Vanderpump Rules Recap: The Bitch Is Back

There were some faults with the radiators last week, but EVERYONE is secured now.

There were some faults with the radiators, but EVERYONE is secured now.

Xanadude, Guest Contributor

The bitch is back. (It’s like he doesn’t even read my recaps!)  I don’t mean Stassi.  I mean me.  After a week long reprieve from the radiator, I’m back at my post and ready to talk some Vanderpump Rules.

But first – couple of random things from last week, which was recapped wonderfully by our Mistress of the Malcontents, Tamara Tattles – James committed one of the most cardinal of cardinal sins in my eyes, which was to wear a shirt with no sleeves to the dinner table.  Seriously, it’s gross.  No one wants your hairy pits in their face while they’re eating.  Wear a damn shirt with sleeves.  Second, Lala gets massive points for being able to function in those HUGE hoop earrings.  Lastly, just when you think Scheana is a horrible self centered narcissist, here comes Stassi to remind you what a true horrid self centered narcissist looks like.  Scheana immediately gains both credibility and likeability simply by being on the same show with Stassi.

Which brings me to the giant elephant in the room: Stassi.   Here’s the thing – one of the reasons I love VPR is because the cast, no matter how unlikeable and immature, are in many ways relatable and, more importantly, redeemable.  Even James.   They all have some spark of humanity in them, and, hopefully, like all of us, they will wake up one day in their mid 30s (or, for Jax, his mid 50s) and realize that, this, was indeed, a small stupid period of their lives and they are ready to grow up, put down the booze, get a real job, and “adult.” Stassi, however, I have no such hope for.  I think she is just irredeemable to her core.  On a DNA level.   If you put a sample of her DNA in a petri dish, with other people’s samples, it will arrogantly slither to the center of the petri dish and look for the microscope lens to preen into, while either knocking over or absorbing all the other little DNA samples on the route.   I’m going to gloss over Stassi parts because I don’t like spending time, even virtual time, around her.

Stassi is basically Farrah Abraham with better birth control.

Jax arrives back at his and Brittany’s apartment in Koreatown (que?).  Jax left everything – his toothbrush, his deodorant, his dignity, basically everything, in Hawaii, except his hair product (dude’s hair looks good post jail).  He Jaxes a bit to Brittany about how sorry he is and you can briefly see Brittany’s inner struggle as she realizes with whom she has hitched her ride.  Jax ends up sweet talking her, but ruins the moment by stopping mid-Jax and saying he has to go meet Ariana to get his luggage.  Ariana has been the designee to bring Jax his 80 pound suitcase.  Ariana is pissed.  Jax tried be self effacing but Ariana isn’t having it.  Ariana jokes that the suitcase is so heavy because it contains all the sunglasses Jax stole.

We are then treated to a wonderful montage of various SUR employees gleefully reacting to the news of Jax’s arrest.  My favorite characters, the Hispanic kitchen staff, show up to bilingually diss Jax, although, sadly, there is no dancing.

Vanderpump Rules Jax is Very Confused

Katie and Scheana go to Kristen’s to dish.  Kristen says Jax has zero impulse control.  Scheana opines that it is okay to steal from SUR, but to steal “designer sunglasses” is quelle horrible!  It turns out the Kristen is being Kristened by Kevin (and if you follow the show, you’ll know what I mean).  Dude won’t leave.  They slept together a week ago and dude won’t leave.  (He’s looking for the cable box, maybe?).  Kristen bring up Stassi and Katie, in one of the rare moments when she is interesting (it’s like Leap Year. Once every four years) says that she absolutely does not want to be around or talk to Stassi ever again.  Kristen just wants to get the old gang back together.  Scheana speaks for the group and says “WE don’t want her around,” and subtly threatens Kristen by saying Kristen should want the same thing.  Scheana catches herself while saying this and tries to soften the blow, but Kristen notices and files it away for later usage.

