Vanderpump Rules After Show With Kristen and Stassi!

Did someone say Magnums?

Did someone say Magnums?

Last night the great minds at Bravo stuffed three shows onto my DVR packaged as two hours of Vanderpump Rules.  The first hour was indeed the latest episode of #PumpRules awesomely recapped by Xanadude here.   I should first apologize for kind of screwing up his recap. I was oddly awake last night and went in to make some minor edits (or if you ask Xanadude REALLY IMPORTANT EDITS!!!) and my entire cable/Internet/phone took a giant nosedive at 3:04 am for some reason. Maintenance maybe?  Causing everything to crash mid editing and for some reason I can’t seem to fix anything on that post today.  Between that and the prodigal intern coming home to a decent welcome, as the good intern, he’s probably not speaking to me.

Also, I recapped the first half of the second hour, which was WWHL with Jax and Kentucky.   Some commenters there think I am being much to hard on the girl. But last night I found out she is TWENTY SEVEN Years Old with a brain as fully formed as it is going to get and thereby finally pointed out that she is really stupid and fucking up her entire life. I mean, didn’t we just watch a girl change her entire life to date a cheater with an alcohol problem and force a marriage in order to be on a TV show and then get divorced a few months later only to immediately hook up with a guy charged with rape?   I mean am I not supposed to point out this is a dumb, potentially deadly move?  Also, if you didn’t have the pleasure of watching that show, Kentucky was laughing continuously for half an hour while a montage of Jax’s worst moments were shown to her.  She was exuberant in her declaration that she loves everything about him. It’s a trainwreck with a really bad ending. Not to mention Jax has said on the show he regrets rushing into the relationship with her. It’s not like the girl is listening to me or anyone else. PumpRules Stassi Slaps Kristen gif

But I have saved the last half hour of this whole raunchy slimey mess because apparently, the aftershow with Brandy and Julie is back. And Brandy followed me today so now I can’t be a cunt. Well I can, but Xanadude has made me drink the People’s Couch Kool-Aid, and I’m  new convert. In fact, up until I screwed up his recap of last night, me and the dude were going to run away with the black family from People’s Couch and live in Norway with them.  I sure hope Brandy doesn’t ruin everything and warn them about that. Because it could still happen.

So I’m blathering because I am in a great mood because I just found a ton of dead fish on my doorstep. Which means someone loves me and is supporting my quasipescatarianism endeavors or I’ve pissed off a lot of mafia types with my Big Ang stories. #RIP Either way, it’s all very exciting.

Moving on… It’s KRISTEN on the Aftershow!  I’m really hoping the therapy is wearing off. Let’s watch. Wait. Please tell me that is straight vodka that Kristen is drinking and not water. Is she really going to do this sober? Even worse, is she pregnant? Because that would suck. Nine months sober and then she would probably be like a really good mom do lots of Mommy & Me type crap. And nobody wants that!

Stassi is clearly no longer doing the statement necklace. Now it is the statement string. She literally has ties a little piece of ribbon in a bow around her neck. What is with these #PumpRules chicks? Next week Katie wears a silk scarf wrapped around her neck like she is trying to cover the bandages from a tracheal shave. (Don’t worry, Katie has already blocked me, we can speak freely now.)  I’m just focusing on other things because they are having this whole conversation about how Kristen had to suck up to Stassi to win her back. Um noe. Kristen is just seeing some damn therapist that has turned her into some unrecognizable nice and compassionate version of herself.

Then we all pretend that Kristen and Stassi live together and cuddle like kittens. When we all know that Carter moved in like five minutes after they met and essentially got “Jaxed.”

How can you not love this level of delusion. Isn't that the point of these shows?

Finally, Kristen gets to point out that she had already left PUMP when James and the manager had a fight. Speaking of that, do we have any French speakers here because those subtitles didn’t match up to what LVP and the dude were trying to say. And LVP’s French seemed…rusty? Anyway, the point is that LVP somehow blames Kristen for everything James does. Something that happened again recently when she was called to PUMP to meet with WWHL production.  I mean the girl has practically reached enlightenment and they are still blaming her for everything.

