Last night’s mammoth post about Teresa Giudice returning to the clubhouse last night is still trending at number one as I type this post!Tonight, I expect that Andy is going to be asking a lot more viewer questions. This is what he does when he wants to distance himself from the hard hitting questions. After Teresa’s answer about the Lexxus last night, where Andy was mortified on Teresa’s behalf (at least according to his facial expressions) when she showed zero insight as to why coming home from prison for stealing FIVE MILLION DOLLARS to a six figure automobile in the drive was in poor taste, I think Andy is going to go a little bit harder than he was planning. He seemed a bit irritated with her for interrupting his closing remarks to clap back at Bethenny as well. I am also bringing you some photos of the orange jumpsuit that Teresa wore. It did not look that orange on my TV it was a good bit redder.
Yep! Andy just said tonight is viewer question night. YAY!
Dorinda Medley and Kyle Richards appear to be the only housewives who tweeted nice things to Teresa during the show. I suspect there are not many housewives that are thrilled that she was rehired and overpaid after being indicted on 41 felony charges and serving time.
When you got home, how long was it before you pounced on Joe? Andy says, it had to be the same night, right? (Andy)
Um…uh… yeah. In the middle of the night.
And we begin with a lie. I have just barely finished my last recap of a Teresa interview and shoved as salad down my gullet before recapping this on. ON the last E! interview which was filmed from her home while she was on house arrest, Teresa gave an elaborate story about the kids all sleeping in her bed and well…if you missed it go read it now. It’s kind of a good post. Way better than the E! Interview Part !
Oh wait, now she is telling the all the kids slept with her story. Maybe they got up and did it in the bathroom that night. Who knows, who cares, why am I typing this?
Did you have any dental work done in or out of prison? Your mouth looks different?
I have braces inside of my mouth. (that’s a good place for them) I’ve had them for over a year now. That’s why it sometimes sound (sic) like I have a lisp. And while I was there, they did clean my teeth once.
Teresa still won’t admit to fraud. Just signing papers. She makes me want to flip a table!
Flip a table. Wow, she is resolute in not admitting any guilt. Some attorney has told her that. It is probably due to the lawsuit she has against her bankruptcy attorney. That will be a huge mistake for Teresa because if and when that goes to court, attorney client privilege is out the window and he is free to tell EVERYTHING. That will be juicy if it happens. Fun Fact: Teresa is suing the bankruptcy attorney for $5 million about the same amount she went to jail for stealing.
There was a lot of laughter from the audience when Teresa said for the questioner to flip a table. It sounds full in there. There was no real audience for the first half. I think Andy had interns and folks brought in because he needs audience feedback.
You wrote in your book that there was a girl in jail for mortgage fraud who was getting picked on and you decided to protect her. What happened? (Andy)
Yeah when she first got there, um.. she was scared and she said that these two girls in her room (cell!) kept saying things to her. Teresa says that she got an idol one day and they told her, like you know, you can’t work out when you’re on an idol so they were like following her around making sure she didn’t go to the gym. Andy finally stops and asks her what the hell an idol is. She say, as if we should all know, You know! It’s like when you go to the doctor office and you know, you can’t go to the gym, you can’t go to work, you’re supposed to stay in your room. Okay it appears she is saying IDLE and it is the prison equivalent of a not from the doctor saying you are excused from work. And if you are unable to work, you are unable to work out. I learn so many prison terms from the housewives. So she said something to the offending felons and based on Teresa’s chat with one of them, they left her alone. Teresa says the girl was really grateful for that.
Were you surprised by the amount of lesbian sex in the prison? How did you adjust to it? (Andy)
I mean, I don’t have a problem with it (I just call them ‘bulldaggers’ in my book and go on and on about how bad it was.) I was like, you know what? If that is what they want to do to let their time go by? God bless them.
How many of the women were as you put it, gay for stay? (Andy)
There was a lot. I mean some of them would be hanging out with their husbands on the weekends and then during the week they would be with their girlfriend. I’d be like oh my God! I’d see them in the visitor room hanging out with their husband and I was like I didn’t even know that they were…and obviously that is called gay for the stay. Obviously.
