@Andy I just saw my first four minutes of #PumpRules and you should be ashamed of that absolute shit for television. Shit.” ~ Some dude on Twitter.
“Could not possibly love
#PumpRules any more than I do and am proud to say it! ~Andy’s response.
That’s an exchange between Andrew and an Internet troll just before the show started tonight. Of course Andy loves Vanderpump Rules, it’s a cash cow! Disclaimer Because Xanadude has #PumpRules duty, I get a bit of a break on Monday nights to do other things, like make dinner and wash dishes so I haven’t watched yet, but I plan to after this recap! Andrew in all his pride over the show promised on his timeline that Kentucky “will be debuting her new chest.” So I guess we can expect more of his obsession over boobies. Sigh.
Britanny’s breasts look huge even though she has them fully covered up in a high neck dress.
James Kennedy said the was the white Kanye West tonight? I think that is a very fitting description. They are certainly evenly matched in the sense that they both seem to be two effeminate men who go out of their way to present as aggressively heterosexual to the public and are vile, unappealing and unstable. I think this is an apt comparison.
Quick Questions for Kentucky:
Have you ever asked Jax what his number is? No and she doesn’t want to know.
Did you move to LA just for Jax? Yes.
What is your career goal? Ahhhh…. I’m uh…figuring that out.
Which of the girls are you closest to on the show? Scheana. Oh honey between Jax and Scheana you can really pick ’em.
Do you have to wear those tan tights at Hooters? (Um, you mean panty hose?) Yes.
Moving on, when Jax sees himself in a sweaty stupor over and over on TV, does he think he is hiding his habit? These are questions I wish Andy would ask. Britanny’s boobs allegedly cost more than $5K but less than $10K with his discount.
You know, when you watch this show sober after not having watched the episode, it really is hugely hysterically scripted. “Now go down to the beach and insult each other over who is the better comic. Really? Who writes this stuff?
Britanny loves everything about Jax. Everything y’all! His felony record, his profuse sweating, his on camera pleas for Lala to have sex with him while they were supposedly exclusive, the way he can fake cry, the easy with which he lies, his homeerotic relationship with the Toms, the way he poops with the bathroom door open, his ever collapsing septum, the way his face makes him look old enough to be her grandfather… There is just so much to love. y’all!
I’m not sure how to explain Britanny’s look tonight. It’s very Kentucky. It’s like if Winonna Judd and Elvis Presley had a son who grew up transgendered and then had the operation to become female and tried to keep the mullet look with long hair and also went way too large on a boob job and then went on her first talk show with a guy who whose “number has four digits” to answer random phone calls live and was worried she might piss herself at any moment. That’s kind of what it looks like. Does that make sense? And her accent is times ten, which happens when southern people drink a lot. Don’t ask me how I know this. It’s actually more of a cross between a Mohawk and a mullet.
Actually, I’m not sure she is drinking and her face looks…well… please tell me these two have been using protection and she’s not pregnant. She looks sort of pregnant in the face.
Most of the questions can be answered with Jax really, really hates James. And Britanny really, really loves Jax.
Oh Jax made a huge play for sympathy tonight with soft target Peter saying that when you are a 36 year old man stealing sunglasses from a store there is something wrong there. Yes there is, it’s called drugs and alcohol. I’m going to guess you were being a weepy drunk when you made that comment about losing all of your friends. My DVR is paused on his face right as the clip ended and he has beady eyes and the slightest self satisfied grin. Andy seems to be buying it.
Andy played a scene with Katie and Stassi sitting down. I can’t tell you what they talked about because the clip was not that long and I spent all of it wondering if Katie had some sort of throat surgery or perhaps rope burns or hickeys or something around her neck as she had the weird scarf wound very tightly around her throat. And um, not in a good way.
Britanny says she got the size boobs she wanted. She loves them and no one else’s opinion matters to her.
Finally Andy comes with the Shaded. First he said Jax was very Jaxed up tonight on #PumpRules and Jax says he was drinking vodka straight from the bottle. Britanny says, “oh! Dear!” and laughs and laughs. Did she learn that from Scheana? Now Andy is going to ask Britanny about things Jax has done in past season and show her clips. YAY!
Andy asks how many shots he took at Peter’s party when he drank all the shots that were for everyone. She guess five and then laughs and laughs when he drinks 7 and says look how young you were! Yeah, that was like two or three years ago. He looks two or three decades older. Is that normal?
Andy shows Jax screwing girls in bathrooms, stealing from his employer and ruining a perfectly good chunky sweater to get in a fight and Kentucky just laughs and laughs at how cute he is. And his family and friends love him, y’all! Kentucky gets one of the cheap weird aqua colored camisoles that she will never be able to wear again, and Jax gets the good sweatpants, because Andy really likes Jax. A lot. And he probably doesn’t even have to pay.
Britanny agrees with a caller who says the reason Jax hates James is because he is a younger version of himself. Britanny says she just turned 27. Oh wow. I didn’t realize her brain had fully formed. Now I am concerned about congenital issues often associated with family trees without many forks. Because, she’s a couple standard deviations below the mean, y’all.
Andy is having Lala back on WWHL on Wednesday. Oh joy!