Kristen is hellbent on bringing everyone together as sort of a redemption. Everyone agrees that James wants Kristen back because she is the best girlfriend in the entire world. But it’s just too late for James. Besides, he has LVP now.

OH NO! It’s James and LVP. Why not just an hour of Stassi? What does the twatty dishwasher’s mother have on LVP that she keeps supporting this wanker? James tries to explain why he is the white Kanye West. There is really no need to explain. They are exactly alike. James says he didn’t think he was being disrespectful to LVP when she fired him. But he understands now. LVP prods for more groveling. And James grovels immensely. Clearly, James is the new Brandi who was the new….what was that dude’s name that lived with her previously?  And I’m trying not to judge Julie for her obsession with LVP. I really am.

pump rules jax kentucky hawaii

AND it’s more Jax and Kentucky and Kentucky’s boobs.  Jax basically said the boobs were a makeup present for his whole felony arrest on the Hawaii trip. Kentucky looks a billion times better on this show than she did on WWHL. And her boobs look fabulous. Well, at least the two on her chest. The one next to her still looks the same. Even after they give Jax his one set of fake boobs to wear.

Brandy gets real with Kentucky and shows a montage of all the times Jax said he wanted to fuck Lala even when she wasn’t around to hear it. On WWHL Jax said he just said it to her so she would run tell James and make him jealous.  I wonder how he will explain all the other times he said it. Julie’s face is AMAZING. Jax launches into his story about just wanting to make James jealous. And Kentucky admits he never owned up to it until the shows aired. Julie has gone from looking like she has literally seen an angelic apparition  when LVP was there, to looking like she has just been told her entire family is dead and the only people left in the world are her and Jax. I’m just waiting for her to speak. But she seems dumbstruck as Jax rambles on with his lies. Eventually, she sort of channels her inner Taylor Swift and randomly says, “shake it off” which apparently is a command Jax has reinforced in Kentucky and she shakes her boobies and Julie is back to her happy place as if none of that even happened.

Next we smash up the vodka swilling party and his overly acted tearful confession to Peter on the beach.  It seems we are going to use these as proof that Jax has a soul. Um, okay. Only the only person to attempt that, was Jax who told us several times that we are seeing his vulnerable side and still seems to think that Sandoval was talking about his band.  So, vulnerable means telling your best friend you are more important to the group than he is and squeezing out some tears on a beach.  I guess it was better than the season that he screwed his best friend’s girlfriend (twice). Didn’t that end in a tearful beach scene as well? These people have more tearful beach scenes than Beaches.

And I’ve watched two hours of Vanderpump Rules shit in the last 24 hours. I’m going to need a cleanse. And some sea bass with a delicious side salad. If you’ve read all this, please accept three Tamara Tokens. Really, it’s the least I can do.

33 Comments

Filed under Entertainment News, Vanderpump Rules

33 responses to “Vanderpump Rules After Show With Kristen and Stassi!

  1. Tara

    Takes TT tokens -saving for the pink glitter cuffs that Ben spoke of.

  2. Cat

    Yay! I was happy to read this. I’m stuck in my chair today (long story), bored, and Facebook is a ghost town.

    What are you doing with the fish?

    • Dee

      Really great recap! That was a boatload of Vanderpump recaps! Thank you. I hope you enjoy the fish. It’s Tuesday Taco for us :)

    • Dee

      Kentucky is 27?! (Sorry, just sunk in) I’m shocked that someone her age is with Jax. Even if one overlooked everything from his past; how can she stay after Lala (stupid name)
      mentioned Jax said he wasn’t with Brittany? Jax isn’t winning, he’s not wealthy and his looks are fading fast.

      • Miguel

        Did u read Dee’s comment, Lala? Stupid name 4 a stupid girl… & the thoughts in her head go falalalala lalalala… Hello, is anybody home?

  3. Wasn’t that dude who was living with Lisa and Ken named Cedric? James’ mama totally has some goods on Lisa. She couldn’t even completely fire him. Thanks, TT!

