Scandal Recap: Things Best Left Unseen

Scandal Orange Coat Olivia

By Contributing Writer, Phil Andros

TRIGGER WARNING: THE CONTENTS OF THIS SHOW WILL INSULT YOUR INTELLIGENCE. EVEN YOU, THE BOOGER EATING WINDOW LICKER IN THE CORNER.

Hello Lovers of Sanity. Does anyone even watch this train wreck anymore? I mean after Scandal season whatever when Olivia was kidnapped and ransomed off on some international Craigslist for terrorists, I thought I could give it up. I am clearly weak…damn you SHONDALAND.

If you’re still watching, like me, you’re probably longing for the good old days when Olivia was invincible and a Gladiator. When the burning question every week was “Where WILL Olivia get finger-banged this episode?” Oh look, there’s Olivia and Fitz in some cloak room, they embrace, they kiss, she moans….There’s Olivia on a beach chair on some deserted island with Jake on top of her – they kiss, she moans….In the Oval office, in a garden, etc. etc. etc. Let’s face it, Olivia has had more digits inside her than the IQ of the average TT Window Licker. And all I can think about is whether there is enough Purell on the planet to get me to shake Fitz or Jake’s hands.

But that’s all over and I miss those simpler days gentle readers. Before dead mama Pope came back, before the President’s son was killed by his own bodyguard, before Olivia was kidnapped and Fitz started a war to get her back, before the VP murdered her husband…before we were one Elizabeth Taylor and a freeze ray away from a 1980s Soap Opera (I’m dating myself but feel free to discuss it in the comments!) Now, the simple but elegant non-stop finger-banging has been replaced by simulated oral and whatever that quasi rapey thing Olivia has going on with Jake is. Call me old fashioned, but if being digitally penetrated by the best friend of the married man you’re having an affair with is wrong, I don’t wanna be right!

Anyway, on to last night’s excitement!

BELLAMY YOUNG

 

So, the opening scene is the dinner at Papa Pope’s house that Olivia accidentally (ha, as if) crashed last episode. SHONDALAND clearly wants us to hate Jake’s fiancee – who has previously been described as a squeaky clean do-gooder human rights lawyer. So, yeah, hatable. As they are babbling about stupid shit, Quinn and Charlie are bugging Jake’s place. How is it that they can break into the head of the motherfucking NSA’s house again? Whatever. Lots of boring stuff, lots of boring stuff, lots of boring stuff.

OH CHRIST, HOLLIS IS BACK. You all remember Hollis, the business man who was part of the original group that rigged the election for Fitz? Finally, maybe this is going to get good. To Mellie: “Divorce – suits a woman well. I can see it in your hips there. You’re leaner and meaner. You slap that figure on Match.com and the men’ll come running I promise you that.” Then, the amazingly klazzy: “You gonna put out for me Mellie Grant or we just gonna rub jeans and leave here frustrated.” He leaves frustrated because Mellie won’t agree to shut down the EPA but you know she’s gonna make another run at it. Because, Mellie.

Meanwhile, Huck thinks that his exes new boyfriend may be some guy that he and Charlie tried to kill named six toes. Why do they do this stuff to us? Six toes? Really? A guy named Six Toes and a show that jokes about torturing a man by cutting off four of a his toes. Oh SHONDA, it’s like you’re trying to make me hate you more…but I can’t.

Jake figures out that Olivia has his apartment wired and brings the cameras to Olivia (i.e. he knew it all along) at which point they have a conversation that was so gross that I puked a little in my mouth. Jake to Olivia: “Did you enjoy watching us. Did you get off when she got off.” OH GOD I CAN’T UNHEAR THAT. So gross. Seriously.

Then it gets kind of good:

– Abbey figures out that Cyrus is working for the hottie Latino Governor from Pennsylvania. Remember, Cyrus and Tom arranged to have two security guards killed and oh, never mind. It’s just SHONDALAND.
– Olivia, Quinn and the new black dude chase after Huck who has kidnapped the guy who he thinks is Six Toes. He isn’t, but it leads to a pretty good fight between Olivia and Quinn. He doesn’t die, which is probably good since he’s kind of cute.
– Abbey goes to Olivia and does her best impersonation of Gollum from Lord of the Rings. Olivia tells her to be true to herself, blah blah blah. But she has to put on the ring and become a monstah! Abbey cuts Cyrus’ throat but we know that’s gonna backfire eventually.

– I’m sorry I didn’t talk about the weird love triangle between David Rosen, Portia di Rossi and the Vice President, but as a gay man I’m not really into lesbian sex. Sorry. What those three chicks do together doesn’t interest me. :(

Can we take a pause to reflect on the genius of whoever is dressing Olivia this season? After years of shades of white, black and gray, she is an explosion of color. Just amazing. I think I would rock that orange overcoat. Although the blouse with the thingies pasted on it was a little much.

Now back to the inanity….

