It seems only me and 399,999 other people watched this show last week. Seriously, I looked up the ratings WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE!? Now I have to recap it at 11 p.m. on a Friday night? They had a really tough timeslot on Tuesdays when I could not even watch The People v OJ Simpson live. Tuesday night is a RHOBH night and that audience is where they are hoping to get their viewers from. I am totally down with them switching nights and Friday is fine, but 8 p.m. would work better for me. Wait, that is Amazing Race. How about 9 p.m. now that Ex Isle and Boot Camp are over? Who is running Lifetime and why isn’t it me?
How am I supposed to remember all of these idiots name with this much time between episodes? I have Lymenopausal brain fog. I think I may have brain swelling. Are there any supermodels and all of their sibling to drive me to the hospital so they can drill into my skull and relieve the pressure?
We are back to mothers and daughters bitching. Kim and Kimberly’s fight over Kim wanting to bail so that she can “walk down the street with her head held high” rages on. Um, Kim dear, that ship has sailed. And this shit is not making it any better. If you um, had your senses about you, you would know that everything you say and do on a reality show is seen and heard.
Natalie and her beleaguered mother somehow get into an argument over Natalie being a cunt to the Kims ( I just can’t keep typing Kim and Kimberly. It’s ridiculous). Kimberly tries to calm Natalie down saying that no one was talking about her. That is because Courtney Stodden told Natalie the Kims were talking about her. Now drunk Natalie and Mama Kim are playfully getting into it in the hallway while Natalie is sloshing around a beer in a see through plastic cup. Were they out of the requisite trailer trash red solo cups? Countdown until the beer lands on Mama Kim in 5…4…3… But they both appear to be a bit altered and they just laugh and laugh and go their separate ways.
Every night in this house the three active alcoholics, Heidi, Natalie and that chick who was married to Jose Canseco and is somebody’s MOTHER are slamming drinks and hootin’ and hollerin’ until the wee hours of the morning. This is a great environment for someone who is tryna be sober after robbing Target of five hundred plus dollars of unicorn stickers and checkers sets to be hanging out in. I’m sorry. But I blame KimBERLY for agreeing to this. Her brain supposedly functions well. But she is doing some pretty talking heads for the show, so there is that. Maybe she can get her own reality show and be just like her mother.
Josie gets out of bed and tries to extricate her mother from the stupidity. But her mother is twerking butt cheek to butt check with Heidi (well they both have to have their hands on the floor to do this because they are both drunk as skunks) and is too fucked up to notice. Meanwhile, Natalie’s favorite past time is to fuck with Josie, because Josie is a nice, normal, sober, sane girl. Josie cries and takes her food to the bedroom. If that was my mother. siding with my bully, I’d just leave the show. She is way more embarrassing than Mama Kim. At least Mama Kim takes care of whatever self medicating she does (if any) off camera in the bathroom.
I love Natalie Nunn’s mom. She reminds me of Jenelle Evan’s mom. They both put up with such horrible daughters when there are so many daughters out there you could only dream of having mothers like Barbara or Karen Nunn. It’s heartbreaking. I am mocking this whole mess but it really is tragedy. Natalie doesn’t deserve a mother like Karen.
Dr. Debbie, A/K/A the worst TV therapist EVER and that is saying A LOT, is ready for group. Everyone has to write down one issue in their mother/daughter experience they have been sweeping under the rug. Once again, everyone is ready to go except for Mama Kim. She is kneeling in front of a full length mirror, which for inexplicable reasons is not hung on a wall. Perhaps production ran out of money due to the alcohol budget and could not manage to procure a nail for the back of the door. Or it messed up camera angles requiring people to pull it out from under their twin beds as needed. Who knows. It surely did not go to the therapist budget.
Courtney’s mom Krista’s issue is the real reason she is not Courtney’s manager anymore. I am on pins and needles. Is it because she wants to fuck Courtney’s husband? Is it because pimping out your child to older men is illegal? Is it because Doug has taken over that job? Please tell us, Krista! /chin on fist, listening. Krista also seems to have some sort of substance abuse issue. And all she talks about is her business. Which is pimping Courtney. Courtney’s issue is that her mom never admits she was wrong. I now feel sorry for Courtney Stodden. She never had a chance with this mother.
Karen’s issue is the end of her 22 year relationship with her husband. Natalie screams at her mother and says she doesn’t care about that relationship and she doesn’t want to hear about it. Meanwhile Kimberly is once again resting her head on Kim’s shoulder and they look..odd. Maybe little Kim self medicates too. Because this is just not how two adults behave. The we get the Kims in a talking head acting like a pair of mean girls. This is a sick, sick, relationship. And it’s not just Mama Kim. In all fairness to Dr. Debbie, at least she is pointing out what a self centered cunt Natalie is.
