Scandal Recap: “The Miseducation of Susan Ross” or “It’s Hotter than Two Squirrels Screwing in a Wool Sock”

Scandal debate

 

By Contributing Writer, Phil Andros

So here we are at the big debate!  Hollis is doing his best Donald Trump imitation talking about building a wall.  Frankly, I’m already a little annoyed with Shonda and we’re barely 30 seconds into it.  I know, it’s Shonda, why am I annoyed?  She doesn’t do nuanced.  She doesn’t do subtle.  But still, we’re reduced to caricatures.  Mellie gives it back to Hollis pretty good.

Then Sally asks Susan what she thinks and her brain has clearly frozen thanks to her breakup with her lesbian lover David in the previous episode. Her response:  “It’s a big, um, problem.”  Cut to Fitz:  “She’s having a stroke.  We are watching her stroke out on national television.” I laughed.  And I felt bad because strokes are no laughing matter! : giggle :

Mellie/Hollis/Mellie/Hollis/cheap Fitz joke/Hollis/Mellie.  Seriously, as someone who has watched every single motherfucking Democratic and Republican debate, this is actually somewhat painful to me.  She’s decided Hollis is going to be more crude than Donald but that he’s actually going to also be more articulate.  After some speechifying, he hits Mellie with:  “How weird is it to have your ex-husband’s ex-mistress as your campaign manager?”  And then Sally calls a break…. Hollis’ people run out to him and I think, although I may be hearing things, that Hollis said it was “hotter than two squirrels screwing in a wool sock” which is my new favorite expression for everything now.  “Would you like some wine with dinner?  Yes, that’d be hotter than two squirrels screwing in a wool sock.”  I think I can pull it off.   By the way, DO NOT google squirrel porn.  You’ve been warned.  But I digress.

ARTEMIS PEBDANI

 

Anyway, Olivia runs out and pow-wows with Mellie.  All wonky, all business.  Liz is running across the stage with a phone and has Fitz on the line for Susan.  He gives her what is supposed to be a pep talk, but all I heard was “YOU FUCKED UP. DO BETTER.”  Then some stuff about how she only needs “one moment, one punch.”  So obviously, we know that she is going to have “one moment, one punch” and I can barely watch because once again Shonda is going to fuck over Mellie, right?

Ok, maybe there’s hope.  Mellie delivers an excellent little speech about how she’s her own woman and how Fitz is her EX husband.  I can’t help but wonder about a little Hillary/Bill bashing in here from Shonda.  Mellie is Hillary except Mellie left her husband over his extramarital affair.  Is this a rebuke?  What say you?

Susan then gets her big moment so subtly foreshadowed….  It is some story about her husband in Afghanistan and how he was guarding some pipeline and got killed and it made her blood boil but only because she didn’t advise him to go AWOL.  So now we should be our country’s keepers.  It was basically incoherent drivel and not even very moving, but this is SHONDALAND so she gets her “one moment, one punch” and the crowd leaps to its feet and gives her the standing O.  Cut to Olivia with the sadz, David with his arm around Susan on the podium and then to Sally declaring Susan Ross “the clear winner!”  Eyerolls all around.  Then Sally says Susan Ross is the kind of moral woman America is hoping for (and everyone watches remembers that this epi is called The Miseducation of Susan Ross and that the hottie Latino Governor’s brother handed Olivia dirt on Susan right before the debate).  Sally suggests that Mellie should just bow out and let women rally around Susan.

Need EVEN MORE Scandal? We’ve Got You Covered!

So now we’re with Olivia and Mellie.  Olivia tries to give her a pep talk and tells her that it is just one debate and she can’t take it personally. Mellie’s response:  “Olivia, America hates me.  They hate who I am, who I’ve been and who I think I have the audacity to become.  That’s personal.”  So I think I just answered my Hillary/Bill question.  Olivia to Mellie:  “Mellie, look at me.  I will get you the Oval come hell or high water.”  Which sounds a lot more like something Poppa Pope would say.  Is this the season we watch any semblance of moral compass die? Note I say semblance, because as we discussed last week, the only thing that differentiates the morality of these characters is size of their body count.

