By Contributing Writer, Xanadude
Much as in real life lately, tonight’s Vanderpump Rules was full of weird edits – or is that just me and medication I’m on? Scenes would start at one point in time and then jump back to an event the previous evening. Night would become day in the space of a jump cut and it was disconcerting but nowhere near as disturbing as last night’s Real Housewives of Atlanta. Yeah, I’m still pissed about that. SURvers, bring me some much needed comfort and diversion.
Incidentally, Jax retweeted me, called me a fool, then blocked me over the weekend. And that was over one VERY innocuous tweet about his adventure in Hawaii. I think he would REALLY dislike me if he read the recaps here, but I’m sure it’d all be water under the bridge if I met his Hawaiian overnight outcall rate of $1100. Allegedly.
Lala and her roomie are throwing a party. Lala inherited Stassi’s old apartment and is apparently a Stassi fan girl from when they met several years ago at a convention and Stassi complimented Lala’s style. Lala says that based on that one interaction she has no opinion on Stassi. We have lots of blue tinged flashbacks to Jax and Stassi in the apartment.
The weird editing kicks in and suddenly it’s earlier in the day and Jax is back at SUR. LVP is “surprised” to see him back and gives him community service to attone for his sins – he must participate in a clothing drive for Covenant House. (Remove the tags first, Jax.) Jax claims it’s no biggie and that he will do whatever LVP wants him to do in order to save face. Speaking of Face, let’s talk about Jax’s. His scars are healing, which is good. And Jax gives the best face on the show – seriously Watch His Facial Expressions. He’s a master. You can screen grab pretty much any scene he’s in and his facial contortions make him the center of the shot.
Edit back to the party (Let’s Throw a Party In Which No One Likes Each Other!) that evening and Sandoval and Ariana show up wearing HUGE Lala hoop earrings, causing Lala to start to refer to herself in the third person and say that “Lala wears hoop earrings better than anyone!” and we see flashbacks on all the times Lala has worn hoop earrings. It was really funny and genuine on the parts of everyone involved, which is good, cuz shit’s about to go down with Stassi, who is currently cowering in the kitchen,hiding behind a huge bowl of pretzel sticks. Tom and Ariana start by ignoring Stassi, which is the perfect thing to do, because it infuriates her. Scheana and Shay show up and Scheana shades Stassi by continually mispronouncing her name as Stazhi and giving her a bottle of pinot grigio with a blue bow (recalling Stassi’s last interaction with Scheana at SUR. You had to be there to get it, but it was good). In a talking head, Shay tries and fails three times to sell the joke/title of the episode (“Bitch Ghost”), but, dammit, he’s Shay and he’s trying and we love him for it. We have lots of Stazhi being horrible to Scheana flashbacks.
Incidentally, I’m kinda loving on Scheana now that Stazhi’s back. It takes a Stassi to put a Scheana in perspective. Stazhi at one point says to random background actress “I used to love confrontation” while sipping her goblet of virgin puppy blood and plotting how to get back on the show permanently.
I’m going to pause for a moment while you all do your homework assignment. Google “McGuffin” and “Hitchcock” then join me back here for the next observation. I’ll wait. Back? Katie’s friendship is the McGuffin of the season. Everyone wants it. No one knows why, and, ultimately, it’s unimportant to the overall plot of the season but drives most of the drama.
An aside: they are running a ‘mercial for Bud Light’s Lime-a-Rita and I’m appalled not at the concept of the Lime-a-Rita but at the fact that they think it is acceptable for cater waiters to open up a pop top in a museum. Declassé.
The older SURvers are all overdressed for the party, while the younger ones are all in cutoffs and t-shirts. Generation divide, y’all. Tom and Ariana remove their earrings to finally talk to and acknowledge Stassi.
Weird edit back to earlier in the day while Jax, Schwartz, and Katie eat tacos and THEN blue tinge flashback to Lala not inviting Katie to the party and THEN flash forward back to the time when they are eating tacos and dissing Lala AND Brittany’s boobies and THEN we edit back to the party, which is later that night. Vanderpump Rules, where everything is all timey-whimey. Look it up.
Stazhi brings Scheana a shot with a side of condescension, and Scheana says she had nothing to with the distribution of Stazhi’s Epic Film. Stazhi still thinks Scheana is behind it all but because she wants nothing more than Katie’s friendship (which is either code for “getting back on the show” or an allegory about the life of Jesus Christ – in high school I found you could bullshit your way through any book report by saying it was an allegory for the life of Jesus Christ) she “accepts” Scheana’s “apology.” Except Scheana didn’t apologize for anything, because, according to Scheana, she didn’t do anything. And at this point Scheana’s word is much more golden than Stassi’s, but maybe that’s because this recap is an allegory for the life of Jesus Christ.
Sandoval goes in on Stassi at some point but he isn’t buying any of it, so, that’s a dead end for Stassi but some pretty good TV viewin’. Ariana has reached a weird detente with Scheana.
Edit back to Taco Lunch Time and Schwartz drops that he invited Stassi to the engagement party and Katie freaks out, saying that even now Stassi is being selfish – she wants what she cannot have, the big brass ring that is Katie Maloney’s friendship. Hell, at this point, I want Katie Maloney’s friendship and it’s just because everyone is talking about it. I bet it’s magical and will solve world hunger.
