Vanderpump Rules Recap: “Beach, Please”

Pump Rules Hooters

By Contributing Writer Xanadude

“Civilization is the progress toward a society of privacy. The savage’s whole existence is public, ruled by the laws of his tribe. Civilization is the process of setting man free from men.”  I don’t normally agree with Ayn Rand, but since Lala brought her up as her new favorite author (Lala.  Don’t.  Put down The Fountainhead and slowly make your way to the nearest copy of “Valley of the Dolls.”  Stop it.) I thought it appropriate to start with one of the few things that, granted, taken out of context, I agree with.  and is applicable.  and adds a veneer of literateness to this here recappy thang.  Won’t happen again, I promise.

Anyways, we start off, like all good Ayn Rand novels, with the gals lingerie shopping.  Ariana’s not into it, and Scheana sotto voces to Katie that Ariana’s being a bitch, before looking directly at Ariana and smiling and giggling.  Scheana just wants Ariana to be the way Scheana wants her to be.  Is that so hard?    Katie (at this point in the storyline) is NOT into Stassi and is upset about an upcoming girls weekend wherein it will be Katie, Stassi, Kristen, and Kristen’s comedian friend Rachel in a room together in Las Vegas. (What huh? Oh wait.  Timey-wimey VPR. All will be explained later, in a scene shot prior to this one, but not announced as such).  Scheana also carries the info from “last night’s” party that Jax told her his side of the fight with Sandoval and Scheana therefore believes Jax. Because… history?

Did someone say Magnums?

Did someone say Magnums?

Next, we are treated to a scene of James in a recording studio, working on his magnum opus, The Sergeant Pepper of EDM apparently. James compares himself to Kanye West.  Low hanging fruit – insert your own joke.  There are many to choose from – ego, misogyny, bankruptcy – take your pick.  Pinky is producing/underwriting it, and we find out why when we get several shots of Max jamming out on his guitar.  LVP blows past James to kiss Max warmly.  She tells James to “be professional and get shit done.”

Over tattoo removal session with the Toms, Ariana calls Sandoval to tell him about Jax running to Scheana and saying that the entire fight was about Sandoval being butt hurt (see what I did there?) over Jax’s non-support of Sandoval’s band.  We get an ass shot of Sandoval as he gets lasered with a big, Bond Villain device and the doctor/technician saying, as many many many have said before, “ On the count of three I want you to flex your butt cheeks really hard.”

Stassi is still pretending to squat at Kristen’s.  (I’m tired of the Stassi redemption storyline.  Either she’s back on the show or not, quit making her act contrite.)  Kristen is doing a comedy show with her friend Rachel (we are treated to a dramatic Kristen acting highlight reel) and Kristen reveals her plan to have Stassi and Katie in the same room at an upcoming show, which means she either repeating info that Stassi already knows for the camera or this was shot out of sequence with the earlier lingerie store shot.  Stassi is pretending to have emotions, and, much like when Ted Cruz does it, it doesn’t work and makes everyone uncomfortable.

Britt is getting new boobies (because Jax LIKES BOOBIES!) and Jax is regretting his recent actions, including, and I quote, “ rushing into a new relationship.”  I’d ask him about this, but he’s blocked me and I don’t really care, and will lay odds he’s already cheated on her, because he’s Jax and he as much admitted it several times this episode.  Jax perks up when he sees the pre implants.

Pump Scheana Wedding

Grab a couple of those balls, Shay. You’re going to need them later…

Scheana and Shay are in their apartment aka the Shrine to Scheana.  They have a cat names Salem, meaning Scheana is living out her Melissa Joan Hart fantasy and is pretending to be Sabrina, the Teenage Bitch.  For funsie, everyone needs to watch this episode and count the number of times Scheana uses a variation of “I/me/mine.”  (“Allllllllllllllllll through the days…I Me Mine/I Me Mine/I Me Mine.”  Look it up.  Music history, kids.)  Shay FINALLY gets mad at Scheana on camera.  Their collective plan is apparently for the two to move back to Shay and Scheana’s hometown (they went to high school together) and use their mothers as Granny Nannies while Shay becomes a teacher/coach and Scheana preens in front of a full length mirror all day.  Scheana reveals that her mother gave her this pearl of wisdom: “Marry first for money, second for love.”  Scheana says she did the opposite.  No, Scheana, you did not.  You just forgot to marry Eddie first instead of fuck him.  Which, again, make me wonder where Shay was during the entire time Scheana was with Eddie.  Was he in on it?  Was he not in LA yet?  Were they “together,” or is Scheana just rewriting her own history as she needs to? (Of course she is.)

