This is the third damn interview with this woman in the last 15 hours. And I already know Andy is just going to kiss her ass and play montages of her greatest moments on RHONJ. Like the table flip. And the time he shoved him back into his seat. And…
Oh we are starting. Andy said on his thirty-fifth vanity project, the radio show, that he was not going to greet Teresa until he saw her on camera. And her chair is empty. I hope he cries because that will piss Teresa off. Let’s watch.
First a flashback to the last time she was on the show, replete with dramatic music as they held each others hand one final time. (I am not making this up) And then he tells us how they met … nope I anticipated his next move. On his radio show he said he snuck away to Jersey or somewhere and met her for a very late lunch one last time. before her incarceration. Oh and from her book, Teresa says she sent him a crocheted Jewish star from prison. This is going to be so fucking emo, y’all.
We get a rare look at the emptyish clubhouse as Teresa busts through the door in a red jumpsuit that she fittingly bought with blood money to wear just for Andy. He is thrilled. Andy says there is irony in the fact that she is wearing a jumpsuit. Teresa says yeah an it’s even close to orange even though they wear a khaki green in Danbury. Clearly, Andy didn’t air the show early last night to get up for GMA because we have seen the green jumpsuit photos all fucking day Andrew. Already you don’t know what is going on.
Andy wants to know how she looks in green, oh, you’ve got green eyes he says as if he had never noticed. Teresa says that green is her favorite color, and again, with the irony. She says hunter green though, (money green) not army green. And we’ve already wasted 2 full minutes and 10% of the show with Andy wetting himself with excitement.
The second half of the interview will air at 9:30 tomorrow night. What does that fuck up? American Crime? Nope. We’re available at 9:30 tomorrow. Carry on.
Now Andy brings up their clandestine luncheon. And for a minute I thought I could not predict his next move. They met two weeks before her incarceration and he felt like she was not prepared for her fate and was just living in the moment without a care in the world. He asks if she was prepared.
Teresa says, that no he is right she was not prepared she was in the moment just focusing on her daughters. She said she felt like she was dying and trying to make memories with her kids before she did. She was worried Audriana would forget her because she was only five years old.
Andy asks about her first few days in prison. She says, ” When I first got there I was pretty much numb.” She says she was just going through the motions. When she first got there, they strip searched her. She had to bend down and cough and she felt humiliated. Yep, that’s the point.
She got to her “room” she met the other girls in her room and they were really nice. She looked at her bed and it was stained with urine (she actually said urine, maybe she did read some books) and blood. It was disgusting. The other girls helped make her bed. BTW, this is normal fro Danbury the new girl is not trusted to make the bed right. If the bed isn’t perfect the whole cell suffers consequences. It was 4:30 in the morning when she arrived. She was exhausted. She passed out right away and slept until her cellies got up to go to work. Something they did every day. Unlike Teresa who said earlier she worked Wednesday -Friday.
Andy says Joe said you told him jail was like a low rent spa. She corrects him and says a “low budget spa.” It’s like she is being super complimentary to the girls so they don’t shank her when she gets out. Teresa says she said that to Joe because she didn’t want him to worry. It really wasn’t like that.
What was the best and worst thing about prison? The best thing was being able to work out three times a day. The worst was not having makeup. No, seriously she talked about her daughters again. She realize she forgot Joe halfway through Andy’s next question and quickly adds him.
Andy talks about her lesbian sex stories in the book. I’ve already talked to people who have the book and said she talks about the sex a lot and much like a 12 year old girl would. Apparently the ghostwriter did a great job of capture Teresa’s essence. No really, people said that. I also read a story where she talked about the “Bulldaggers” (gay women). She loves to mention as she is to Andy now that her room was called “the Boom Boom Room.” Oh there you go, Teresa called it the boom boom room.
Andy says he was surprised how much Bravo is watched in jail. I’m not. It’s tailor made for felons. I don’t call it #Felons by Bravo for nothing. He asks if he thinks they are watching now. She said she hopes so and she blows them all kisses and says she misses them. Andy seems shocked by that. Why, Andrew. She was with her people! Teresa says she thinks about them all the time.