By the way – the girls all have a “tell.”  Poker players know what I mean – one surefire giveaway action that someone consistently does in times of stress – in this case, the girls all have a “bitch tell;” whenever they are deliberately being catty and know it, they stroke their hair into a side ponytail.  Watch for it.

Brittany transferred to Koreatown Hooters and on her first day Jax and the Toms show up to use Jax’s 50% off discount card.  I can’t joke about this, as I have been the recipient of this kindness as well, as I have a close male (straight) relative who is a VIP at Hooters.  Judges the Tshirt contest and everything.  I gotta say, being a gay guy at Hooters is great – the girls love the fact that I tip well and have no expectations and they know Close Male Relative is respectful in a non-leery and high-tippy way as well.   Jax opines that Villa Blanca is just like Castle Greyskull, which would make him Orko, I guess.  Look it up.

While covered in hot wing sauce, Jax gets a call from Hawaii telling him there is a warrant out for his arrest.  He brushes it off, saying he’s NOT even IN Hawaii, and besides, his lawyer will take care of it.  He goes back to the table to lie to the Toms about the seriousness of it.  It also turns out that Kristen’s Kevin is a good friend of Jax and he has a girlfriend.

We tried to warn you, Brittany!

We tried to warn you, Brittany!

 

While the boys are Hootering, Stassi and Kristen talk about how Kevin WILL NOT LEAVE and that Jax is a thief.   Everyone knows Jax is a thief, and Stassi is totally ok with it as long as it benefits her, as it did when he stole this lovely little clutch she still has.  He stole from Stassi’s father’s girlfriend, but, that’s ok cuz Stassi thinks she a bitch or something.  Stassi’s storyline is that she’s a little lost lamb, adrift and alone, but she’s not a good enough actress to pull it off, and we keep getting reminded that Stassi is really Dr. Kimberly Shaw, minus the scar and plus a sex tape.  Sex tape Stassi sex tape Stassi sex tape Stassi.  I just want to make sure that when a search engine sees the word “Stassi,” it also includes the words “sex tape.”  It worked for Santorum.

Jax goes to Villa Blanca.  Pinky descends from the staircase in Dynasty fashion.  Jax thinks he will get off lightly because Pinky is always so amused by his shenanigans, but Pinky is Pissed.  We see genuine fear in Jax’s eyes as he stammers an explanation about being drunk, but LVP says that “A drunk? A thief? A liar? Which one is it? Or all three?”  Jax counters with “I’m not a bad person…” but LVP cuts him off with “If it walks like a duck…” (It also comes up in conversation that Jax is 36.  Ahem.)  Jax is suspended for two weeks and Pinky banishes him.

Out of curiosity, where’s Max?  Did he make it home okay?  Is her recovering?  Did Lisa fly him home separately from the group after Jax was jailed?

Tom and Ariana are repainting their apartment on the first anniversary of Shay’s Wedding of the Century.  They agree it is best to disengage from these people.  Ariana realizes that Scheana makes everything, even Tom and Ariana’s relationship, about Scheana.  Ariana thinks Scheana is jealous of Tom and Ariana’s non-dysfunctional relationship (as opposed to the Shay’s marriage) and, yes, I agree with Ariana.  Ariana may be the Daria of the group, but, let’s remember that more times than not Daria was right.   And Tom already has Jane’s haircut, so, yes, Ariana and Tom are the new Daria and Jane.

gif: T.Kyle RealityTVGifs

gif: T.Kyle RealityTVGifs

 

Jax, Brittany, and Kristen meet at a bar called The Alley, which looks just like the alley set at SUR and every other Alley Set these past four seasons, except this time the producers put white tablecloths on the tables and used the purple mood lighting.  Jax is taking his suspension as a vacation (as opposed to his real vacation, which resulted in jail time).  Kristen claims to not know that Kevin has a girlfriend.  Jax rats him out. Kevin shows up, and Krazy Kristen returns, dismissing Kevin and saying “You’re worse than Jax!” effectively insulting Jax IN FRONT OF Jax.

