Vanderpump Rules Recap: Like So Many Beans She Has Flicked Before

PumpRules Stassi Slaps Kristen gif

Please tell me Kristen is setting Stassi up and has not moved past this…

By Contributing Writer, Xanadude

This old man (and, like, LVP, for now I plan on starting all conversations with “This old man…” just to shade Stassi for a while.  Although it is, technically, Jax, who is the same age as Ken,who should be calling himself “this old man,” but I digress…) Puckers and Pouts his way through a new recap of VanderPump Rules.  Please join me in this, The Emancipation of Katie Maloney.  Which is only temporary, as WWHL viewers know (Spoiler: Everyone is all friends again), but, for now, we’ll deal with the timeline on the show.

Stassi has taken over Kristen’s apartment.  Remember when Kristen hired a maid? Kristen is now Stassi’s maid – her “drunken old maid,” according to Stassi, who only stumbles home at 5:00 am after a night of drinkin’ and lovin’.  A random minion arrives to give Stassi someone to talk to and it takes about 45 seconds for viewers to loathe Stassi, who proceeds to claim she “took the high road” in dealing with LVP.  Remember, in Stassi’s mind, she’s the heroine of this brief, stupid moment in our lives, only Stassi realized that she needs this show – the show and the friends she casually flicked aside like so many beans she has flicked before.

The Pucker and Pout launch party is rapidly approaching (side note: the site is actually well done.  Points for whoever – I’ll assume Katie – came up with the headline “Katie’s Got a Brand New Bag”) and although it’s a strictly DIY affair (although, most probably it was DBB – Done By Bravo), Katie wants to invite, like, everybody.  Including Kristen (who will need a handler, according to the SURvers).  Katie (at this particular moment on the show) DOES NOT LIKE Stassi AT ALL.  Scheana is also Anti-Stassi, but for strictly Pro-Scheana reasons, so it’s a zero sum loss.

Pump rules pinky and james

James, and Pinky show up to the dentist to support Max who is having some surgery (getting  some dental plates/implants), and to talk about Max’s sex life.  LVP and James take the moment when Max cannot respond to talk about Max’s sex life, but James quickly brushes past that (that’s dental humor, son) to rant about his three favorite things:  his own sex life, his massive talents as a DJ, and how horrible Jax is.  Pinky cuts him down to size by calling him a “pipsqueak busboy” and saying if he doesn’t shape up, that’s all he’ll be, but James is ramped up (sniff sniff sniff) and starts ranting about how HE is the true draw at Pump and how important he is and how many customers he is bringing in and how horrible Jax is and how Jax should be fired and how James is the bestest most awesomest person ever and if you don’t agree with him, babe, then you’re fucking awful, mate.  One breath.  One rant.  One pipsqueak busboy.

He also discloses that he regularly drunk texts Kristen (who has him blocked so is not receiving them) and still loves her (no, really) and that he ALSO drunk texted Lala last night.  His drunk text to Lala was a patented James Kennedy Misogynistic Rant about if any lady has sex with anyone other than him, they are a slut.  And that Lala is an ass eater.  This leads to the most wonderful reaction shots from Max, who is horrified that James is explaining “rimming” to his mother.  Pinky is appalled (not really – she’s secretly delighted and a little titillated that this moment has been captured for the cameras) and Quick Cut to SUR to see Lala talking about the text with Scheana.  Lala’s had an off/on long distance thing going with her ex, a football player named Hayes, and whenever they are in the same town they get together and get freaky (her words, not mine).  Blue tinted flashback reminds us that James and Lala JUST had the conversation about whatever happens in their respective bedrooms will not affect their relationship, but also reminds us that Lala claims not to have ever had sex with James, who she and Scheana now deem a “twat.”  Scheana, surprisingly, does not make this moment about her and we do not currently know her stance on ass eating.

BTW: the promo for the Bravo App, The Daily Dish, features Jax helicoptering.  Presumably Andy is the recipient of said helicoptering, but we don’t know for sure and I certainly don’t want to start any blasphemous rumours, but I think that Andy’s got a good sense of humor.  Depeche Mode, bitches.  Look it up.

Katie tells James he is NOT invited to the launch and James goes all red faced and twatty.  Katie said this to James and Faith, so I don’t know if Faith is invited or not.  Not that it ultimately matters.

