Vanderpump Rules Recap: Bitch Ghost

Poor Shay...

Poor Shay…

By Contributing Writer, Xanadude

Much as in real life lately, tonight’s Vanderpump Rules was full of weird edits – or is that just me and medication I’m on? Scenes would start at one point in time and then jump back to an event the previous evening.  Night would become day in the space of a jump cut and it was disconcerting but nowhere near as disturbing as last night’s Real Housewives of Atlanta.  Yeah, I’m still pissed about that.  SURvers, bring me some much needed comfort and diversion.

Incidentally, Jax retweeted me, called me a fool, then blocked me over the weekend.  And that was over one VERY innocuous tweet about his adventure in Hawaii.  I think he would REALLY dislike me if he read the recaps here, but I’m sure it’d all be water under the bridge if I met his Hawaiian overnight outcall rate of $1100. Allegedly.

Lala and her roomie are throwing a party.  Lala inherited Stassi’s old apartment and is apparently a Stassi fan girl from when they met several years ago at a convention and Stassi complimented Lala’s style.   Lala says that based on that one interaction she has no opinion on Stassi.  We have lots of blue tinged flashbacks to Jax and Stassi in the apartment.

The weird editing kicks in and suddenly it’s earlier in the day and Jax is back at SUR.  LVP is “surprised” to see him back and gives him community service to attone for his sins – he must participate in a clothing drive for Covenant House. (Remove the tags first, Jax.)  Jax claims it’s no biggie and that he will do whatever LVP wants him to do in order to save face.  Speaking of Face, let’s talk about Jax’s.  His scars are healing, which is good.  And Jax gives the best face on the show – seriously Watch His Facial Expressions.  He’s a master.  You can screen grab pretty much any scene he’s in and his facial contortions make him the center of the shot.

So what's the problem

 

Edit back to the party (Let’s Throw a Party In Which No One Likes Each Other!) that evening and Sandoval and Ariana show up wearing HUGE Lala hoop earrings, causing Lala to start to refer to herself in the third person and say that “Lala wears hoop earrings better than anyone!” and we see flashbacks on all the times Lala has worn hoop earrings.  It was really funny and genuine on the parts of everyone involved, which is good, cuz shit’s about to go down with Stassi, who is currently cowering in the kitchen,hiding behind a huge bowl of pretzel sticks.  Tom and Ariana start by ignoring Stassi, which is the perfect thing to do, because it infuriates her.  Scheana and Shay show up and Scheana shades Stassi by continually mispronouncing her name as Stazhi and giving her a bottle of pinot grigio with a blue bow (recalling Stassi’s last interaction with Scheana at SUR.  You had to be there to get it, but it was good).  In a talking head, Shay tries and fails three times to sell the joke/title of the episode (“Bitch Ghost”), but, dammit, he’s Shay and he’s trying and we love him for it. We have lots of Stazhi being horrible to Scheana flashbacks.

Incidentally, I’m kinda loving on Scheana now that Stazhi’s back.  It takes a Stassi to put a Scheana in perspective.  Stazhi at one point says to random background actress “I used to love confrontation” while sipping her goblet of virgin puppy blood and plotting how to get back on the show permanently.

I’m going to pause for a moment while you all do your homework assignment.  Google “McGuffin” and “Hitchcock” then join me back here for the next observation.  I’ll wait.  Back? Katie’s friendship is the McGuffin of the season.  Everyone wants it.  No one knows why, and, ultimately, it’s unimportant to the overall plot of the season but drives most of the drama.

An aside: they are running a ‘mercial for Bud Light’s Lime-a-Rita and I’m appalled not at the concept of the Lime-a-Rita but at the fact that they think it is acceptable for cater waiters to open up a pop top in a museum. Declassé.

The older SURvers are all overdressed for the party, while the younger ones are all in cutoffs and t-shirts.  Generation divide, y’all.  Tom and Ariana remove their earrings to finally talk to and acknowledge Stassi.

