By Contributing Writer Xanadude
On tonight’s Vanderpump Rules, we learn Stassi has Lyme Disease and Scheana has Munchausen’s. Not really,but,judging on page counts and comments, that’s all you people want to talk about. Lyme Lyme Lyme. Munchausen Munchausen Munchausen. Divorce. Con Artist. Fakey fakey fake fake. There. Satisfied? Then let’s get to adulting with the SURvers.
We need to get the black and white out of the way first. The black being Scheana’s Fairuza Balk inspired talking head look. Let me go put on “The Smiths Greatest Hits” as my soundtrack for the evening. Thanks Scheana, and thank you Johnny Marr for sparing us the worst of Morrissey’s excesses. The white would Pinky’s enormous white hat, which dominated the three scenes it was in. It deserves an Emmy. or at least whatever ferkakta Bravo award Andy will dream up once #LVPsWhiteHat starts trending.
Katie and Scheana arrive at SUR to get paid ahead of their trip to Palm Springs. Kristen, Stassi, and Stand Up Rachael are going to Rachael’s parent’s vacation home for the weekend, and Kristen, desiring to recapture her lost youth (or what she remembers of the last three years through her vodka and klonopin haze), clued Katie and Scheana in. “Last night” (remember, on #pumprules we must always use quotes when discussing relative time, since, in Who-vian fashion, time and location is not linear), Schwartz and Katie fought about Schwartz not having Katie’s back in her fight with Ariana. Katie left and drunk texted Schwartz for four hours with things like “I’m glad I’m not pregnant. Pawn the ring if you need the money. Get out of the apartment and take all your things with you. I can’t believe I considered you my fiance.” You know, charming little bon mots. (Schwartz later describes her as “Tequila Katie,” which is a little too close to the Mattie/Martha thing on my beloved Party Down South, and that she is the Shakespeare of drunken rage poetry.) Ariana arrives to get her check, too, and breezes past Katie and Scheana. Katie confuses “Condescending” with “Don’t give a fuck” and decided it’s the perfect time to go on the girls trip to Palm Springs to “blindside” Stassi. Katie assures both herself and the audience that Stassi will have no idea they are coming (wink wink) and will have no time to prepare a speech.
Meanwhile, in a clearly staged scene that has no purpose other than to set up the fact that…well…nothing, really…it’s just a staged scene to show us that Peter’s girlfriend’s son has Peter’s old hairdo and Jax, Peter, and Schwartz should never be allowed to procreate. The girlfriend drop her kid off for the guys to “babysit,” giving them a Gremlins inspired list of five things not to do. She leaves. The guys deliberately break every rule, including feeding the kid after midnight. Schwartz tells the camera they are teaching the young un that “You do whatever the hell you want but make sure you never tell the women what you have actually done.”
By the way, the kid is going through a princess phase, and if I see any trans shaming shit go down in the comments, I WILL hunt you down, Stassi style. Seriously. The kid’s cute and currently wants to be a princess. End of story.
We now enter dueling narratives, one at SUR and one in Palm Springs. For clarity, I’m not going to go with scene order, but storyline order:
In Palm Springs, Stassi bemoans her demotion in status amongst the group and literally just pours the entire bottle of vodka into a goblet that hold the exact same amount of liquid, plus ice. At least Jax just swug from the bottle. Insert “Jax swigging from any bottle” joke here. Kristen dubs this their “wild weekend.” Stassi tried hard to give the audience some quote meant to incite outrage, but, really, who cares. She wrote it (or had it written for her) prior to filming and was waiting for the right time to use it. Stassi quotes are SO two years ago, anyway.
Stassi feels bad she’s been left out of Katie’s milestones – she wants it specifically because she can’t have it. Once she has it, she’ll grow bored with it and disregard it again. Katie’s friendship is basically a cat toy. Allegory, bitches.
