Guest Contributor Ben Cole
On RHOBH tonight, we pick back up right where we left off, at the “exclusive” white party in the Hamptons, for Lisa Vanderpump’s magazine cover release. Thanks to Teen Mom OG, we are able to get a clearer picture of what the party really was like from a non-Bravo viewpoint. All the ladies head to a huge banquet table for dinner. Keeping the mood casual & light, the women bring up the topic of divorce over dinner. Lisa Vanderpump doesn’t seem to know any of Eileen’s romantic history and dives right in with plenty of questions. Vanderpump finds out Eileen has been married three times, and met Vince on the set of Y&R while they were both still married. Eileen is visibly uncomfortable with the game of 21 questions. Vanderpump is really digging for information and not letting up. Eileen says she thought all this information was common knowledge. Even I find it hard to believe Vanderpump knew none of this information. The majority of the time I could give two flips about Eileen and her dry-white-wine, but even I knew her marriage began with the “A-Word” (according to Kyle, affair is something of a curse word.) Rinna sides with Eileen, and calls Vanderpump ‘insensitive’ in a talking head.
The next day, all the ladies are up at the rental house and beginning another day in the Hamptons. Kyle calls Bethenny (!!!) on the phone. We get a quick rundown of the history between Kyle & Bethenny. They’ve known each other for 25 years. Kyle says they’ve gone through a lot with each other. She’s watched her growth and seen how far she’s come over the years. The conversation closes out with Bethenny asking why the ladies are there in the first place. Kyle tells her about Vanderpump’s cover of Bella Magazine. Bethenny quips right back – “What is that??” Cut to me in tears. Bethenny has never heard-of or seen Bella Magazine (what a surprise.)
The ladies from the rental home head to pick up Lisa V. from the hotel, and are off to a wine tasting. I suppose they all feel safe around plentiful amounts of wine/wine glasses with Brandi & Kim gone. Eileen admits in her talking head she is uncomfortable being around Lisa V. due to dinner the night before, and doesn’t do well with unresolved issues. Erika is the main topic of conversation at the wine tasting. Lisa Rinna still hasn’t met Erika, but googled her prior to the Hamptons trip.
Rinna says the first search result was a music video “Painkillr” (See above, that’s not a typo!) Lisa Rinna says the video was “sexual in a way that I was just like, woah.” She says she trying not to be judgemental, she’s just reporting. (I’m totally stealing this excuse to talk shit about people in 2016.) Lisa Vanderpump hits the nail on the head – says Rinna IS being judgemental, but doesn’t want everyone to be judgemental of her being judgemental. Still following?
Lisa Rinna brings up the music video on her cellphone. Nobody can take their eyes off the screen. Eileen is impressed, the rest laugh like schoolgirls. In her talking head, Lisa Rinna basically compares the video to porn. She says she doesn’t mind watching it, if it’s porn – but she doesn’t actually meet the porn stars. Well. Alrighty then. Eileen is in love with the video. Her lady-boner for Erika is obvious. The wine tasting is cut short because of a bee – Kyle left her epi-pen at home. You best believe I would have sent her home safely (alone) in a production van and continued drinking – for two.
Erika finally arrives to the Hamptons in full drag. She’s staying at the Capri Hotel, she reasons if Lisa Vanderpump is staying there, it couldn’t be that bad. She’s in her hot pink & gold heels, ripped jeans, a sparkle jacket, & Barbie weave on point. Lisa Rinna describes Erika as “Cotton Candy-meets-Chanel-meets- Vegas Showgirl.” I just noticed the GIANT pink Chanel lock Erika is wearing around her neck. She’s definitely friends with a lot of drag queens. Eileen spills the beans (surprise, surprise) that they all watched her music video for Painkillr. Lisa Rinna tells Erika she was shocked at the video, and didn’t know if she could finish it. Erika handles this well, she tells Lisa it’s just a character, it’s no different than acting. Eileen brings up the ridiculousness of Rinna acting any type of way when she’s posted for Playboy several times. Sip your dry-white-wine & preach, girl!
We jump to Ohio and see Yolanda recovering in her hotel room, with David acting as her “nurse.” She apologizes to him that he didn’t sign up for any of this. As T.T. reported earlier – Yolanda officially filed for divorce today. I don’t think David signed up for any of this either.
Lisa Vanderpump calls Yolanda to check in on her. Yolanda tells her they “removed everything from wherever they could get to.” David tells Lisa that Ken has bigger tits than Yolanda now. Yolanda tells Lisa she thinks the silicone in her body was the reason her health wasn’t improving. She says it’s the first time in 4 years she isn’t coughing. She thinks the burden has been taken off her immune system, and now it can focus on killing the Lyme Disease.