Lala is also not invited, but when she is told it’s very “Welcome to the Dollhouse,” and I felt genuinely sorry for her.  Katie’s reason for not inviting her? “I don’t want any drama, and besides, we’re at capacity.”  Lala recounts a truly horrible story from her childhood (she was invited to a party and when she got there was told she wasn’t REALLY invited – they made her sit on the curb to wait for her mother while they laughed at her) and I really really wanted to give her a hug.

Jax and Brittany are discussing His Situation, and Jax is actually pleased to be at home all day Jaxing Off while Brittany is the breadwinner, pulling in those big Hooters bucks.  Brittany’s mom is okay with Jax’s Situation (I wonder if that changed after the show aired) because “being drunk is an excuse.”  Brittany’s family is a very conservative religious family, although Jax doesn’t know what religion they ARE and apparently doesn’t (or can’t) say the word “Bible,” only referring to it as “that book.”

PumpRules Kristen and Alex

 

Kristen (!) has a date with Below Deck Aleks, who we like, so shut it with the snark. Their date (ahem. filming. cough cough) lasts so long the Bravo crew had to edit in a day turns to night montage.  Kristen is all giggly, saying she’s living in a romcom (no, Kristen, TamaraTattles.com has already established you are living in the remake of That Girl).  Aleks and Kristen kiss, after Aleks says that when they first met he never would have thought they’d be dating.

At SUR, Katie “tells” LVP for “the first time” about the launch party.  Pinky gives Katie a discounts on the appetizers SUR will be providing, but that Katie does insist on paying for, along with the information that Stassi stopped by.  Katie says her friendship with Stassi was one sided and only on Stassi’s terms.  My estimation of Katie goes up.

NOW – ONTO THE MOST IMPORTANT PART OF THE SEASON.  We learn the name of one of the dancing Hispanic kitchen workers.  He’s Chef Joe, and if I am suddenly widowed you will find me in WeHo stalking him to become my next husband.

Lala confronts James about his Misogynistic Text Rant and James tries to turn it around by calling her a slut.  Lala ain’t having it.  There’s lots of James getting shut down by the wimmens in this episode, which makes me happy.  Pipsqueak Busboy, Esquire indeed.

It’s the night of the Pucker and Pout launch party, and there are shots of everyone (Hi Shay!) helping to get ready.   Even Scheana, who briefly makes it all about her.  Schwartz gets some good digs in: “We’ll be there if heads start spinning like the Exorcist.  We’ll be there if Jax steals anything.”  Good stuff.  Bravo, Bravo writers.

Kristen is getting ready for the party.  Stassi is not.  Hehehe.

Stassi claims she has a talent for squatting.  We all know this is only superceded by her talent for filming $900 worth of masturbation videos. Kristen briefly unblocked James to mock his texts to her, which are of the “how can you not love me” variety.  (Sidebar: Jax and James really are very much alike.  Both of them try to pull the “aren’t I cute when I piss on the rug” naughty puppy thing.)

Stassi takes credit for Katie’s blog.  Stassi also says that “I regret a lot of the mistakes that I made.”  Smart, calculating use of words there, Stassi.   She also says that Schwartz is her backdoor to get back with Kate, which opens up a bunch of Schwartz Backdoor jokes.  Save them for Backdoor Mom Farrah Abraham, though, cuz Schwarty is about to get manly and defend his woman – but first he has to get through the launch party, where he is slinging drinks.

James and Max plot to crash the party (bad Max) with the explicit reason to stalk Kristen, who is “the only one who truly understands me,” according to James.  Sniff sniff sniff.

It’s Pucker and Pout Launch Party Night and, I gotta say, it looks like fun.  She went for a very interactive experience, with lots of individually grooming station, including a “brow bar.”  Sandoval does not approve of Jax’s eyebrows, which are too sculpted, and says that good grooming is not feminine, it’s just classy.

Ken and Lisa show up for the party, and the first words out of Ken’s mouth is “How long do we have to stay here?”  Lisa gives it ten minutes, tops.  Pinky approves of the launch party, the blog, and Katie’s newfound, Stassiless induced confidence.