Jax shows up to help get rid of the tainted possessed black couch in which every cast member has fucked from Tom and Ariana’s.  We get repeated shots of the couch being thrust through the door (allegory!) and a loving shot of Jax’s ass.  My theory?  Jax either slipped the camera and editor a twenty or gave other favors.  Afterglow.  Allegedly.  Ariana and Tom wait until after the old couch is out and the new couch is in before confronting Jax about “last night.”  Emotions get heated quickly and Jax accuses Ariana for influencing Tom. (She learned it at Lesbian Wicca College, maybe?)

It’s BOOBIE DAY!  Jax tries the “let’s put some Ds on this bitch” joke several times and only stops when Britt touches his arm in silent message.  Jax compares the boobies to a TV and himself to Santa Claus, saying he is “handing out little gifts here and there.”  I hate to break it to him, but, according to Emily Post, Cum shots are not gifts.

Peter and Lala are at SUR.  Lala says she is reading “The Fountainhead,” which she describes as a book about architects and architecture.  We’ve all heard the joke by John Rogers, right?  “There are two novels that can transform a bookish 14-year-kid’s life: The Lord of the Rings and Atlas Shrugged. One is a childish daydream that can lead to an emotionally stunted, socially crippled adulthood in which large chunks of the day are spent inventing ways to make real life more like a fantasy novel. The other is a book about orcs.”  Luckily, Lala does not get it, so we may be safe from having Lala become her generation’s Ann Coulter.

LVP joins Peter and Lala to discuss last night at PUMP.  James showed up drunk for his DJ job.  Kristen also showed up.  James got into a huge fight with the head waiter at PUMP, Richardson.  Richardson looks almost exactly like Matt from RHOA, so, yeah…uneven fight, and James needs to thank his gods everyday that Richardson knows restraint.  Lisa is pissed.  Later, she has a meeting with Richardson to discuss what happened.  Richardson tells the story – James showed up to work drunk.  Kristen also showed up, but that seems kind of ancillary to the story.  James goes off on Richardson, saying “You’re not talented.  You’re nothing.  You’re beneath me. I’m above you.  I’m James Kennedy.”  James arrives and tries to plead his case BY BLAMING IT ALL ON KRISTEN.  LVP isn’t having it and asides to Richardson (in French, so James can’t understand what they are saying).  Richardson repeats the story to James, who can’t remember what happened.  James again tries to go into his sorry/not my fault, mate mode but Lisa has the temerity of interrupting him, which sets him off on her.  James is fired from DJing, the CD is on hold, and James is allowed back to bus tables three times a week at SUR (and fulfil his filming schedule).

Jax and Britt are in Jax’s apartment post BOOBIE DAY!  We get another shot of Jax’s bathroom, which the editors are trying to turn into Alley 2.0, but nothing can ever replace my beloved Alley, so stop it.  Jax likes boobies and can’t wait to be able to put his face in between them for some sweet Kentucky Blumpkin Action.

Katie and Schwartz invite everyone to the beach for a day of engagement photos and a party, but professional model Schwartz doesn’t want to pose for photos. The next day, it’s Engagement Photo Beach Day, or, as I like to call it, Beach Blanket Bimbos.  Lala quickly susses out that the group needs an enemy and at any given time it could be any one of them.  Everyone eventually shows up at their production appointed staggered call times.

VANDERPUMP RULES -- Episode 417 -- Pictured: (l-r) James Kennedy, Ariana Madix,Tom Sandoval, Peter Madrigal, Jax Taylor, Lala Kent, Scheana Marie, Mike Shay, Kristen Doute, Tom Schwartz, Katie Maloney -- (Photo by: Isabella Vosmikova/Bravo)

(Photo by: Isabella Vosmikova/Bravo)

Kristen’s comedy show was last night (she did some sketches, she did some stand up, she did some writing.  It’s all good.)  Ariana thinks that Kristen is Single White Femaling her and says, in the heat of the moment, that Kristen’s friend’s comedy is, in her opinion, not original.  Remember, Ariana has been doing comedy for ten years.  So has Rachel.  Katie baits Ariana.  Ariana takes the bait, unfortunately, and it devolves into a “you’re pulling yourself away from the group/the group is alienating me” fight.  James shows up with random girl, Kristen says he found her on Craigslist (funny!), and Jax revels in the fall of James.

