Vanderpump Rules Recap: Push Comes to Shove (It Up Your Nose!)

Vanderpump rules pump rules

 

By Contributing Writer Xanadude

In honor of tonight’s Vanderpump Rules finale, I’m drinking LVP Sangria.  Yes, the embargo has been lifted here in Large Texas City – a new store is now carrying the Sangria (Thanks, World Market!) after being banished from the Major Chain (Goody Goody Liquor, which is a damn damn fine store that I frequent often).  And if you follow TT, you know I just unblinded something.  (And some people only got THIS CLOSE! )

Jax returns from Hawaii and drops some major one liners, that, taken out of context, make me giggle.

“I just need to keep my nose clean.”  Ahem.

“I haven’t gone to bed in 24 hours.”  Ahem again.

“My mind is finally slowing down a little bit.”  Ahem infinity.

“…and the TV was stuck on German!” Which flashes me back to South Park German Scheisser videos.  Oh my.

He picks a fight with Brittany – obviously doing exactly what he always does, which is test her until she either breaks or proves her mettle.  In this case, it culminates in his ordering her to find him a bigger apartment.  She’s not doing anything other than supporting the household and recovering from elective surgery, so of course she can play realtor.   Jax is obviously detoxing, allegedly and is increasingly horrid to Brittany, who actually looks to the cameraman for support that will never come.

Please, Mam, may I have another?!

Please, Mam, may I have another?!

 

We immediately cut (great edit!) to Stassi in her new apartment.  Her first order of business is to order Kristen to clean the floor, and Kristen, no longer our brave heroine with a heart of gold and spine of steel, slips back into MinionMode, happy in a  Lacey Chabert in “Mean Girls” serving her Queen Bee way.

At SUR, James claims he has been sober for several weeks but HAS been texting Kristen lately while still continuing his “relationship” with Lala, saying that he is going to go through “whatever door is going to open up the widest.”  I’d make a snarky comment, but it’s an obviously scripted line meant to evoke audience outrage, and I refuse to participate.

Lala is going to Katie and Schwartz’s Engagement Party (theme is “Leather and Lace,” cue Stevie Nicks, if any of these people, other than the elderly Mr. Taylor, knew who Stevie Nicks IS) and is talking to Scheana (why? Don’t they hate each other?), but Scheana is worried about Arianna.  Kristen called Lala a “ratchet whore,” and Lala is offended by the “whore” part but not the “ratchet” part.

Sandoval resigns himself to the fact that Jax will forever be in his life.

LVP sweeps in and asks Jax about his case.  Jax minimizes it, LVP calls him out, Jax gets heated and yells, LVP tells Jax to “Get out of my face!”

At the Engagement Party setup,  LVP descends from her castle to nitpick about a party she is not involved in, other than it being on her land.  She points out it’s hot and there are no umbrellas.  Katie forgot umbrellas.  Ariana is sick of Scheana’s “pageant queen persona.”

At this point we have dueling narratives of everyone getting ready for the party, several streams that eventually converge at Casa de Pump.  Highlights include Stassi and Kristen putting on their stealth makeup to crash the party and Stassi continually putting Kristen down, saying that while, she, Stassi, has dignity and self respect, Kristen is “unburdened by those anchors.”  Kristen says that “if I can aid making (James) feel a little bit good” (translation: I gave him a blowie on my Beemer) perhaps James will grow into the good person she knows he is.  Later Stassi says that Kristen has a shame-ectomy.  Meanwhile, Brittany is concerned about meeting Stassi and Jax seeing Stassi again.

 

pump rules katie and schwartz

 

It’s party time and suddenly there are umbrellas!  It’s production magic!  All the families arrive (except for Katie and Schwartz’s respective fathers – Katie’s has to work and Schwartz’s has a fear of flying) and, let me emphasize this, KATIE’S BROTHERS ARE HOT.  Like, Pause Button HOT.  All the ladies in the family meet LVP and are adorable.  Scheana is upset she and drunken Lala have the same haircut and that Sandoval and Ariana have commandeered a private table for two and spend the afternoon blowing bubbles (Arianna) and fanning themselves with a Chinese fan like a refugee from a Tennessee Williams play (Sandoval).

Kristen and Stassi show up.  Katie is happy that they are here and Stassi says “I’m glad I’m here.”  LVP does not throw them out but refuses to play into their nonsense.  Good on LVP for either 1) sticking to the script or 2) not drawing attention to them by throwing them out.  Brittany meets Stassi and Stassi does not know how to deal with someone without pretensions.  James brings the PUMP cd to the party (he worked on it in secret) and give it to LVP, who is so proud of him for staying sober and working hard.   This is important.  Remember it.

Drunk Lala sees James hugging Kristen and starts seething.  Kristen says that “the James I slept with the other night” is the good James.  Jax stands this close to Stassi and Stassi doesn’t acknowledge him.