James and Max show up and everyone pretends to be surprised.  James, full of cokey confidence, strides up to Kristen and Aleks and demands to speak to Kristen alone and goes to the hallway to wait for her.  Aleks offers to kick his ass.  Kristen giggles and kisses him before going to meet him.  James is pacing and sweaty and demands to know why she is so standoffish.  Kristen keeps her cool while James amps himself up into another Misogynistic Rant.  He doesn’t understand how anyone can be happy without him.  Seriously. Pipsqueak Busboy said that.  He continues and defaults to Misogynistic Yelling Douche Mode (which is up there with Marco Rubio Saturday Night Debate Infinite Soundbite Mode in its annoyance).  Kristen leaves him alone to rant and he stalks out.  We again play Where’s Max?

Jax goes up to Lisa and tries to charm her, but she’s not having it.

Talk inevitably turns to Stassi, who texted Schwartz.  Lisa is very happy about the Emancipation of Katie Maloney.  Katie tells Lisa how happy she has been since she took control of her life.  Sandoval wisely opines that “The reason Stassi is coming around is to benefit Stassi.”  Sandoval for the dunk.

Pumprules Stassi Schwartz

Schwartz is morbidly curious as to what Stassi has to say.  Katie says she is never ever EVER EVER going to be friends with Stassi again (sigh) but that Schwartz should go – if he really wants to – and see what she has to say, just leave her out of it.  Pinky says that Schwartz has a soft heart and is a good man.

The next day, Schwartz shows up to meet Stassi wearing a backward baseball cap and glasses, so we know he’s serious.  Stassi told us in her talking head that she and Schwartz were always close and had a relationship independent of Katie.  Schwartz says in his talking head, eh, not so much.

Stassi puts on her hubris face.  Schwartz lets loose.  It’s a thing of beauty that I recommend you watch, but the following phrases were used:

“The last impression we had was of Stassi being smug.”     True dat.

“Pain in ass, bitch, and venomous.”                 Preach, Schwartzy.

“You were endearing and did it in a likeable way.”Back up Schwartz, you were doing good.

“Smug Bitchy shell of your former shelf”             Testify, brother Schwartz!

“You need humility and perspective.”

to which Stassi responds “Did I kill your dog?”

Schwartz threatens to leave.  Stassi tried to rewrite history and flip it by saying that she was only REACTING to people by lashing out.  She fake cries (no tears) and is fake humble, and we see Schwartz start to crumble.  He tells her about the engagement party.  Stassi says she wants to talk to Katie before it, and Schwartz says that that ain’t happening.  Wah wah.

Next episode: Schwartz invites Stassi to the party, Katie is upset, and we get lots of shots of Jax sitting at home drinking vodka straight from the bottle trying to assert dominance over Sandoval.

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52 Comments

Filed under Entertainment News, Vanderpump Rules

52 responses to “Vanderpump Rules Recap: Like So Many Beans She Has Flicked Before

  1. Amy

    I love your recaps. You are very funny.

  2. Erica

    Oh Schwartzie – inviting the person who basically used your fiance as her bitch to your engagement party will not get you any engagement sex for a long time.

    Me- that would make me go Bridezilla. Even if Katie were interested – why make your engagement party more about Stassi and her attempts to get into Katie’s good graces than about the actual engagement?

    (In a sense, makes me think of a friend’s very real wedding scenario – her future brother in law came out to some of his immediate family about 6 or 7 months before the wedding. The wedding was going to be HUGE. 300 people at least. The b-i-l did have a serious boyfriend – who he wanted to bring to the wedding. The groom (his brother)’s only stipulation was that he come out to the key people in the family – their dad, grandpa, and the aunts and uncles – enough people that by the time the wedding rolled around, it would be a known thing. He even offered to fly out cross country to be there (or at least in the same town) when the brother came out to the dad and grandpa. At first the brother was ticked – thinking the bride and groom weren’t interested in the boyfriend (they were – they liked him when they met him! We all did! ) But the wedding is supposed to be about the happy couple… the focus should be on them.

    If Katie gives Stassi an inch – she will be one of those cunts that sucks up to the bride to try to push out other women – like they can bask and take some of the wedding hoopla and attention for themselves. I hate those kind of bitches.

  3. I love when a good musical reference is used.
    So many other Depeche Mode song titles could fit in your TERRIFIC recap:
    -Strange Love
    -A Question of Lust
    -Stripped
    -Never Let Me Down Again
    -Useless
    -Just cant get enough
    -Shake the disease

  4. Spilledperfume

    Great recap Xanadude!

