I am so excited for this season premiere. I am so excited about Tamara Tattles and all the success that you guys have given me. It’s been a very busy week for me not just all the stuff I have been posting but from a business standpoint, so many milestones have happened in April. I’m doing a bit of celebrating tonight so forgive me if this is a little wonky. I am sure all the idiots will be out in force about all the typos. Let me tell you to fuck off in advance. Thanks for al the retweets and Facebook shares y’all do every day. It really does help!
I already went through the first ten minutes here. So I shall sip my drink with both eyes on the TV for a change. Fun fact, Sonja Morgan favorite that post. Yet my sources tell me she is NOT a fan of Tamara Tattles. I think she just liked that the title was a quote from her. OH OH OH and also Kristen somebody from Page Six who writes stories about RHONY from Sonja’s perspective also hates me. How cool is that! Did I mention I’ve been celebrating? I tend to overshare when this happens. But hearing about the Sonja/Kristen connection reminded me of Phaedra’s little delusional friend who also writes for Page Six. Before I started blogging and having great sources, I used to think that Page Six and Wendy William and TMZ and some other places were like the gossip gospel. But Page Six especially. It’s weird being on the other side of the curtain. Anyway, less celebrating and kiki-ing with you guys (had to hyphenate because … well just trust me). and more recapping.
I think the guy from central casting seated next to Ramona at the bar is HOT!. I’d like him to play the role of.. um. Let me hush.
Apparently, the Countess is homeless and has to shack up with Sonja. Sonja has no plumbing, a flooding issue in her bedroom and allegedly can’t afford her utility bill. Could none of the other take her in? One of the interns that was on #WWHL last night as a bartender is trying to clean up shit and dirt off the balcony. I don’t understand how one subjects themselves to the modern day slavery that is “interning” for Sonja. Oh wait they (Sonja and the intern) were painting patio furniture on the balcony as rich people do. Sonja points out that her kid went off to boarding school. With some encouragement from her father who wanted to live in a place with indoor plumbing. Allegedly. And also this sent Sonja off the deep end. Again, allegedly. So I have heard. I could be wrong. But I am not. I am hoping Sonja’s new media whore friend who we will meet shortly doesn’t sick Gloria Allred on me. (Blind Item revealed I forget which one. They were numbered one through five go look.) I mean Gloria Allred? Come on!
Sonja is telling the tallest of tales about her charity for you know, “The Morgan Museum” and how next year it will be in Paris. And it more delusion than we have ever seen before on a show. Meanwhile, Luann is trying to find a face to match her circumstance which is recurrently reclined on a child’s bed on the fourth or fifth floor of Sonja’s apartment, sober.
They lapse into a story about DNA testing for ethnic heritage, as one does. And Luann says that her dentist told her that she is descended from Eskimos because they have an extra bone behind their front teeth. And you might think this is made up, but it is true. I know this because I have a lot of American Indian (Choctaw) in me an I have extra boned behind my lower teeth on both sides. It’s an indigenous people thing. My mama had a convex roof on the roof of her mouth. Same reason. This is why I cannot abide xrays on the lower teeth because I have bones there that normal folks don’t. #TrueStory. Sonja gives us a confessional on blowjobs in which she basically says Luann sucks at blow jobs. Allegedly.
FUCK the explosions have started in the ghetto and Banjo is going nuts. Still no idea what it is. Some sort of excavation that only happens at night? Construction?
Ramona and Bethenny meet up. Bethenny rags Ramona saying “Is that my dress?” Because Ramona stole a dress from her when she was on her talk show. Ramona has new tits and it is hunting season.
Sidenote: I just called 911 about the explosions hoping they could tell me the deal because SURELY someone has inquired at this point. The supervisor was like explosions? What explosions? SERIOUSLY? I live in the fucking ghetto but the rich people of Vinings must be aware of this. What the hell. Sorry. But it has been at least a couple weeks of explosions and the dog goes fucking batshit and I can’t hear the TeeVEE!
It’s the set up for Bethenny dating storyline. Bethenny bemoans dating in your forties. It is quite the adventure.
Bethenny talks about Dorinda saying she hasn’t been drinking all summer. “Really? I have a 12 inch black penis.” She will get hell on the Internet for that. She knows it and I love her for it.
Bethenny talks about the many sides of Dorinda. And how they don’t like John and how they drink like
me tonight fishes. Bethenny says she feels like Dorinda is always trying to sell John to her. According to the previews, Ramona will share that with Dorinda as if she wasn’t just talking about John too and it will be a big ass deal later.