So Kevin’s moved out and Stassi has temporarily moved in and has already started bossing Kristen around, jostling our Kristen out of bed the next morning to show her the fabulous new apartment she’s found – one that is SO MUCH BETTER than Kristen’s – and it turns out that the guy who leaked Stassi’s Sex Tape was her ex-boyfriend and a fellow LVP employee.  He allegedly tried to blackmail her for $900 dollars, and Stassi alleges that LVP “took care of it.”

Fun fact: it is apparently cheaper to watch Stassi’s Sex Tape than it is to bail Jax out of Jail.  And that’s one to grow on.

Jax pays the Schwartz back for bailing him out.

The Shays go out to celebrate their one year anniversary.  Scheana wants to get drunk.  Shay says, in a talking head filmed later, that he “married a hot…(pause pause pause) awesome person” and that’s why he puts up with her nagging and waving a bottle for him to pee in around.  Scheana, still not understanding what an addict is, says she wants to find a happy medium (at least she didn’t say “happy median” like Melissa Giudice) and that is “Don’t get shitfaced.  Don’t be a bore.”   Meaning, you are allowed to get drunk enough to amuse me but not annoy me.  Fuck you Scheana.

James and Lala shoot an underwear/soft core porn commercial.  James douches it up by saying that he’s done tons of modeling, mate, so of course he’s brilliant at it.  Lala also models, but is realistic about her body.  Lala sets rules for their relationship and James promptly sets out to break them.

gif: T.Kyle RealityTVGifs

gif: T.Kyle RealityTVGifs

Everyone knows Stassi is going to see LVP, except, supposedly LVP.  Let’s face it, if Ladyfingers McGee was coming to the restaurant, LVP would know – especially since they coordinated their outfits beforehand, with Lisa is stunning red and Stassi is slithery green.  It’s a marvelously staged and obviously choreographed meeting.  Lisa sets the tone right off by asserting her dominance, which throws Stassi off her game.  LVP tells her to sit, then to stand, then to sit, then to leave, with some poisonous barbs in between.

Stassi tries to pull off “prodigal daughter” but her inherent, DNA level awfuleness won’t let her even allow her to cry on cue.  She offers LVP the $900 which LVP paid off the blackmailing boyfriend.  LVP declines and is offended – hell, she’s offended to even be in the same room as Stassi – and says that if Stassi wants to get back in her friends’ good graces (ie back on the show permanently) she will need to be sincere and do a lot of work making it up to her friends (ie kiss Lisa’s pink ass).  Stassi tries to pull the “I promised myself I wouldn’t cry” routine, but Lisa wasn’t buying it from Jax and she isn’t buying it from Stassi, who is dismissed.

Stassi leaves but cannot contain the “fuck you bitch” look in her eye as she glances at the camera.

Next week:  Katie has a launch.  James is not invited, but crashes.  Stassi works on Schwartz to get to Katie.

57 Comments

Filed under Bravo, Dumbasses, Entertainment News, Vanderpump Rules

57 responses to “Vanderpump Rules Recap: The Bitch Is Back

  1. Micheal

    Sex tape? Isn’t it a masturbatory pov video? Huge difference!!!

  2. Spilledperfume

    I was waiting for your recap. Welcome back!

    PS: Arianna joked that there were dead bodies in Jax’s luggage. He said it was full of sunglasses which Arianna didn’t appreciate.

  3. Spilledperfume

    My guess is sex tape sounds better.

  4. I thought season one Stassi was attractive and stylish. Now she is like some sort of parallel universe Direct TV ” bad Stassi”.
    Unemployed, couch surfing at Kristens, no boyfriend, pathetic Stassi. Groveling to Lisa, showing off some worn out ole stolen wallet.
    She will not age well. I can see a blowsey, Shelly Winters vibe coming on. Maybe Brittney can hook her up at Hooters. Or Norms.