Kristen and Rachel arrive last and Jax immediately runs up to catch Kristen up on everything and rat out Ariana.  Kristen tells us that “I’ve learned in the last year not to be confrontational” and then immediately runs to confront Ariana.  Crazy Kristen has returned and all is right with the world.  I swear I heard Handel’s Messiah playing in the background.   Kristen, under the guise of protecting Rachel, unloads on Ariana.  Rachel is alternately pleased and horrified.  Pleased at the screen time she is receiving, horrified at the fact that she’s been reduced to the catalyst of the week.

Jax talks to Peter and brings up Hawaii, claims to be 36 several times and uses his acting voice to monologue to Peter about growing up. Peter (who was dropped from regular to recurring status between seasons one and two) says that sometimes, “It’s not bad to be not be talked about.”

Next week: Katie and Stassi finally meet face to face.

Click here to follow Xanadude on Twitter!


Filed under Bravo, Entertainment News, Vanderpump Rules

43 responses to “Vanderpump Rules Recap: “Beach, Please”

  1. therealdeb

    With all the lies that Jax has told over the years it makes me wonder why in the hell anyone would choose to believe him. So over Scheana

  2. Xanadude

    Im beginning to think Scheana deliberately chooses whichever side will 1) make her less loathsome in comparison and 2)will get her more screen time.

    • therealdeb

      I think you are right. She is becoming very tiresome. I do however think that Brittany owes Lala an apology for being a bitch to her about Jax, not just him apologizing to Lala. I do feel bad for Ariana, she really is the most normal of the bunch. I know nobody who acts like these morons. And James, holy shit, was he raised to to be such a pompous ass or is that for screen time? And the white Kanye line… He is smokin some serious shit.

  3. Spilledperfume

    I’m done watching this show. I’ll be reading your recaps and that’s it.

    • Sari

      The show will be hard to quit. Much like cocaine, I imagine.

      I mean, reading the recaps is like taking little bumps here and there just to get by and then, before you know it, you’ll be asserting that you’re the number one guy in this group as sweat drips down your bloated and reddened face… Then, once again, you’ll be hooked and watching the show.


  4. Maisey

    As always, a great recap.

    Could Peter have looked more bored when Jax was pouring his heart out on the beach? Jax was having his dramatic faux emotional moment, emoting up a storm. Peter was sitting there like a bored teenager dreaming about his next hairstyle. Lol.

    • Jax’s lifestyle has caught up with him, and instead of looking like one of the gang, he’s coming off like someone’s garrulous, dissipated and buffoonish uncle. You know, the one who is in his late 30’s and is still hanging out in bars wearing his fraternity sweatshirt.

  5. Sari

    “I’ve taken up reading books, so yeah…”

    Lala gets a gold star for reading a book. She’ll get another when she actually comprehends what she reads. Then, she can promptly apply said gold stars to her nipples and continue floating through life.

  6. Recap so much better than actual show–again! Thanks, Xanadude. I love that quote of Lord of the Rings vs Fountainhead.
    I wish there had been a lot less Kentucky boobs and a lot more Kristen at the comedy club. Would have loved seeing the whole sketch.
    I was annoyed that Lisa still let James buss tables when she fired Kristen for doing the same thing. I guess having Max as your bff has benefits.

  7. Jaana

    I totally forgot that Kristen punched Schwartz in the face. I love that girl.

  8. Jujue

    You are a magnificent writer ?

  9. More Tea Please!

    That whole beach scene, ugh. Katie’s no Pamela Anderson!

    • More Tea Please—-

      Aw Hell, Katie’s not even Louie Anderson.

      I will never get woman who so desperately want to get engaged/married and then try and change the guy into something he is never going to be. It never works.