Weird edit back to earlier in the day while Jax, Schwartz, and Katie eat tacos and THEN blue tinge flashback to Lala not inviting Katie to the party and THEN flash forward back to the time when they are eating tacos and dissing Lala AND Brittany’s boobies and THEN we edit back to the party, which is later that night.  Vanderpump Rules, where everything is all timey-whimey.  Look it up.

pump rules StassiStazhi brings Scheana a shot with a side of condescension, and Scheana says she had nothing to with the distribution of Stazhi’s Epic Film.  Stazhi still thinks Scheana is behind it all but because she wants nothing more than Katie’s friendship (which is either code for “getting back on the show” or an allegory about the life of Jesus Christ – in high school I found you could bullshit your way through any book report by saying it was an allegory for the life of Jesus Christ)  she “accepts” Scheana’s “apology.”  Except Scheana didn’t apologize for anything, because, according to Scheana, she didn’t do anything.  And at this point Scheana’s word is much more golden than Stassi’s, but maybe that’s because this recap is an allegory for the life of Jesus Christ.

Sandoval goes in on Stassi at some point but he isn’t buying any of it, so, that’s a dead end for Stassi but some pretty good TV viewin’.  Ariana has reached a weird detente with Scheana.

Edit back to Taco Lunch Time and Schwartz drops that he invited Stassi to the engagement party and Katie freaks out, saying that even now Stassi is being selfish – she wants what she cannot have, the big brass ring that is Katie Maloney’s friendship.  Hell, at this point, I want Katie Maloney’s friendship and it’s just because everyone is talking about it.  I bet it’s magical and will solve world hunger.

Finally it’s the next day and we learn that Stassi keeps Kristen drunk and sedated while she works her evil magic, plotting their way up the pole to the prize that is Katie Maloney.  Kristen insults my Lala and I remember why I don’t like Stassi and Kristen together.

The Toms are on their way to the Bidness Meeting with Pandora and Jason (remember that plot line?) and are lip syncing to Sandoval’s band’s CD.  Tom’s band is Charles McMansion and the single is T.I.P.  Take a listen to it.  It’s pretty good, and I dig the video.

On the way to the meeting, Schwartz quits, wanting to concentrate on his modeling (cue cut to Schwartz’s signature move, the Bunny Hop).

Weird Edit and it’s suddenly a very busy Tuesday night at SUR.  LVP and Scheana discuss Stazhi.  I’m going to block quote LVP here: Scheana believes in a world of “unicorns and rainbows.  She doesn’t hold people accountable for their actions.  She forsakes their responsibilities.”  Apparently Scheana lives in Adult Swim’s Robot Unicorn Attack Games, and, if that means Erasure’s song “Always” is constantly playing, I wanna live there too.  Erasure.  Sometime when you’re a little older I’ll tell you about my time at Erasure concerts.  and the time at a Cure concert where I learned that one must always wear underwear when one wears cheap leather pants, or at least one must judicially powder one’s Lalas beforehand to avoid painful next day injuries when one removes said leather pants.  But I digress.

Pump Rules Pride

Max is serving, Jax is bartending, and everyone talks about the Marriage Equality dinner SUR is hosting the next evening.  Scheana is hosting the after party.  Sandoval is excited about his band. Jax is not and takes to dissing it, and, basically, Sandoval and Sandoval’s ambitions.  No insults from me at Sandoval and Ariana, who really ARE adulting and pursuing a life beyond the glittery pink world LVP has created.

 

The next day the Toms and Jax show up at Ken and Lisa’s with some clothing for the Covenant House Clothing Drive.  Jax voices his ulterior motives for donating to charity (I’ll donate because it will make me look good with Lisa!) and Pinky sets them to work sorting clothes with the admonition to not take anything from Ken’s donation pile for their own personal use.  Pinky actually finds a shirt with a tag still on it (naughty Jax) and allows them a few minutes alone.  The SURvers find the naked picture of LVP we’ve previously seen on RHOBH and Schwartz soaks it in for later use in his spank bank, before being summoned downstairs to talk to Lisa.

Lisa asks Schwartz about the meeting with Pandora and Jason yesterday (which we DIDN’T SEE because of the weird edits) in which he quit.  One blue tinged flashback and one admonition from Pinky later (“you’re being a wussy pussy) and we learn that Schwartz really wants to concentrate on his acting and modeling.  LVP dismisses it, and him, saying he needs to grow up for Katie.