Andy says that she has been vague about what got her into trouble. He asks if she understands now why she went to jail. She says yes. She says that at first she didn’t understand the legal system, but once she was in prison, she says, “believe it or not you become so knowledgeable about the legal system!” This is the first time I’ve seen a change in Teresa. She seems to have improved her vocabulary even since this morning. I did have to stop quoting her because of all her stutters and filler words but she does seem a little smarter. Like she will make fewer mistakes next time she commits a bunch of felonies. She learned a lot from the girls. But she knows the reason she was sent there.
Tons of people have been tweeting that she doesn’t seem to hold herself accountable. She smiles and kind of rolls her eyes but not in a dismissive way but more in a “boy do I!” sort of way. So here is her chance. Do you hold yourself accountable? She says “Oh course I do! I did some…stammer….sputter…I did… ” Andy says “What did you do?” And then she gives the “I signed some papers” excuse. AGAIN. For a moment there I thought we were going to have a break through.
Andy asks what she wants to say to people who think she should not be back on the show. Andy took a LOT of well deserved heat for rehiring her. He has said she deserves a second chance. Teresa says, “Listen, no one’s perfection in life. We all fall down. And obviously I fell down and now I’ve picked myself back up I think we should all encourage each other and pick each others (sic) up. So I hope that is what the world is going to do with me!” Oh dear God. She has no idea. I don’t know anyone personally who has fallen down and gotten back up after stealing five million dollars and making millions more while laying on the ground. I think you are looking at the only person who is going to encourage you right now, Teresa. Don’t blow it.
Andy says the number one question he got was “How do you think coming home to a fancy new SUV when you just got out of prison for a shady financial situation looks? She says “Well my lease was up on my car. And I needed a car. So Joe got me a new lease and he got me a Lexxus! So it’s a lease and Lexxus decided to put that big red bow! And of course they were smart. They knew tons of paparazzi was gonna be at my house. So they got a lot of press for that!” She said all of that very defensively as if she was offended by the question.
Andy is actually going to follow up!!! He seems agitated! “Do you see how people might think it was ….improper…..or…”
“I mean I even said to my husband…like why did you put that red bow on? And he was like I didn’t do it, Lexxus did!” She is just seriously just pissed that the bow drew attention to their latest overspending! Teresa is smiling ear to ear. Andy is not. Andy realizes she doesn’t get it or won’t cop to it and moves on. I am trying to figure out if a lease is considered a loan. Because neither of them are allowed to take out a loan for I believe 5 years.
After your confinement, are you more or less concerned about Joe going in? (FYI the situations are not very similar. Joe is not in a camp. Teresa says Believe it or not I was not worried about it (she means herself) she is more worried about Joe than she was for herself. Which was not the question. But that brief flash of intelligences seems to have burned out. Andy asks why. She says women are stronger in many ways. They can walk away from things more easily. She has no idea how men’s jail is or how Joe will reaction to confrontations in there. And asks if she got in fights. She says not but she did see fights happen. Andy asks if people tried to goad her ( I doubt she knows that word) based on what they had seen of her on the show? And she asks for clarification, you mean come after me? He said, like try to pick fights with you. She says she talks about those situations in her book. I heard about one today where she somehow because the head monitor for the “white people’s TV” There were six TVs two for Hispanics, two were for sports channels, one was for whites and the other for blacks. The black TV monitor snatched the white people’s remote and Teresa tried to mediate the process of getting the remote returned. It all eventually worked out. She did not tell that story on the WWHL.
Did being in jail (IT WAS PRISON ANDREW! JESUS!) teach you anything about how to handle conflict? Teresa said she wasn’t going to give anyone any way to ruin her “good time” (her time for good behavior that allowed her out before Christmas instead of February 5th). Andy didn’t understand the term good time and she had to explain it to him. Has he not read Orange is the New Black and Out of Orange? Apparently not. Teresa lets it drop that she was denied halfway house. That was likely because she had a home to go to when she got out and therefore didn’t need halfway house to transition her into the world and help her find a place to live.
I just realized no one is drinking. Teresa is on supervised release and probably can’t drink and Andy is being polite and white knuckling his way through.
Teresa said that at first she did not want to watch Teresa Checks In while away at college writing a book because she thought it would be too hard. But she did and all her felon friends supported her and laughed and cried with her.
Time for the Teresa Checks In montage. Of course it is all the saddest scenes. The girls and both Joes crying. Teresa says watching that breaks her heart. Joe did a good job. Her brother did a great job taking care of her parents. Andy asks about her dad. Teresa struggled to say he is doing, okay…he’s doing good. It sounds like he’s not. Teresa says every day there is something they have to watch with him and even her mom. She prayed for everyone every day in prison.