LVP LITERALLY gives a blessing and asks if anyone else has anything else to say.  Kristen raises her hand, and LVP says No, but Kristen gets up anyway and gives a long, rambling speech.  Everyone is bored but it’s drunken Lala who shouts out “Wrap it up!”  Everyone gasps. Katie runs up to stand next to Kristen and admonishes Lala and says that if she can’t stop to leave.  Kristen stumbles an ending, knowing that she lost the moment.  The very very long moment.

PumpRules Kristen Crying

WHY NOT ME? WHHHHHYYYYYY????

Because we still have time to fill and plotlines to wrap up, there’s an afterparty at SUR.  James is so proud that he hasn’t had a drink.  He celebrated by smoking three joints – later amended to eating four pot brownies and smoking two joints.  Remember when he said he was sober?  Yeah, it was just Scheana Sober – no drinking but lots of pot.

Speaking of Our Lady of Perpetual Self Indulgence, Scheana summons Ariana over so they can wrap up their plotline.  Ariana (who I love, shut up, I don’t need your judgment) says that Scheana has been talking shit about her behind her back. Scheana says no, we are treated to a montage of flashbacks of Scheana talking shit about Ariana behind her back.  Ariana drops the best line to Scheana: “You have a need and a desire to be popular!”  Scheana confesses she is uncomfortable around the trio of Katie, Stassi, and Kristen and that she hates crying (“That’s why i get Botox!” Giggle giggle) and the two end up hugging it out. And….scene for them.

Drunk Lala and High James are grossly making out in front of Kristen.  Seriously.  It’s gross.  And by the way, the higher James gets the darker the skin in his skin dimple gets.  Kristen calls James a walking STD and Lala pushes her.  Stassi says that Lala needs to own her behavior and Lala shoots back (to a Stassi who is obviously SHOCKED that Lala dared talk back to her) “This is who I am.  If you don’t like it, you can blow me.”

Charles McMansion performs and LVP wonders if it was intended to be a comedy number.

James tells Ken and LVP he is stoned and shouts at Kristin to “shut her fucking mouth” and “don’t cross me in front of Lisa!”   Literally everyone’s head turns as one.  Jax, coming off his demanding his girlfriend/jailer leave him alone and find him another apartment, is suddenly the defender of wimmens everywhere and yells that James can’t speak to women that way.  Jax pleads to James to “please allow me to put my fist in your face,”  which is how every Raging Stallion “handballing” video begins (look it up, but not at work).  James taunts Jax, knowing Jax is on probation and can’t do anything.  James finally leaves, douchily, of course, before running back in and telling Kristen to text him in the morning.  Lala is waiting for him outside and they plan to go back to her apartment.  James calls Lala a “golden ticket,” ie sure thing, clicks his tongue, does the douchey double barrelled finger pointing at the camera, and….scene for them.

LVP tells Jax that he and Stassi are perfect for each other, which Jax takes as a compliment and goes to talk to Stassi.  Stassi and Jax reminisce and get to a good place, then quickly it goes bad.  Their entire relationship is replayed in 90 seconds.  “I miss you.” “Being with you is torture.” You know, the normal stuff. Stassi tells him not to fuck it up with Brittany and the two agree to be cordial and cool.

Jax goes back to Brittany’s table (she’s been watching this entire thing play out), says he loves her, and that the need to go back to “their” apartment so he can “try out the boobs.”  And…scene for them.

Katie and Stassi talk and Katie vows never to be Stassi’s bitch again – she’s going to approach their relationship by standing her guard and keeping an open heart.  And..scene for them.

LVP sums up the season by saying people learned things, but, maybe not, because some people didn’t, so the entire season has been about the illusion of change, with nothing REALLY changing.

And with that, kids, I wrap up my recaps.  I’ll comment if anything exciting happens at the Reunion and I’ll see you back in April for Real Housewives of Dallas!

MAJOR ANNOUNCEMENT! XanaDude will be the official recapper of Real Housewives of Dallas!

30 Comments

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30 responses to “Vanderpump Rules Recap: Push Comes to Shove (It Up Your Nose!)

  1. Xanadude

    By the way, the Battle between James and Jax at the afterparty was literally the Grand Allegorical Battle of Weed vs. Coke.

  2. BKSweetheart

    Thanks for the recap XanaDude!

    When I saw on the DVR that the show was 2 hours I figured they had tacked on WWHL and the after show. I said to myself, no way I’m going to sit through 2 hours of this drivel. Yet I did anyway. #sigh

    Anyway what can you say about this zany bunch. Like I literally have nothing that hasn’t already been said. Yet I can’t stop watching. I enjoyed Lisa on WWHL. That’s about it. Going to bed now.

    • Sharon

      I also loved seeing LVP on WWHL. She said the reunion for RHBH was brutal. Loved seeing the theme song played live.

      • Xanadude

        Wasn’t the band great? I’m going to have to download it now so they get some fundage.

      • Sharon

        Xanadude- I just downloaded it myself.The redheaded singer has such a sultry, unusual and just really cool voice. Loved the whole vibe of the rest of the band too.

  3. Gracious

    Haha….. Nice recap. Glad to hear you’ll be doing Dallas.

  4. Miguel

    Sweet recap, Xanadude – thanks for the laughs & I’ll be joining you for Dallas!!!!!!!