    Don’t be this Stassi.

  5. I don’t know why Lisa would be offended that Stassi attempted to pay her back.

    I think Kevin knew what was gonna happen with Kristen in the restaurant scene where Kristen breaks up with him & kicks him out. He had such a look of fear & trepidation when he approached the table the group was sitting at.

    Nice psychological observations about the “tell” the girls.

    I will never understand Sandoval appeals. He is so gross to me, and Ariana is nothing but a sour puss frown face buzz kill.

    Shay & Scheana really are a hot sexy couple, but that is all they offer besides stupidity.

    I’m enjoying this low-key cray cray version of Kristen. She’s still nuts & delusional but more tolerable & likable this season.

    Jax is beyond disgusting and I can’t fathom why Lisa hasn’t fired him for his sticky fingers within in her own restaurant.

    Lala is a fucking hot piece when she’s NOT any where near James; but during the photo shoot when I see them together with their skinny malnourished thin bodies grinding on each other I think of crickets having sex. BLEH….

    • Toddy

      Offering to pay back LVP was the responsible thing to do. I’m also confused as to why LVP acted insulted. Is $900 peanuts to her? Well, probably?

      • Katherine 2.0

        Probably because LVP knows the reason behind Stassi’s offer, and that is to get back on the show. After the nasty things she said to and about the golden goose, she wants back in. Fuck her. She made her bed, let the 15 minutes go to her head, and got the boot.

      • Katherine 2.0

        You never disappoint, Xandude. Snark with a heart. I appreciate your take on the younguns and your optimism for their ability to one day “adult.”
        Stassi, as you pointed out so imaginatively, is a whole other beastie, however.

    • Toddy

      Thanks for the recap, Xanadude. Fun as always! Love the Daria reference.

    • JoJoFLL

      Scheana and Shay are hot and sexy??????

    • Miguel

      Ha ha – crickets!!! James has always grossed, and continues to gross, me out – bleck, ick, etc…

  6. Johanna

    Living for the Dr Kim Shaw à la Meleose Place reference!

  7. Mousie

    The combo of Stassi and Kristen together again is weird. And if Stassi hadn’t have opened her big mouth about her (gasp!) “sex tape,” many people wouldn’t even have known about it. I certainly didn’t. And I don’t care to know any more about it. But I think she let that lingo drop on purpose on the show so that she can make money off from it or something like that. Why else would she act all offended by it last year and leave the show, only to come back and start talking about the sex tape right away if it was so offensive? I get the feeling that Patrick didn’t want her talking about it, making a spectacle of herself in the public eye. If a man asks you to make a sex tape for him, don’t do it. And if he asks you to be sure to show your face in the said sex tape, (as whoever this guy was that Stassi was messing around with asked her to do – and she did, she said) – definitely don’t do it! Kind of ironic that Stassi seems to call several other women on the show “skanks”, “hos”, “homewreckers,” etc. — definitely acted like she was better that everyone — who’s looking like the ho now, with the sex tape? She actually seemed proud of it during tonight’s episode, claiming she “didn’t even like to say the words,” so why did she? Thought the whole point was to quiet the whole thing down. I guess she thinks she is going to launch a career like Kim Kardashian’s, — taking “sexy selfies” of asses, boobs, va jay jays, etc. during the day…whatever.,,don;t know how they will work in Stassi and Kristen’s storylines, but the scene with Stassi in it tonight with Lisa V. appeared to be scripted. I mean it felt like a friggin scene from Days Of Our Lives or a real soap opera, From Stassi trying to cry, to her getting up and down, Lisa’s remarks, then as Stassi walked out of the restaurant, with her and the camera so close, it was like she was going to say something to the camera…strange.,,

  8. CoBe

    Had LVP accepted the money Stassi was trying to force on her, Stassi would be the one with the legal rights to the tape instead of LVP.

    Sly attempt on Stassi’s part.

