Vanderpump Rules Recap: Kray Kray Kristen IS BACK Y’ALL!

Poor Shay...

Poor Shay…

By Contributing Writer Xanadude!

Next week is the Vanderpump Rules Season Finale, so this episode sort of tees up a lot of stuff for next week’s payoff.

Katie “asks” LVP if they can have their engagement party at Villa Blanca, Pinky’s house and Sanctuary for Deformed Animals, for the uninitiated.   LVP agrees with the proviso that Kristen and Stassi not be allowed.

Tom Sandoval’s music video is about to be shot, so it’s time to visit the esthetician!  The producers insists that Sandoval have cash on hand the day of the shoot.  I love the producer.

Kristen (!) meets with James, who wants her back and claims he is deeply in love with her.  Kristen is hesitant, so James starts insulting her and makes her cry.  This somehow makes Kristen forget about Carter, who she literally was just extolling the virtues of.  James says that he loves hard and hates hard, that he loves Kristen, and “it feels good to touch you.”

pump rules definately boning

The next day, we are then treated to the Vanderpump Rules version of “Summer Nights” from Grease:

Stassi and Kristen are at a tshirt screening place to oversee Kristen’s burgeoning tshirt empire (she’s sold about 100 in a month and is $4000 in debt) – did she learn nothing from bedazzled panty queen Nene Leake’s foray into this?  I can go to the place down the street and make up t shirts with pithy Tamara Tattles slogans for about 47 cents per shirt and sell them for $10.00.  She could get some advice from whoever runs the damn WWHL store.  It’s not rocket science.

James and Lala are going over some tracks from James’ upcoming CD.  Lala drops some newfound Rational Objectivism knowledge on James.

Tell me more, tell me more, did she dry hump his bones?

Tell me more, tell me more, did he go on a misogynist rant blaming her for all the problems in his life?

Upshot? The had sex on top of Kristen’s car because Stassi was still in the apartment.

pump rules Stassi

Katie and Schwartz are planning their engagement party at the Shay Shrine for Scheana – Katie wants a sit down multi course dinner.  Schwartz wants tacos.  Scheana is gleeful when Katie says that LVP doesn’t want Stassi or Kristen there – she’s zeroing in on her ultimate goal to be Katie’s only friend and default Maid of Honor.  Katie is also thinking of unviting Ariana and Sandoval, because “I need to figure out the kind of food I want.  I don’t have time to figure out Ariana’s feelings.” To which Schwartz opines that food is important.

Jax asks LVP for some time off to go take care of his Hawaiian adventure (ie get sentenced for the felony).  Lisa just reads Jax’s Grindr ad to see what will happen “He’ll sweet talk the judge and have him in the palm of his hand.  Then he’ll get off.”

i love turtles
Kristen’s penance for fucking James? Going to turtle races at a dive bar.  Carter and his beard arranged the night out for the entire cast (minus Sandoval and Ariana).  I so now want to go to turtle races at a dive bar – you rent a turtle for five bucks, drink, and bet.  I could totally make a night of that.  Katie unvites Stassi and Kristen, and we see a flash of true Stassi as she says she cannot express how much hate she has for LVP at the moment.  Remember the movie CLUE?  There’s a brilliant scene wherein Madeline Kahn’s Mrs. White says

Yes. Yes, I did it. I killed Yvette. I hated her, so much…


it-it- the f – it -flam – flames. Flames, on the side of my face, breathing-breathl- heaving breaths. Heaving breaths… Heathing..

That was Stassi, and it was fabulous.

gif:  T.Kyle RealityTVGifs

gif: T.Kyle RealityTVGifs


Jax and Brittany go to lunch to discuss Jax being sentenced to jail in Hawaii, but Jax refuses to talk about his being sentenced to jail in Hawaii, so they move on to other uncomfortable for Jax topics, like marriage and children.  Brittany’s HUGE spoon obscures her face as Jax unleases and makes Brittany cry as she realizes she uprooted her life, mutilated her body, and sacrificed his dignity for Jax freaking Taylor.

The next day, Jax goes on a golfing date with Schwartz and – seriously – asks him for a reach around and to vent about how much Jax does not want to get married, does not like having a live in girlfriend, and why the hell doesn’t she just do what he wants her to do after he bought her breasts?  and Jax DOES NOT LIKE Sandoval band or the fact that Sandoval has ambition and dreams.  Jax is also anxious about seeing Stassi.

At the video shoot – in a public library – Sandoval hands over the cash (in 100s) to the producer, so the shoot commences.  Lala and Faith are back up dancers and Ariana is on hand to play a dildo encrusted guitar.  Not invited to participate? Scheana, because Sandoval is already spending so much money and “her feelings are too expensive.”  Good one, Tom!  The video shot runs smoothly and fun is had by all.

