By Contributing Writer, Phil Andros
TRIGGER WARNING: THE CONTENTS OF THIS SHOW WILL INSULT YOUR INTELLIGENCE. EVEN YOU, THE BOOGER EATING WINDOW LICKER IN THE CORNER.
Hello Lovers of Sanity. Does anyone even watch this train wreck anymore? I mean after Scandal season whatever when Olivia was kidnapped and ransomed off on some international Craigslist for terrorists, I thought I could give it up. I am clearly weak…damn you SHONDALAND.
If you’re still watching, like me, you’re probably longing for the good old days when Olivia was invincible and a Gladiator. When the burning question every week was “Where WILL Olivia get finger-banged this episode?” Oh look, there’s Olivia and Fitz in some cloak room, they embrace, they kiss, she moans….There’s Olivia on a beach chair on some deserted island with Jake on top of her – they kiss, she moans….In the Oval office, in a garden, etc. etc. etc. Let’s face it, Olivia has had more digits inside her than the IQ of the average TT Window Licker. And all I can think about is whether there is enough Purell on the planet to get me to shake Fitz or Jake’s hands.
But that’s all over and I miss those simpler days gentle readers. Before dead mama Pope came back, before the President’s son was killed by his own bodyguard, before Olivia was kidnapped and Fitz started a war to get her back, before the VP murdered her husband…before we were one Elizabeth Taylor and a freeze ray away from a 1980s Soap Opera (I’m dating myself but feel free to discuss it in the comments!) Now, the simple but elegant non-stop finger-banging has been replaced by simulated oral and whatever that quasi rapey thing Olivia has going on with Jake is. Call me old fashioned, but if being digitally penetrated by the best friend of the married man you’re having an affair with is wrong, I don’t wanna be right!
Anyway, on to last night’s excitement!
So, the opening scene is the dinner at Papa Pope’s house that Olivia accidentally (ha, as if) crashed last episode. SHONDALAND clearly wants us to hate Jake’s fiancee – who has previously been described as a squeaky clean do-gooder human rights lawyer. So, yeah, hatable. As they are babbling about stupid shit, Quinn and Charlie are bugging Jake’s place. How is it that they can break into the head of the motherfucking NSA’s house again? Whatever. Lots of boring stuff, lots of boring stuff, lots of boring stuff.
OH CHRIST, HOLLIS IS BACK. You all remember Hollis, the business man who was part of the original group that rigged the election for Fitz? Finally, maybe this is going to get good. To Mellie: “Divorce – suits a woman well. I can see it in your hips there. You’re leaner and meaner. You slap that figure on Match.com and the men’ll come running I promise you that.” Then, the amazingly klazzy: “You gonna put out for me Mellie Grant or we just gonna rub jeans and leave here frustrated.” He leaves frustrated because Mellie won’t agree to shut down the EPA but you know she’s gonna make another run at it. Because, Mellie.
Meanwhile, Huck thinks that his exes new boyfriend may be some guy that he and Charlie tried to kill named six toes. Why do they do this stuff to us? Six toes? Really? A guy named Six Toes and a show that jokes about torturing a man by cutting off four of a his toes. Oh SHONDA, it’s like you’re trying to make me hate you more…but I can’t.
Jake figures out that Olivia has his apartment wired and brings the cameras to Olivia (i.e. he knew it all along) at which point they have a conversation that was so gross that I puked a little in my mouth. Jake to Olivia: “Did you enjoy watching us. Did you get off when she got off.” OH GOD I CAN’T UNHEAR THAT. So gross. Seriously.
Then it gets kind of good:
– I’m sorry I didn’t talk about the weird love triangle between David Rosen, Portia di Rossi and the Vice President, but as a gay man I’m not really into lesbian sex. Sorry. What those three chicks do together doesn’t interest me.
Can we take a pause to reflect on the genius of whoever is dressing Olivia this season? After years of shades of white, black and gray, she is an explosion of color. Just amazing. I think I would rock that orange overcoat. Although the blouse with the thingies pasted on it was a little much.
Now back to the inanity….
Lover of Liberty, I admit, I did not see the Hollis = Donald Trump connection. HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE? It was the most obvious thing on the planet and I completely missed it. I think they even altered his hairstyle a little to make him more Donald-like. I just loved it when he stole Mellie’s entire platform and announced his candidacy. Although I’m starting to feel a little bad about Mellie. She needs a break. And some better scenes. She is still hands down the best actor on the show.
Cut to Pope Associates, Quinn to new black guy whatever his name is about why Olivia is so damaged: “After Olivia found out her mom was a terrorist and her boyfriend’s bodyguard killed the president’s son she went to a secluded island with Jake.” LOL At least SHONDALAND has a sense of humor about herself. You could see new black guy’s eyeroll through the screen.
Show ends with Olivia having that lightbulb moment that Jake reeled in his fiancée the same way he reeled in Olivia. First he bumped into her in a line and then happened to run into her a few days later. I mean, duh. Olivia has spent 3 episodes hyper paranoid about why Jake ‘picked’ his fiancée and only NOW she realizes that Jake, um, picked her? Freaking show just makes my head explode,
That’s all for now. Throw me a pity post in the comments, will ya?