  9. Peter is the Martin O’Malley of Sur.

    • checkeredapron

      Lol,when I see him I still think of what you wrote about his new hair cut “Dippity Don’t”

      • I am, as I may have mentioned a time or 2 or 20, obsessed with Peter’s hair. Lately his screen time has been vastly reduced therefore depriving me of critiquing his, ahem….styling.
        I think it is funny that Peter is the “manager” at Sur, hangs out and parties with Jax yet knows nothing of his stealing wine, candles etc. Lol

        Oh, these goofy kids.

      • Stephanie

        I actually think Peter is the best looking out of the guys. Yea Kaiser why has his screen time been reduced?

  10. Bridgett

    Xanadude..love, love, love your recaps!

    Ariana + Tom = Daria + Jane is perfect !

  11. Gut-busting recap – thanks Ben! The DNA bit reminds me of the movie “The Thing” (original one with Kurt Russell) when they tested each others blood in a petri dish. Love! ?

  12. Queen of the Nile

    I’m not sure who’s worse at fake crying … Stassi or Jax. But I do know those wonderful guys in the kitchen have the most contagious laughs! They just might be my two favorite Bravo cast members.

  13. Shae

    Awesome recap lol
    Kristen was totally full of shit about not knowing he had a gf, cmon. She knew, she just didn’t care. And if she wonders why at 5’9 and “fking beautiful” she can’t get a decent/sweet/professional, etc. guy, maybe she could reconsider dating jax’ friends and hopping into bed with them immediately (regardless of their relationship status)

    Just sayin. You’re whoring yourself out to randoms with bad track records then wondering why you get shit results.

    Stassi is insufferable and LVP was right to shut her down- then she had some nerve to act like she doesn’t owe Lisa anything? All fake. There is no remorse, just convenience for Stassi. It suits her purposes now to get back in with everyone, therefore she’s playing the role. I call bs.

    • Jaded

      I actually wondered if part of the reason LVP was so hard on Stassi has to do with Stassi’s friendship with LVPs nemesis Brandi.

  14. Shae

    Jax has classic entitlement issues, thinks he can just help himself to whatever he pleases and tell whatever lies facilitate his wants regardless of how they affect others. Your actions determine who you are, not what you say, and his actions say he’s a lying, cheating, stealing sleazeball. Stupid Brittany.

    • Dee

      I agree Shae. He is not wired right. He isn’t going to age well. Brittany thinks Hooters is the best she can do?! How many false eyelashes are on Scheana? Does she think that’s attractive? I can’t see her eyes, how can she see to drive?!_SMDH

  15. susan

    What about Ariana dripping paint on the carpet? The poise princess was totally stoned. And that Kevin guy seemed greasy to me.

  16. Great recap. Everything I was thinking was said. I only disagree about the likability of the cast…..they all seem genetically damaged. I doubt that any of them have the “adulting” gene or that they ever will.

  17. The best part of the whole episode was the Hispanic guys joking about watching the knives and plates.

    • Stephanie

      Completely agree Gingersnap. I loved when the kitchen crew talked about Kristen being fired and still loving them with this talk.

  18. Elsa

    I guess the fashion blogging was not a big money maker for Stassi so she is back trying to get her VPR job back. Katie is the most boring cast member but Stassi does have a point that she is not a loyal friend. Hope they keep Stassi to a very minor role. Schenna tries to hard to be the queen bee becoming friends with everyone’s mother is kinda weird. This show is a train wreck but fun to watch. Tamara off subject but love that you are not a fan of RHP either

  19. I a most puked, when in her talking head, Lala stated Jax wasn’t a cool criminal like a drug dealer. Good grief.

  20. The most embarrassing part of the Stassi sex tape debacle is that Frank only wanted $900 for it. $900! When it came out at the reunion that LVP paid him off, I assumed she paid at least $10,000. $900… What a joke! (Stassi sex tape, Stassi sex tape, Stassi sex tape)

    Great recap, Dude! Thanks for the Daria & Jane reference. And for reading these fools to filth. But hey, what happened to the Aftershow? I miss it.