Lover of Liberty, I admit, I did not see the Hollis = Donald Trump connection. HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE? It was the most obvious thing on the planet and I completely missed it. I think they even altered his hairstyle a little to make him more Donald-like. I just loved it when he stole Mellie’s entire platform and announced his candidacy. Although I’m starting to feel a little bad about Mellie. She needs a break. And some better scenes. She is still hands down the best actor on the show.

 

Scandal Hollis

 
Cut to Pope Associates, Quinn to new black guy whatever his name is about why Olivia is so damaged: “After Olivia found out her mom was a terrorist and her boyfriend’s bodyguard killed the president’s son she went to a secluded island with Jake.” LOL At least SHONDALAND has a sense of humor about herself. You could see new black guy’s eyeroll through the screen.

Show ends with Olivia having that lightbulb moment that Jake reeled in his fiancée the same way he reeled in Olivia. First he bumped into her in a line and then happened to run into her a few days later. I mean, duh. Olivia has spent 3 episodes hyper paranoid about why Jake ‘picked’ his fiancée and only NOW she realizes that Jake, um, picked her? Freaking show just makes my head explode,

That’s all for now. Throw me a pity post in the comments, will ya?

20 Comments

Filed under ABC, Scandal

20 responses to “Scandal Recap: Things Best Left Unseen

  1. therealdeb

    I watch this every week, I dvr it as well so I can rewatch because I know i miss shit! I love Jake, I cannot not LOVE Jake, even if we are now finding out he is acreepy bastard like papa Pope. Your recap was great!!!! Hollis is crazy like a fox! I do love Mellie, I love to love and hate her. Poor woman cannot catch a break, kind of like lady Edith on Downton Abby.

  2. Realityjunkie

    I too believe Melle is the best damn actress on the show and needs better story lines. I immediately connected Hollis/Donald and smiled at Shonda for that one. Sorry I’m so over Olivia and her shit. Let’s not forget she slept with Jake after she found out he killed an innocent man….

  3. Home

    Great Recap! I still watch SCANDAL but this season was a little hard…smh. When Hollis stoled Mellie’s idea all I could do was smh…Everybody knows he is a snake and she’s definitely NO President material. Abby will definitely regret the day she crossed Cyrus. She was so hungry for power that she really didn’t take the time to analyze her opponent. Not happy that they turned Olivia into a sex craved voyager…please lets snap her back to reality…I just can’t!

    I will be there next season to see Cyrus smash Abby for her betrayal, The real reason Jake wants to marry the do gooder, The tiger come out of the VP now that she’s getting sex regularly..LOL, The hottie run for President and Mellie beg Olivia for a new stategy! Phil your recap was hilarious…I loved it! Until next time….

  4. Meri

    The plot is ridiculous and the acting is awful with a few exceptions. I’m not sure why I’m still watching this dreck. The Clinton ads were the icing on the cake and mixing politics with a bad scrip was just too much to take. Shonda, you have had your day and I no longer can tolerate this nonsense. No one is likable anymore and everyone is insane. Great recap though.

  5. tamaratattles

    There were multiple iterations of this post this morning because of WordPress bawking at coding. This is close enough to what I was going for that I am going to stop messing with it.

    That said. Sally Langston slightly edges out Mellie in my opinion. But those are the two I still watch for.

    And Huck. He’s my favorite psychopath.

  6. A Little Birdie

    I was shocked to see Hollister but not surprised he stole Melli’s platform. He is evil and Liv told her not to talk to him. I hope Mellie catches a break soon. I agree she is the best actor on the show.

    I don’t like the new Harrison. He doesn’t fit in with OPA. Some people Liv cannot save.

  7. jen

    I still watch. I enjoy it. I also wish it was more like it was before. I love Mellie. I think the character of Quinn is an awesome actress. I loved when she used to kill people. Somehow it was funny.

  8. I got your Elizabeth Taylor/freeze ray reference, and I love you!

  9. Olivia becomes dumber and dimmer! I could not believe her big revelation at the end! Was there ever any question? How did she not figure this out? Jake worked for your father FFS!

  10. swizzle

    So funny you mention Olivia getting fingered…again. My husband and I were laughing about that a couple of weeks ago. Like…really…again?!?! You’d think someone, anyone, involved with the show would say, “hey, haven’t we done that like 500 times already? How about something new this time?” It’s just laughable now.

  11. Glow

    Great Recap!!! I’m still watching but Olivia is starting to irritate me.

  12. Rose

    Is Olivia that dumb that she didn’t realize jake picked her up the same way as he did his fiance? It took her a while eepisode to figure it out. Why does Abbey want chief of staff so bad when Fitz’s term is coming to an end? LIV taping jake is a revisit to him taping her first season. Hollis stealing Millie’s platform was hilarious and millie was a fool to trust him. Hollis = ridiculous = Trump. Susan’s growing a pair!

    • These characters don’t really love people they love power! That’s why Olivia toyed with Fitz, why papa pope killed whenever he wanted….Cyrus too, and abbey wants that power now too! She has always been in someone’s shadow!

  13. McMama

    This recap was absolute perfection! Please do it every single week!

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