Scandal Olivia

Olivia exits the room and gets into the OPA conference room with Quinn, Huck and the new black guy whose name isn’t Harris. Quinn says Susan won fair and square and it’s hard to compete with a dead husband.  Olivia says “We won’t have to because Susan Ross was never married.  She’s a liar.  We’re going to find out why and we’re going to take here down.”  And I’m thinking, really?  Really, this is the best we can do?  Really, like anyone is going to care?  And how do you play this?  You’re going to say noo, Susan, he was not your husband because you weren’t married so you have no right to invoke his death?  Olivia is clearly losing it.  The cut to Quinn where a thought bubble would read “girlfriend is losing it” confirms this.  Thanks, Shonda!  Why leave anything to the imagination when you can spell it out in detail!

Well, it turns out everyone is unhappy today.  Cut to Liz and Susan and Susan can’t figure out why David is on the cover of the paper with her. Duh.  Elizabeth explains it using small words.  David walks through the door and it is agreed that the two of them will “sell the love story to the American public.”  I hate lesbian breakups.  So much drama and they never fucking end, although usually they end up being friends afterward. We’ll see.

Back to OPA where literally the only character with a conscience whose name I can’t remember tells Olivia no, he’s not going to do his job and take Mellie to Los Angeles so she can be on Jimmy Kimmel’s show.  Yay!  An ABC tie-in!  Olivia says “DO YOU JOB” and he says, “Whatever” clearly channeling my 13-year old niece. Lol.

Related Posts: Scandal posts of days gone by…

Oh gross.  Olivia, Huck and Quinn do that montage thing.  Susan was never married to John Lattner and…queue music…she paid for a DNA test for Casey in 2007, which leads Olivia to jump immediately to the probably correct conclusion that John wasn’t Casey’s father.  Getting crappier and crappier by the minute.  By the way, “The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill” was Lauryn Hill’s first album…inspired by her  having a baby out of wedlock.  I’ll give Shonda props for that. Good reference and a great album.

That Susan has a baby daddy who isn’t her fake husband is confirmed momentarily on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial in a conversation with Olivia and Alex Vargas.  At one point Olivia and Alex are about two inches from each other and it’s clear that at some point Alex’s digits are going to find their way into Olivia like so many before them.  I feel like doing this on the Lincoln Memorial should be a hate crime.  Olivia gives Alex a nurse who can confirm Edison’s rehab and Alex tells Olivia that Susan’s baby daddy isn’t going anywhere.  Then we’re in prison….Olivia, Huck and Quinn enter a room with some rednecky looking prisoner – the baby daddy!  Olivia offers to help get him out of jail in return for him agreeing to a paternity test and to making a public statement that he is Casey’s father.  I was really really hoping we weren’t going to go down this path.  Turns out, neither was Huck!  He tells Quinn that it is a mistake to drag Casey into this.  How bad is it that so far this episode, the only person with any moral fiber is a mass murderer and torturer? Bad.

So Susan is kind of growing on me.  She has a pretty good interchange with David and how they can’t break up because the whole of America will think that he cheated on her.  And then she says something confusing about David having a penis.  : scratches head :  He responds much more in character with a declaration of his WUV for her.  And you can tell she really wants to fall for it, but she’s still a little stung.  Obviously they are getting back together eventually.

The hottie Latino governor is just getting annoying.  Thank god he’s easy on the eyes.  So, Alex leaks the Edison story to the press because he uses Olivia’s source to confirm it.  Cyrus warns them that leaking this could be a big mistake if they can’t deliver at which point hottie Governor launches into a speech about how his brother has run both of his campaigns and it’s going to be fine.  Rut roh. Never say “it’s going to be fine” out loud on this show.  For someone who was against using this, Governor Vargas is more than happy to tell national television that “addiction is a lifelong problem and being president is hard enough as it is.”  I’m starting to think he might be secretly as scummy as his brother, who is also looking less and less cute.  Amirite ladies?