Ariana and Tom ARE invited to the engagement party, but are still being ostracized from/distancing themselves from the group.  Again, good decision on Ariana and Tom’s part.

It’s the day of the engagement party planning and Schwartz wanders around Villa Blanca and accidentally lets the mini ponies into the house.  LVP swoops in wearing a robe and is pissed.  She quickly herds the ponies outside (Tom is afraid of ponies) and lays down the law:

“Your party will be DOWN THERE out of my sight!” (Really.  She REALLY said this.)

“No Kristen or Stassi!”

“No one is allowed in the house!” (Tom wants to know if they need to rent portapotties – we never do get an answer on that one.)

Stassi goes apartment hunting.  This brings me to my grand Vanderpump Conspiracy Theory: I’m really beginning to think there’s only SUR, Villa Blanca and three sound stage sets they just rearrange the furniture for filming: the Alley (used for all outdoor scenes including bars that aren’t LVP related), an Apartment (for the Shay’s they throw up lots of Scheana pictures, for Jax they throw up bicycles and do lots of tight shots around the bathroom, for Peter they clear out everything except an air mattress, etc), and The Office ( doctor’s offices, lawyers, Max’s dentist, etc).  This is just the Apartment Set, but empty.  It is here that Stassi and Kristen plot to crash the engagement party.

PumpRules Kristen Crying

At SUR everyone is frosty to each other – Katie invites Ariana and Tom by saying “I hope you don’t have to pretend to have too much fun.” and Ariana deadpans back that she really wants to be there.  Again, totally on Ariana and Tom’ side.

BTW the Engagement Party is on a Wednesday.  Hopefully Jax will be back in time (Spoiler: he will), but he is heading to Hawaii.  He plans on returning the stolen sunglasses but in the next beat packs them so they may get broken (“I don’t care.”) during the flight.  When Brittany points this out, Jax decides to start Jax his relationship up and voiceovers that he’s ready for Brittany to move out – Hawaiian jail doesn’t scare him, since “I’m already in jail” in this relationship.

Next week: The season ends and everyone shows up at the engagement party/drunken brawl.


Filed under Entertainment News, Vanderpump Rules

37 responses to “Vanderpump Rules Recap: Kray Kray Kristen IS BACK Y’ALL!

  1. KaraW

    Yes, TT T-shirts! I would totally buy! In other news, I fell more in love with Schwartz with every scene he was in tonight. The guy is hilarious. Especially when he was talking with Jax and at the music shoot.

  2. therealdeb

    I have to say I am just about over these vapid bitches. Scheanna is such a snot, and Katie is only about herself and is enjoying her few minutes of being the center of attention. I am not sure why anyone is shocked that Arianna isn’t all that excited about being around them, they are in totally different paths in life. These girls are more concerned with being cute and cool and liked/worshipped and Arianna could care less. She and Sandoval are a bit more mature. Stassy is such a twat, she is starting to show her shitty side already, and Kristen is going all whack again and I am not sure I can take that. Any time Kristen is on I think of Sandoval saying she stink like coffee and cigarettes and I wonder how the fuck she gets dates

    • Realityjunkie

      I couldn’t agree more. Katie’s attitude made me run to Twitter last night with the sole focus of putting her in her place. Then I realized…I’m too old for this shit!

  3. Kim

    Bahaha! LOVE the Clue movie reference!! Perfect!! Made me smile. I love the late, great Madelyn Khan, she played such a good nut! Heard her voice say “hated her so (pause) much”. =D

    • t you

      To anyone who has never seen the movie Clue. GO! NoW! Stream it, download it, buy it, whatever (just dont watch the tv with ‘mercials version that pops up on Logo a lot), but you must watch it.

  4. Lindsay

    “I’m already in jail”

    • Hawkmoon947

      Jax was awful. He asked his girlfriend to move in with him and has done everything to make her feel like he is a forever kind of guy (ha — does the show not air in Kentucky?). Now, the walls are closing in, and he can’t breathe. Because Jax is a beast best left to roam in the wild.

      • Dandy Lion

        I agree that Jax is a jerk but Brittany has not been living in a bubble. She must of known what Jax was like. Or worse, she thought she could “rehab” him.

  5. Once again, a great recap, Xanadude!
    But I have questions…
    Why does Jax still possess the stolen glasses?
    How does unemployed, homeless Stassi afford a $2200/month apartment? (Oh wait, Bravo money)
    This is more from last week and the After Vanderpump Rules show: The only parts of James that resemble his creepy mother are their ears. What did that woman do to her face?
    Okay enough questions.
    Robot tiny ponies are chasing Schwartz through Lisa’s white, immaculate house! OMG, the best.
    Kristen is making bad choices again!!! Woooot!