Kimberly’s issue is “my grandma.” Kimberly says her grandma A/K/A Big Kathy is a very sensitive subject. Kimberly says Kim is “the only one who took care of her grandma” and that some of the problems in their relationship (wait, this is episode four after three weeks of saying there is not problem in your relationship with your mother and you curling up in her lap during group and purring like a kitten!) stem from Kim’s relationship with Big Kathy. Kimberly says ” I take care of you in a completely different way than you did with your mom. You took care of the family [financially] I support you emotionally. You took care of your mom physically, and yours was much more traumatic. ” Wow that was profound. Dr. Debbie points out that Kimberly is minimizing her relationship in protecting her mother. Kimberly says she feel bad [guilty] when she upsets her mother. I don’t think Kim wrote anything on her card about things she sweeps under the rug. Because, denial.
Heidi’s thing was the way her mom feels about Spencer. I think we have seen this so many times on so many shows we don’t care anymore. In a talking head, Heidi says that if she had to make a choice between her MOTHER and SPENCER PRATT she would choose SPENCER PRATT. Darlene says her unspoken issue is that the Heidi on TV is not who Heidi really is. Heidi says “I’m a reality star! Sometimes I have to be a wolf!”
They didn’t show Shar and Cassie or Josie and her drunken mother’s issue. I wonder why?
The three alcoholics are mad a Kim for constantly being late for EVERYTHING. Heidi is chosen to confront Kim. (Sidenote: they are only there for two weeks even though they make it seem like eight weeks. There are generally two groups a day on group days with activity exercises, talking heads, dinners and drunken evenings also filmed. ) Kim tell Heidi she hasn’t missed a group session in the morning. Kim says “When you come for me with your camera get your shit straight” and closes the door mumbling, “Bitch.”
When Kimberly finds this out, she and Kim have a talking head. Kimberly tells us that Heidi doesn’t know what she is getting herself into with her mom. “I don’t think [Heidi] knows what my mom is going to do!” #Telling Kim goes off to confront her and says ” Sweetheart, I personally don’t like what you just did to me. Not one of these people has said we are all (hard to tell what she said maybe fucked up, could not hear because Kim was punching her fist into the palm of her hand while ranting) Not one of these people (points to…cameras…cast? invisible friends in the hallway) has complained ! So for you to do that is… to go around make a little thing there was really not cool. I feel like you were looking for trouble there. ” Natalie, Heidi’s drinking buddies along with Josie’s mother who may or may not be sleeping it off somewhere because old ladies don’t recover quickly, butts in on KIM’s side. Heidi apologies to Kim and says she just wanted her to know she was not causing problems. In her talking head (with Kimberly) Kim says she never raised her voice. She says ” My OCT-TAVE… just went… I call it my explanation voice…” /heavy sigh. Kimberly chimes in “That’s a scary voice….” Kim says, ” I’m just saying I explained ..”
Sidenote: Speaking of Kim Richards… member that time she had a freakout at Whole Foods because they were out of Salmon Salad?
Ridiculous Therapeutic Activity Time
Look it’s now almost 1 A.M. and the hipsters are having a rave about four houses over. Every time I pause the TV to type all I hear is weird bass. It’s driving me crazy. My walls are like paper. I hope the huge Mexican family calls the cops on them soon as they live closer, but in a huge brick house so maybe not. Anyway, my point is I really want to be done with this.
It’s the IKEA challenge that Kim Richards claims was the reason she came on the show in some interview! She said something like, ” I thought we would just hang out for two weeks and put together IKEA furniture!” One reads the directions and the other builds the whatever. The competition is for a mother daughter spa treatment for two. The talking head with the Kims has them saying “Don’t worry about it, we’re going anyway.” They don’t really even try.
Because what this show has taught us is a huge lesson in codependent behavior and how it contributes to alcoholism. Not that Kimberly is to blame, but she sure a shit ain’t helping. In case you are new to IKEA, half the time there are not written instructions. It’s just a diagram. So you have to come up with verbal instructions to tell your partner what to do.
Karen Nunn is practically the only sane person on this show. And Natalie treating her like shit pisses me off. Shar Jackson is also sane and so is Cassie so they win.
Later, Courtney tells Heidi and Natalie that her mother seduced her husband. Ew. I don’t want to know about this. Courtney says she was also “half a virgin” when she married at 16. Heidi says she said that too when she only let a guy half the way in. Um. I’m just not going to explore that either. Because, teenage boys.. let me hush.
The producer calls drunk Courtney and her mother into their talking head interviews. They are screaming at each other. The other drunks plus most of the house stand outside to listen as Krista screams “I admit I was emotionally attached to your husband! I’ve admitted I told your husband I loved him!” Courtney says this is the first time she has ever heard her mother say that. Krista threatens to leave. This will never happen. All Krista wants is to be on camera like her daughter. But most of this is fake as shit.
Next week: Krista tells everyone that Doug had a fantasy of the three of them in bed together so she could teach Courtney how to please him. Dear God. How did my life come to this being my job??? Also in group, the one or more of the three blatantly using three alcoholics in the house are called out and Kim thinks they are talking about her.