  4. I am casting my bet that Jax dumps Kentucky right after the reunion is aired.

    • You know what, Lisamia? I bet Jax doesn’t ever break up with his girlfriends. I bet he puts them in a position to have no choice but to break up with HIM. Like get caught cheating.

      That way he can move on with ease and always look like the victim. Did you catch that funny scene at the airport when they were departing Hawai? Jax approaches Brittany with his head down like a little beagle and says something like “I wouldn’t blame you if you broke up with me”

      She doesn’t bite. She is never going to take his offer to break up. Ever.

      I think he is stuck with this one. I can see a pregnancy announcement in 3,2,1……

      Bwahahaha!

      • Undine

        Omg Maisey, you’re right! I see it now: Jax has met his match. Sweet lil Miss Kentucky is going to ride this Jax train and she is calling all the shots. In a few short months she has gone from obscurity to regulating appearing on VR, WWHL, new boobs, all sorts of opportunities. Time will tell if she’s smart or pretty enough to upgrade to some rich LA guy or foolish enough to reproduce with Jax. Either way the player is getting played. Lol.

      • Xanadude

        Yeah, from what we’ve seen when he grows bored with a mate his behavior increasingly worsens so that the other one will break up with him, continually pushing boundaries to see how much the other person can take before this self esteem causes them to flee.

  5. Spilledperfume

    Thank you for the tokens. I couldn’t watch the full two hours but I have read all of the posts.

  6. Jaded

    Well yes, I read the whole thing but I enjoyed it more than actually watching the show.

  7. TT — you’re going to need one of FroYo’s cryofreeze sessions to recover from the Vanderpump Rules ickiness.

  8. Billie_bee

    I think what Lisa said matched up pretty well to the subtitles…French Canadian French!

    But Kentucky is 27? Fucking 27? She is legit stupid. I can’t even with these morons.

  9. Shae

    I can’t understand how any bf could survive that montage of Jax talking about fking lala.

  10. i used to really dislike kristen but now she is a kinder, gentler girl. she has won me over. and julie and brandy are my favorite couch peeps :)

  11. Heidi

    I don’t buy Brittany’s sweet, southern girl act. She seems like she’s been around the block a few times. I also am not buying that Jax is 36. Five or six years ago maybe.

    • tamaratattles

      Somebody sent me some links to her old modeling pictures. She was in Kentucky 5’6″ too think and way too short to model. The photos were rather slutty poses Not the demure little thing we saw on TeeVee. I’m telling you, she has a lot in common with Jessica Parido except for the wealthy family, her own business and drop dead gorgeous looks. Kentucky is WAY prettier when she doesn’t pile on the makeup. Like most of em.

      • Heidi

        TT, I watched one season of Shahs, the season before the last one. I’m not that familiar with Jessica, but didn’t she convert to Judaism for Mike? I’m not surprised to hear about the slutty photos of Brittany. Exactly my point.

  12. VioletBlue

    Has no one ever asked Kentucky if she fears skanky disease??? 😮

  13. Xanadude

    I’m anxious to see Lala without James. I’m hoping she’ll be less…animated.

    • Heidi

      I don’t mind Lala. She’s not mean like the other “girls”. She also appears to be very young. I don’t think she’s putting on an act like some of the others (coy, giggly Brittany).

  14. Dracla Dunning

    Kentucky knows her way around the block and she is a perfect match for Jax. I hope they stay together. She sees him as her brass ring. When Jax stops giving to Kentucky she will move to the next mark. In the previous post TT brought up Kentucky’s family tree. I would suspect it looks like a palm.

  15. Lime Brain

    I’m in here reading this, stalling for time while I try to think of something nice to say about Nene. Do I still get my tokens?

  16. Stella

    French speaker here… So yes what Lisa said matched the subtitles. And i was surprised by her french its actually good!

    • tamaratattles

      maybe it was the British person speaking French that made it sound weird to me. I had trouble understanding some of it.

  17. Xanadude

    By the way, everyone needs to send Andy a message to give @thebrandyhoward and @mrjuliegoldman their own permanent show – and perhaps a RadioAndy slot.

  18. Valerie

    The black ribbon is not lame – it’s a classic style from the 1890’s.

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