 

Scandal Jake eating chicken

 

Cut to Poppa Pope, Jake and Edison where Edison tells them that the only person who knew about the rehab was Olivia and that Poppa should deal with it.  (By the way, Scott Foley directed this epi!)  Eli fires back with one of the best speeches this season reducing Edison to rubble and telling him to remember who the real boss is.  Jake just sits there eating fried chicken and licking his fingers with a shit-eating look on his face. This was probably the scene of the show.

Back to Governor Vargas who is watching his brother’s source deny the story on national television.  Poppa Pope moves fast!  Alex Vargas confronts Olivia who tells him her intel was good and that someone obviously got to the nurse.  You can see the lightbulb go off over Olivia’s head.  If someone can get to the nurse – then someone can get to Susan’s baby daddy!

Olivia proceeds to completely lose her shit with Ronnie, Susan’s baby daddy.  I get that he’s a drug dealer and in jail, but he comes across far more likable than Olivia and pretty much anyone else on the show.  She basically threatens him with planting illegal evidence on him to keep him in jail longer and tells him that Susan doesn’t give a shit about him.  Wow.  So ugly.  Nice white hat.  He agrees to the paternity test.  Now we’re back at OPA where the paternity results are in and Ronnie is the father.  Olivia tells Huck and Quinn to leak it to everyone and leaves the room.  Huck tells Quinn they can’t do this.  It is crossing a line too far.

Scandal mellie mean tweetsGreat scene with Quinn and Abby and probably the best line of the night from Quinn:  “She is replacing the white hat with a black skull cap.” LOL.  Olivia goes back to OPA and Fitz is there and they have your basic screaming match.  Fitz pretending to be a ‘victim of Defiance’ is pretty funny (as a reminder, Defiance is how they rigged the first election for him).  But it’s your basic version of the white hat speech he gives her.

Fitz then tries to convince Susan to come clean about Ronnie and all that because she should earn the White House.  And then he seems to be about to tell her about Defiance, which I just can’t believe is a good idea.  Or, in fact, something that he would ever in a million years do.

Ronnie kills himself (sad), Alex gets demoted, it turns out it was Cyrus and Tom (not Poppa Pope) who took care of the nurse at the rehab center, Susan and David do some teevee appearances (Susan to David:  “You’re just a prop”), Mellie does the mean tweets segment on Jimmy Kimmel and is awesome.  Finally, Olivia and Fitz have a weird unnecessary scene where they agree to keep things clean.  So unconvincing.  So unbelievable.

Until next week, y’all!  Remember, it isn’t good unless it’s hotter than two squirrels screwing in a wool sock!

31 Comments

Filed under ABC, Entertainment News, Recap, Scandal

31 responses to “Scandal Recap: “The Miseducation of Susan Ross” or “It’s Hotter than Two Squirrels Screwing in a Wool Sock”

  1. A Little Birdie

    Good Good recap. Alex Vargas is hott! Bad campaign manager. I think I mentioned before that I don’t like the new Harrison

  2. Jaana

    Shonda needs to give the new Harrison a personality.

    • Meri

      Shonda needs to stop messing with a great format and go back to writing good material. Olivia is NOT wearing a white hat anymore and I simply don’t like her. She tried to ruin the life of an innocent child to suit her purposes and that was ridiculous. It showed her true character and that she is her father’s daughter.

    • A Little Birdie

      I agree. He is just not clicking

      • tamaratattles

        Sometimes when I am writing a recap, especially fast while the show is airing, I mentally blank out on someone’s name. Even the RHOA! A lot of times on shows I don’t do much, I have to look at my tags to jostle my memory. So the first time Phil didn’t know new Harris’ name I realized I didn’t know it either. I kept meaning to pay attention so I would know it. I had not watched the first episode Phil recapped before I read his recap. I watched a day or two later. Since then, I have watched three episodes, and if I was held hostage by terrorist and the only way to save my life was to say this dude’s name, I would have no fucking idea and get a bullet to the head. I’ve been blaming my Lymenopause. But the fact that none of us have bothered to learn the dude’s name means he is a non MF factor on this show.