Did you ever have a moment where you thought” uuhhh Rachel’s looking pretty good? (Andy)
No… no… I mean they gave me massages pretty much. (Andy: reeeaaaalllly?!) Yeah, like when I needed it. They give the BEST massages I have to say. (audience cracks up laughing) (Andy: reaaaaalllllly??? ) (unintelligible) just like sore of working out. When I first got there I was doing a lot of weights. (Andy: Right…. fresh meat! Oh my GOD! ) Teresa seems confused by all the laughter.
You wrote about your time on Celebrity Apprentice and how much Donald liked Joe. Are you going to vote for Donald Trump? (Andy)
Jesus Christ on a cracker Andy! THEY ARE BOTH CONVICTED FELONS WHO HAVE LOST MANY OF THEIR CIVIL RIGHTS. ONE OF THOSE IS THE RIGHT TO VOTE! WHAT A STUPID QUESTION! Can he seriously not know this? Let’s see how Teresa responds.
Of course I am going to vote for Donald Trump. I think he is amazing. I think he will make a great president. (Andy: <incredulous> you do?> Teresa asks Andy who he is voting for. I love her for that. He says he is not sure who he is voting for but he’s pretty sure he is not voting for Donald Trump. I am sure he is voting for Bernie Sanders. He’s a democrat and Bernie is Jewish and Andy is very faithful to the tribe. Everyone laughs hysterically in the audience. Teresa it seriously SHOCKED that Teresa is not voting for Trump. Her draw drops and she says “Oh MY GOD!” like it was a foregone conclusion Trump had his vote. I mean he is part of the NBC family.
Sidenote: Andy has a drink on the table this episode. Teresa’s is an untouched water. Andy’s looks like a Makers and coke, half empty. Andy has spent a lot of time staring at the same cue card. Like he almost never looks up from it. After all that time he picks the following question.
What was your average day in prison like? (Twitter)
My average day. Okay I would get up at 6:30 in the morning, then um, from….go check my email…then after checking my email.. I would um…go do yoga…usually from 7:45 to 9:30 (that’s a lot of yoga) after that, if the weather was nice out, then I would go walk the track.. or run the track…then after that…we used… I the beginning I used to have to go to short line and have lunch at 10:30 (Shortline is for kitchen employees. Someone who was in Danbury with Teresa for a bit said that Teresa was a cafeteria worker in name only just for shortline privileges so she didn’t have to eat with everyone else. ) then after that she would have her coffee and watch some CNN, then she would take a nap, and then get up and work out again. for like an hour or an hour and a half. then at 4 it was count time. (Prisoners are counted several times a day) By the time we get to four o’clock Andy stops her to ask if she had a job. You can almost here the audience thinking, wow this really is a low budget resort Teresa says she did have a job. Teresa tells Andy that she did have a job. On Wednesdays, Thursdays and Fridays, she would wipe down the tables after breakfast. That was her “job.”
In Piper Kerman’s book, Orange Is The New Black, she talks about being assigned to be an electrician because she was educated and all of the things she learned how to do, and all the times things got scary (Because, electricity) and how hard it was to get a transfer to another department away from her creepy supervisor. She also talked about the new boss taking the girls to the lake instead of working. But everyone had a FULL TIME JOB. Not three days of wiping down the breakfast tables.
….Then after count I would have mt dinner, then after dinner have my coffee again…I had coffee after every meal and then again go to the gym. Then watch some TV at night and then after that go to bed. I wish he would ask her when she wrote her book with that busy schedule.
Sidenote: We are six minutes in and this far has taken two hours. My laptop was apparently slowed down to a crawl by a stupid update that had 16 parts which I found out only when I decided to try a full restart to solve the problem that restart took 20 minutes to update. ARGH! Moving on.
What was the shakedown like when they thought you had a phone on you ? (Our first caller of the night)
What was the shakedown like… alright…they tell ya to get outta ya room… uh…so we had to leave our room. They took us to another room. Oh! the first time! oh yeah…they took us to another room and told us to wait there. Then an office came and took me and my roommate to the bathroom.. (In Danbury they have cells not rooms, and cellies not roommates. Her use of roommate just reeks of denial) ..separately and we had to strip down. again bend down and cough…and they stripped searched out whole room CELL! turned everything upside down, like ripped the mattresses out checked our lockers…. (Andy: Were you scared?) No. I wasn’t scared. (Andy: How did you get along with the guards?) Everyone was really nice. (This is a lie, there are assholes and nice ones I’ve read too much about this place to believe her everyone was really nice, I wasn’t scared routine. In authentic books on Danbury big scary girls talk about being afraid at times and crying. Once again, Teresa is putting on a front. ) (Andy: Have they seen you on the show? ) Some of them did yeah. Yeah, they knew, They knew who I was.
