. This should have strengthened abby’s position not weakened it. Any thoughts?

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