Andy Cohen annoys the hell out of me by constantly changing his mind about what time he wants to do is live show. Tonight it’s a ten. Why? Did Kristen or Katie Maloney or Bobby Moynihan have better things to do at 11? Does he have a Grindr date at midnight on the night before Teresa’s interview? Or maybe he needs to get to bed early to be refreshed for his interview with Tre tomorrow at the regular 11 p.m. slot? What? Why do I try to find logic when it comes to Andy? OH WAIT! I BET HE IS GETTING UP EARLY TO WATCH GMA! That has to be it.
Oh and last night, a source LIVE FROM THE SCENE! reported that someone had ODed at PUMP. So I go to check all the Pumpkids TLs to check and see if any of them were around and knew what was happening. Amazingly, pretty much all of them were out of town or just returning from hosting events. But the interesting thing is that Katie Mahoney has me blocked on Twitter. Was it something I said? Seriously, I don’t remember ever saying bad things about her. Maybe back in the orange hair days. /shrugs Scheana doesn’t have me blocked and we talk about her like a dog here. Ariana also has me blocked. I can sort of see that, as I am a huge Kristen fan. But I should point out that I don’t follow most of the Vanderpump folks and the only one I’ve ever included on a tweet is Kristen, because, LOVE. They have had to come here to read the site and then block me from tweeting them. Something I have never done. Weird. Yet validating that they all do show up here. Hey y’all! Anyway, I never got any further deets on whatever the hullabaloo was at PUMP! last night. I assume everyone is okay.
Okay on with the show. I am in the middle of watching, um, something else that I want to get back to and I haven’t watched #PumpRules yet, so I’m just going to mostly focus on Kristen whom I hope is drinking a lot. Bobby says that this episode was great, especially the last five minutes. Plus the promo for next week is great. Aleks from Below Deck made an appearance and said to Kristen he would not have “tooken her on a date” I had to type that five times to get WP to let me say it. Someone in the one of the court threads hear kept posting “I seen it myself” the other day and I really tried to be nice, until I just couldn’t take it anymore. Her response was that she doesn’t see why grammar is such a big deal. Um, if you can’t conjugate common verbs, then I am really not interested in your legal commentary. And if a guy talked about tooken me on a date? I’d excuse myself, climb out the bathroom window and hitch a ride with strangers to get far, far away.
But I get the feeling our girl Kristen, newly reformed, fucked him reverse cowgirl. I mean I haven’t watched the show, but I’m just going to risk it and say that happened.
Andy plays a game where they show pictures of the girls on the show half nekkid. Bobby is sporting major wood over Lala, because, kinda creepy. And even Bobby makes fun of Lala’s talking head “dress” which is basically sheer tight lace over a bra and panties. Everyone agrees and then Katie says she is wearing the more sophisticated, classy version of Lala’s dress. And it’s pretty much the same thing only green. Andy also threw shade at Ariana’s heavy “goth makeup” and asked Katie what she thought of that and Katie is like, well I’m wearing goth makeup tonight so…. Finally, Andy throwing more shade at someone who is not Kristen. But it doesn’t stop there, Andy says, speaking of sophisticated and classy, what do you think of this picture of Stassi in a bra and a thong. Wait really? Did that happen on the show tonight? Is this part of a commercial for her masturbation movie?
Wow apparently Schwartz really went for Stassi tonight. It was awesome!
OMG! James came crawling back to Kristen tonight only for her to get kicked to the curb? I’m almost considering reevaluating my life decision to watch a bunch of desperate women feed hot dogs to wild pigs in the ocean! Oh wait. No I’m not. I doubt anything on tonight’s Vanderpump Rules was better than watching women so desperate for a man that they would feed hogs hot dogs in a bikini in the water. I think that might be the pinnacle of good reality TV right there.
Well this is interesting news. Apparently Kristen got kicked out of PUMP “over the weekend” by Lisa Vanderpump. I just checked my timeline against hers and it was possible this happened just before she caught the red eye to NYC last night. She would have been drunk from the Superbowl and pre-gaming it for the flight. And it could have happened before all the ambulances and fire trucks came for the “possible OD” that scenario is going to bug me until someone tells me what happened.
Anyway, Andy Cohen, talk show host extraordinaire, didn’t bother to follow up and find out WTF happened. Or if she is merely banned on sight.
A caller asks Katie how often she and Schwartz have sex. Why do people feel comfortable asking Bravolebrities such person questions? Try going up to your favorite manicurist, or grocery clerk and asking them that question. WTF is wrong with people?
I’m only ten minutes in and 35 minutes behind. This is how long it takes to recap a good WWHL episode.
Next week on #PumpRules Jax finds out that Schwatz invited Stassi to his engagement party and goes nuts. Wait? Why are they having an engagement party when they don’t even have a date set? Is that normal? Maybe it is. But inviting your fiancée’s arch enemy to the party is not. Unless production says it is the storyline.
I haven’t even had time to talk about how great Kristen looks. That is some goooood weave. And she has had some serious facework. I guess she got her fillers fixed after her facial surgery finally healed.
Katie, does it bring you joy that Stassi is the one groveling to you when it used to be the other way around? Katie very smoothly says, “Of course it does.” And in that moment I just love me some Katie.
We play the best game on WWHL “Bravowood Squares” and we learn that Bethenny Frankel was once a PA on the TV show Saved by the Bell. Which is hilarious proof that Bethenny has been trying to get into TV for a million years. Yet just the other day at her launch for Skinnygirl Candy she said she is not a TV personality she is a business woman. You’re both, dear.
Someone on Twitter chastises Andy for not finding out why Kristen was put out of PUMP. She turns to Katie to ask how to answer. This means Katie was likely with her, this places them both at the scene around the time the ambulance was called. I’m just saying. Katie tells her to plead the fifth and ANDY LETS HER AGAIN! UGH. I hope someone watched the aftershow incase she talked about it there.
Andy seems to be making Kenya and the chick from Potomac married to the “black Bill Gates” the mazel for them both seemingly being referenced in Beyoncé’s new song. Kenya’s TL was blowing up about the mention last night. But rather than actually acknowledge Kenya, he has to smear her at the same time and put up a poll question about whether she looks like Beyoncé where everyone said no. Then he says, “Okay that was kind of shady.” Yes Andy we know. You’re a huge cunt satchel when it comes to Kenya.
The poll question was should Katie forgive Stassi.? And FORTY FIVE PERCENT OF THE CALLERS WERE UTTER FUCKING MORONS. The fuck?