by Guest Contributor Ben C.
Cryotherapy sessions, throwing cheap handbag shade, out of town trips, and patting the puss is how Real Housewives of Beverly Hills got her groove back. Sure, there’s still a bit too much debate of Yolanda’s health happening, but the rest is what we all love to see. The women being silly, having fun (most of the time) and doing things we don’t all do in normal, everyday life (have lunch and complain about people.) It’s refreshing and feeling like a throwback. Everybody loves a good throwback.
Let’s get started, shall we?
Kyle and Lisa V meet Yolanda (and Daisy, Yolanda’s ‘helper’) for a group Cryotherapy session.
Yolanda claims Cryotherapy is one of the “fun things” she gets to do every week. Yolanda likens it to standing inside a box that’s below freezing, and coming out like a frozen popsicle. She thinks it’s funny the other ladies came in makeup, jewels and heels. Apparently, she claims the experience is about being “naked, raw & freezing to death together.” The Cryotherapy ‘nurse’ tells the ladies it’s -147 degrees celsius inside the chamber. The ladies change into bathrobes, and take turns standing inside the cylinder. Vanderpump bares all for the cameras, and throws her robe off before the door to the chamber is even shut. Of course, Lisa and Kyle scream and make a scene – while Yolanda “takes it like a woman” (her words) and enjoys not one, but two rounds. Kyle compares it to skiing down a mountain in Aspen, stark naked, in a blizzard. She thinks she’s got frostbite on her ass.
Across town, Erika is prepping for her upcoming performance in San Diego. She’ll be singing at a gay club in the city, for a party named ‘Pervert.’ She sifts through various wardrobe choices with her stylist, and finds the first must-have item. It’s a necklace with the ‘c-word’ spelled out. The same ‘c-word’ Kathryn told/scolded Erika she was “too beautiful to ever use” at the Moulin Rouge party. Erika is proud of it, and thinks everyone could use a little C-U-Next-Tuesday in their lives. Amen, sister. Be prepared for more of this necklace later in the episode.
Back in Beverly Hills, the Cryotherapy team all sit down for lunch. Immediately, we can tell Yolanda is upset and ready to start a girlfight with Lisa V. and Kyle. Yolanda wants to know if Kyle and Lisa have had her back during any previous discussions about her health. Additionally, she’s been made aware of Lisa and Kyle questioning Anwar and Bella’s Lyme Disease, and also wants an explanation for that. To avoid pulling a Brooks, Yolanda snatches a manila envelope out supposedly holding her kids medical records. She wants Lisa to take them home, read them, and apologize to her kids. Lisa refuses to read the records, and defends her actions by reaffirming Mohammed told her the kids were fine, so that’s what she thought. Kyle looks on with that wide-eyed shocked face she does so well.
OMG! Red Alert!! SOS!!! Eileen is coming for me, and ready to win me over with this next scene. She meets Kathryn for a hilariously awkward lunch. Eileen decides to awkwardly speaks to the server only in Italian, and then immediately follows up by stating she has no idea where he’s actually from. Kathryn wastes no time and goes right for it, asking Eileen about dating her ex, Marcus Allen. Eileen is mortified. Eileen went on a lunch date with Marcus, around 1988 or 1989. Kathryn laughs and tells Eileen she was also dating Marcus during that time. Nobody throws any wine (boo) but Kathryn does throw some subtle shade (in my opinion) by telling Eileen she was “right up his alley.” They discuss the trip to San Diego to see Erika perform live. Eileen reveals her ultimate girl-crush on Erika Jayne to Kathryn. It’s becoming kind of endearing now. Kathryn tells Eileen she is in the middle of doing a full renovation on her home in San Diego, and is planning on having the ladies over for a dinner at her house a la Heather Dubrow. Talk moves to purses and handbags. Kathryn is literally shocked and appalled (see: Kyle and her signature wide-eyed face) Eileen doesn’t spend money on nice bags. Eileen calls her bags “janky” and tries to hide her purse under the table. She admits that very same morning she knew the bag was gross when she picked it out, but decided to carry it anyway. Oh, Eileen.