Bravo is starting out trying to make this lady look bad already. ” I am a stay at home mom with a live in nanny and a housekeeper” This had Bethenny fingerprints all over it. I have a sneaking suspicion that Bethenny and Jules are great friends and Bethenny is trying to make Jules the rich bitch villain. Why do we have to set this woman up to be evil incarnate because she is rich? I am prepared to hear all day about how she just gave her five ?? year old a lipstick. (forgive me. apparently I live in a war zone). I am TEAM JULES already. Oh wow, she has a “modest” apartment in the flatiron district. He husband’s office is underneath. They seem to not want to say he probably owns the whole block. Are they going to make her one of the poors because she doesn’t live in the UES? Wendy Williams made fun of her husband because he is short. So wrong. I love them. I am #TeamJules from scene one.
Speaking of short less interesting men, Dorinda and John are walking down the street. The rich couple that does live on the UES passes someone hired from central casting and who is not dressed for the part which is apparently homeless beggar. Dorinda randomly suggests that they give this man a dollar for no apparent reason. John says he is going to do it one better and give him…..wait for it FIVE DOLLARS! I live in the fucking ghetto and… sigh. We are supposed to REALLY HATE these two this season. That is the set up. I am really irked by this scene. Who thought rich ass white people giving a random black man five dollars as if it were a great act of charity. DAMMIT BRAVO. Don’t put me off this show in the first fucking half hour! Dickwad stands there waiting for the plant to express immense gratitude and then says to Dorinda. “Well, we always feel good about helping other people out, right?” Yes douchebag. Handing a random dude (likely an actor) a five spot is really helping someone out. Then they head in to celebrate their anniversary at a fancy pants restaurant that the tip will be at least ten times that.
I used to like Dorinda. I’m going to let the dog back in during this shit. I hate Dorinda and John already Bravo. Mission accomplished.
Bethenny has a new office. I am loving her tonight. Bethenny says, “And I mean the Kardashians are Kennedys for Godsake.” I’m literally watching her every move. She mentions that she is paying for the office apartment, her apartment and her old apartment. Flashback to her bitching about it costing $150,ooo a month. I think. Because, WAR ZONE. And it smells like weed in the office elevator.
Ramona meets with Carole. Which is weird because the only person who likes Carole is Bethenny. It was captivating. Carole taught Ramona how to pronounce reggae. Ramona tells Carole she took the property and he got the money. Carole sits there being a sanctimonious twat while Ramona blathers on. Because she fucked a Kennedy. Like that is a rare event.
Next is the filming at Catch which I told you about here. Bethenny has a hot date. They went out the night before, hung v hungover joke ensues. I like him. Dorinda thinks he looks like Jason. When Jules and her husband arrive her first question is where do they live. #Shade. Jules and Michael are Kosher. I love Jules. Dorinda and Bethenny are not particularly welcoming. Bethenny hates John, so at least there is that. The topic is how much Dorinda and John drink.
Yet Bethenny tries to skinny shame BETHENNY!
Hey LOOK AT ME IN MY FOUR YEAR OLDS PAJAMAS BETHENNY? or
LOOK AT MY ANOREXIC PHOTO I POSTED ONLINE BETHENNY!?????
She must really be jealous of Jules who I thought just looked great. Bethenny Frankel who is so fucking obessed with being skinny that she named her brand SKINNY GIRL is going for a woman she has met JUST NOW as being anorexic?
I hope Jules eats her for fucking lunch.
Bethenny says she never had an eating disorder but her mother did so she understands it. What did her mother do? Did she pose in pajamas that her four year old wears and post them on the Internet? ARE WE ABOUT TO RUIN THE WHOLE FUCKING SEASON WITH FAKE ANOREXIC CHARGES? Because I. CAN’T. DO. ANOTHER. ILLNESS. SEASON! I WILL NOT DO IT!!!! DO NOT FUCK THIS UP BRAVO PLEASE! I LOVE NEW YORK!
As Jules is putting her hair up, Bethenny suggests she be princess Leah for Halloween. AND THEN.
SHE SAY JULES HUSBAND CAN BE R2D2!
Okay, so the reason these two are not fast friends is because Bethenny Frankel is JEALOUS AS FUCK.
And I’m sorry this is harshing my mellow. I am celebrating tonight. Albeit alone in a ghetto shack that is apparently in a war zone. But don’t have a WWHL recap in me. I’ll do it tomorrow. Right now I don’t want any more Bethenny Frankel.
My life is really good right now (except for the fact I may get blown up) and I just want to enjoy the last hour of this day.