The doorbell rings and supposed actress Rachael says “Who would that be?” Based on her line reading, I now share Ariana’s outrage at Rachael being allowed on stage. It’s Katie and Scheana (who spends the weekend wearing a cap that says “Mrs. Shay”). Stassi fake cries and Katie takes control of the scene, snapping at Stassi to follow her to another room so they can talk. Scheana inserts herself into the scene by bringing Katie a matching goblet of vodka and hovers nearby to eavesdrop.
I’m not going to recap every line of the conversation, because, ultimately, Katie caves (although she does say that if she allows Stassi back into her life she’d be “a damn fool”). Stassi fake cries and cannot contain her smile at getting what she wanted, and more – an actual invitation to the Engagement Party. The next morning, we have a But what about Scheana? moment, as Scheana is afraid what Stassi’s return will mean for her, especially since she and Ariana are fighting. Kristen is just glad everyone she likes are friends again (Katie flinches at the hugging) and that everyone currently hates Ariana. Stassi smiles every time the Ariana hatred comes to the fore, knowing that if she can unite everyone around a common enemy, then she can emerge victorious. Stassi and Kristen both want things to go back to the way things were two seasons ago (Why is Bobby Ewing in Pam’s shower? ) Katie is cautious. As they leave Palm Springs, Stassi says “Fuck Caution” and Kristen says that “I’m as desperate as Stassi is!” THAT is Kristen we know and love and want to see more of. Just subtract Stassi and we’re good, dear.
As a non-girl manly man, can I ask if all women’s friendships are this fluid and superficial? Do all women secretly behave as if they are still in junior high and BFF status is this weird prized commodity to be exchanged like scented stickers and hand crafted yarn bracelets?
At SUR, between “yesterday at the beach” and “today,” James got a haircut. Lala calls him out on the random girl he was with and “the little boy stuff,” telling him that if he is truly not over Kristen then he needs to call her, tell her how he feels, and take her to dinner. She learned this reading Ayn Rand.
Jax and Sandoval have the exact same conversation they’ve had eight million times before about Jax not being a good friend and Sandoval being upset with Jax about it. Jax (who is allegedly 36 years old) has still not learned how to make the most basic of drinks and won’t ask Sandoval for help, leaving this poor woman at the bar without her Metropolitan. Schwartz shows up at the same time as Pinky and her huge white hat. Jax brings them drinks and hovers to eavesdrop and acts surprised when Schwartz says that Katie went to Palm Springs to see Stassi. Jax is not happy, as he is worried that is everyone becomes friend with Stassi again they will turn on him (again). He whines that HE was the one who stayed at SUR (when he wasn’t in Hawaii jail) while Stassi left in a fit of “fuck you’s” The next day LVP stops by to give advice to Ariana, who keeps saying that Scheana is a different person (no, she just look different due to plastic surgery) and that, thanks, Pinky, but no thanks on the advice.
James meets his mum for lunch, and although one is tempted to fast forward through this scene, one must watch because it explains James’ pathology perfectly. Summed up: Stage mom (her ultimate goal is for him to model for Calvin Klein). First son complex. Oedipal complex (he literally says his mum and Kristen are the same person). Alcoholism. James is twatty to his mother, who waves her finger and says “No! Bad twatty son! Respect me!”
“Later,” Katie and Schwartz, like, talk, and stuff. Katie is still wearing the same outfit from Palm Springs, which make me think they didn’t go to Palm Springs at all and the vacation house was really just The Alley tarted up with some throw pillows and vodka goblets. Nothing is resolved, really, since Katie will continue to write rage poetry while drunk on Tequila and Schwartz will still be a doormat, Bubbie, but, what they hell, they decide they still want to get married.
Next week: Twatty James stalks Kristen, who caves and makes out with him in her car. LVP is asked to host the Engagement Party at her home and agrees, but on condition that someone (Stassi? Kristen?) cannot come. Brittany says she wants to get married eventually and Jax sweats a lot.