Vanderpump Rules Reunion Part 2 Recap: “I’ve Been In Jail Five Times But Not For Anything Criminal!”

pump reunion everyone


Vanderpump Rules put up some great numbers this season and the numbers just kept on growing.  For that reason, we have a three part reunion.  Even though it could all be covered in a half an hour.

On look, it’s Andy. Ugh. Andy wants to talk about James showing up half nekkid to SUR showing off is um…”sex wounds.”  I don’t know why anyone cares about this.  Thanks to you guys, now all I can see is everyone’s bad makeup. When I recap, I am not watching the screen that much so I was not as distracted last week.

Next more of the James, Jax, Lala triangle that is more of a giant polygon.  James wants to be Jax, blah, blah, blah.

Andy keeps going on and on Katie and Schwartz’s sex life. All I really want to know is what is Katie thinking with that hair? Every season it is some sort of  catastrophe!  Remember the season her hair was orange? Why doesn’t she look back on that season and realize she needs a really good hairdresser who will not listen to her AT ALL, and  fix her hair. She’s a pretty girl. She just makes terrible hair choices. This season she wants to do things to the top back part of her head, where a bump it would be if she was Snooki.  I just don’t’ get it.

Britanny is out with the gang now. I am not buying her southern hick routine.  I do not believe anyone in this day and age does not Google a guy before they move three thousand miles to live with them.  I mean I Google someone I am meeting for a coffee!   These two actually seem to be for real though as far as the relationship goes. They are traveling all over the country together in the filming off season.  Andy asks Britanny if she got the boobs she wanted or the boobs Jax wanted. He asks her this every time he sees her. Andy is so totally obsessed with boobs. Straight men are not this obsessed with boobs. It is literally all he wants to talk about with her. They do get to mention that they have moved out of the studio apartment. A lot of them have to keep their shitty apartments as part of their contract. Because the series is supposed to be about restaurant employees.  They were only making 30 some odd thousand dollars for their first season and they are not paid like housewives even now. They are not even paid like Teen Moms. But the do a LOT of Vegas parties and promotional things year round so they are all doing very well. Especially Jax and the Toms.  This segment is literally exactly the same interview Andy did with them on #WWHL

Pump rules Toms Valentines


They talk about the Toms bailing on the LVP Sangria promotional jobs.  Everyone acts like it is just terrible that they didn’t want to work hard and show up at places. Um, pot, kettle?

More talk about Ariana. Scheana nicknamed Ariana “Bitchy Barbie.”  They both seem fine with their new, not very close relationship. Katie says that Ariana is Debbie Downer.  Ariana is wearing a black band around her neck.  Maybe I’ve seen too many episodes of RuPaul’s Drag Race but that always makes me think of someone trying to hide their  Adam’s apple.  Andy asks her if she doesn’t realize that she acts like she is better than everyone else. She says until she tell someone she thinks she is better than they are,  or that she is on a different plane… then it’s just an assumption. Katie jumps in to say that Ariana says she has to dumb herself down for them. And, well she probably does. Sorry Katie if that hurts your feelings.  Katie names all the girls except Kristen and says they are all her friend. But she is not “in a group.”  She rants about how toxic their situation is and it blows her mind that they can’t see it.  The whole they can’t see it because they are too dumb thing  is implied. I have an idea Ariana, why don’t you and your sexually fluid man skip on off to Iowa and become corn farmers or something? That seems like a nice wholesome idea.

Pump Rules Ariana Prettier than you
Andy asks Ariana if therapy has changed Kristen. She says she thinks it has changed the way that she knows how to behave in people. Well then, brainiac, a simple yes would do. You could use some work on how to behave in front of people yourself. This season no one wanted to hang out with you.

There is this huge argument about whether or not Kristen should have gone to Hawaii.  Jax hates James and he got invited.  Sandoval keeps trying to “make a point” and repeats that he is trying to make his point several times.  Andy gives Sandoval the condescending “Sweetie” treatment and Sandoval says ” Don’t give me that look, man! Cause it just puts me in my head and makes it ten times worse.”  Two points to Sandoval for calling Andy out on that shit. Sandoval was mad that Jax made a comment at dinner about James and Lala being there when he wanted Kristen there.