Back at the Hamptons house, we have talk amongst the ladies of who has and hasn’t met Bethenny. Nobody has except Lisa Rinna. We see a classic #RHONY clip of Lisa Rinna actually meeting Bethenny at the infamous Season 3 fashion show (I don’t like you, I don’t trust you, and I think you’re a snake) Rinna explains she went to the fashion show with Kelly Bensimon, but ended up meeting Bethenny that day and liking her better. Oh man, I can’t with all this Bethenny/Kelly talk. What I wouldn’t give to have them both back on RHONY. #jellybeans
Kyle arrives at Bethenny’s house. Everything in Bethenny’s Hamptons house is (not surprisingly) Skinnygirl red. The lawn chairs out front, the front door, the cookware – the OVEN KNOBS. Sheesh. Gotta hand it to her, I guess. Even with all the red, the house is gorgeous. Kyle says Bethenny was living in a tiny box 25 years before this. Kyle says Bethenny was always a go-getter. From selling shawls out of the back of her Ford Probe (was that some subtle shade?) to Skinnygirl, nothing was ever going to stop Bethenny from getting to the top. Jesus, I just noticed even the trim inside the house is painted Skinnygirl-red. Bethenny asks Kyle about Kim. She wants to know if it’s as bad as what’s in the media, or if it’s all being blown out of proportion. Kyle admits she doesn’t know what to do. She knows she can’t help Kim unless Kim wants the help, but meanwhile doesn’t know how to respond to everyone questioning her. Kyle explains in her talking head it’s easier to discuss Kim with Bethenny vs the other ladies. She doesn’t have to feel as defensive, Bethenny knows the history and has been around for most of it. The conversation shifts to Erika/Erika-Jayne. Kyle describes Erika to Bethenny as, the woman who is married to “the lawyer they did the movie about with Erin Brockovich.” She mentions the age difference. Bethenny takes a look at Erika’s Instagram account and is shocked. Bethenny makes a joke about Erika only flying private and calls her Barbie. She thinks she looks like a Playboy bunny.
In the limo on the way to Bethenny’s dinner, Lisa Vanderpump calls Erika’s music video “erotic” and Erika thanks her. Both Vanderpump and Rinna agree the video was beautifully shot. They arrive at Bethenny’s house, where Erika & Bethenny officially meet. Bethenny wastes no time bringing up her Instagram page. Bethenny tells Erika she is obsessed with her already. Eileen says in her talking head that she is the bigger fan of Erika because she is actually supportive, while Bethenny is only judging her and borderline poking fun at Erika. #ladyboner
Bethenny calls Erika ‘Bambi’ – and also a “mogul wife by day, hoe by night.” Ten points for Bethenny. Erika says she doesn’t mind it. She thinks hookers are fabulous, if she has to represent all the hookers in the world – she’s fine with that.
We see more reminiscing between the ladies. Bethenny tells the women she was a hostess at La Scala in Beverly Hills. This prompts Vanderpump to sort of “out” Erika, and Lisa tells Erika to “tell her story.” Erika admits she was a cocktail waitress and that’s how she met her husband. Bethenny doesn’t miss a beat, and adds a person can make good money as a cocktail waitress, she herself was one at one point. Erika adds you can make good money if you know what you’re doing, and work a lot of night shifts. The ladies all make judgmental faces.
Bethenny has no issue diving right into business talk/advice with Erika. Bethenny says Erika needs to sculpt her brand, and have a clearer message. Bethenny says Erika-Jayne should be a whole female-empowerment movement, and Erika quickly responds that already is the whole point, it’s exactly what her message already is. Lisa Rinna starts not feeling well (senses the tension?) and excuses herself from the dinner. She didn’t want to leave any of us viewers worried, so she lets us all know she felt a bout of diarrhea coming on. I’m getting too much inner-butt action from Lisa Rinna this season. Apparently, even her bowels are hustlers.
Erika shows her music video to Bethenny. Bethenny launches right into her POV. She’s not happy with the production value, she thinks it looks cheap. Bethenny says the video is trying to be avant-garde but it’s ‘not quite getting it.’ Bethenny even makes a comment about not liking the beats. #BeatsBySkinnygirl launching this spring. Eileen sticks up for her new lady crush and adds she thought the production value was great. Erika plays it off, says everyone is allowed to have an opinion. Bethenny continues to add suggestions, and Erika clearly is uninterested. Erika nails it in her talking head. “I don’t know anything about margaritas. And I don’t know anything about being Skinny. So I’m not going to tell anyone what to do with their Skinnygirl shit.” Boom. Mic Drop. Bye. I love you, Bethenny, but she’s coming for you! Erika gives Bethenny a quick lesson on how to move like Erika-Jayne. Bethenny attempts to drop it low, and splits her pants.
The next day, Rinna’s case of diarrhea has cleared up and she’s doing yoga alone in the backyard. She finishes, and sits with Eileen (who is still upset with Lisa V.) in the kitchen. The two women discuss how to handle the situation. Lisa Rinna (naturally) urges Eileen to discuss it with Lisa V. Eileen says she felt like Lisa was grilling her at the dinner table. Both women agree it was obvious Eileen was uncomfortable, and Lisa V was pushing her boundaries. Eileen comments Vanderpump isn’t a stupid woman, so she doesn’t understand how she wouldn’t pick up on that fact.
Rinna continues to push Eileen to bring it up to Vanderpump, and Eileen eventually goes for it. We cut to Erika and Lisa Vanderpump riding in a limo together. Lisa is putting Erika through the same 21-questions game about her marriage as she did Eileen. They arrive to the rental house and Eileen immediately pulls Vanderpump aside. She gets right into being bothered and upset with all the questions from Lisa about her marriage(s) – Lisa can’t be bothered and apologizes. She doesn’t understand why Eileen wouldn’t have just changed the subject if she was so uncomfortable. In her talking head, Eileen feels like nothing is resolved between them. Eileen says Lisa V. hurt her feelings, and then turned it back around on her. They fake apologize again and Lisa Vanderpump stares Eileen down. Eileen stares back, the look in her eye tells me she knows she’s gone and done it now. Better watch out, Eileen, or the queen will declare it’s off with your head!
NEXT WEEK: Bethenny apologizes to Erika. Erika picks Yolanda up in Ohio on her private jet. Kathryn finally comes out of hiding!!!