  5. Sloopy

    God, you are so right. Iconic battle of weed vrs Coke. That was a sweaty mess to watch.

  6. therealdeb

    Did anyone else think Schwartz sweater looked like a dress??? Katie is a moron, I love Schwartz and she just loves the idea of being engaged. I don’t think it would matter to who just so long as she isn’t too long in the tooth by the time she starts pushing out babies. Ariana is the most level headed of the females in this group and I am glad she was honest with scheana. Kristin is a crazy twat and her speech… Ugh. I have to say I loved Lala shouting. Cracked me up, and then Katie ruined the moment dammit. Lala kills me, she is who she is and I think that makes a few of them popularity contestants a bit uncomfortable.

  7. Margarett

    Well, YeeHaw, Xanadude! I like your recaps a lot, and I’m looking forward to RHOD. I’m “right down the road” a couple of hundred miles in that other big city.

    I thought about you last night while watching “Toys in the Attic”. I seem to remember your saying that you too like Gene Tierny (sp). It was good, and I had somehow missed it.

  8. More Tea Please!

    Super recap Xanadude! I believe the theme was Linen and Lace, not Leather and Lace, perhaps you were invited to a different party??…

    The men could have all gone with Linen, but no. Some of the men need a stylist in the worst way. Jax has been sporting these awful pirate lackey beachcomber fashions and I think Schwartz has been raiding Katie’s closet. To their credit James Is nicely pulled together, The other Tom is going over the top to fit his band “persona”.

    “Sober James” – oh my, he has a problem and I don’t think it’s just weed. There was nothing mellow about that boy at the party. In WWHL Lisa mentioned he is going through “extensive therapy”. Is this an alternative to rehab? I’m afraid we have another full-blown Kim Richards situation.

    • k-slay

      Thank you for clarifying that! I kept thinking to myself “I really don’t remember them saying leather…” but I couldn’t think of what it was. And I completely agree about the men’s fashion. Tom Sandoval’s haircut kills me. And yes, James need to get a handle on himself, NOW.

      Looking forward to the reunion!

      • Xanadude

        You can tell how important it was to the overall show in that, even when they said it several times, it still didn’t register in my mind as Linen and Lace. Which is a stupid theme anyway.

  9. Been loving Xanadude for a while. Will not b watching RHOD but will def read Xana’s recaps!

  10. Tulsateacher

    A Leather and Lace party theme would have provided Jax with so many more outfit options #leatherfisting Speaking of Jax his eyes were bugging at the afterparty. I couldn’t even see his eyelids.

  11. Kara S

    Jennifer love Hewitt wasn’t in mean girls. It’s lacey chabert

  12. ZenJen55

    Just to say thanks to Xanadude for some hilarious recaps, I shall follow you on down to the BlueBonnets of Dallas singing Yellow Rose of Texas.

  13. tamaratattles

    Okay, I am just getting started with this show and haven’t read the recap. But, The first scene with Jax and Brittany was bullshit. Brittany went with him to HAWAII and the stayed a week. They posted it all over Instagram.

    http://s17948.p20.sites.pressdns.com/2016/02/20/vanderpump-rules-news-on-reunion-and-jax/

    • Xanadude

      Its the show deliberately messing with Time again – the show implication was that this all happened over one hectic weekend while in reality it played out exactly as TT said.

  14. TT, I too was confused with the Jax and Hawaii timeline. I remember reading your writings about he and Brittany made a vaca out of his sunglass burglary, what a Jaxass! The only thing that didn’t make the timeline sequence jump out immediately to me was how much of a twat Jax was being to Brittany upon his “return from Hawaii”. I don’t know how her Mother, “the big fan of the show” takes watching her daughter with this asshole. I just want to reach through the TV to hug her and remind her that there is almost no chance of Jax not violating parole, and that studio apartment will be all hers.

    And, I also thought Katie’s brothers were hot. It made me wonder if Schwartz’s triplet brothers are also cutie patooties and if they are legal..??…

  15. Frosty

    Love your recaps Xanadude, so funny! I thought it was funny the way LVP set on Jax for minimizing – isn’t that what the ladies on RHOBH say about LVP? Is that meta?
    And Stassi and Kristen walking up LVP’s driveway — Romy & Michelle brought to life!

  16. therealdeb

    Also, on the after show did anyone notice that scheana was channeling Stassi? Scheana is acting like a bitch and was very nasty and arrogant.

  17. Dandy Lion

    Love your recaps, Xanadude!

  18. m

    have really, really enjoyed your recaps! I hadn’t intended on watching RHOD but I will now just for your recaps

  19. Thanks for all the fantastic recaps, Xanadude!

  20. Xanadude

    Set your DVRs to record the Uncensored Season 1 special currently airing. It is REALLY good, and you learn lots of neat production tricks.

    • Dee

      Thanks Dude! I just noticed season one and behind the scenes. It’s pretty good hearing how it all started and productions take. Have you noticed a huge change in Jax’s look? His jaw seems to be growing or it might just be weight gain. Thanks again for recap :)

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