What was the biggest family moment you missed while you were away? Who cares?
The biggest family moment…like..matter of fact there was like two or three. It was Gia’s 8th grade dance. It was Audriana’s graduating kindergarten and it was Audriana’s dance recital.
What have you told the kids about Joe leaving soon for prison?
We told them that Daddy’s gonna go to work. I mean obviously Gia knows.
Andy is like, but um every call says THIS CALL IS FROM A FEDERAL PRISON! And Teresa says even when they visited they saw prison. She said that mommy has to live her and I’m writing a book about being in prison. Andy is like…the fuck? Teresa says, I mean listen, I know that Milania and Gabriella are smart little girls They’re not asking the questions. I mean they love mommy. Whatever mommy tells them goes. When they get older, and believe me Joe and I will sit them down and tell them everything. I mean I want to protect them. They’re my babies.
This is the stupidest thing I have ever heard. I guess since she can’t admit to herself she is a felon and a liar, she can’t admit it to them. And she knows they know and they still keep up the lie. This only teaches them that mommy and daddy are liars. Also, I can’t believe Milania hasn’t smarted off to her about it.
Did you all have visits from Aunt Flo at the same time? What a dumb fucking question. I would have ignored it here except that Andy’s response was, “Oh good question!”
Teresa said there was a lot of PMSing going on and there was a lot of drama but she doesn’t know when everybody got their period.
In the book you say there was more drama in the prison than on the housewives. (Andy)
Oh my God could you imagine there was over 220 something women! ( Danbury is about to go all male, they have really reduced the population!) Teresa says “If one person knew something, it spread like fireflies.” /sigh I waited to see if Andy would correct and he just had to. He always does.
You learned lots of things in prison. You used maxipads as sponges and Vaseline as makeup remover? (Andy) Vaseline was the first makeup remover ever made. It’s still the best thing for taking off mascara, prison or not.Also, she was taking about makeup sponges. It really doesn’t matter what you wipe the Vaseline off with as long as it’s clean.
Andy asks if she made slippers out of maxi-pads. Teresa said the girls who didn’t have money did that. Classism even in prison. Teresa said if they didn’t have shower shoes they would stick maxi pads to the bottom of their feet to walk into the shower.
Going to the break, we hear Teresa say, “Fireflies? Oh it’s wild flowers?” and here Andy shout, “WILDFIRE!”
I swear this is the first commercial nine minutes in. I am not going to be finished with this recap before Nightline. It’s already midnight.
Were you given any special treatment by prisoners or guards while you were in jail? (Caller)
Not at all. She tries to say she had it worse, she is stammering she says the guards looked at her the most. They looked at her more than the other inmates. I guess she is trying to say she couldn’t get away with anything. She gives examples. Other people could get away with sharing each others minutes. She ran out of minutes in two weeks on her first month. It was Milania’s birthday and she was upset she could not call her and some of the other girls offered their phone. She said she knew if she used their phone she would get a shot because they were always looking at her. I just realized she doesn’t know that the word she is looking for is “watching” they were always watching her. Because you know, they are prison guards and that is their job.
How did you celebrate your birthday in prison? (Caller)
A few girls there had a dinner for me. I was friends with a cook in the kitchen and she made me a grilled chicken, fresh spinach not canned, sautéed with garlic over spaghetti and she made me a great salad. (Wait. What? Didn’t she just say she got no special treatment from prisoner or guards? ) You should see Andy’s face. Believe it or not, the do have prison parties! Andy says, “Really do they have a lot of lesbian sex?” Teresa laughs and says no. Everyone cooks and they even dance! I was like shocked when I saw that. I didn’t want that! Just because I thought people would make a big deal out of that so there was just like four or five of us.