Later that night at the Marriage Equality party, sponsored by the person who made the Schwartz’s engagement ring, Kristen (!) has dumped Aleks (they fucked. it was good. they’re still friends. no biggie) and is now with Bearded Carter.  Kristen apparently crashed this party, and wastes no time is pointing out Sandoval to Carter.  Ariana is creeped out, and rightfully so, as Carter and Kristen start making out in the middle of the dance floor.  Schwartz is wearing a shirt of Ken’s, and Lisa catches him.  He says that since the clothes are being donated until tomorrow, it’s cool.  Pinky makes a beeline to the DJ booth to remind James that he is only allowed ONE DRINK.  James gives a little talking head being contrite, but we know he’s not.  Speaking of – who was more contrite tonight?  Jax, Stassi, or James?  If you answered “None of the above” you’d be right!

At the after party, Katie and Schwartz start/continue their fight about Schwartz’s lack of ambition.  His eyes dart scarily when Katie brings up the idea of starting a family, and he stumbles through a really bad explanation in which he makes things worse by saying Katie has no idea what ambition is because she was never an actor/model.  Katie fumes.

Jax likes boobies! We know this because he said it several times.  Just like that.  “I like boobies!”

He said he is really good friends with his plastic surgeon (Plastic surgery punch card: one more nose job and the next one is free!) and that if he can get a discount that Brittany is getting new boobies, because Jax likes boobies!  Ariana opines that Jax should be dating a lump of clay that he can mold – mold their opinions! mold their face! mold their boobies! because Jax likes boobies and Ariana went to lesbian wiccan college and read “Pygmalion” and wanted to use THAT as an allegory.

Watch the after party, by the way – everyone starts drinking from cups but by the end of the episode are just swiggin’ out of bottles.  Jax has bottle of vodka and Schwartz has downed a bottle of Boone’s Farm.  Katie and Scheana discuss Stazhi (“she’s picking off the weaker ones like a sniper”) and Schwartz.

Jax does the obligatory Misogynistic Rant of the Evening (he likes boobies, remember), saying, in regards to Brittany’s upcoming boob job, “if I’m financing them, I want ‘em how I want ‘em”).  Brittany is horrified, Ariana just plain is disgusted, and Katie Maloney, Feminist Voice of Her Generation, rightly points out that it is Brittany’s body and she has to live with ‘em.  Jax continues to rant, going between “I’m sorry baby” and “I like Boobies!” and even Schwartz has to admit that Jax is “acting weird.”  Apparently he’s been “acting weird” for a few days.  Sniff sniff sniff.

The Toms call out Jax for being a shitty friend in regards to Sandoval’s music and Schwartz’s missteps with (and castration by) Katie.  Jax finally proclaims himself THE MAN in the group and the Toms have enough and leave the room before Jax starts pounding his chest and flinging his feces.  Ook ook ook.  Boobies!

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29 Comments

Filed under Entertainment News, Vanderpump Rules

29 responses to “Vanderpump Rules Recap: Bitch Ghost

  1. Spilledperfume

    Great recap. I love the look on Lala’s face in that video. Is that Shay dancing in the beginning? I can’t tell but I’m guessing it is.

    I died when Tom told Katie she was never a model. It came up again on WWHL.

  2. BKSweetheart

    Man I really feel for Schwartzy. Katie was just straight shitting on him for 10 min straight. Can only imagine how she acts when the cameras aren’t on. I used to sort of like her but she’s become very sanctimonious and self involved.

    • Kika

      Yes, not only will she not have sex with him but she is incrementally castrating him. A little positive motivation wouldn’t hurt here Katie!

      • Shae

        I get that, but on the other hand, you shouldn’t have to positively reinforce and motivate a grown man to work and get a job. Cmon. Schwartz is cute, but he’s not a man- he’s scared of everything, takes little to no responsibility, has no work ethic and no real backbone. He is sweet, and not a bad person by any means, but he is not grown in the sense that this is an equal partner/man you could rely on to pull his weight.

        That being said, Katie bears responsibility because she chose him. You can’t know how someone is then expect them to magically change just because you got engaged, you knew who he was before hand so I don’t exactly think it’s fair of her to be so upset that he’s acting exactly how he always has. It was a big step for him to “commit” to her but he’s still behaving like a child in many ways.

      • Shae

        That was so cringe-worthy when Jax was going on about being “the man”. If you have to say it, you’re not lol

        If by “man” you mean pathetic little man-baby who runs around coked up, lying, whining, and stealing while mooching off his gf, then yes, you are exactly that, Jax lol

  3. I cracked up a the Toms in the mini jamming to the music. I was waiting for A Night at the Roxbury moment!

  4. This recap was an allegory to the story of Jesus Christ! Thanks, Xanadude. :) Poor Brittany, every time she looks at her boobs, she is going to have to think of Jax.