LVP is giving Ariana condescending looks because she is talking about how Scheana texted to her mother negatively about Sandoval. You don’t come for LVP’s star witness in front of LVP Ariana, you are slitting your own throat. I guess that is okay though because you already have a black bandage to wrap around it to stop the bleeding.  Scheana’s head is huge. I think it is because she is a bag of bones.  Oh LVP is defending Ariana now. Lala and Sandoval are screaming at Scheana.

We talk about Katie’s freak out over Lala swimming topless. Lala and the other girl swimming topless is a ridiculous thing be freaked out by.  Thank you! LVP! She if finally pointing out that this whole topless nonsense is a stupid American thing. And on top of that, we have seen every single last one of these bitches topless!

I feel like I have seen this reunion episode. Now we are talking about Jax lying about all his skanky ways while Britanny was in Kentucky.  We keep rehashing this to death. But he knew he was going to get caught when the show aired!  I literally just checked to see if this was a rerun. It’s showing a new show. So far nothing new.

Jax enjoyed his oceanfront room in Hawaii for a week when he returned for court.

Jax enjoyed his oceanfront room in Hawaii for a week when he returned for court.

Time to talk about the sunglasses theft in Hawaii.  Britanny says she was waiting for Jax at the bar for 30 minutes while he was out making the heist. He comes back and says that he got her a present and hands her the sunglasses.  LVP interrupts as the voice of reason again and wonders why  Britanny didn’t think it was weird to get the sunglasses with no bag, no box, no case, no nothing. Then Scheana interrupts to say that Jax bought her the same sunglasses at Sunglass Hut and they do the same thing. They don’t give you the Tiffany packaging. This is not true I bought someone a pair of Oakleys from Sunglass Hut and he got the case, the box, the Sunglass Hut bag and most importantly I got the receipt.  Why is Scheana who Jax has crapped on all season saying his milk has a longer shelf life than her stupid marriage jumping in to lie for Jax?  At any rate, no one will let Britanny tell her version of the story which is the first thing I have found interesting on this entire show. Nobody buys Tiffany sunglasses without the box.

Jax says he has been in jail five times. He lists some of the reasons. Two DUIs, suspended license…. then he pauses and says, “nothing criminal!”  Andy follows that up with a question to Britanny, “If you knew he had a criminal record and had been to jail five times would you have still moved out here?”  She says she doesn’t know Andy asks LVP why she didn’t fire him. She says she just felt like that would be kicking him while he was down and that it didn’t happen at SUR.  Jax says he is trying to get better.  Jax says he has changed his mind about marriage. Sandoval says he can steal Britanny a wedding ring.

Sidenote: I think I may have to stop to call 911. There have been several  either loud gunshots or explosions over the past ten or fifteen minutes. I’m hoping someone else will do it. It sort of sounded like an electric box blowing up the first time. For now, I guess I will just keep the doors locked and wait. But I can’t recap until the dog stops barking like a nutcase.#GhettoLife

Scheana  looks really creepy. Like she needs medical help of some sort. I am not saying this in the sense I am judging her looks. I am saying that something is wrong with her.

Stassi is out and so are her boobs. Of course Andy talks about them.  She says she got them reduced and lifted. They don’t look lifted to me. I don’t understand having a slit down to your navel for all of these reunion shows. I’m not a prude at all. And at least their boobs aren’t as old and swollen as the housewives.

Stassi, who is oddly #TeamKristen this season goes straight for the twatty dishwasher and the way he speaks to women. Why? Why even acknowledge his existence? Was she in more than one scene with the kid?  Stassi looks hideous. She said she just had her boobs and her lips done but her face looks fat and she has more chins than I do. James is really putting on his fake English accent. Okay maybe she doesn’t have extra chins. I think the lighting is just very bad.

Sandoval is very worked up. Why? He seems super angry and near tears this entire episode. LVP says that Stassi doesn’t care about any of them and she is only back to be on TV. Which is true. But I think that is true for most all of them. LVP has a big Adan’s apple scarf around her neck too. I don’t think any woman to tie a scarf tightly around their throats. LVP wants Stassi to acknowledge that she would be nothing without her. Stassi doesn’t agree.