    I left you a note on the drag race recap.

  5. Stephanie

    Love your recaps Xanadude! Hilarious

  6. Kim

    I agree with your James “cokey confidence” line. I called that a few weeks ago. He’s constantly on maximum overdrive & can barely stay seated half the time & he can’t stand still the other half. Still waiting for someone (mostly Lisa) to check him. I saw a promo that had him in tears, hoping that’s sooner than later. Great recap! =D

    • Katherine 2.0

      Yea, and with a cadaverous body covered in bite marks. Dumb kid. He will be following in Jax’ footsteps with three nose jobs and counting if he doesn’t curb his enthusiasm for the white stuff.

  7. Shae

    Your recaps are far more entertaining than the show lmao, but I will continue to watch anyway because I am a bravo addict :)

    “He continues and defaults to Misogynistic Yelling Douche Mode (which is up there with Marco Rubio Saturday Night Debate Infinite Soundbite Mode in its annoyance).”- loved the rubio reference

    Stassi is so transparent it’s ridiculous, everyone has her number. She’s doing this because it suits her and she would throw them all under the bus again in a heartbeat if/when it suited her as well.
    I have never liked Kristen, but I do applaud her keeping her cool each time James comes with one of his man baby temper tantrum fits/assaults. I have had an ex like that and I know how hard it is to keep your shit together when a man starts acting like a cranky 3 year old with a dirty diaper. Grow the hell up, James. You’re embarrassing yourself.

    Props to Katie, too, because that party did look well done :)

  8. cavex2

    I adore you!!! Your recaps are witty and so funny that I giggle the entire time.
    “$900 worth of masturbation video” was priceless….. LOL

  9. I love your recaps, Xanadude.

    Your description of James “red faced and twattty” was perfect. I think James, a self professed pretty boy, needs to start his own beauty blog “Red Faced and Twatty” or perhaps “Fucker and Lout”.

    I predict in the not to distant future, Katie will most certainly go back to being Stassi’s table scraps. While kinda sweet, there is something dim and pathetic about Katie. She will fall right in line again.

  10. Toni

    I felt so sad for Kristen in this episode, from thinking that a guy buying her dinner is like starring in her own romantic comedy to James wanting to use her yet again to try to get screen time with the main cast.

    That story from Lala about the party she was invited and then uninvited to broke my heart. I was bullied as a preteen and could really feel her pain.

    I hope Lala and Kristen become besties.

    Question – didn’t stassi dump Jax and that was why he was crashing on tom and Kristen’s couch?

    • tamaratattles

      I really didn’t get the romcom thing. Was it because the illiterate yachtie pretended to pay the bill that Bravo picked up? Really? I thought it was just another adorable thing Kristen made up in her head.

      Lala was full of shit and told that sob story for sympathy. Xanadude is an easy target.

      I don’t remember, but it doesn’t matter. Once your friend fucks someone, the territory is forever marked.

    • Jaana

      I like Lala and I hate that the others are shutting her out.

  11. Thanks, Xanadude, great recap! OMG, please keep Katie strong. I swear I can smell Jax through the TV.

  12. JoJoFLL

    Stassi is still vile.

    Why is she on here?

  13. Queen of the Nile

    Kristen’s date, Below Deck Aleks, admittedly has beautiful eyes, but the moment he said I wouldn’t have “tooken” you for a date, he lost any appeal for me. Sorry for the snark, Xanadude — it was just too cringe worthy!!

    • Shae

      Oh my god, I didn’t hear that. Did he REALLY say “tooken”? That’s one of my pet peeves. People who say that, “supposably” and that they “stood” home instead of “stayed” home.

      Where do people learn these bastardizations of the language???

      I found that whole scene cringe-worthy as she’s basically advertising, hey, I don’t wanna go home, i wanna get drunk and go back to YOUR home lol

    • Shae

      Also pretty gross that Brittany is proud/excited about having to support her felonious, lying, thieving excuse for a man. It’s embarrassing, honey, when your bf is a liar, cheater and thief and you need to support his ass, it’s not cute.

      Still blows my mind she considered what Jax did with Lala only “flirting” and was totally ok with him lying straight to her face about it repeatedly.

      • BKSweetheart

        Miss Kentucky Fried Chicken just wants to be on TV.