  5. DejaBlue53

    I love all your recaps but this one is fanfreakintastic! I’m a Hitchcock nut so that reference was awesome. Your take (and $1100 tea) on Jax is hilarious and perfection. Throwing feces LMAO His crazy eyes, flushed face and bulging veins…sniff sniff sniff indeed!

  6. pocketbooklover

    I was really disappointed that Max sat there and let James talk to his mother that way. Very disrespectful of both of them.

  7. I like Alpha Barbie Stassi better than Grovel Barbie Stassi.
    I keep thinking she is doing all this apology tour to get back on the show. Then, like a dope, I realize she IS on the show. Duh. That’s my stupid Scheana moment. You know, Scheana Stupidity by Proxy.

    After Stassi worms her way back in the group, I predict she will be back to her old ways. She will truly do something awful like have sex with Shay.
    Scheana will be livid. Shay will not have noticed.

    • Allison

      @maisey I agree! Grovel Barbie Stassi is just….strange. Although its sort of funny watching the inner turmoil you can actually see when she’s forced to bite her tongue. The whole must-be-friends-with-Katie storyline seems contrived. Since when does Stassi care that much about anyone but Stassi?

      • Mark

        OMG if she DELIBERATELY gets everyone to like her and the DELIBERATELY fucks Shay, all will be forgiven. If she stays with Queen Kristen while they cackle and make evil plans over Pinot even better!!!!

        Buuuuut I suspect she’ll just be a cunt. One can dream.

      • Kika

        Stassi only sees Katie as a “challenge”.

    • I hef Shaena by proxy stupidity too and here are de papers to prove eet.

  8. Mm in OC

    This recap rocks! Better than watching the show.

  9. Kika

    Phewwww! Just finished watching from my DVR. Jax is doing crystal meth or some other chemicals!!! It is not just booze. It was too painful to watch.

  10. Gapeachinsc

    Massey – so funny about Stassi working her way back on the show – and she has!!! You really made me laugh. I guess there are probably a few of us who had the same stupid Scheana moment. (I had to type her name 3 times … Auto correct kept changing her name to “beans”. )

  11. Xanadude

    It’s the little moments that make this show so great: we KNOW the show is artificial and production driven, but it’s the moments of Divine Intersection that are great – when the obviously artificial setup of the moment is hijacked by the actual emotions/real life of the people in the scene. Pinky and Max and James meet to further the plot by talking about Jame’s lovelife, but his obvious dislike and hatred for Jax overwhelms him – Everyone goes to Hawaii for a pretend party but Jax commits a felony – Stassi NEEDING to apologize to everyone to get back on the show, but her obvious disdain for everyone she is apologizing to (in essence, production mandated self humiliation – taste the schadenfreude!) – it’s those little moments that make this SO much better than your average show.

    Plus, there is genuine emotion investmant in having a group of people cast who had previous relationships rather than being thrown together for a TV show (Below Deck, I’m looking at you. And any HWs show past its second season).

  12. Queen of the Nile

    One of your best recaps, Xanadude — thanks!!

    This show will get better when 1) Stassi stops groveling and returns to her evil ways, 2) Kristen ditches therapy and gives us hand-rubbing craziness and 3) Katie reverts back to a doormat and stops the incessant whining / Schwartz-castrating.

  13. Lindsay

    Thanks, X.Dude, unbelievably awesome recap, so witty and funny, I actually laughed out loud more than once, very cleverly written and spot on!

  14. m

    this was hilarious!! Love your writing and also your personal anecdotes (duly noted on the leather pants). Do you have your own blog, too?

    The bit about Katie’s friendship being the McGuffin of this show killed me! That and the allegory of the life of Jesus Christ bits.

  15. Mom0306

    Jax blocked me too! Ha! I’ve never commented on him. Maybe he “drunk blocks”?

  16. Xanadude

    No separate blog. I’m exclusive (some would say indentured) to TT and my own twitter account.

  17. Thanks, X. Your recap always amps up the enjoyment of my favorite show!

    I was really looking forward to the Jax “I’m the main man” showdown but it kind of fizzled. Why do they let him get away with shit like that? He was obviously in the middle of a sniff sniff bender but still… I feel bad for Brittany. She IS a lump of clay.

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