        Meanwhile Columbus Short, in the midst of his mental meltdown married his sidepiece about three months ago and she is literally calling all the other THOTs he has been sleeping with begging them to come pick him up and throwing all his shit out.

  3. Home

    Thanks for the recap Phil!! Well, well, well Susan Ross had a skeleton in her closet..who would have thought. So I guess she will now be a bit lenient on David’s cheating?…we’ll see..LOL. Edison now knows he just got in bed with Satan…the look on his face after Poppa Pope’s tongue lashing was priceless! And Jake sitting there eating fried chicken during the whole scene was even MORE priceless!

    Cyrus is a son of a gun! I knew he was behind the retraction because he wanted Hottie’s job bad! He is nobody to play with. I remember a couple of seasons ago when he told Mellie he was a MONSTER! and yes he is…

    Olivia turned into Poppa Pope for a minute! I was shocked when she wanted to go in about the paternity…Thank God her friends snatched her black skull cap off!!…that definitely isn’t a good look for her literally and figuratively! Sad the guy hung himself..someone had to have SOME character in this episode…who knew it would be the convict…smh.

    The new Harrison..funny we can’t remember his name..LOL does desperately need a personality…but I suspect a “thing” might happen between him and Mellie. They seemed to connect at the end and they are the only main characters that aren’t in a relationship per se. Just my foresight but we will see. He needs a storyline and it appears that the gladiators haven’t embraced him in their fold yet…

    Can’t wait until next week…and PLEASE Sondra don’t take Alex “hottie” Vargas away! Please allow him to redeem himself…LOL

    • Phil Andros

      I like your theory of Mellie and new dude! That’d be kind of cool.

      Good job spotting the Cyrus/Tom involvement early. I was sure it was Poppa Pope. Edison sure is a bitch ass whiner, isn’t he? So grateful to Tamara for finding that gif of Scott Foley eating chicken.

      As for Alex Vargas, at some point there are only so many crappy humans you can cram into an hour of television. They should at least be photogenic, right?

      • Carol

        The bitch ass whiner is Mellie as stated by Marcus and pretty much every one on the show.

        The Mellie stans crack me up with their vision impaired view of silly Mellie.

        During the debate Mellie said I divorced my cheating husband – the delusional revisionist idiot conveniently forgot that Fitz kicked her out of the White House and served her divorce papers while she kept begging to stay like the clingy coward she is. Mellie has moved on to clinging to Olivia to save her campaign. I’m rooting for Susan to win.

        I can’t wait until hypocritical entitled whiny Mellie is completely humiliated when her own cheating with Andrew is revealed via pictures by the folks who know of it – Lizzie, Cyrus or Rowan.

        Marcus should have left Mellie’s suitcase behind in the OPA office when she treated him, a black man like her valet. But of course Shonda is going to have Marcus and Mellie hook up because nothing is more of a turn on then being treated like a servant. I’m glad Marcus at least read Mellie for filth.

        Governor Vargas represents Bernie Sanders with his false good guy narrative – dirty things are done by campaign operatives and he’ll say negative things but still claim to be above it all.

        The best scenes were Susan with David and Fitz, OPA team realizing Olivia has lost her mind and doing the intervention through Fitz, Olivia and Fitz calling a truce and Marcus with Mellie.

      • Yveline

        Marcus, new guy’s name is Marcus. I know this because I can never forget any damn thing, fount of useless information that I am.

    • Phil Andros

      Oh, and putting the picture of Susan smoking right after the reference to squirrel porn was pure genius.