Andy says she wrote in her book about reliving good times with her brother. He asks how being in prison gave her perspective on that relationship. She said when something like this happens, she says she just wants to live everyday like it’s her last. If I thought tomorrow was my last day I’d max out my credit cards and take out a few million in fraudulent loans. What? I’m just saying! Teresa says not to sweat the small stuff.
Andy asks about Melissa not being able to visit or email her. She said that by the time Melissa got her information in her list was full she had to take her brother in law Pete off to add her brother. And at the time she left, things were not good. She says she already filmed a scene with Joe saying she really didn’t want to spend five hours with Melissa chatting with her on visiting day. She says she and her brother laughed about it. But now you will have to tune in and see where we are. Spoiler! They are great. Melissa tweeted her congratulation for today and they are going to see each other tomorrow night. With cameras I’m sure.
How did you feel about Melissa and Joe helping with kids. She says family means everything and she was glad they helped Joe. Andy acknowledges the kind things she said about him in the book. He said she also said nice things about some other housewives. He asked why she didn’t acknowledge Jacqueline. She says, when she left the were not speaking. She did not hear from Jac in prison and seems to say they still haven’t spoken. This is another thing they didn’t say on the show that is in the book. Teresa apparently feels like it was Jac’s fault she got a bad contract season one. She was the last to sign and apparently she went to lunch with Jac and everyone else had signed, Jac sort of strong armed her into just signing her contract and she did and Jac took it and mailed it right away. Teresa never got to have a lawyer look at it or negotiate for her. On the first season, it’s not that normal for major negotiations anyway though. People just take it and are happy to be on the show. Teresa stills seems to be harboring a lot of resentment toward Jac which will lead to major confrontation that apparently has not happened yet.
Andy asks about this Star of David she made him in prison. He didn’t get it. It was a bookmark she made him for when her book came out. He sent her Bob Harper workout DVDs and he didn’t think she got those but she did. She says she did them every day while she was there. It really sounds like the rumors that her kitchen job was all a sham were true.
What did you eat in jail? Teresa says the cooks did the best they could with the food they got. Again she is gushing over everyone in Danbury. It’s kind of like they have something on her. She tries not to say anything bad about the food. In her book she talks about some things they made from commissary snacks. Andy asked what was the first thing she ate when she got out. She says Rino sent food from his restaurant to their home. I love Rino. Can we have him without the twins? Teresa says she went straight for the lobster.
Next a montage of housewives comments about her incarceration. Teresa says she watched some WWHL in prison. He says some of the montage she will lie and some she won’t. Bethenny says it is amazing that someone would do reality with skeletons in her closet. As a mother I can’t think of anything worse than being taken from your children. Caroline said, Teresa doesn’t care to hear from me, I’m sure, I have no ill feeling to her but I just don’t feel like going back there. Lauren said Teresa knew what to do to make everybody cry when she called the show from prison. Teresa says she saw the Manzo one in prison. How weird is that? Nene says she talked to her the day she got sentenced and had a very real conversation. Teresa called her several times. She missed the show with the two Joes because she went to the sports room (Prison foul, you should have been at the white TV) and the sports remote holder would not let her watch. Andy wanted to know her name and Teresa would not rat. Oh she is going to be a force to be reckoned with when she recidivates.
Did you ever become resentful of Juicy while you were in jail? No, she knows he didn’t mean to harm her in any way. He took full responsibility and “the government saw it a different way. What else can we do.
Teresa was aware of the cheating rumors. He didn’t cheat. If they didn’t want to be with each other they wouldn’t be. Andy asks about deportation, she says they are just taking it day by day. She has been coached to the nines on these interview questions and handled herself extremely well.
Andy is trying to close out and Teresa wanted to let Bethenny know that if she had skeletons in her closet she would “have never came (sic) on the show!” Andy says, “Well that’s debatable.” Andy has mentions several times that Juicy asked him if anyone on the show had ever been investigated by the FEDS for things they saw on the show in their initial talks about joining the show.
So that is three interviews for today and two that I know of so far for tomorrow. WWHL and Nightline. Ain’t this fun?
Typo discussions will get you sent to the window licking section. I haven’t slept since Sunday night!