Next Week: Katie and Schwartz fight.  James and Kristen fight. James and Jax fight. And Sandoval continues just seething in his chair.

P.S. Things settled down and no siren ever happened. So who knows what all the loud bands were.


Filed under Dumbasses, Entertainment News, Vanderpump Rules

32 responses to “Vanderpump Rules Reunion Part 2 Recap: “I’ve Been In Jail Five Times But Not For Anything Criminal!”

  1. Jaana

    Why is Scheana so defensive of Jax? Did she bang him on the low and is desperately hoping he will keep her secret? Its a bit weird.

  2. Puddy

    Sheana’s looks have changed and it is worrisome. Not being critical – bc she is a very pretty girl, but something does not look right. I hope she is ok and that someone is helping her if she is not ok.

  3. Spilledperfume

    Years ago someone came up with the term lollipop heads to describe Sheana’s look. At the time the writer was talking about Susan Lucci and a few other actresses who had normal size heads on a size zero body.

  4. Katy’s hair is horrendous! I don’t think she is pretty at all. Rather plain looking, and she looks as if she has gained weight. I agree with Lala, something about Katy makes me dislike her. She comes across as very judgmental. Stassi…LVP spoke the truth. She is there because of the show. I didn’t like Stassi’s hair, usually its very pretty. Looks overprocessed, too blonde, harsh. For some reason I like Ariana, she might be Debbie Downer, but look who she has to deal with. The nitwits. I it odd that Tom loves Katy, but her and Ariana seem to have an intense dislike for each other. Kristen…a non MF factor. Jax and his stupid GF…who cares? James, I like his fued with Jax. He can throw some shade. Love it when he said that Jax was “37 or 38”. Lala seems to be legit, but this is her first year. I’ll reserve comment until 2nd season. Sheena’s head looked huge, or she rather looked frail. She is hiding something, comes across as scared. Of what, I wonder? VLP knows, she is protecting her.

    • sandra

      Kristen is The Star. LVP’s protection of Scheana is self-serving.

      • Matzah60

        Amen! I was shocked when LVP told Kristen to shut up. I don’t care if she loathes her. I’d like to see LVP tell one of her fellow housewives to shut up at the reunion. I was amazed how much restraint Kristen displayed.

        James is vile. If any other SURver behaved that way (look what happened to Kristen), they’d be fired. Whether it’s the fact he is British or Hamas some family connection, a young man who spits, screams that Kristen will shit on Katie around 5 times in a row, etc would be considered demonic by LVP.

        Like TT said, Brittany is a phony. She didn’t give up anything. She moved across the country to go on one of the most popular (currently) non HW reality show. If she can’t or didn’t google, then she is stupider than I thought.

  5. lib

    Did anyone else notice Arianna’s neck thing being too tight so every time she made a weird face she would have 15 chins and look like Kristen Wiig’s character from SNL? It was making me laugh the whole show and I really hope other people noticed it.

  6. Wallace

    Agree there is no way Kentucky did not Google Jax. Ariana and Tom are exhausting with their self righteous anger.

    The first season, Stassi, Katie and Kristin were very thin. Seems that Stassi and Katie have not been able to maintain being that tiny.

    I wish someone would call Jax out for clearly being coked out in many scenes. He’s manic and raging, grinding his teeth, sweating profusely … I find it unnerving.

  7. Jaana

    I think Andy got Stassi back on the show. He seems to really like her. I would also like to believe he is more involved in these shows than just hosting the reunion. Lisa Vanderpump was literally seething with anger when she came out at the reunion. It had to be a higher power that got her back on the show.

  8. Thanks for the recap, TT.
    Scheana does look weird. Her lips have been over injected, I think, and she’s way too skinny.
    Sandoval is really annoying. Those veins in his neck look like they are on the verge of exploding.
    Tonight was pretty boring. Love the show, hate the reunion so far.

  9. Shae

    Scheana has the problem of having overdone her lips and her restored teeth being far too large for her mouth. Her lips stretch to fit over them and it looks awkward when she speaks. Her bs apology was terrible to Tom/Ariana. The whole needing to make a distinction between not being sorry you “thought” those things about Tom vs. being sorry you “said” them, is basically like only being sorry you were caught lol. If you were truly sorry, you wouldn’t qualify your apology and she DEF would’ve bugged out if the shoe had been on the other foot and Ariana shared negative opinions about Shay with her mother. Not right.