The next day, all the women (sans Erika Jayne – she’s riding in style solo on a giant tour bus) are meeting at Kyle’s house to take a limousine together from Beverly Hills to San Deigo. Eileen (continuing to snatch the episode!) arrives in a head-to-toe denim, flare leg jumpsuit, with no shame. On the ride down, talk of Eileen and her bargain bin shopping come up. Eileen is proud of her late-90’s brown leather strappy heels. The rest of the ladies…not so much. Kathryn calls out Eileen (again) for her admittedly-ugly handbags. Eileen finds out what the rest of the women (slash their husbands) spend on bags, and calls them all superficial bitches. She also throws a “F*** you, Kathryn” and a couple middle fingers in for good measure. All the ladies roll over laughing, while somewhere Brandi Glanville breaks her TV set. #JUSTICEFORBRANDI (save your negative comments)
Since we can’t go 10 minutes without a Lyme Disease discussion, the ladies bring it up in the Limo. Kyle and Lisa Vanderpump spill the beans that Yolanda brought up Anwar and Bella having/not having Lyme Disease at lunch. They put the blame on Lisa Rinna, who immediately goes on the defense. She denies having any part, and is determined to get to the bottom of it tonight. After they’ve arrived and settled in San Diego, Lisa Rinna and Eileen talk privately about the most recent Yolanda drama. Lisa Rinna has “put the pieces together” that Erika was the one to tell Yolanda about the discussion of Bella and Anwar not having Lyme Disease. Lisa reminds Eileen she is planning on getting to the bottom of it later that night. She won’t take the blame for something she didn’t do. The ladies all head out to the gay club to see Erika Jayne perform at the ‘Pervert’ party.
In the limo on the way to the club, the ladies bring up the Yolanda drama. Again. Awesome. Lisa Rinna says they’re caught in a washing machine of information and misinformation. She’s determined to prove to the other ladies she had nothing to do with talking about Yolanda’s kids. I’m really baffled by this whole argument. Why is Lisa Vanderpump upset with anyone about something she started in the first place? Oh, because she’s Lisa Vanderpump. In an interesting (?) subject change, we learn Kathryn is deaf in one year. She lost her hearing in a single ear when she was going through her divorce. I’m just gonna leave that one alone.
The ladies arrive at the club and settle in the “VIP” section to watch the show. They’re all ready to party. I know this, because at some point Kyle ends up spinning her ponytail on top of her head. I can only imagine the splits were soon to follow. Erika comes out and performs her first song, and everyone goes wild. They all think she did a great job. We get to see ‘pat the puss’ in full-swing. You go, Erika Jayne. She does her final number, after introducing her “new friends” to the crowd. Lisa Rinna says Erika Jayne could be Britney. It’s kind of funny because it’s kind of true.
After the show, Erika takes the women back to her tour bus. We see a montage of each woman feeling their fullest fantasy, catwalking one-by-one down the aisle of the bus – while a gaggle of gays sit around clapping and cheering for each one. Lisa Rinna calls it a ‘rockstar’ moment. She is a rockstar, in her mind. Kathryn jumps right on Erika for wearing the C**** necklace. Eileen says she thought the necklace read ‘candy.’ Oh Eileen, I love you tonight. Please don’t go back to whatever xanax and dry white wine you were on before. Either that, or please stay on whatever xanax and dry white wine you currently started taking and weren’t on before. I love this new you. Most of the other women (minus Eileen) chime in they also think the necklace is slightly offensive (or actually very offensive, according to Kyle.) Erika tells the women they can’t be offended by the word, and Eileen backs her up telling the other girls it’s ‘just a word.’ Erika shakes her finger at Lisa Vanderpump, and tells her they aren’t at Pump. They’re on her turf and she can say what she wants. I’ve said it once, I’ll say it again – where the fuck is Brandi Glanville when you need her?
Back at the hotel, Erika has a mini-cocktail party set up for the ladies. They all sit down and Lisa Rinna wastes no time getting to the bottom of who spilled the beans to Yolanda about Bella and Anwar. She flat out asks Erika if she had anything to do with it, and in an interesting turn of events, Erika denies it to everyone. She just sits and shakes her head silently. In her talking head, Erika says she lied because she was just finishing a great performance, and doesn’t want to talk about Yolanda and her children. Erika doesn’t help her case by having a mini-freak out at the other ladies for bringing it up. They all have another drink and Erika shuts it down.
We close out the episode in the hallway of the hotel, where Kyle and Lisa Vanderpump have had way too much to drink. They crash a cart stacked with bowls of ketchup and mustard into the wall, break the dishes and the condiments fly everywhere. Highlight of the episode. The best part, summing it all up, hearing Kathryn (off screen) say “Oh Shit. Goodnight!” all deep voiced, and running to her room.
Lisa Rinna calls someone (Kathryn?) a rabid dog.
Adrienne makes an appearance. Oh joy.
Someone throws a carnival party and Yolanda has it OUT with Lisa Rinna.
Talk to me in the comments below/Follow me on Twitter and let me know what y’all thought! Did you pat your puss to Erika Jayne’s performance? Have you ever worn a ponytail on top of your head and spun it around, a la Kyle Richards? I’m curious to know…