      Schwartz is a sweet, goofy guy who seemed a hell of a lot happier pre- engagement.

      Come to think of it, Sandoval also seemed a lot more carefree prior to hooking up with that side-splitting, hilarious comedic giant Adriana.

  10. Purplefries 47

    Jax is high on Coke….. Sad

  11. Shae

    Jax is such an unfathomable fucktard. He heard Tom say the words “…angry we’re not talking about my band” and took it literally. If I recall, Tom was trying to say how RIDICULOUS it would be for him to say such a thing at a given time ( I don’t remember what the whole hypothetical was, but it was hypothetical!).

    Coked up and wacked out Jax just insists “I heard it!” so therefore, Tom and Ariana were “upset” nobody was talking about Tom’s band and everyone believes them.

    Le sigh.

    James deserved a fking smack for sniping at Lisa for “interrupting” him. That’s your damn boss, she’ll interrupt all she wants, watch your damn mouth. James’ mother ought to be ashamed of the complete lack of respect her slug of a son has. Speaking of slugs, I literally couldn’t stomach grimey Jax acting like a 5yr old on xmas morning about brittany’s boob job. Grow up, you’re a creep.

  12. This recap was as usual, brilliant. The show, on the other hand, is horrid and I am no longer able to watch it. These are the most shallow, self-entitled morons ever to roam the earth and the very fact that they exist is bothering me. Where are the redeeming qualities of any of these people? The humanity? An ounce of brain cell? I can’t stand Bravo anymore and am boycotting it. I will continue to read here and get my reality fix in small doses rather than wind up with nightmares after watching the entire show.I The thought of these idiots someday running the world is beyond horrifying. The thought that they might procreate is even scarier.

  13. Can anyone explain how someone who has been studying sketch comedy for 10 years be so insufferably unfunny?
    Yeah……Buster Keaton, Charlie Chaplin, Ariana. The comedy greats.

    I wish they would show some long clips of both Ariana’s and Kristen’s comedic talent on stage. That would be great to see.

    And the confrontation on the beach between the two of them as to who was the funniest? Their “read” was devoid of any humor. lol.

    • Sylvia

      While watching some of the hundreds of D- horror movies on hulu last week, two that I tried to fast forward through because they were so bad had the acting talents of Ariana Madix in the credits. One was about a bunch of half naked girls at a slumber party gone bad and had a floating eyeball zapping people and the other had her as a real estate agent selling a haunted Hollywood estate where the ghosts came back to life. That one was a ‘step up’ from the other one because Eric Roberts was in it :)

      Bottom line – it’s good she has a real job working for LV because neither acting or comedic efforts are something she does well. Well, actually, she was funny in both movies, but not intentionally….

  14. Twilly

    I can’t believe the way James speaks to LVP! He did it in the last episode too. She should ship him back to his mommy in London and be done with him. He’s disgusting.

    • Sylvia

      Agree! I think we are watching a meltdown in progress. Neither Lala or Kristen want anything to do with him and actually make fun of him to his face while he begs for attention. He really has become a joke to watch plus just creepy. Makes me wonder what he did that his mother asked for the major favor of LVP hiring him in the first place and why she keeps giving him chance after chance. I think there’s a lot to the story we won’t see. Maybe something will come out at the reunion, but I doubt it.

      • Xanadude

        Last years Reunion Revelation was Stassi Sex Tape, so just hoping like hell it’s not another one with twatty James.

    • More Tea Please!

      Mommy must be paying LVP to babysit Widdle James. That’s the only explanation for this debacle.

  15. Deb in SF

    Great recap, Xanadude, but one comment stopped me cold. You really think Richardson looks like Kenya’s Matt? I see no resemblance except for skin color. Anyone else have an opinion on this? I don’t mean to be disrespectful, and you may have been kidding, but really, they don’t all look alike.

  16. Gina

    Mmmm question…. didn’t Faith take Tom’s couch like 6 episodes ago because they were adulting and bought a new one???? Staging this shit and their stupid arguments is so unessecary since as I recall from my waitressing days, there is PLENTY of drama, rumors, fights, sex, drugs and alchohol without having to orchestrate any of it!

  17. Leelee

    I want to know more about Richardson. Like how does he know french?

Please Read the COMMENTING RULES before commenting.