    Brittany is a sweet girl, but dumb as a box of hair. You’re insane to move cross country to live with some reality star of ill repute lol Either she’s lying about not having looked in to his past or she’s stupid for not having taken it seriously. Also, how the hell do you see your bf deviously lying, cheating, and lying again on camera…directly to peoples’ faces, yours included, and you stay? You should not have to “create” your man, you should find a quality one to start and then any improvements from being with you are a bonus.

    She deserves what she gets for staying with this pathological liar.

    • Kimoe

      I reckon Kentucky is playing it smart. She’s counting on people and especially Jax to underestimate her. Boob job paid for within 30 days of moving in? Not so dumb. I bet she will have him married in a year and divorced with all his assets and alimony within three. My guess is she can run circles around him. Let’s face it in this relationship Jax is the one who’s dumb as a box of rocks.

  10. When oh when will Sandoval and the bobble head get a real story line? I cannot stand either one of them. I wonder if either of them realize that Sandoval’s continued ranting about Kristen and his inability to lvie and let live means he still has a thing for her? Get over it. Please please please please get rid of them.

    • RosesandGin

      I agree, the fact that Tom always gets so aggravated over even the mere mention of Kristen says something in itself. If he were really over her, he simply just wouldn’t care if she went on the trip.

      Also, I thought it was hilarious when they were talking about all the things Jax stole, and Andy made reference that he was looking around Sur to see what he could take. Wonder if we will be seeing any of LVPs silverware at the WWHL clubhouse…

  11. Chris

    I am confused about something. When Jax had to go back to Hawaii for court, the editing on the show made it look like Brittany didn’t go with him. However, we all know that she was with him and they took lots of photos (at the beach, drinking, eating, getting a massage, etc) when they were there. Did he have to go twice? What gives? Thanks to anyone who can explain this to me.

    • tamaratattles

      I hope you are sitting down for this. But the show lied. I assume that they didn’t want viewers to know that Jax (and Britanny) were rewarded with a one week Hawaii vacation with an oceanfront room for the entire week of Valentine’s Day as a result to the theft.

  12. Lisa

    I think Scheana looks like a turtle without its shell.

  13. Meri

    The show is fun to watch because all of the cast members are so self-entitled and worthless. I don’t even care what they look like anymore because I watch for the train wreck aspect. I don’t believe a word that is said and admire the people who are pretending not to write fictionalized scripts for these morons who can’t act. I think that Andy may not have been breast fed as a baby and that’s why he is so consumed with breasts. He is a pig…plain and simple. A nasty, woman hating gay guy who gives other gays a bad name. It’s just fun to watch and know that almost anyone on the planet is better than these idiots.It’s great for the ego!

  14. Bella

    TT is hands down is THE BEST reporting, writing, & recapping than any publication in the market!

  15. Katherine 2.0

    I agree TT. This is feeling rather stale. Perpetual adolescence is only charming for so many seasons.

  16. Katherine 2.0

    And Lisa’s blouse! Holy Mother of Tiny Horses, what was she thinking when she chose that from the hangar?

  17. Undine

    Scheana looked so off it was worrisome She’s a nimcompoop, a bad friend, and an awful spouse but I hate to see anyone looking so tore up. Brittany is as big a liar as Jax, her schtick is wearing thin. It will be interesting who will win out: LVP seems pretty adamant about not putting Stassi back on the show permanently and Andy with his messy self, loves Stassi. But maybe he won’t meddle, the show is a jaggernaut with or without her.

  18. Kika

    I have come to the conclusion that LVP treats/rules all of her Sur employees exactly like the rescued pets she accumulates at home. Telling Kristen to shut up is an example. To her It is like telling one her dogs to sit or lie down. She takes in all of these screwed up individuals that probably couldn’t get much of a job (let alone keep one) ANYWHERE else. That is why she takes people like Brandy in also. Remember that Cedric guy? Jeeeees! Total losers. But HIGHLY entertaining.

  19. Miguel

    Good to know you & Banjo are safe, TT. I agree that this episode seemed to be an amalgamation of all the WWHL episodes… yawn!!!

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