So last night, I decided that the pairing of Kristen Doute and Scheana Shay needed my full attention so I delayed recapping it until today. Somehow, I still don’t feel quite prepared for this, but here we go.
Andy was depressed all day yesterday on Twitter over David Bowie’s death so I expect him to be a bit off his game. Shay as the bartender is a rather rude choice though I imagine that Scheana pushed for it. I’m not expert on addiction, or I should more clearly say recovery, but I’d imagine being married to Scheana would trigger Pope Francis to use. Scheana claims she is no longer pee tests her husband.
Andy begins by asking Kristen about Lala’s comments about James’ penis. Can we pause for a moment to think about this as if this were not something we are so used to on this show that it seems normal? You have an ex boyfriend with whom you have broken up in an ugly, rather psychotic way. You have moved on but you work with your ex and another young lady who may or may not be having some sort of sluttish liason with him. And executive from your company has you on a late night talk show to discuss your ex’s penis. This sort of shit is just not covered in Emily Post. Perhaps it is in Phaedra’s etiquette book, or the one that Marlo read before proceeding to an actual wild animal reserve, but I for one would struggle to find the correct answer. Our star Kristen on the other hand, dressed in a virginal and seasonally inappropriate white dress, simply very politely explains to Andy that she was unaware that whores are particularly selective in their sex partners. Kristen should write the next book on etiquette.
Andy is appalled that Jax feels comfortable pooping in front of his girlfriend so early in the relationship. Only Scheana broke the fourth wall and mentioned that Jax was pooping in front of a camera crew on national TV. The situation was so upsetting to our dear Xanadude that he could not bear to discuss it in his fabulous recap of the episode. Once again, Kristen shares information on a former paramour with dignity stating that Jax has no compunction about pooping in front of anyone. Her book is writing itself. Chapter 5, ” Embracing Gender Differences In The Bathroom : When To Flush (The Relationship).
And then this happened.
I was already feeling some kinda way today, and now John Legend is singing the Vanderpump Rules song? I can’t.
Then Andy plays a clip of J Law on the show trashing Scheana. There is a little box with Scheana’s reaction and she seems noticeably discomfited before she decides that laughter is her best move. Then J Law calls Kristen, “a recovering psycho” which is probably worse than the lengthy takedown of Scheana. All they care about is that J Law knows their name. I agree with both of them. That is how Farrah should have handled getting read by Nicki Minaj the other day (see comments).
The scene with Kristen and Sandoval was played with heartfelt music as the backdrop as Andy wants to know if there is still a flicker of love between the two. But he doesn’t actually ask her.
Questions for Scheana
Why is it okay for Shay to drink? She says it is not and he stopped drinking a couple of months ago. So that makes it an even better idea to make him the bartender tonight! Way to go Scheana and Andrew! Andy then grills him on his sobriety and his exercise routine. Because there is nothing kinder than asking someone struggling with drinking and weight issues how their sobriety and exercise routine is going on national TV.
Why is it okay for Shay to test positive for Marijuana? Scheana says, “I say a lot of things people take too seriously. (Um she was so not kidding when she said that) but it is natural and it’s not as bad as alcohol (Which Scheana drinks like a fish).
Just when you thought Andy could not get any shadier, he allows “Biff From Connecticut” to insult his guests again. Biff has been calling in since 2013 and being extremely rude to the Bravolebrities. He is a Twitter troll. Andy this time makes a disclaimer that he does not know who this guy is and it is not “a setup.” Call it what you want Andy. You are enjoying the Internet troll abusing your employees. Why not let him ask Lisa Vanderpump a question?
So first Biff shames Shay for not using the horn that Andy gave him seconds before to toot if he wants Scheana to shut up. Then he asks her about the rude comment Scheana made on camera about Shay not asking Max for some of his pain killers. Once again Scheana uses the joke excuse. I don’t know why Scheana even acknowledged his question. I would have told Andrew that I didn’t wish to participate in his personal attacks on her by Internet troll proxy. But Scheana is dumb. Shay sticks up for her.
Andy then tries to get Biff to insult our queen, Kristen. Biff tells Andy in no uncertain terms he loves Kristen. Even a broken clock is correct twice a day. Then he gives her the storyline suggestion of screwing one of the dishwashers to keep her on the show. He is also butthurt that she didn’t get to go to Hawaii and James did. Aren’t we all Biff, aren’t we all. Biff asked why she didn’t just go anyway? ( I feel like the real reason is Kristen had another gig or something else going on.) But Kristen says she considered it.
Andy thanks Biff, who of course he does not know, and ends the call with . “Love you buddy!” to add further insult to Scheana and Shay. #ShadyBoots
Why are you so hard on Ariana? How would you feel if Jax invited Brandi Glanville to Hawaii? Scheana says that is a completely different situation. She doesn’t feel she was hard on Ariana. There is a lot more to the story and she is friends with and loves Kristen. (Kristen interrupts to ask how Scheana would feel if he did invite Brandi?) Scheana says, “I mean,,,,okay?” and shrugs. Kristen finds this entire Brandi question hilarious.
Ariana tweeted, “Being told how I feel and what I think for months by two girls with zero authority on it? Now that pissed me off.” Scheana says, “Is she talking about me and Katie?” Andy says yes. Scheana says, “Well, I guess I won’t be texting her after this!”
Questions for Kristen
What is your relationship like with Stassi? We have become very good friends again.
Marry, Shag, Kill, James, Sandoval, Jax? Marry Sandoval, Shag Jax , and Kill James. I typed that before she answered. She killed James immediately but she said she would Marry JAX! It did seem like a difficult choice for her, though. Scheana was surprised as I was.
What did you and Scheana think about the way Sandoval yelled at Katie for even suggesting that Kristen come to Hawaii? Kristen says that Sandoval need to pipe down, he needs to calm down, pop a Xanny! Relax! (oh Kristen is on Xanax. That explains the bouts of sanity.) Scheana says his reaction was over the top. He overreacted.
If Tom was single, would you get back together? Not a chance. I don’t believe her.
What did you think about James and Lala on WWHL? Kristen says she is glad that their true colors showed through and Andy said they were not welcome back. Scheana says she was cringing the entire time and had no idea how Andy got through it. Andy asks if he should have them back and give them a second chance. Both guests scream NO! And I agree.
Do you actually like Lala or are you just keeping your enemy closer? (Does this person watch the show?) Kristen says she is indifferent toward Lala. She doesn’t really know her, and she has no desire to get to know her.
A female calls to ask Kristen about any facework or surgeries since the accident and asks about he boobs which are unsupported and visible through her little white summer dress. Kristen says just a botox retouch and once the swelling is all gone she will have her fillers redo. The boobs are courtesy of PMS.
Do you think Ariana is Tom’s rebound? She says no.
Should Ariana have had more of a sense of humor about Tom’s tattoo? Kristen says she thinks Ariana just needs a sense of humor period. The most ironic comment of the night goes to Scheana who said she thought Ariana was a little hard on Tom. Let that sink in.
One word to describe James? Without hesitation she said, “douche.”
They show a clip of next week where at dinner (aka the Bravo Boxing Ring) Jax announces that Kristen should have been invited and James and Lala should have stayed home. A three way dick measuring match ensues between James (ha!), Jax and Lala. Lala came in second.
Shay has a new song out called “Bye Felicia” and it doesn’t suck as much as you might expect.
The Poll Question was, “Do you believe Kristen is no longer crazy?” Kristen was hoping for a split decision with a 51% saying yes. Unfortunately 71% of the idiots that vote said no.
And thus ends a fabulous episode of WWHL.