Finally it’s the next day and we learn that Stassi keeps Kristen drunk and sedated while she works her evil magic, plotting their way up the pole to the prize that is Katie Maloney. Kristen insults my Lala and I remember why I don’t like Stassi and Kristen together.
The Toms are on their way to the Bidness Meeting with Pandora and Jason (remember that plot line?) and are lip syncing to Sandoval’s band’s CD. Tom’s band is Charles McMansion and the single is T.I.P. Take a listen to it. It’s pretty good, and I dig the video.
On the way to the meeting, Schwartz quits, wanting to concentrate on his modeling (cue cut to Schwartz’s signature move, the Bunny Hop).
Weird Edit and it’s suddenly a very busy Tuesday night at SUR. LVP and Scheana discuss Stazhi. I’m going to block quote LVP here: Scheana believes in a world of “unicorns and rainbows. She doesn’t hold people accountable for their actions. She forsakes their responsibilities.” Apparently Scheana lives in Adult Swim’s Robot Unicorn Attack Games, and, if that means Erasure’s song “Always” is constantly playing, I wanna live there too. Erasure. Sometime when you’re a little older I’ll tell you about my time at Erasure concerts. and the time at a Cure concert where I learned that one must always wear underwear when one wears cheap leather pants, or at least one must judicially powder one’s Lalas beforehand to avoid painful next day injuries when one removes said leather pants. But I digress.
Max is serving, Jax is bartending, and everyone talks about the Marriage Equality dinner SUR is hosting the next evening. Scheana is hosting the after party. Sandoval is excited about his band. Jax is not and takes to dissing it, and, basically, Sandoval and Sandoval’s ambitions. No insults from me at Sandoval and Ariana, who really ARE adulting and pursuing a life beyond the glittery pink world LVP has created.
The next day the Toms and Jax show up at Ken and Lisa’s with some clothing for the Covenant House Clothing Drive. Jax voices his ulterior motives for donating to charity (I’ll donate because it will make me look good with Lisa!) and Pinky sets them to work sorting clothes with the admonition to not take anything from Ken’s donation pile for their own personal use. Pinky actually finds a shirt with a tag still on it (naughty Jax) and allows them a few minutes alone. The SURvers find the naked picture of LVP we’ve previously seen on RHOBH and Schwartz soaks it in for later use in his spank bank, before being summoned downstairs to talk to Lisa.
Lisa asks Schwartz about the meeting with Pandora and Jason yesterday (which we DIDN’T SEE because of the weird edits) in which he quit. One blue tinged flashback and one admonition from Pinky later (“you’re being a wussy pussy) and we learn that Schwartz really wants to concentrate on his acting and modeling. LVP dismisses it, and him, saying he needs to grow up for Katie.
Later that night at the Marriage Equality party, sponsored by the person who made the Schwartz’s engagement ring, Kristen (!) has dumped Aleks (they fucked. it was good. they’re still friends. no biggie) and is now with Bearded Carter. Kristen apparently crashed this party, and wastes no time is pointing out Sandoval to Carter. Ariana is creeped out, and rightfully so, as Carter and Kristen start making out in the middle of the dance floor. Schwartz is wearing a shirt of Ken’s, and Lisa catches him. He says that since the clothes are being donated until tomorrow, it’s cool. Pinky makes a beeline to the DJ booth to remind James that he is only allowed ONE DRINK. James gives a little talking head being contrite, but we know he’s not. Speaking of – who was more contrite tonight? Jax, Stassi, or James? If you answered “None of the above” you’d be right!
At the after party, Katie and Schwartz start/continue their fight about Schwartz’s lack of ambition. His eyes dart scarily when Katie brings up the idea of starting a family, and he stumbles through a really bad explanation in which he makes things worse by saying Katie has no idea what ambition is because she was never an actor/model. Katie fumes.
Jax likes boobies! We know this because he said it several times. Just like that. “I like boobies!”
He said he is really good friends with his plastic surgeon (Plastic surgery punch card: one more nose job and the next one is free!) and that if he can get a discount that Brittany is getting new boobies, because Jax likes boobies! Ariana opines that Jax should be dating a lump of clay that he can mold – mold their opinions! mold their face! mold their boobies! because Jax likes boobies and Ariana went to lesbian wiccan college and read “Pygmalion” and wanted to use THAT as an allegory.
Watch the after party, by the way – everyone starts drinking from cups but by the end of the episode are just swiggin’ out of bottles. Jax has bottle of vodka and Schwartz has downed a bottle of Boone’s Farm. Katie and Scheana discuss Stazhi (“she’s picking off the weaker ones like a sniper”) and Schwartz.
Jax does the obligatory Misogynistic Rant of the Evening (he likes boobies, remember), saying, in regards to Brittany’s upcoming boob job, “if I’m financing them, I want ‘em how I want ‘em”). Brittany is horrified, Ariana just plain is disgusted, and Katie Maloney, Feminist Voice of Her Generation, rightly points out that it is Brittany’s body and she has to live with ‘em. Jax continues to rant, going between “I’m sorry baby” and “I like Boobies!” and even Schwartz has to admit that Jax is “acting weird.” Apparently he’s been “acting weird” for a few days. Sniff sniff sniff.
The Toms call out Jax for being a shitty friend in regards to Sandoval’s music and Schwartz’s missteps with (and castration by) Katie. Jax finally proclaims himself THE MAN in the group and the Toms have enough and leave the room before Jax starts pounding his chest and flinging his feces. Ook ook ook. Boobies!
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