  6. Jim

    I totally get an Osama bin Laden vibe from Carter. He looks like he could be his son. And no, it’s not just the beard. It’s the eyes, nose and cheek bones too. Check it out for yourself.

    • tlcory

      Well Jim, that’s one thing Bravo hasn’t done yet, making a terrorist famous before he blows up the cast! You know it’s all about the ratings, that’s all that matters! Hahaha

  7. Amy V

    I thank you Xanadude…almost pissed myself from laughing so hard. Which could have proven to be embarrassing here on the #4 train into Manhattan.

  8. Shae

    I hate Jax more and more with each episode. He brought up marriage, not Brittany, then he makes it sound like the woman was haranguing him about it and badgering mercilessly. No, jackass, you brought up how you don’t “agree” with marriage to your live in girlfriend and then got your panties in a bunch when she had the nerve to be quietly upset by your rudeness. He put himself in this situation, now he’s blaming and punishing her for his choices.

    Dick. Thinking before speaking/acting is a novel idea Jax has just started to fathom at 40, or whatever age he is claiming to be. Brittany needs to read the writing on the wall, you want a hubby and family, you are barking up the wrong goddamn tree.

    Stassi plotting with Kristen to crash the party just shows she hasn’t changed one bit. Not one iota of remorse or respect toward LVP, or Katie, otherwise she would not disrespect Lisa’s wishes or jeopardize Katie’s party. I’m not surprised Kristen would, she is known for talking out her ass then doing as she pleases.

    • I was only 1/2 listening since The Great and Powerful Tucker (my shi-poo dog) had descended his throne and actually wanted some attention, but didn’t Stassi actually say something along the lines of “I’m not like Kristen, I don’t actually go where I’m not invited.”?

    • Hawkmoon947

      The dictionary entry for narcissist should have Stassi’s picture next to it. She doesn’t care if Katie’s invitation is lukewarm at best, she doesn’t care that her acceptance back into the group is tentative, and she certainly doesn’t care that LVP doesn’t want her polluting the grounds of Villa Rosa. Stassi must be a part of anything momentous in Katie’s life, and SHE WILL NOT BE DENIED! Stassi and Kristen are approaching the bunny boiling level of cray cray. I hope that Lisa will set a bevy of trained killer swans upon the 2 of them if they make it past the moat.

    • ahh Shae, no hate Jax, he isn’t worth it. Jax’s isn’t going to be responsible for any problem with Brittany, it’s always the girlfriends fault.

  9. Barbara

    Villa Rosa ?

    • queenmarie

      Yes—you caught it too—LVP’s house is Villa Rosa, the restaurant is Villa Blanca. Easy to mix up though for sure.

  10. JentheAUBURNfan

    But what happened in Arizona?

    • Bridgett

      Search the TT posts for the Jodie Arias trial and you will see her continually say “because Arizona” in reference to their backwards legal system.

    • theoriginalamanda

      Type Jodi Arias in TT’s search bar and get cozy. You’ve got a lot of reading to do.

  11. Karen

    Serious question. Can someone tell me what Jax is on that makes him grunt and bear his teeth? It’s kinda disturbing really since I’ve not seen that in previous seasons.

    • tamaratattles

      co-co-co-co-cola… God I miss being dumb in the 80s. It’s amazing so many of us lived.

      • Xanadude

        I know it’s horrible, but I really wish that there was a toxicology report along with the sentencing. His wild mood shifts the last two eps had to have been due to his attempts to…do a master cleanse. For health and weight loss reasons, of course.

  12. jennbug

    Love love LOVE the Clue reference….had to stop reading the recap just to let you know. So amazing!

  13. T D

    Why is there a blow up doll in the center of the top photo? Wouldn’t an overinflated ego make it unpenetratable? Ballons look so sad when the party’s over and they’re shriveled up, lying aimlessly on the ground.

  14. I can’t believe next week is the finale! What am I going to do without these crazy kids? Get a life? grumblegrumblegrumble

  15. Shae

    Was it just me, or was anyone else thoroughly disgusted by how Jax continued his discussion with Brittany with a full mouth of food, talking/chewing at the same time? He’s like a toddler just learning to eat who doesn’t know any better that you’re supposed to CLOSE your mouth while you chew and wait to speak until after your mouth is empty. Not yap yap yap, chew chew chew simultaneously.

    Men with zero table manners are so disgusting.

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