      • Sari

        Brittany is just pulling a Hillary Clinton. She’ll stand by her man and bide her time and, when the moment is right, will seek her own coveted spot behind the Sur bar.

        It’s all political, you see.

    • Sliceo'pie

      That’s pretty much a deal breaker for me.
      I live in NJ and although it doesn’t happen to often, occasionally I’ll hear, “Are youses going to the game? (which, by the way, is twice as bad as youse) .
      I cringe, just cringe. My husband thinks it’s snobby but I just can’t…

  14. BKSweetheart

    I want Stassi back. She’s way more witty and entertaining than majority of the cast combined. Plus anyone’s better than that phony self centered B Scheana.

    • KaraW

      I am with you, BKSweetheart — I would so much rather have Stassi than Scheana. Scheana’s interactions with her husband make me hate her more every episode. Every time she encourages Shay to drink or complains about his drinking, I find myself yelling at the TV. Where Stassi is only hurting herself.

    • Toddy

      Stassi needs to be back, because the show needs a villain. Kristen’s gone kinda soft. And though Lala wants to be a badass, she’s just not.

  15. There are times when I wonder if, pure as the driven snow Schwartzie, has carnal thoughts about the illustrious Ms Pinky. Last night was one of those times when he got all nervous and hot under the collar when Ms Pinky appeared. Sometimes it seems like he’s almost crushing on her to me. I also wonder if Katie is taking a page from Ms Pinky’s book and TRYING to look all matronly. If so, it’s working.

  16. michelle

    Anyone else notice at the end Stassi said something along the lines of “it’s really important to me, that you believe me and THINK I’m being sincere.” Surely someone genuinely being sincere would say it’s really important that you believ me and KNOW I’m being sincere…” The way she put it, sounds like she’s trying to pull the wool over his eyes.

  17. Mark

    I would like to (take PreP) and be in an Alexs/Jax violent sandwich… (and then take a test.)

    There. I said it. I’m ashamed, but it’s out there.

    • Mark

      I feel dirty now. I’m sorry.

      • Xanadude

        Don’t be. We’ve all had those thoughts. Your humble writer included. Although I would insist on showers beforehand. And maybe Silkwood Showers after.

      • Xanadude

        Plus, you know Jax would be really, really good at it. Professional, one might say.

      • Mark

        Oh HELLS YEAH. You know he would leave you used up and SPENT. Like a dirty, cheap whore. Who possibly has Chlamydia now.

        I wonder if it’s a biggun? You don’t get paid for it if you don’t have a big one, right? #Allegedly. I bet it’s a biggun.

        Where’s HIS sex tape? Someone’s deffo paid a couple of hundred for THAT before. #AllegedlyAllegedly

  18. KayOhhPDX

    I just CANNOT with Stassi: She acted like she was so much better than everyone and treated everyone like crap. Paybacks a bitch, girl. Oh, and fix those awful extensions! Every time we see you from the rear we see the extensions.

  19. Elsa

    Besides needing to get back in the show not really sure why Stassi wants to be friends with Katy. Season 1 when Jax cheated on her with girl in Vegas. Kristen/Katy sided with the boys. When the sex tape came to light with Schenna making fun of Stassi and showing it around Stassi had a right to be upset. Katy sided with Schenna. I know this is not a popular thought but Katy is not the victim and a fly by night friend.

    • I completely agree that any friend who sides with someone trying to hurt you by showing everyone an intimate video is deplorable. We all have moments that make us wish for that rewind button but for scheana to not remember what it was like when everyone hated her for being the other woman in the Eddie Cibrian Brandi Glanville marriage cheating scandal is despicable. I wonder if scheana was happy with everyone knowing she slept with a married man that had kids for TWO years, regardless of how long ago it was, she still did it. As for Stassi, she is like that old movie star, in her tattered mink. ..desperate for a glimmer of fame and glory. ..only her former fame was from being mephistopheles incarnate. Darn this show and its addictive nature. ..

  20. Honestly this group of young adults would raise eyebrows at the court of Caligula with some of their behavior…and that. .is why. .we watch. .Stassi’s fall from grace is epic. ..I smell a book deal. ..”Mean Girls and FaceTime self love. ..a cautionary tale/tail”

  21. Xanadude

    I’m very happy that no one on this site tried to RimShame Lala. Good on the group for being adult about this.

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