    • Katherine 2.0

      Good point, Lady! That shit was on the discount rack before it even hit the streets. How much will anyone pay for it now? A buck fifty?

      • Xanadude

        …about tree fiddy, according to Chef’s dad

      • Katherine 2.0

        Dude! One of my favorite episodes! Tree fiddy is kinda pricey, though, for Stassi’s self-pleasuring horror show. Maybe she could bundle it with a montage of her slapping faces and telling her friends to fuck off.

  21. Stephanie

    It was my understanding that ratings went down and production asked Stassi to return as she brings the drama. TT, am I mistaken, did I misread one of your posts awhile back?

  22. Is the ” Blackmailing Boyfriend ” Frank from season 1?

  23. JoJoFLL

    Stassi hasn’t changed a bit. She was a snarky and bitchy as ever in her confessionals.

  24. Stassi is basically Farrah Abraham with better birth control. Is the best description of Stassi ever. Great read!

  25. KaraW

    Jaxes! My new favorite verb! Sociopathic Jax has a tell too – he rubs his eyes before every lie. Pretty much every time he speaks.

  26. Grandmalou

    And speaking of the “tell”, that Scheana can’t complete a sentence without stroking or pulling her hair to the side. What is it with reality tv thotlebreties these days? They all seem to be obsessed with their stresses. It’s very annoying and distracting. Kyle is the worse.

  27. Sari

    Great recap!

    Scheana has achieved her goal- to skin Stassi and wear her like last year’s statement necklace. Sadly, she lacks the qualities that made Stassi the compelling Queen Bee we used to love to hate circa season 1.

    I’m not ashamed to say that I’m grateful for Stassi’s return. I wish more of you felt the same! While Stassi is only a shell of the quick witted girl who once ruled her minions with delicious fear, she’s still a welcome reprieve from the other women on the show with their blank expressions and lack of substance.

    Except for Kristin. Thank the gods for Kristin. She’s been great at compensating for all of the inexplicable airtime Scheana has, somehow, secured. I look forward to seeing her when she walks into a room in which she had not been invited (or from which she had been uninvited). I’m happy that she’s still bat shit crazy, but some of her other personalities have returned to balance it all. Like the one personality that is disgusted by people who cheat.

    When Scheana speaks, I cringe. The voice mixed in with all that confident delivery of shit advice for her husband… And I can’t ignore the narcissism displayed in EVERY conversation with a castmate. I can imagine someone being diagnosed with a disease guaranteed to bring about a slow painful death and Scheana being perkily perched bedside at the hospital droning on and on about how this all reminds her of the time she broke her tooth.

    All while wiping away phantom tears that cling to her mink lashes.

  28. Erica

    Lisa of COURSE knew Stassi was coming – she’s a producer of the show! But I do honestly think the feelings and sentiments behind what Lisa said was genuine and not necessarily scripted there. I loved how she shut down Stassi’s semf impotant drama about how Lisa “hated” her. that was EPIC.

    Stassi is scrambling. She is now realizing that she burned all her bridges a little too well. If she had kept ONE intact, she would be better off right now.

    Oh, and Schaena is a self centered cunt.

  29. Kim

    Scheana should enjoy her stint as “leader of the pack” because there’s always another alpha female willing to take her down & one day, there will be opportunity. I don’t mind Stassi coming back because I see her basically as the same type of ego maniacal, self centered person as Scheana. I’ll have to pop some corn to watch that battle royale. As for Katie, she’s a sheep. She’s just a follower-type, not everyone can be a leader. I’m just waiting for the moment Kristen crosses Jax &/or Scheana, which is inevitable. As soon as she does, she’ll be on the outs again. My most hopeful moment is when someone checks James. That has GOT to happen eventually (fingers crossed), hopefully sooner than later.

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