Did time pass quickly or not? (Andy)
I mean now that it’s over it feels like it flew by fast. Living it there were months that flew by and months that dragged.
Do you think your time away is going to affect your brand and your business moving forward? (Caller) Best question of the night!
Oh it did. It already did. Yeah, pretty much all my businesses went to shit. With like..this whole legal thing so I have to rebuild now, and listen, we all fall down (Stealing 5 million dollars is not falling down) and we just gotta get back up.
Does it give you peace of mind to know Apollo will be locked up with Joe? Do you know him? Have you ever met him?
I met Phaedra but I never met her husband. I didn’t know if that was true or not. It’s a big place I don’t know if they will see each other.
How much weight did you lose?
I lost 8 pounds.
Andy says there are reports that women of Danbury are pissed at things she said about them in the book. Have you heard of that? (I’m gonna guess it is the bulldaggers comments and the juvenile passages about lesbian sex
She doesn’t think that is true. She is trying very hard to give the impression that everyone in Danbury loved her and she had no problems. I don’t think THAT is true.
What was the first thing you did cosmetically when you got out?
I got a hydrofacial done from Dr Song
A quick Google search reveals it’s a celebratory doctor with prices so high they don’t even post them online. I find this nauseating. Andy is just laughing about it.
Yeah, he came to my house it was the best. Yeah it was really good. I couldn’t wait to get a pedicure. But I waited for that.
God she is so stupid. She is going to talk the FEDS right back to her door.
What was it like to be on home confinement?
Thank God it wasn’t so bad. I guess not with all the plastic surgeons coming to give you facials , glam squads, television interviews, etc. I have no problems following directions or rules, (Just LAWS. You have a problem following LAWS) I just called my probation officer and told him what I had planned each day and obviously working is allowed. And I was filming
You weren’t allowed to drink on house arrest. Was that hard?
She said not at all she didn’t drink for 11 and a half months. She has had a few drinks since. She doesn’t miss it. She says it is a lot of calories and I like the way I look and I want to keep it. Plus you have one drink and the next day you are all puffy. Still worried out the outside.
Have you heard from Kim D. , Kim G or Danielle Staub?
No I haven’t…Kim D sent me a card while I was there. Not the other two.
Do you think this was Karma for the whole flipping the table, Danielle Staub thing?
No, I really don’t believe in Karma.
If Caroline reached out to you, would you be open to it?
Of course I’d be open to it. That in no way sounded believable. You know having lunch with her or whatever she wanted to do. Then she blew kisses at the camera and said Muah! Love you Caroline! Um, Okay Caroline predicted may seasons ago that Teresa would divorce Juicy and write a book about all of their um, enterprises. Just waiting on the divorce part.
Andy says what did you think of the clip we showed you where Lauren Manzo said you knew what to do while in jail to elicit sympathy?
Tre asks how old she is now? Andy says early 20s. Teresa mutters that’s why. That says a lot. When you are young like that you say stupid things (as opposed to Teresa for this entire hour) I mean, I’m not looking for anybody’s sympathy. BWAHAHHAHAHA!
What was the craziest rumor you read about yourself while you were away?
That she was taking responsibility for her actions and becoming a better person? Did anyone write that? I was in the tabloids a lot. There is a men’s facility there and the young Italian guys would read that the girls were giving me trouble and I was getting in a lot of fights and they would tell the guards to go check on me. You know because she never got any special treatment from the guards. And thank God none of that was true. It was nice that they were looking out for me.
Remember when you said you would be skeeved out living somewhere someone else had lived?
Listen, that was a stupid thing a I said. Even where I live now… I mean I was skeeved out (in prison) the stained mattresses…like anything else I didn’t care about clothes, shoes, whatever, I mean I wore sweats everyday… This is one of her canned lines, which is false. He lawyer person has told her not to discuss her longing for Gucci in prison.
And gives her one last opportunity to redeem herself…he asks…
What’s the biggest way you’ve changed from this whole thing?
Um….the biggest way…. I’m just definitely calmer…um…..I just try not to seat the small stuff…I really don’t and I’m living every day like it’s my last and just focusing on my family. That last part is also a canned statement for when she doesn’t know what to say. So she blew that chance too.
And well over 3,700 words and three and a half hours later, I’m finally done.