  4. Meri

    I used to love this show. I don’t anymore. Olivia has turned into a snarling mean bitch who makes her father look like a Saint. You must write at least a few characters who are likable and I couldn’t find any (Huck was the closest I could come to liking someone on last nights show). Where Olivia once wore a white hat she now is simply hateful and mean. I realized after seeing the Hillary commercials during a previous episode where Shonda stood politically but I have had enough of that without having it stuffed down my throat during a show that used to entertain me. There is no one to root for and everyone to dislike and I am about to change my channel for good if the writing doesn’t improve. If it ain’t broke, why fix it? I am feeling the same way about Grey’s Anatomy too. Meredith is a raving lunatic and none of the characters are very likable on this show either. Rhimes has let her power go to her head and I am no longer entertained. I don’t want someone else’s political leanings crammed down my throat and using a highly rated program to do so is just insulting.

    • tamaratattles

      WE KNOW! WE KNOW YOU HATE SCANDAL, WE KNOW YOU HATE GREY’S ANATOMY! WE KNOW YOU HATE EVERY SINGLE REAL HOUSEWIVES SHOW! WE KNOW YOU HATE EVERY PERSON ON BRAVO AND WHY. WE KNOW!

      • Phil Andros

        I LIKE PEOPLE WHO HATE EVERYONE. ROCK ON MERI!

      • tamaratattles

        GAWD I hate you!

      • Meri

        Hate is a very strong word. I do not hate any shows or any people for that matter. I simply gave my opinion of something that disappointed me. What I DISLIKE is treating the viewers like they are stupid idiots and assuming that no one watching is intelligent. True that they write for an 8th grade mentality but I still resent it when they do. They took characters that I once really liked a lot and made them unlikable. As for the Housewife Shows….it is what it is.. I love reading the recaps here because they are far better written then the actual shows at times. I LOVE the humor and the opinions whether I agree or not. At my age (74) I have learned that I can have an opinion no matter who likes it and so can everyone else. I respect the fact that so many opinions differ and it makes things far more interesting. Please keep writing the great recaps and if you can find it in your heart…stop yelling at me. Thank you!

      • tamaratattles

        Wait! WHAT!?

        You are 74?

        Wow. You are officially out of moderation. I will also listen to your ranting with much more respect. And now I feel like I should watch my mouth. :(

        Rant all you want. I’ll stop yelling. Okay, I’ll try to stop yelling. Carry on with your bad self.

      • Meri

        No I am not that Meri. My name is Merilyn, I have ONE Husband and the only thing that I truly HATE is ignorance.

      • Cheyenne

        I’m new commenting on here. Is there an age exemption for ranting? I’m only two years younger than Meri so I should get a pass too. BTW I used to love Scandal before Shonda shat all over it and turned it into a clown show.

      • tamaratattles

        I’m going to start asking for ID on the old lady rant rule. lol. But if you are in your 70s I will respectfully listen, not put you in WLS and try to learn something. xo PASS GRANTED.

    • Sammie

      Are you the Meri from Sister Wives? There are definitely similarities such as she shares your hatred of everything.

  5. CPS

    The bitch ass whiner is Mellie as stated by Marcus and pretty much every one on the show.

    The Mellie stans crack me up with their vision impaired view of silly Mellie.

    During the debate Mellie said I divorced my cheating husband – the delusional revisionist idiot conveniently forgot that Fitz kicked her out of the White House and served her divorce papers while she kept begging to stay like the clingy coward she is. Mellie has moved on to clinging to Olivia to save her campaign. I’m rooting for Susan to win.

    I can’t wait until hypocritical entitled whiny Mellie is completely humiliated when her own cheating with Andrew is revealed via pictures by the folks who know of it – Lizzie, Cyrus or Rowan.

    Marcus should have left Mellie’s suitcase behind in the OPA office when she treated him, a black man like her valet. But of course Shonda is going to have Marcus and Mellie hook up because nothing is more of a turn on then being treated like a servant. I’m glad Marcus at least read Mellie for filth.

    Governor Vargas represents Bernie Sanders with his false good guy narrative – dirty things are done by campaign operatives and he’ll say negative things but still claim to be above it all.

    The best scenes were Susan with David and Fitz, OPA team realizing Olivia has lost her mind and doing the intervention through Fitz, Olivia and Fitz calling a truce and Marcus with Mellie.

    • tamaratattles

      HOW THE HELL CAN YOU NOT LOVE MELLIE? WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE? :)

      “Scandal: Like Father, Like Daughter (#4.4)” (2014)
      President Fitzgerald Grant: I have dealt with Drunk Mellie, Bad Hygeine Mellie… No, wait.
      President Fitzgerald Grant: I got it.
      President Fitzgerald Grant: Smelly Mellie.
      President Fitzgerald Grant: have dealt with Drunk Mellie, and Smellie Mellie, and Screw-Everything-to-Hell Mellie, and Cry-baby Mellie, and Eat-Everything-That’s-Not-Nailed-Down Mellie, and I have not complained.
      President Fitzgerald Grant: But I will not put up with whatever righteous History-Rewriting Mellie you have going on right here, right now.
      President Fitzgerald Grant: This is not your family.
      President Fitzgerald Grant: You are not the mother
      President Fitzgerald Grant: Not since Jerry died.
      President Fitzgerald Grant, Mellie Grant: Since Jerry died you have abdicated your role.
      President Fitzgerald Grant: You have mothered no one.
      President Fitzgerald Grant: You hold nothing together.
      President Fitzgerald Grant: You pick up no pieces.
      President Fitzgerald Grant: You know how I know this?
      President Fitzgerald Grant: Because Baby Teddy thinks his mother is Nanny Jen.
      President Fitzgerald Grant: And Karen spent last night in a threesome with two guys doing a move on her they like to call Eiffel Tower!
      Mellie Grant: A sex tape?
      Mellie Grant: She takes after her daddy then, doesn’t she?

      THAT WAS JUST EPIC!

      • Phil Andros

        Maybe you’d like her comment better above where she also posted it under a different nic?

      • tamaratattles

        Oh wow. I didn’t notice it. At least two of her personalities agree, though they appear to be drunk at different times. Neither of them has read the commenting rules though.

  6. Nila

    I think Abby and Fitz are going to hook up…maybe at the end of the season finale! I too, think Mellie and the new guy are going to be an item. I love Mellie, always have! I’ve never cared for Olivia but she’s one of those characters that I love to hate. I wish the old Harrison would come back…we never did see his body so I hold out a small beam of hope, tho I think he was canned for drugs or something?

  7. tamaratattles

    “Scandal: Snake in the Garden (#2.17)” (2013)
    Mellie Grant: There’s a snake in the garden, Phil. A garden that we planted and cultivated and harvested.

  8. I have VERY rambling musings on this episode.
    Thought it was great that Scott Foley (Jake) directed this episode….”There is chicken in the fridge if you want it.”
    Mellie (Bellamy Young) can do no wrong because, well, she has the best Southern hair on TV right now, plus the fact that she does not wear a pantsuit!!
    I always enjoy watching Kate Burton in ANYTHING. The woman is genetically blessed with talent. Growing up with Richard Burton for a father and Elizabeth Taylor as a step-mom must have been quite a ride.
    Josh Malina (David Rosen) is someone that I follow on Twitter…he is a fantastic read and never boring.
    Thanks for indulging my ramble. :)

  9. Rose

    Best part, which i rewinded multiple times, was Papa Pope giving Edison the smack down while Jake was sitting there smiling eating his fried chicken. I hate what Shonda has done to Liv’s character. The whole Susan Ross baby daddy thing was so predictable but what Liv did to Ronnie was despicable and she had no remorse over his death. I’m sick of Mellie whining no one likes me and want Susan to win. Marcus is the name of replacement Harrison and at least he had something to do this episode. Cyrus is back! I just DVR this show now….not must see for me anymore.

Please Read the COMMENTING RULES before commenting.